What Goes Around

I managed to rack up a cell phone bill of $166. My eyes popped out of their sockets.

400 minutes used to suffice. I happened to go over by like 220 minutes, mostly by calling JD. That had never happened before.

Never again, now that i have Vonage. : ) And also, sadly, JD and i are on another hiatus.

Which is probably for the best, for as long as we have contact, i may never get over him. But it is still unsettling.

Last night i drunk-dialed JD. He didn't answer. Again, probably best. I didn't redial. Not once. Unlike i have in the past - like 156 times in one night. That's progress.

I endured two days of entire guilt and anxiety this week. I hadn't had it that bad in a great while. I felt like a bad person through and through.

Rob is falling for me, and i can't reciprocate. I simply don't feel that way about him.

I start to recoil. I just want to be left alone. He's been such a good friend. I feel so bad. Maybe i have been leading him on, even when i thought everything was completely innocent. Maybe i am one of those women who send mixed signals.

Now i understand how JD feels. When you don't feel that way, you don't feel that way. There's nothing you can do. And you can't deal with the guilt when that person has been nothing but nice to you.

When Rob and his "roommate" Kelly (she coined the term first) finalized their breakup recently, she would get drunk and start mouthing off. "Somebody has to win, and somebody has to lose," she said. "I guess you got what you wanted."

That was exactly what my XH said when i divorced him.

I recall how i felt when i was head over heels over JD. And how bitter i got every time we ended it. I thought he didn't understand my suffering, and/or didn't care.

When Hibiscus left JD for a rich guy, it was like she had stabbed him in the heart and twisted the knife while he bled dry.

Somebody always gets hurt. It's pure bad karma going 'round and 'round. Everybody knows pain, indeed. We are never alone.

I used to tell JD it was easier for the dumper than the dumpee. Turns out it's not true.

Live and learn.

Post-Holiday Cheer

Turns out Denisse has a blog that she uses to vent but doesn't share with anyone too, just like I.

These are the thoughts that make me cry: the voice of George Michael that summons memories of being 13; snowcrab legs already cracked in halves; Rob's eyes welling up as he talks about his mother.

Thank God i'm able to cry again.

This Vegas trip was the first time i went to Nevada with a gal pal instead of a guy. So i couldn't have everything my way. As a matter of fact, Denisse was quite oblivious to my needs. In fact, she made me walk 7 miles a day for two days straight, and had the nerve to ask, "Are you serious your feet still hurt?" as she caught me limping, and still wouldn't slow down.

Yes, i have developed blisters, thank you very much.

Thru my thirst and lack of stamina, i managed to maintain a buoyant spirit. I could tell Denisse was annoyed with me a few times. But we did have a few laughs. And good ones too. Those that make your cheeks and belly hurt.

Today, Damon from the district office was in. "What was the best present you got this Christmas?" he asked.

I didn't get any present, you fuck.

Tonight Rob called, "just to hear [my] voice". That worries me.

I came home after a delayed flight last night, exhausted, to find an email from York II, to my surprise. He wants to play Scrabble sometime. I wonder if it's code for sex yet again.

"Incidentally," i wrote. "My cousin Denisse has recently signed up with eDetri*. Chances are, you'll be matched up with her! Wouldn't that be a hoot?"

"Is your cousin cute?" He wrote back.

Dick.

On JD's birthday i sent him greetings without actually expecting anything back. On Christmas day, in the name of goodwill, i texted him. But i can't say i honestly didn't need to hear back from him. Which was just all wrong. Because when i didn't, i was disappointed.

After all this time. Amazing.

I guess we're not spending New Year's together. Big surprise.

I've decided that i don't want some big party at some snobbish club for the countdown. I'd rather be alone.

Denisse is grumpy too. She texted me, "Do i realy hafta go in to work today?!" I smirked.

Course, there're a few days to go yet. I may still change my mind. Nothing like loud music and $12 drinks to take your mind off things. At least for a while.


*The infamous online dating service we're with

Holiday Cheer 3

I'm going to Vegas for Christmas. In the past couple of days, i wrote everyone to say goodbye (well, almost), just in case my plane crashes.

My brother W wrote back:

Happy holidays to you, too. Don't drink too much.

Umm, how about a good old-fashioned "Go forth, and have a good time!"?

'Tis the season to be jolly, bro. I wrote.

And then i wanted to continue, "Don't be such a tight ass." But i refrained.

He's starting to sound like my Aunt Evelyn the worrier. When she learned that Denisse and i were headed for Sin City, she was like, "Be mindful of your surroundings."

I practically responded, "No worries. I won't let anything slipped in our drinks."

I fumed for a few minutes. Then i noticed the smiley at the end of W's email, and became choked up. Well, kind of. Like i've mentioned, i'm not nearly as emotional, thanks to my meds. That's right, the little pills have turned me hard. And if i were a guy, this would be a great joke.

So... Merry Christmas, and To All a Good Night.

Holiday Cheer 2

I was laundering my underthings this morning, and honest to god, the lather conjured up a smiley.

I took it as a sign that everything was gonna be okay.

The last smiley i saw was in my tumbler of Bailey's many months ago.

The forces are saying, "Don't despair!"

Rob called me yesterday. "I just need to talk," he said in his message.

"Uh oh," i thought. "I hope he's not getting too attached."

Turned out his lady and he had "the talk", and they are gonna break it off after 12 years.

That is tough, with the holidays coming, and they're gonna play pretend that everything is hunky dory until after New Year's. Yikes.

"Sounds like you're not taking it well," i said. I always crack stupid jokes when i don't know how to respond to something sad.

Denisse and i headed out to downtown San Jose last night. A first for both of us. I had been depressed to the verge of teariness before she arrived. I honestly did not know how i was gonna wing it. But as soon as we settled in in an enclosed area with music blasting and eight-dollor drinks in our hands, all was right in the world.

"Good choice!" complimented Denisse.

"Thanks!" i replied. "I'd always walk by this place when i was going to San Jose State. Imagine me in my backpack and hoodie, going, 'I'm goinna check out this place someday!!'"

We threw our heads back and laughed.

"867-5309" rendered by a live band earlier, and that Christmas classic with a BB gun playing on the plasmas on the wall reminded me of JD. Denisse didn't know the title of that movie either.

Today Denisse confesses that starting a few years back, she's not into holiday music any more.

"I don't know why," she says.

Um, could it have to do with the fact that your Dad died of liver cancer a few years back around this time, dear? I'm sorry to be harsh.

But all i said was, "The psyche works in mysterious ways."

It's always a case of a glass half full... At least i don't have the demise of a 12-year-old relationsihop or the anniversary of a parent's passing to grapple with.

I'll buy something red and lacy and sequiny for my weekend in Vegas. Depression? Ex-boyfriends? Bite me.

Tribulations

At work Rob and i have been sharing private jokes on alcoholism.

I grow uneasy as we become more open because i just want a friend - i don't want to open a can of worms.

It was a long week. I was often stressed and depressed. And so was Rob.

Friday night i had drinks with Rob to celebrate that the week was over. Lately it's been feeling like there is no one there for me but Rob.

It was a good talk even though i was physically unwell. (Only physically?!) We had a few laughs.

But I felt sad. Thru the night I would space out and think about JD. Thinking it's still better to talk to JD instead. (JD is gonna think this is lip service, i'm sure.)

Toward the end of the night Rob asked me what would be an ideal mate for me, and went on to express displeasure with women who send mixed signals.

I became very tense.

I wondered if JD had called. Strange guilt filled me up.

When i got home, sure enough, JD had called. Totally forgetting i'd been mad at him for wanting to move away, i called him right back.

He'd called Hibiscus*, the girl whom he had a long-term relationship with before me, the one who broke his heart, left him angry and regretful, even though he could never admit how he just never quite got over the whole ordeal.

It's strange, but i recall how intuitively, when JD and i first met, i could just tell how hung up he was, from the way he talked about her, pretending it was ancient history and he was moving right on. Deep down i knew. But i didn't care.

Let him spend some time with me and he'll fall for me and forget about her, i thought.

Of course, he didn't. And here we are, two and a half years later.

He'd tell me what a horrible person she was, selfish and uncaring toward her son, a manipulator with men. He'd tell me how he'd never take this person back. All the time i've known him, it still pains him to talk about that relationship. To this day.

Yet this is the person he calls when he's lonely and depressed on a Friday night.

I have no right, and perhaps no reason, to be upset. But i felt deeply hurt all over again.

Hibiscus is JD's curse, and JD is mine. Some people you just don't get over.


*Not her real name

Hump Day Blues

There's something about Hump Day that makes me drink like a maniac.

This morning i hurled - only there was nothing to regurgitate. I went through the gastric spasms, and all that came up were traces of blood.

First i thought, that's kind of gross! Then i thought, Cool!

This is the second occurrence. The first was last Wednesday, less than 8 days ago.

There's something about Hump Day, indeed.

Holiday Cheer

There are two office Christmas parties to tackle with. Not one, but two. Oh, excuse me, holiday parties.

Political correctness makes me sick.

Today Matt walked in and decided that "Santa Baby" was the song we would perform at the District Office. That's the first song that had crossed my mind when confronted with the conundrum. How uncanny.

"You're in charge of the lyrics," said Matt. "You think you can get a hold of a copy?"

With exaggerated incredulity, i hissed. How easy would that be?!!

Matt grinned, "Of course!"

Tonight i listened to the "official" version by Eartha Kitt on my iTunes and modified the online version on the fan club website. In MS Word. What else. What a pity all this would be lost on these savages, some of whom don't even own a computer.

And then i listened to the version by Miss Piggy, and cackled.

I won't be a snob, i promise.

JD is moving. He said this half a year ago. Two weeks prior, i asked, "So you're not moving, huh?"

"No," he replied.

I guess he's changed his mind yet again.

It's funny, but after all this time, this decision of his still doesn't sit well with me.

How can i just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace?
...
You're the only one
who really knew me at all.

It's hard to let go.

Last night i had drinks with Rob again. He's so much like JD, it's weird. The only difference is i'm not attracted to him.

Today i thought, if JD leaves, Rob would be the closest replacement. But it wouldn't be fair. He's sensitive, like me.

"Sensitive. A painter." Like the artistic guy who fell for Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary, and Irving on Chicago.

This afternoon I smelled beer on Oliver, and told Rob.

"I know a drunk when i see one," i said. "Being one myself."

"You're not a drunk," said Rob. "You just like to have a good time."

"Okay," i said. Thinking, "Okay, let's go with that."

It's gonna rain all weekend again. I had things lined up, cos having things lined up made me feel like less of a loser. But now i guess i can't make an appearance... i simply can't go out in the rain.

Drinking indoor it will be.

Revelation 18

On Tuesday, i tempted with fate by taking 25 mg of Lamictal instead of the recommended 50, thinking i'd be fine on a lower dosage. Sure enough, i grew restless and suicidal.

Not nearly as suicidal as i would've been on 0 mg, i'm sure.

Last night i was gonna go to my online networking group dinner in downtown San Jose, at a restaurant that's known as a "meat market". (Haha.) But i wound up having drinks with Rob my fellow bipolar alcoholic from work instead. Turned out the dinner was cancelled anyway. But i hadn't known that.

I'm sure i said plenty of inappropriate things. I got way wasted.

Rob wasn't in much better shape today either. He showed up much later than usual, went home for a nap, made another courtesy appearance, and then bailed.

I felt guilty. I don't even know why.

Rob is a lot like JD in a lot of ways. Which is uncanny. Which makes me sad.

I confided in Rob that i pretty much drank every night.

"Not that i'm calling you an alcoholic," i then said. "But you are one, right?"

Rob laughed a stifled laugh. "I've been called one, yes." He responded.

Good enough for me.

He said i could call him any time. "Even if i was drunk and stupid and was slurring my words?" i asked incredulously.

"I like you for who you are," said Rob.

Tonight i finally checked my email again. Denisse wants to know about Vegas.

"Maybe we should just go," I wrote back. "Then i'll shut up and just enjoy it."

The problem with us psychotics is that we can't make a decision at times, we're so overwhelmed. But it doesn't matter. No matter what we decide to do, we'll regret it one way or another. We'll always wonder, What if i did/didn't do this?

I wasn't gonna drink tonight, i was still so sick and tired from last night. I'd come home shortly after midnight and hurled in the comfort of my own bathroom - only there was nothing to regurgitate but blood. Nice.

But i couldn't not drink tonight. Sobriety literally scared me. I felt lost.

OK. Maybe i do have an addiction problem. Now i realize.

Now? JD would josh and cackle.

And i also realize i only feel marginally okay with my meds. I am NOT OK on my own.

That makes me sad.

S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm experiencing it again as of right now. Year after year. Without fail.

A Minor Setback...

All of a sudden, everyone wants to go out with me. Matt started with a nudge yesterday, like i've mentioned. Today he's mean again. I've never met anyone more fickle.

Jab, the guy i met on myspace, asked me to tea. I told him i preferred cocktails. Haven't heard back. It's just as well. Jab is stalker material, my instincts tell me. Which is why i can only go so far as to ask him to my online group socials. I don't need to be alone with him.

Incidentally, a few people i met on Friday has written to say hi, expressing wishes to meet up again. I should be happy. But i'm not. And i can't quite put my finger on why.

Since we last went out drinking before Halloween, Rob has been talking about doing it again. Today he said, How 'bout this Friday.

It's raining both Friday and Saturday, and that forecast is putting a damper on my mood.

"I think i'm gonna stay in and do laundry," i flinched. Yeah... laundry. That's attractive.

Denisse was gonna take me clubbing again. I was game until i learned it was gonna be cold and wet. Hobbling on heels for five and a half blocks in the city while dodging raindrops? Doesn't sound like a fun idea, sorry.

She also wants to know what we're doing for Christmas. Right now staying put and doing nothing seems very appealing. Funny how fast and how little it takes for me to recoil into hermetic mode.

Meanwhile, JD is suffering from bruxism and Vegas couldn't be further from his mind.

Hermetic: airtight by fusion or sealing; isolated. Yeah. That's me alright.

Trio Mio vs Flying Solo

Over the weekend JD, Denisse and I went to this bar and lounge that had a stripper pole. A lonely stripper pole that no one strutted around.

Toward the end of the night the three of us had downed enough liquor to at least strike a pose by the pole - moments immortalized now in bytes.

I'm really glad JD and Denisse get along. The two people who mean the most to me right now. My only friends. Even though one is my ex and the other, a cousin.

We had breakfast at a cozy nook after a night of being drunk and stupid. Bacon and eggs and sausages with sundried tomatoes, and pancakes... Seemed a stark contrast to the stripper pole the night before.

I count my blessings.

Monday. Matt comes in to work grimacing and moaning with a dislocated disc.

Matt and i were each gonna go dancing in the city on Friday night.

"Too much dancing, huh?" i teased. Matt remembered our convo and smiled amid agony.

At the end of the day, when Matt and i were alone, i pried, "So did you stay out all night on Friday?" He had told me that he would.

"No, no," replied Matt. "I didn't go dancing after all."

"Oh!" i responded. "So you engaged in another activity that broke your back!"

I grinned, and Matt grinned back. "I broke my back doing nothing fun at all," said Matt. As if he wouldn't want me to think him a sex fiend.

I helped Matt with an investigation, and he exclaimed over and over, "You are awesome! You-are-awe-some!!"

If i'm so awesome, will you love me? Will somebody?

Later, Matt told Oliver that i was "a lot of fun to go drinking with".

"You think so?" i asked, barely able to hide my delight.

"I still want to take you to lunch," said Matt, after mumbling that i was great. "Cocktails and lunch."

"Ehh... can't do cocktails at lunch..." I frowned.

"Dinner!" Blurted Matt. "I meant dinner!"

Ah... Now we're talking.

I drove away allowing myself to believe that maybe Matt wasn't a player after all. Maybe he does like me that way. Maybe just a little bit. After all, he did ask last Friday if i had a hot date. And today he wanted to know where i was headed taking off early.

Meanwhile i've been entertaining the idea of spending Christmas with JD and Denisse in Vegas. Vegas, baby! I can tell Denisse is really psyched, and i know JD, who's never been, would love it. Drunks like us couldn't have more fun than in Sin City, you know?

I don't want JD to date the 28-year-old he met online, but i myself haven't stopped pining for love and affection elsewhere. JD has pointed out how warped my perspective is.

Yes, i am one sick puppy. Dating doesn't fill the void, sure. But not dating certainly leaves you painfully aware of the void. If Matt and i go out, it's probably not even a date. Even if it is, what do i think is gonna happen? I'm kidding myself.

JD would understand. It's a nice feeling when you believe someone likes you. Even if it's all a joke and it's all gonna fall to pieces.

Denisse wants my advice on online dating. I sadly have none. I only offered the statistics that only 1% of all couples met through an online dating service. Well, you could do worse than spending $30 a month on a lottery ticket, i guess.

To All The Boyz...

Check out my new tealight set. Doesn't get any more winter-y than this. I love my tealight holders! I could watch the reflected light dance multifacetedly all day. And I'll admit here i have quite an eye as a photographer - i'm really proud of how this shot turned out.

I expected the tealights to burn out in 20 to 30 minutes. The fuckers lasted for four hours. FOUR! I guess these days i don't expect happiness in any form to last nearly as long. (OK, "happiness" is a strong word.)

I used to deem lighting candles akin to burning money. I failed to understand the intrigue. JD turned me. Now flickering flames fascinate me. I feel in touch with nature's unpredictable, dangerous forces. And i swear the room warms up by at least 5°.

I conclude that with each relationship you take away something. With York II it's scrambled eggs with oregano. I've tried it twice now. So simple, yet so addictive!

Granted, there are more profound things than candles and eggs, but it's true someone just doesn't always know how they've touched your life. Altered it irreversibly.

I don't regret crossing paths with individuals i've come across by pure chance. I have definitely taken away more than means of illumination and herbs to add to a hen's ovarian discharge.

All Is Fair In Love... & OTC Drug Usage

The last day i was in Minnesota, I could already feel that i was coming down with something. Last night, in the name of killing germs (among other excuses), i downed a lot of alcohol.

In the morning I still woke up with a sore throat. It hurt to swallow. (There's a dirty joke in there somewhere.)

So after a day of scratchy throat and chest congestion at work, i finally succumbed to making a trip to Rite-aid to get Vicks 44M, which comes highly recommended by my brother W, who had really sensitive tonsils growing up. He's the expert on coughing, if ever there is such a thing.

There's no non-drowsy formula available. Oh well, i guess i'm just gonna have to make do with the high-alcohol-content version. Ha-ha.

Upon reading the label, i came across this warning:

If you consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks every day, ask you doctor... Acetaminophen may cause liver damage.

Oh, you mean, as opposed to using alcohol alone, whereof the liver damage caused is infinitesimal?

Gobble It Up!

There it is. The world' largest gingerbread house. It's at Mall of America in Minnesota, out of all places.

When i told coworkers i was going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, people frowned and grimaced. Why Minnesota? Who in their right mind would choose to go there? Their reaction suggested.

I got to spend some time with relatives and friends. Family not related by blood who welcomed me in their home anyway, and showed me a good time. The next day I got to take a cab, feeling all city-girly (in California, it'd be called "tourist without a rental"), and i actually had a lively chat with the Nigerian driver.

In addition, i got to explore the night scene of Minneapolis for the first time. It's really a cool place, i have to say. Compared to the hole it was 13 years ago when i visited for the first time, the place has really boomed. You see manifestations of globalization everywhere. Seriously, they did NOT have sushi back then. And i had to be grateful for the "heat wave" they'd been having - during daytime we'd actually hit the 40's.

Best of all, i got to know my cousins a little better as adults. They are really cool people. We had such a good time just goofing and chatting. I actually started to take in the infectious holiday cheer.

Actually, come to think of it, the best aspect was that i didn't have to endure a night of sobriety.

Given, by the day i had to fly back home, i was anxiety-ridden and not there at all.

When i got home, Sweet Jesus, there was a whole bunch of email waiting for me, from people i actually want to hear from, god bless their hearts. Including York II. I guess the holiday spirits of forgiveness and generosity got to him.

I'm glad he wrote. For Lord knows i would've never had closure.

And now i shall indulge in 4 hours of taped TV shows and Netflix films. Life is good.

Midway...

When i blogged about my outting last Friday, i wrote that i'd wondered what Rob might be doing that night.

I hadn't wondered about JD. I thought i knew exactly what he was doing on a Friday night.

Turned out JD is not as predictable as i thought after all. He'd gone out with that girl on a second date. They had a roll in the hay in his SUV.

Well, i'm sure the vehicle was free of dried vegetation, but you know what i mean.

I'd be lying if i said learning this didn't bother me. It's not so much the sex. It's just the knowledge of him trying to make things work with someone else. How could he, when what we had was close to perfect?

Näiveté breeds arrogance. Together they try to outweigh reason on my mental seesaw. Low self-esteem used to be where reason sits. Now it just lurks in the background, waiting for its turn.

After giving JD a ride to the airport at 5 this morning, i started missing him again. I mean, i always miss him to one degree or another, but this could lead to heartache again. I'd told him the previous night that he was my curse. I can't shake him.

I told myself i can't go thru the motions again. I simply cannot handle the turmoil that always follows.

And then he called during his layover in Chicago. Even though i missed the call, that made things better. It made braving the workday with two hours of sleep under my belt worthwhile. I'm that easy.

A Stolen Moment

Today everyone at work was asking if i was ready for my trip to Minnesota. I probably wasn't as psyched as they'd hoped.

"I haven't packed a thing," i lamented in my zombie-esque state.

Course, in my head Lt. Kaffee is stating in court, referring to Pfc. Santiago, "Yet he hadn't called a soul... He hadn't packed a thing..."*

This scene is priceless to JD and me due to Tom Cruise's unique, stylistic acting. I smiled inside.


*A Few Good Men

The Stars Yet Wave

I was watching my previously recorded Law & Order when I had to take a snack break. It happened to be on TV the preface of the NASCAR Nextel Cup in Homestead, Florida.

Some guy sings the national anthem at the event commencement. I didn't know they do that at car racing openings. There was something about the man's voice that so deeply touched me that i was a little choked up. (Actually, hearing The Star-Spangled Banner always gets me a little emotional.)

Must be some poor sap who couldn't make it in show biz, i thought.

Then i stepped out of my kitchen to take a peek. It was Taylor Hicks.

"Do I Make You Proud?" He has descanted.

The answer is a resounding yes, Taylor.

Frontline

Rebecca Traister recently wrote a really empowering article for Glamour (I know, sounds like an oxymoron) on how women should stop obsessing over snatching a man and start enjoying singlehood now.

A friend of Traister in her thirties who's been around the online dating block informs her that all the men who initiate contact with her are in their forties. So their you go. It is true: men want women at least a decade their junior.

I can vouch to that. The online dating scene is slim pickin's these days. In the holiday season, though, I suspect there'll be a lot more exchange between those in a craze to score a date so they'll have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's. Me, i won't hold my breath.

TGIF... Can I Go Now?

Matt was nicer today.

"Gonna party tonight?" He asked.

Planning to go to my online networking thing (aka happy hour with strangers), i replied cheerily, "Kinda! You?"

"I'm gonna clean my house," said Matt. "Well, actually, i'm gonna finish cleaning it."

"I don't start what i can't finish," i responded. "That's a good excuse for never cleaning."

Later, Matt enthusiastically informed us of the Christmas party we're gonna be having this year.

"What about New Year's?" I joyfully inquired. "Are we doing anything?"

"She just likes all the holidays that allow drinking," Matt quipped, addressing JF my coworker, and grinned.

If i didn't have to answer a call right then and there, i would've said:

You think i need an occasion to drink? Think again!

I had to work an hour overtime, so by the time i took off from work i was quite achy and exhausted. I pondered bailing on the happy hour commitment, but i really, really didn't want to drink alone.

As i drove there i felt anything but social.

I ran into the girl i met in group therapy who introduced me to this whole networking thing to begin with. I hadn't been to group since then, so it was kinda awkward. I felt like i was encroaching on her territory. And now she knew it. And from her expression, i could tell she was uneasy too.

But after a few drinks, we chatted like we'd never met before, and neither of us had a psychiatrist.

I had a few laughs; there were some funny people present. But i couldn't help but notice that i had my arms crossed all through the night.

There was this heated debate on whether TiVo or a DVR was better suited for the lifestyle today. Satellite or cable? That's another head-scratcher. Five minutes later, someone pointed out that i'd been "quiet, so [I]must not be into TV".

Haven't you read my profile? I watch two shows. Two. I think my VCR will suffice.

And besides, whatever happened to watching a show at the time it is actually on?

It's true what JD has said. The more we worry about hiding our true selves, the more stupid we come across as. I totally misspoke in more than one instance, and cracked jokes that weren't funny to anyone.

This former DJ in the group had just recently realized that music from the 80's were now "oldies". "That's it," he proclaimed. "We are now officially old."

"Now?" I rhetorically responded in sarcasm. It was as if no one heard me.

It was much easier just talking to Rob one-on-one last Friday. Must be a bipolar alcoholic thing. I wondered what Rob was doing tonight.

I wanted to leave by 8 p.m., but i didn't want to draw attention to myself by being the first one to get up and bid farewell.

To make matters worse, we had to each smile to the videocam and wish someone a happy birthday - someone i had never met. I hate that kind of shit. I can barely do it for someone i do know.

I just really wanted to go home. I almost dashed out, but this guy was in my way. So i went, "Hey, see you at the [i name the event]." He was like, "Oh... i'm not sure..." Chill, dude. I was just being polite.

By the time i got home, because of the hiatus in drinks flow, i was stuck in the purgatory between hunger and nausea. But... nothing that a few sips of wine can't fix.

Who's Your Daddy

My co-departmentee JF has her boombox set on a country station at our office. I wasn't thrilled at first, but i warmed up to it. Before i knew it, i was humming to them honky tonk tunes.

There's this song, "I Loved Her First" by Heartland. I could barely hear the lyrics from where i sat, but what i could make out i liked. They were quite touching.

I was enough for her not too long ago...
And she still means the world to me...
A place in my heart will always be hers...

I finally downloaded the song tonight. As i listened to it in its entirety, i realized it's not about letting go of an ex-lover at all. Rather, it's a father's hymn to his daughter. The realization made me feel like a dirty perv.

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me...
... It's still hard to give her away

I'm reminded of "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle from ten years ago. Impactful stuff.

My Dad really liked JD. During one of my visits when i was dating JD, my Dad shared that he had envisioned walking me down the aisle, many times.

I was all choked up.

It may never happen, Dad.

I put the song on repeat play. I'm moved to tears. Except i can't cry. Thanks to these mood stabilizers i'm on. It's like being emotionally constipated. Well, at least i can stop taking those pills at any time. For some, there's no laxative.

There Goes My Good Name...

Drinks with coworkers last Friday proved detrimental to my public image.

Three days in a row, Matt made stupid jokes about how nightly drinking impedes one's ability to perform at their peak all day. Oh, like you're so perfect, Mr. I-Wear-Ralph-Lauren-Shirts-Everyday-So-I-Must-Be-Important. Like you knew what BCC stands for before you asked me last Friday. Fuckhead.

At the sports bar Matt had cheerily informed us that you're not an alcoholic unless it is a problem.

"Define 'problem'", i responded, and cackled.

It's starting to be obvious that Matt is one of those holier-than-thou people on a high horse, believing he's better than the rest of us. I've decided that i hate him.

Rob says hating someone takes too much energy and is not worth it. Probably true. Hate is an emotion, and as long as you still have an emotion toward someone, you're not free.

The other day, Damon* the district sales supervisor, who was also at the crime scene on Friday, came in our store. I was at a terminal on the floor processing a payment. I had my water bottle in the vicinity.

"Ah," said Damon after we exchanged pleasantries. "Having water for a change, huh?"

What the...? Mr. Beer-Tower-Only-Holds-Two-Pints-Of-Harp!

Rob and i had some heart-to-heart chats today. Rob is actually quite kind, genuine, and witty. I think boundaries have become blurred as we continue kidding around daily.

Toward the end of the day, I confided in Rob that it bothered me that both Matt and Damon had been insinuating that i drank entirely too much.

"You have a few drinks with these guys for one night," I grumbled. "And all of a sudden you're a drunk?"

I expressed that they had no right to assume either way. Even though, of course, i am a drunk. But i didn't say that to Rob. And they didn't know that. It was unfair.

Perhaps it wouldn't have bothered me one tiny bit if i really wasn't a drunk. There was more guilt and shame than i could handle.

I'm reminded of how uncomfortable JD often feels about the whole firm knowing about his struggle with alcohol abuse. I didn't understand before. Now i relate. Once it's out in the open, there's no turning back. It will always be on the table. You may be able to salvage your reputation, but there are always gonna be people who are gonna judge. Judge they will, indeed.

Around noon, when Rob and i and two other girls went to lunch, he joked that he couldn't stop at one beer. We laughed in camaraderie.

Rob still stresses that he doesn't drink every night. This afternoon he claims he hasn't had a drink in three nights. Quite frankly, Rob, i don't care. It's becoming more and more clear as daylight to me that only a bipolar alcoholic could possibly like another bipolar alcoholic. It's a law of nature that refuses to be violated.

Case in point: Last night JD and i talked on the phone until i had one bar left charged, again. I'm not a phone person, like, at all. But for some reason JD and i just never run out of things to talk about.

Tonight I could've gone to happy hour with my online friends, but instead i stopped at a bakery to order a cake for my nephew AC's birthday on Saturday. He's turning two. There are few things in the world to make me gladly forego happy hour, but AC is certainly one of them. Drunk or sober, at least i have a heart, guys. So why don't you pick on someone with more than one vice.


*Not his real name

Recap...

Sadness seeps in.

Last Friday i went out for drinks with coworkers. I'd kept joking with Rob whenever he'd casually mention drinking, and finally he said, "OK, I'll take you out." I thought, okay, i really wanted Matt to ask me out, but communal drinking is always welcome. Strangely, the next day, Matt said he'd take me to lunch sometime. It was then Rob chimed in to confirm our night-out arrangement, and invited Matt along.

"Sure," Matt shrugged without a smile.

Sometimes, when Matt gazes at you without smiling, grilling you with questions, it is as though he can peer into your soul.

By Thursday i contemplated backing out. I imagined i'd probably get pretty hammered, and say something inappropriate, and/or do something i'd regret.

But i stuck with it. I really wanted to see how things might turn out.

You know how when you have a crush on somebody you think, "If only i'd have a moment alone with them... Then they'd fall for me."

Nonsense.

Matt turned out to be a giant dick. He totally surveyed the scene, making crude comments on waitresses and mutual acquaintances alike. Since it is my reflex to fit in, i remarked on the server's décolletage, and added my usual line, "Hey, i can appreciate beauty in all forms."

Grinning, Matt came up with a witty response that ended with "I'd like to watch".

Matt bailed early. The last thing he said was that i was "the consummate bookkeeper". Not exactly what sells like hotcakes on your dating résumé. Rob informed me that Matt's type was blonde, with a nice rack. I guess i'm not it.

Eventually the other guys left too, and it was just me and Rob.

"So, uh," i asked. "How long have you been married?" My boss Mildred had told me that Rob's wife was her best friend.

"I'm not married," said Rob. "Kelly* and I have an open relationship."

All of a sudden i thought, uh oh.

The pieces were coming all together now. What with Rob asking me if i had a type, what kind of music i liked, why it didn't work out with my XBF...

Oh, boy.

But by then i was just really grateful to have someone to talk to. A bipolar alcoholic, no less. And truth be told, i just didn't want to go home and drink alone. Not on a Friday night.

And Rob was funny. We did have a few things in common. We had a good talk.

And he bought most of my drinks. He was... nice. He worried if i could drive myself home.

Turned out i drove drunk a lot better than i gave myself credit for. Brava!

When i woke up Saturday morning, it seemed pretty obvious that Rob liked me. That way. And i was a little grossed out and regretful at the same time. I guess i did have a type, and he was not it. Had i been leading him on??

I started dreading Monday when i'd have to face both Rob and Matt again. I did recall slurring my words right before Matt left. Even though i was tipsy, i could tell Matt was not into drunks.

Saturday night. I thought i was gonna take it easy for a change. By midday i could not stand the thought of sitting home alone that night. I wound up going out with Denisse. She doesn't seem to mind last-minute arrangements.

She saves me from making booty calls to York II, god bless her heart.

JD called me whilst Denisse and i were sitting at a bar. He said he needed to know that i was out and about, "amongst people". Thank goodness i didn't let him down.

That night JD and i wound up chatting for about 4 hours. There is absolutely nobody else in the entire world i could do that with.

Which makes me sad.

On top of it all, JD was going on a date Sunday night.

Today went okay after all. I thought it was gonna be awkward at first, but i eased up by the p.m.

Rob winked at me at some point, after cracking some clever joke.

Matt subtly mocked me for misspeaking semantically. Worse part: i didn't realize till 5 minutes later. He was already gone. Oh yeah? Let me hear you spell "comsummate". Judgmental prick.

Rob dropped in. "It's 3:30 p.m. and all things are well, huh?"

"If not, they soon will be," i replied.

We laughed.

All of sudden it wasn't so bad that Rob liked me. He understands, and doesn't judge me. After all, it's not everyday you meet a fellow bipolar alchoholic.

Perhaps i read too much into his affinity. Perhaps i worry too much. Not like he's even made a move.

JD said he'd call on Sunday. I knew better than to expect him to remember his promise, but still i was slightly saddened.

Tonight i cracked open a bottle of Chardonnay. I haven't had wine since York II. White wine resembles good memories... more of JD though. Back when we'd have pasta together and get really, really wasted.

Wine goes straight to my head. I relish the sadness that seeps in. Bring it on, i say. Bring it on.


*Not her real name

There's a First For Everything...

I tried to make sashimi myself tonight. It's not quite the same as what you have at restaurants. Fileting was fine, but skinning was not. I didn't know how hard it was to peel off scales stuck on your fingers.

Plus the fishy smell really put me off. Duh, it's fish. But still. They must pre-treat it a certain way at the restaurants. I have no idea. Also, i recalled when Denisse was talking about how she almost went vegetarian given how much she abhored handling meat - any kind of meat. Now i know what she's talking about. It's really quite gross. I certainly didn't care for the tactility.

I couldn't finish my dinner. Before long i was spitting out some. Then i just dumped the rest.

My hands continued to smell fishy. I couldn't stand it, and i didn't know how to remedy the situation. I considered soaking them in rubbing alcohol, but that would be too drying. So i sprayed Febreze on them. I figured, if it works on fabric... skin is an absorbant material, right?

So now my hands smell like Febreze AND fish. Nice.

Yes, I Know Where Griffith Park Is

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I woke up with residual anger toward York II. How could he dismiss me like dropping a hot potato? From one point of not being able to keep his hands off me. Just because he deduced that i was a drunk? Just from one phone call. WTF? I thought he'd be more understanding and forgiving than that. He the spiritual, the-world-is-one guy.

He's one scarred puppy after all. Not unlike the rest of us. I can hear him yelp now.

I would email him to let him know this is uncool, but that would just prove that i am mental.

I never quite know when ill feelings are gonna surface, or why. So i played Alanis on my way to work. Alanis understands pain, and then some.

At the end of the day Matt and i stole a few moments alone again. He never asks about my weekend any more. Instead he gushes about his. Somehow he often manages to work activities with female friends into the conversation. Which makes me wonder if he's trying to trigger a reaction that remotely resembles jealousy.

He had golfed near Griffith Park in SoCal on his day off. "Do you know where that is?" He asked.

He'd forgotten that i'd told him i used to live in L.A.

I guess he just likes me insofar as i actually listen. Cos i act like i care about his problems. He's not interested in what's going on with my life. I get it now.

Not unlike York II, or JD, for that matter.

So i want someone to like me. It's perfectly human. Just as Matt needs someone to listen.

My psychologist recently suggested that perhaps i subconsciously exude a vibe that says, "I'm not worthy; don't value me."

I was offended at first, but within seconds, i entertained the possibility of that theory. It might very well be true. And men pick up on that. They may not even be aware of it. Kinda like a stink that nags under the radar.

So i have a psychologist, a group therapist, and a psychiatrist. I assure you, i'm not crazy. Really.

Snippet 22

When i first met my guitar instructor, he extended his hand.

"Hi," he said. "I'm Rich."

I looked around his studio, then looked back at him.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "This place doesn't look too posh to me."

Done That

I've experienced a lot in the past week or so. I've gone out twice drinking with strangers, actually striking up conversations, mingling amongst freaks and geeks and drunks. By Friday night i was so socialized out i couldn't even pry myself off the couch. On Saturday, i finally purchased an iPod, after 42 months of pining, and learned to use it in a matter of minutes. After midnight, i danced under the stars while inhaling second-hand pot, and went to bed at 4 a.m. On Sunday, my 2-year-old nephew ran toward me, threw his arms around me, whispered in my ear, then shyly eluded me. His affection overcame me. I melted on the spot.

The very night, my cousin Denisse invited me again to her hometown in Minnesota for Thanksgiving. When she verbally invited me earlier that weekend, i thought maybe she was just being nice and playing along her Mom. But her email seemed earnest. Love deprivation and fear of being alone drove me to spend over $600 on a round trip ticket. After all, my brother is gonna be at his in-law's, and JD is flying to Ohio.

Plus i can see my good friend JM who now lives only a few miles from my aunt. Kill two birds, right? Probably gonna see snow too. I haven't been out of California for 21 months now. Throw in shopping for new clothes without sales tax, and i'm home free.

New boots. I need new boots to brave the snow.

But it's Monday. And at the end of the day, i still feel empty as a shell. Hanging out with fake friends doesn't cut it. I could stay out all night. None of it matters. I don't belong anywhere.

That's 70's song "Never Been To Me" comes to mind. You can live it up, or think you do. But after all the feats, you haven't lived until you know exactly who you are. Only then you are home.

That said, at least i've locked in my turkey feast now. I have something to look forward to. That's something.

Quote 17

It's very important for human beings to feel popular and well-liked... among a large group of people we don't care for.

- Jerry Seinfeld

All In a Day's Work 3

Today was pretty wonderful for a Monday. And i didn't realize it until i did a mental recap just now. To me blogging is like chicken frigging soup for the soul.

I had a rough morning. Even though i got more than enough sleep, i felt zombie-esque. After 5 servings of coffee at work, my hands started trembling, and i didn't feel any more alert.

And word had it that my district supervisor was coming in today. I couldn't relax. I tried to exercise what i'd learned in CBT class to control my level of anxiety, and it worked to some extent, but i was distressed.

She came in mid-afternoon, and we actually had some laughs. I didn't do anything to her dismay. Even when she was showing me stuff i knew already, i displayed humility. Cos by now i'd learned she didn't appreciate a smart ass.

She's always reminded me of Drew Barrymore. Which i've never told her. She may not be fond of Drew Barrymore. Can't take that chance. But i sense a good spirit. I like her underneath it all.

And i wasn't so tense around her any more.

Matt came in late in the day as usual. I helped him with the label printer. He told me i was awesome. Later i realized no one had ever shown me how to work that thing. I just figured it out on my own. I should take credit for that.

He'd come in earlier, bitching and moaning about how Monday mornings sucked. I expressed empathy as usual. Five minutes later, he said, "I really didn't wanna come in today, but then i thought, V. was gonna be there."

"And that made it all worth it," i said, and chuckled.

"Yep," he replied.

In the afternoon he worked on some stuff in our office. Right before he left, i asked, "Having fun yet?"

His response was positive. And then he dashed out the door remarking, "You have a great smile!"

"So do you!" I yelled back. I don't know if he heard.

Later, Matt told Mildred* my suprevisor that i was second to only Mildred herself. Mildred agreed, but i was sure she was only humoring Matt. I was embarrassed. I'm never quite at ease with compliments.

Our company is so backwards, we don't even have MS Office on our workstations. But apparently Matt has Word on his labtop.

He ran into trouble with bulleting. Mildred thought i could help.

I tried but couldn't. That bugged me. Damn it, it says on my résumé i'm proficient in Word. I'd better live up to that statement.

So i experimented a bit after i got home. And in my drunken state i *gasp* called Matt. I'd had his cell number memorized. Big surprise.

He sounded pleased. "Maybe you can show me tomorrow," he said. I hung up feeling fulfilled.

No wonder office romance is so tempting to most. It's safe as long as you don't act on those urges. Right now, Matt is perfect, cos he hasn't rejected me. And he'll never hurt me as long as i keep my distance. So long as someone stays in the realm of fantasy, nothing can go wrong. Can't beat that element of mystique.


*Not her real name

Affirmation

It's Saturday again, and i thought Kenneth must be in the city again, without internet access. After 3 weeks, i've finally come to terms that maybe he's not just busy - he simply doesn't want to see me again.

The guy was depressed, and i got the feeling he wasn't quite over his ex-wife. Did i really want to go down that road?

But i thought he liked talking to me. I made him laugh.

I started counting all the guys who had cut me loose, whom i never heard from again. But some of them saw something in me. And those qualities are real. I embrace these qualities that make me who i am. And if someone picks and chooses which of these attributes he likes, then it's his problem, not mine.

It is unlikely i'll ever meet someone who embraces me in my entirety. But it's possible*.


*I'm borrowing JD's favorite quote from The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Boo!

It's been a long week. I've been tired everyday. I've lost track of time. This morning, when Matt bragged about having two Halloween parties to attend on Saturday alone, i was like, But it's not even Halloween yet! Not realizing this is the weekend before All Hallows Eve.

Denisse never got back to me about that bash in Castro. In fact it's curious that she hasn't responded to my Tuesday email.

Matt asked where "my helper" was, referring to JF.

"It's the other way around," i replied. "I'm her helper."

"But you're the smart one," said Matt.

I was more than flattered. "You really think so?"

"Oh yeah," said Matt.

Just then Clark the manager walked in. Matt notified me that Clark used to be in deep sea fishing.

"And Matt is going to be doing a different kind of fishing this weekend," winked Clark.

Matt laughed abashedly. I realized there might be some truth in that joke, and suddenly a cloud hung over me.

Tomorrow Denisse, JD and i are going to see Chicago the musical in the city. I had bought tickets months ago as a birthday present to JD. A lot has transpired, and JD and i now have this convoluted friendship... Don't even ask me to explain.

But not having anything else going on this weekend was starting to eat at me.

I felt lonely in that office. Even though i kinda enjoyed the quiet all by myself. Such is the wonderful paradox of bipolarity.

KJ of our floor staff walked in, saw that i was on the phone, and walked out. When i got off, i stood at the doorway and asked, "Did you want to ask me something?"

KJ smiled mischievously as he walked back in. He had this "i know something that you don't" look.

"A customer said to me, 'So you get to work with Miss Universe, huh?'" Said KJ. "I was like, 'What?' Then he pointed at you."

"What?!" i suppressed my bewilderment. "Are you serious?"

"I swear!" Then he crossed himself.

"When?"

"This morning."

"Huh," i contemplated on the scenario. "He hasn't been out much, has he?"

KJ laughed out loud.

Man, i love making people laugh. It's such a satisfying sensation.

So then KJ started calling me Miss Universe for the rest of the day. "That is so funny!" i'd say.

But secretly i thought to myself, i should probably stick to salads from now on to retain that title - I'm so vain. Well, the underlying sin is insecurity. But who needs to beat a dead horse.

I was following up with Clark on a matter that concerned Matt, when Clark attested that i was doing a good job.

"Matt thinks highly of you," said Clark. "And he's the most difficult to please."

That seriously appealed to my sick need to glean affection from challenging sources. I wonder what Matt's exact words were. I wonder if he went, "That V. certainly is doing a good job. And man, that ass!"

After all, i'm Miss Universe for the day. Actually, you know what? I'm not that ambitious. Miss America would've sufficed.

I actually mustered up enough strength to run a couple of errands after work, knowing i wouldn't in the next two days. JD called me when i was about done, wanting to know what the game plan was the next day.

I dreaded having to call Denisse. JD is the only one in the world i don't dread calling. Later he would share that he felt the same about me.

Denisse was in a funk, just as i'd suspected. She was a little uncertain about things, how to meet up, and all the other details. She went on to confess that she would be up and up about doing things for a while, then retreat into "i don't wanna do anything" mode.

"OMG," i wrote (we were in IM. Better than phone i say.) "I'm exactly the same!"

Then i added, "Maybe you're bipolar... I am."

She didn't respond for a long time. I thought, uh oh, maybe i should've bit my tongue. Or my finger. Whatever the analogy.

So i changed the subject and everything was fine.

She has to be bipolar, i conclude. Or at least entertained the possibility. A person who couldn't be farthest from suffering this ailment would just laugh at my suggestion.

It's okay, Denisse. I wanted to assure her. But perhaps it wasn't time yet. Or perhaps i'm on a bipolar witch hunt.

So no Halloween bash for me and Denisse. It's all for the best i guess. I've already broken some of the feathers on my mask. I hadn't known they were real feathers.

There's symbolism about life in there somewhere, i'm sure.

All In a Day's Work 2

I followed my impulse to head for the lake after work today.

Matt at work has taken it upon himself to investigate my extracurricular activities lately. Yesterday, he came in late in the day from the East Bay. I was in a rush to take off because i had an appointment to see my therapist.

I didn't want to seem rude, so i kinda talked to myself, "I have to go, I have to go..." as i put things away in a hurry.

"Big date tonight?" Inquired Matt.

"No," i said. "Just a doctor's appointment." Then i dreaded he might wonder what necessitated the visit. Thankfully, he was far more tactful than to actually pursue the subject.

Matt hung around to ask if JF and i had picked out our Halloween costumes.

"I've got a mask," i said.

Matt cracked a joke but i couldn't hear him. "Excuse me?"

He shook his head and looked down, "Nothing. I'm not gonna go there." Then he blushed.

Hmm.

The office was a pandemonium when i left. The copier had broken down.

"Have fun on your date!" Yelled Matt from the crowd.

"Date!" i snickered, too tired to explain there'd be no dates, no dates at all for a while. The stars simply weren't aligned that way.

Therapy lifted the unbearable anxiety that prevailed in the prior two days. I actually had peace when i got home, needing only one drink before bed.

But there's residual sadness alright. Lately i feel the entire world has forgotten and forsaken me. I don't get any personal email, no phone calls, no solicitation of any sort. I have recoiled into hermetic mode.

To my own surprise, i've grown more fond of and attached to JF at work. We have our girl talks and have hearty laughs at times. She has said i'm funny.

Today i took her to lunch. On our way out, Rob yelled, in the presence of all the floor staff and customers, "Have a couple of cocktails!"

JF is driving to Mexico tonight and won't be back till after Halloween. As we said goodbye at the end of the day, i hugged her and felt strangely sad.

Once again, Matt came in when i was about to call it a day. Rob had already been there, borrowing a desk to work on stuff. Noticing i was getting ready, Rob said, "Have a drink on me!" And laughed.

"You're gonna have to come along," i replied. It was just a formulated, punch-in-the-arm buddy reply.

"Are you gonna live it up, have a big night out?" Matt asked.

I don't know what this guy takes me for. It's Thursday, for crying out loud.

"No," i replied. "Just gonna head straight home. I'm really tired." I'd been tired all week.

"Gonna live it up at home?" Matt grinned.

"Maybe," i grinned too. Rob cackled in the back.

So Matt has heard i'm a drinker. Great.

"I hardly drink at home any more," said Rob. "The last time i drank was at Chili's*. They had these 16 oz. glasses..."

"Not a tube direct from the tap to your mouth?" Teased Matt.

More cackling.

Rob started asking me if i watched Grey's Anatomy. I confessed that the only things i watched were Law & Order and CSI. Just yesterday he'd asked me what kinda music i liked.

"I like Criminal Intent," said Rob. "I like Bobby."

"I just watch porn," Matt responded. "Porn, porn, porn. That's all i do."

"That's what i do too when Law & Order isn't on," i said. With a straight face. Rob laughed again.

I hate to admit, but that was the most interesting conversation i've had since JD left Monday morning.

On the way home, anxiety and regret built up. Now everybody knows i drink when i get home. Fatigue has the same effect on me as boozing, so much so that i seldom censor my speech when i'm dead tired. I started wondering if i'd made an inappropriate joke or two, and ruminating that perhaps now Matt realized i was damaged goods. But...

1) Why should i care? There's nothing going on.
2) Even if there's a remote potential for some kind of a relationship, brutal honesty is the only way to go.

Come to think of it, if someone learns that i drink myself silly and is still interested, something is probably not right in the head on their end.

After work, i followed my impulse to head for the lake near my house. I sat on a bench and took in the sun, the breeze, and the sound of running water. It was zen for five minutes. (There was not a cloud in the sky. My soul could be as clear.) I stared at the fountain, and acknowledged that each moment was unique - at each nanosecond, the water particles were in a configuration that would never be repeated in time. Just as you savor a moment, it's gone. I watched the ripples. Each of us is but a water particle.

(I've taken one too many religious studies class, haven't i.)

In a distance, there was this tree that was bright red. So bloody red it didn't belong in California. More in Vermont, i conjected. I admired it from where i was sitting, wishing i had the energy to walk the long and winding road around the lake toward it. Then i just wished i had a better camera than my Palm. Something with zoom.

I felt blessed to live so close to this lake. Next week, after Daylight Saving Time ends, the sun will have set by the time i get home. Remember this day, i told myself, before depression befalls you.

Then i decided, enough zen. It's time to go home for a drink.

*Not what he said

Inebriates Are All Around Us...

I had a serious hangover this morning. I didn't have a headache, nor was i sensitive to light and sound, but i... just... felt... stupid.

I had such a hard time concentrating even after 3 cups of coffee. I felt like i was moving in slo-mo.

Clark the manager walked in. Sometimes Clark walks in and circles about, and you never know if he really wants something, or is just taking a break from the madding crowd.

I usually ask him how his day is going and such. I'm so pleasant at work, i make myself sick.

On this particular day, Clark decided to share that he was recovering from a drinking fest the previous night.

"There's not enough coffee on Monday morning," I declared. "What's your poison?"

JF my co-departmentee started giggling. She's cute that way. She's older but childlike in some aspects. Which i like. I'm just a simpleton that way too.

Clark must've felt cornered and/or self-conscious, for he pretended he was needed out on the sales floor, and walked out. Hey, i didn't hear anyone hollering.

Oliver*, the third sales rep whom i haven't mentioned on this blog, likes to ask about weekend plans and deeds. One time, i whined about hoping not to have to work on Sat, and he asked mischievously, "Hot date?" Which cracked me up.

"Maybe," i replied with a grin.

He laughed out loud, "That's a yes!"

But i think he's uncomfortable around me at times. i'm fine with that though. The less people who wanna talk to me at work, the better.

That's probably not the right attitude. : )

So anyway, this morning, as usual, Oliver was uncomfortable with silence again, and felt obliged to ask how my weekend was, when i paid Rob a visit in their office.

"Great!" I replied. And of course i had to ask him back how his was.

All our sales reps are a little uneasy when you turn the table on them. They even avert your eyes and stuff. Which makes you wonder what they're up to all weekend. Come on, fellas, communiation is a two-way street! Do unto others what you will... Well, you catch my drift.

I don't know what possessed me to share, but i went, "I partied a little too hard, and i'm paying for it this morning."

Oliver started to laugh his signature hearty laugh, while Rob went wide-eyed in shock.

"Last night?" Oliver pursued.

I just smiled and nodded.

"Atta girl!" Exclaimed Oliver. I don't recall the last time i won his approval.

Moments later, I was getting coffee. Again. Rob ran a dolly by me, with which normally, i surmised, he would hit open the swing door to the rear warehouse open. Just then he paused at the door and whispered, "I'll be quiet, since you're hungover."

I dramatically gasped, "I never said that!!"

"That's what you were saying though," Rob said, and had this "don't worry, i understand" expression on his face. "I mean it's not acceptable to say that in the workplace."

"True," i replied.

We grinned as usual and parted ways as usual. I found his "your secret is safe with me" demeanor hilarious. I thought it was the other way around!


*Not his real name

Hofbrau Nooner

With us bipolars, life is always a case of glass half full or half empty. When i'm manic i tend to recall the moments when i enjoyed life. With simple things. And when i'm depressed, i remember all the times i tried many things with no joy.

Last night i cradled my baby nephew in my arms, hummed and rocked him gently until he stopped crying and fell asleep. He was so soft, so warm, and helpless. I felt like i was protecting him from the big bad world. I instantly felt maternal.

York II once said that, with women, the hormones for bonding and intimacy are more readily released than in men. That's why women tend to attach to sex feelings of love, and are less likely to abandon their children (unless they are extremely depressed/disturbed, of course. IMHO.)

I went to the Campbell Oktoberfest by myself today. I'd invited Kenneth the musician to come along, but he seemed busiest on weekends. You know, gigs and rehearsals and all. I don't think this is gonna work out, with this major difference between us.

Well, i'd always wanted to check out an Oktoberfest. And Campbell was just as good a town as any. So i said, heck with companionship. I'm going.

I have to say this was the first time since JD that i actually, genuinely enjoyed a festival all by myself. I was happy getting ready. Had Shakira on and danced all the way through. I didn't even care what time it was. It was a gorgeous day to be out. Probably the last chance this year to get a tan. As i leisurely strolled about historic downtown Campbell, which i'd never been, i didn't once look at my watch.

Until i sampled some bread dip. Then i realized i was hungry. Out of curiosity, i checked the time. I'd been there an hour.

So i had me a beerwurst with grilled onions. Mmmm... so good! : ) That was being adventurous, BTW. I took a chance, instead of going for a spicy Bavarian, which would be a no-brainer for me.

I saw a sign that i thought said "House of Bras". And i thought, great! I'm going in. Then, as i got closer, i saw that it was really "House of Brass". Dang.

I also passed by The American Consignment Company. Their banner read: "We accept consignments now". Hmm. Now? What were they doing before?

I made three impluse purchases today. Such are the perils of a good mood. Here's what i bought and what they compensated for respectively.

1. Chandelier pearl earrings: Fear/social anxiety
2. Mask, masquerade/carnival style, for the upcoming Halloween bash: Feelings of inadequacy
3. Olive oil/bread dip, 4-pack, baby bottles: Lack of friendship

Actually, there's probably inadequacy behind every single purchase. I mean, i don't need 3 different kinds of olive oil. Who does? (One bottle was a gift to my brother, who loves bread dip.)

And i picked up the latest issue of the Wave Magazine which featured the "Top 25 South Bay Restaurants". So i could believe i'd actually try them sometime. I always pick up this publication for the same reason: so i feel i could have a life; I could get out more.

When i was ready to leave, i'd been there for a couple of hours, petitioned for "No on Proposition 87" (or was it 86? Shit.) and seen a little guy in German costume play the accordian. I really lived it up, didn't i. *Chuckle*... I'm so proud of myself. Already sore from my workout to start with, now my legs really hurt. But in a good way.

Afterthought

JD said the card i sent him was funny. It had the audio of one of "our" favorite movie quotes, a silly one.

Since JD was severely depressed, i wonder if he:

A. Smiled.
B. Smiled on the inside.
C. : I

Lovers' Quarrel, Sans the Love

On Friday the 13th, York II called me in the evening. With the pressure of romance off, we actually had a pretty fun chat. It was always kinda tense before. And we'd run out of things to say. It'd never last for 20 minutes like this night.

Toward the end York said it was hard for him to admit, but he was feeling needy.

"Needy!" i dramatized. "You? Get out!"

He said he longed for me physically.

Tell me about it. Sometimes you just want that human touch. The warmth of another body.

I said if we continued doing this, one day he's gonna tell me he's found someone else, and won't fuck me any more. Then where would i be?

"Well if you change your mind," he said. "You know where to find me."

That actually got me thinking. And i hated that i was weak. He was kinda needy and vulnerable that night. He sounded hurt when he thought i'd already erased his number from my cell.

Later that night he sent me an email that painted a racy picture of us. I cracked up at first. He'd said earlier he'd be trying to tempt me. Then i thought, all this means little to York. It's just something to joke about.

All of a sudden i really wanted those pictures and video clips back. If you know what i mean. I felt entitled. After all, i starred in them.

So i wrote back and jokingly mentioned i needed him to burn me that CD like he'd promised.

I don't remember what it was, but his nonchalent response left me fuming. So i sublimated my hostility with an arguably inappropriate joke that suggested i'd hunt him down.

See, JD wouldn't be offended. JD would know i didn't have it in me to stalk. It's too much work. Summer stakeouts might be alright, but in the cold? No way!! (Another joke York would miss, alas.)

But York didn't know me like JD. I think he was truly scared.

He called me. I didn't answer. I was pretty shitfaced by then. He immediately called me again. So i picked up.

He expressed his displeasure. I tried to explain he didn't have to take my so-called threat seriously.

"You sound like you've had a lot to drink," he said.

"I have," i answered.

For the first time in a great while, i felt shame. I hated that he could tell i was drunk.

York had always known i liked to drink. Just not how much. In retrospect, he probably suspected, but never said anything.

Sure enough, i haven't heard from him after that night.

No CD then, i see.

Blatant Reality Check

JD sent me an email this afternoon. After 3 months of not communicating. I thought i'd never hear from him again. It was bittersweet.

JD still suffers from severe depression. I suddenly feel bad about blogging all this time about going out dancing and meeting new people and so on. Can you imagine that? I suddenly realize that back then i thought we should be depressed together. And i was never gonna break out of that box. That was gonna be so unhealthy. I had no idea.

This morning, coming home from the gym, all sore and drained again, i recalled the Saturday mornings when JD and i would walk past the gym in his building, and make jokes about working out on a Saturday morning. And here i am, making it a routine. This morning, i thought, in a parallet universe, i'd already have had a bloody mary by 11 a.m., be having lunch at Big Red Bird with JD, and going to Target after, then calling it a day.

I don't know who i am any more. Never have, as it occurs to me.

The anger i used to feel toward JD has been transferred to York II. I feel so discarded at times. Perhaps it matters not who the guy is. There's just this one colossal guy conglomerate that should adore me and never wrong me, high up on a pedestal.

My Dad once said that low self-esteem and egotism are two sides of the same coin. He was referring to me schizophrenic maternal uncle. My Dad, he's a wise man.

If you've been reading my blog you'll probably think i've let all this male attention go to my head. Or maybe i've been hallucinating, living in my own world. I promise you, i haven't lost it.

Gilbert has been harassing me at work. He's a big flirt, and JF my coworker and i never take him seriously anyway. He's is all talk. He sweet talks to everyone in a skirt (and pants too if there's a cunt underneath.)

But lately it's turned into a hassle. He's expecting a lot of attention. Given, i swear i've never, but never, encouraged him. First off, he's not my type. And i would never get involved with someone at work anyway. And he's young, and has a girlfriend. Personally, i think he has a genuine psychological problem.

Almost everyday he comes in to tell me i'm his favorite. Like i'm supposed to get down on my knees and thank heavens for that. Sometimes i'm just a little tired of his same gig over and over. Sometimes i'm just busy and not interested in his immaturity.

One day he claimed i'd hurt his feelings by ignoring him, and sulked for two days.

He'd asked for a hug in the past, and i always turned him down, trying to lighten things up with a joke. After all, i hate confrontation, and i didn't want things to become awkward with a guy i was gonna have to face day after day.

Yesterday, he came in to say goodbye to me and JF. Without consent, he pressed his cheek against mine. I almost screamed. Right before he took off, he put his arm around my waist, and commented that i had a "tight little body" and that he loved it.

I was really replused and felt violated. He had no right to touch me. I barely ever wanted a handshake.

I was determined to bring this matter to the manager's attention on Monday.

But funny thing... York II also thought i had a "tight little body" and said he loved it.

I am 15 lbs. lighter now. Back then I didn't know what he was talking about. He saw something i didn't.

JD appreciated my personality, my intelligence, and my sense of humor. To this day i would still think up a joke, and know that only JD would laugh with me. But he wasn't crazy about my physical attributes.

York wanted nothing but the physical with me, and wasn't real impressed with the rest. He was so responsive to the slightest caress. He liked that i was affectionate. The same affection was neediness with JD.

Together they would make one perfect guy.

It took me a long time to admit that my connection with neither was complete. At times it still hurts. (Me duele tanto.) I try real hard to remember it's not about me not being good enough. Sometimes it's just not a right match. I've always said, what are the chances? People are all the same, yet so different. And i try, i really try to come to terms with the idea that i may never find THAT guy. i need to be okay anyway.

Perhaps i concentrate on bonding with my nephews to assure my burial when i pass, given that i shall remain childless. It seems pretty set in stone now.

Epiphany 4

I just realized that the only two songs i have of The Carpenters on iTunes are "Top of the World" and "The End of the World".

How appropriate for a bipolar!!!

I started cracking up.

For He's a Jolly Good Fellow...

It was JD's birthday yesterday. In the parking lot, right before going in to work, i texted him. He was worth the 15¢.

I'd contemplated this weeks ahead. Heck, months. To text or not to text. I contended that everybody deserves to hear "happy birthday" on the anniversary of their entry into this world. Everybody wants to know their existence means something to someone.

And after all, i care, and i wish him well. But i feared the greeting would not be well received. He would not want to respond. And i did not expect a response. But i didn't want to cause guilt.

I decided that the bottom line was that the message came from a good place, and the universe could use more well wishes. So i hit "Send".

This is the kind of overthinking we psychotics do on a daily basis. I'm still learning to look at the big picture and do what feels right.


For a couple of days i found myself crushing on someone at work. You're gonna think it's Rob, aren't you. No, it's Matt*, another sales rep.

Matt reads like someone i would never consider if i checked out his profile online. He's quite skinny and seems feeble. Once a month he drives down to L.A. to see his kids. Three! The oldest is in college.

I was very intimidated by Matt at first. He didn't smile much, and didn't have much patience. He was exactly the type of authoritative figure that would get me stuttering.

I soon learned that he was the only sales rep who was diligent at stopping customer complaints before they even started. He was so meticulous with codes and paperwork, our department never had to run after him for missing data. It was obvious that he cared about his work. Very much. One time, he worked a word in a conversation that i meant to look up in my Webster when i got home. Of course, by 5 p.m. i'd forgotten the word.

What i'm trying to say is, dedication and intelligence always get to me.

One afternoon he was being sarcastic with me, and i actually had a semi-clever comeback for once. From then on i was determined to get on his good side. We'd have some brief, friendly chats once in a while, usually on Fridays. And he'd smile. It was great to see him smile when it felt like mission impossible.

Last week, Matt fell ill and missed work for three days. When he returned, i sincerely told him it was great to have him back. Everybody wants to be appreciated. I'm sure a lot of us don't feel appreciated nearly enough in the workplace.

A couple of days ago, Matt came in my office and i did some work for him. After having stressed for weeks, he seemed to be more relaxed somewhat. I couldn't help but remark that he never smiled any more until toward the end of the day. On his way out, he leaned back and said, "You make me smile."

"That's cool," i replied with a faint smile. As soon as he was gone, i was like, whoa. What was that?

Yesterday i was jonesing for Chinese food, so i went to a local place near work for lunch. I never actualy eat the stupid fortune cookie any more, but i sure as hell still break it in halves and read the damned fortune. It said, "You will soon be honored by someone you respect." I thought, yeah, okay.

In the afternoon, Matt called for help. He had a lot on his plate and was seriously running out of time on preparing some documents for a meeting. I had volunteered to help the day before, and of course i would step up to the plate now.

When he got back to the office, i was still working on his stuff. He then took over, saying it was alright now. We got to talkin'. I found myself trying to impress him with my vocabulary and open-mindedness.

Usually by 2:30 p.m. everyday i'm quite worn and am ready to go home, so i totally missed what led to him all of sudden saying, "You boyfriend is a very lucky man."

But depression and social awkwardness more often than not keeps me from reacting. "I don't have a boyfriend," I simply stated. "Any more."

His first reaction was, "Oh! What happened?"

I hadn't even known he'd heard i was dating. Men gossip after all??

He must've realized that question may have been inappropriate, for before i had a chance to respond, he said he was sorry to hear that.

Like reading a script i said, "Oh it's alright." Feeling compelled to explain, i added, "We were only dating for a month."

Later i would realize, by definition, York II was never my boyfriend.

Still looking down at his work, Matt mumbled, "Oh... good... at least you weren't hot and heavy for a long time..."

Inexplicably unabashed, i quipped, "Oh, we were hot and heavy. Just not for a very long time," then i started laughing. "I mean, who isn't in the first month?"

Matt laughed too, and actually turned red. I guess i caught him off guard.

Before he left, he thanked me for performing tasks that weren't in my job description.

In the next 36 hours or so i find myself thinking about Matt.

I am so predictable. Give me an object of affection whose affection is challenging to win, have him throw me a bone, and i go wagging my tail and panting. Let's not even mention that my Mom was a workaholic for 35 years.

I'm too old for crushes, i've decided.

But wasn't it uncanny that my fortune did come true after all? JD always said they'd love me at work. Even before i got a job. I'd like to think he really did have faith in me. Even when i didn't.

Last night i drank myself silly. I kinda thought JD was probably celebrating his birthday the same way. I thought about oyster on the half shelf at Left Bank**. Yum.


*Not his real name
**Its real name

Dipsomania

In my last post, i wondered if Rob was a drinker.

This morning, Rob joked with a customer about how Merry Lore*, the company we worked for, should serve tequila shots on the floor. I turned around and commented, "If that was the case, count me in!" The guys broke into boisterous laughter.

Late in the afternoon, i overheard Rob talking to Clark** the manager out in the hallway. Rob is usually pretty loud anyway so it wasn't like i was straining to listen in.

"Nothing is worse than running out of Diet Coke and..." the rest was obviously whispered.

My curiosity piqued and feeling a little frisky, i walked out to inquire, "Diet Coke and...?"

Rob whispered, "Southern Comfort. I drink Southern Comfort."

Brainwashed by the latest advertising campaign, i replied, "Aah! Soco!"

We exchanged smiles and parted ways. Within 2 minutes, Rob flitted in my office again. Rob is always flitting.

"I hope i wasn't interrupting your conversation earlier," i opened.

"No! Clark and i were just talking about how it sucks to run out of stuff when you're drinking at home," Rob said. I was all ears.

"Cuz when you're drinking," Rob went on. "You can't drive. Then you're like, dang! I'm out. You need to remember to stock up!"

I nodded in deep empathy. I never have that problem of low supply though. I know all about stocking up. In fact i'm so paranoid i always restock weeks ahead. JD used to crack jokes about this little quirk of mine.

At the end of the day i ran into Rob again in the parking lot. "Going home, Rob?" i yelled.

"Nah," he yelled back. "I'm never home. Like last night, i played racketball and got home around 10:30."

Rob, Rob. No need to overcompensate for information previously shared, okay? You're an alcoholic. I'm onto you. Mystery of the perpetually rosy cheeks officially solved.


*Not its real name
**Not his real name

Nexus

Today wasn't bad for a Monday, except i was dead tired. I had a wild weekend. It's not what you think. Well, actually, i don't know what you're thinking, so maybe it is what you think. Saturday night Denisse and i went dancing at a lounge in the Mission District. When we hadn't taken off by 10:07 p.m., i found myself thinking, "I think i'm ready for bed!" When we got to the joint, we were obviously "early". Not much was going on. As it turned out, the party didn't start till toward midnight.

To my delight, Denisse was a drinker. I was still nursing my first vodka shot when she was like, "Are you still working on that? I'm ready for my second drink." I was like, whoa, hold your horses. Who's the alcoholic here? : )

So after a couple, we were both high and chatty, of course. It was really, really nice to have someone to drink and chat with. It'd been a while.

I thought i was just gonna sit at the bar while Denisse danced the night away, but when the music started blasting and the dance floor started to get crowded (and once i'd had my third pineapple martini,) all bets were off. Fuck self-consciousness. No one was watching, and no one cared.

Denisse was quite a sensual dancer. Which was weird for me. To think that we once held hands when she was three and i was preteen. She was like the little sister i never had. I loved her to death.

And now she shakes her booty like there's no tomorrow. But hey, more power to her.

I realize we are very alike - we are both kinda repressed if not for a couple of drinks. We had ourselves some laughs all the way home. At 2 in the morning. My feet were killing me.

Having worked out Sat morning like a maniac, i was extremely sore Sunday morning. Even though Denisse's futon from grad school in Michigan and comforter from IKEA were like clouds.

After driving 52 miles home and taking a shower, it was time to have my first date with Kenneth the musician. It felt like a non-date, cos we were just gonna watch a friend of his play. And he struck me as so low-key (no pun intended) all week that i suspected he had to suffer from depression.

A one-hour thing turned into three. I hope nobody noticed that at one point i was dozing off at the performance, i was so spent. After that Kenneth and i did get to chat for a while, and toward the end i was able to make him laugh. That felt like quite an accomplishment.

And after all that, i headed over to my brother W's to see my nephews. Yep, that's plural now. It feels strange to say that. But joyfully so.

By the time i finally arrived home, which i hadn't been in 30 hours, it was almost time for bed.

(Side note: When i run around that much, i'm running from something.)


It wasn't bad for a Monday, except i was dead tired. Throughout the day a few personnel came in and proclaimed the day weird, when few things were going well.

Rob*, one of our sales reps, has always struck me as odd. He has this very pleasant demeanor, always friendly, always cheery. But in a fake way. And kinda high-strung.

A few weeks back, there was this butt-kissing luncheon for our district person's birthday, and Rob didn't go with the rest of the crowd. When i spotted him, i said, "Hey, didn't you go to lunch with them?"

He confided in me that he was not into group things that way. And plus, he didn't like Santana Row.

But all the while he had his signature nervous laugh going on, so i didn't know if i should believe every word.

Today Rob came in last to declare it doomsday. But dispite the subject, he was still laughing. I couldn't help but comment, "And yet you appear cheery."

He started going off about his "dark side", how his mother always says, beneath it all, he's not all rosy.

Ironic, i thought. As i gazed at his rosy cheeks. He'd reminded me of Santa on a few occasions.

"But i refuse to take those pills," Rob continued. "Cuz they make me feel..." Then he gestured a flatline.

Compelled to pursue, i asked, "What pills?"

"Antidepressants," he cheerfully replied.

"Has someone recommended that you take them?" i had to ask.

"Oh yeah," he responded. "I don't believe in them."

"Are you bipolar?" By then i could seem to put the pieces together.

"Yes," said Rob. He must've noticed my expression of kinship or something, for after a two-second pause, he raised his eyebrows and went, "Are you?"

For some reason, i just blurted out, "I am."

Now, i'm really bad at lying overall, but usually this is something i would think twice about divulging, especially in the work environement. I think the need to honestly connect preceded all caution and reservation. He seemed relieved too.

"Hey!" I smiled. "High five!"

We laughed, and we actually high fived.

That was a truly surreal moment.

"There are actually a lot of people who are bipolar," Rob said.

"It's not that uncommon," I added. I really hadn't known that.

But it's good to know. For a few minutes there i didn't feel so alone. And i felt like i didn't have to hide.

I wonder if Rob drinks too. That would certainly explain the Kriss Kringle resemblance.


*Not his real name

Quote 16

Don't disturb me in this state
Please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if i'm to wake
This is far more than i am equipped for

- "Purgatorying", Feast On Scraps, Alanis Morissette

Hump Day

It's Wednesday again. A week ago, York II texted me, entitling the message "hump day over". Before me, he didn’t even know this little nickname for Wednesday. Both having dirty minds, we'd winked winked at the word play again and again, as if we would never tire of the joke.

I've imagined he’ll never forget me now that we’ve humped on hump day. But of course that’s not gonna be the case. There’ll be other conquests, other legs to hump. And we all know: From the calves you can only migrate up.

Now I think perhaps it was just a simple open-and-shut case of us being both lonely. And in the beginning we were both a little giddy for having someone to fuck. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if there’s nothing wrong with that, why do i feel so lousy?

The last time i saw him, he said, “I want you to know that you are important to me.” So important that he wants to see other women instead. Yeah, that’s convincing.

I'm a little weary of men telling me how wonderful i am, but they don't wanna be with me anyway.

And the worst part? He still has three quarters of a bottle of my chardonnay in his fridge, which i’m never gonna retreive.

Toward the weekend he wrote "maybe we [could] play Scrabble or watch a movie". Which was just code for sex really. He admitted he was uncertain if the sex part was over for him.

What, weekend in sight and no date, so let's keep V. handy? Umm, newsflash, mister? It is SO over!!!!!

Confessions

Over the weekend Denisse and i talked about cooking for one. For me it's very difficult to buy a bunch of stuff ahead, and just throw some things together at the drop of a hat. I'm not creative that way. I plan ahead and buy exactly what i need. No more, no less.

Denisse runs and works out six days out of a week, works full time, and can still whip up a meal when she comes home. She can't bring herself to go grocery shopping during the week, mind you, but she sure as hell cooks.

When i ask Denisse what she makes, she always says "something simple". That's what everybody i know who cooks says. Denisse's specialty is stir fry. So was York II's. Even though, the one time he cooked for me he made tortellini. Which was uncanny cos JD used to make tortellini for me.

I confessed to Denisse that i hadn't cooked since i'd started working. I just don't know how people do it. I made plain rice this week so i could top it with pre-cooked, pre-packed meat and shellfish i'd got from the local Asian market. That was my big achievement. And packing lunch alone was taxing. I almost sighed out of relief when i was finally done, including rinsing off the cooker and utensils. That's right, two utensils were used in the process.

"So what do you do for dinner?" Denisse asked.

"Leftovers from lunch, mostly," i said. "Sometimes i skip."

"How do you do that?!" She was amazed.

"Sometimes i'm just not hungry," i replied, feeling my cheeks burn. What i really wanted to say was, "Well, i drink."

Just Another Wonderful Day

I dreaded today because it was a one-on-one training day. Well, more like two-on-two, but who gives an F. By yesterday i was convinced that my district supervisor hated me. By night i was having one of those paranoid attacks wherein i felt that nobody liked me or cared if i was dead or alive.

Last night York called. York I that is. By then i was too drunk to talk to anyone. Right before bed, i puked all the booze i'd been having back up. I guess i hadn't drunk heavily for so long (over a month) that my system couldn't handle the intake in one shot. I wrote York about it.

This morning, i thought, who wants to hear that i vomited? All this as a reflex to gain some sympathy?! I realized that, as a child, whenever i was to share an experience with a parent and all i wanted was an "Aww, there there...", i never got it. All i got would be a reprimand. Thus sharing would only make me feel worse about myself.

My Dad hasn't written in a few years now. Since my parents have got grandkids, they come first. And i can understand that. But on more than a handful of occasions, it's as if i don't count. A couple of times, i was chatting with my Mom online, when Elsie my sis-in-law came on, and my Mom was like, "Got to go! Elsie is on!" Oh-kay. This week, when Elsie and OC the baby came home from the hospital, i notified my Mom, knowing that W my brother would be too busy to write. She emailed W and cc'd me, inquiring whether his wife and kid had been released yet. I was like, Mom! Did you read my email? She wrote back, indicating that she was so keen on contacting W that she totally bypassed my email.

I still write my parents every week, something i've been doing since high school, when i was first away from them. I still write as if they give a shit about my life. It makes me feel better as long as i don't recall that my life affects them little. Or anybody, for that matter.

Yeah, so i'm 35. I'm supposed to get over this already. But i'm just starting to get to the bottom of things.

What good is psychotherapy is you can't blame your folks??

I was looking forward to group therapy again today after a two-week hiatus. Even though part of me really wanted to just head home and drink already. Alas, i had to put in some mandatory overtime at work after all, so i had to miss my group. I so needed it, i knew. But i was relieved at the same time.

And BTW my district person doesn't hate me after all. Eh, but i might change my mind again next week though.

I guess the mood stabilizer is working in general. Cos i haven't had the urge to slit my wrists. Not just yet.

Rock On

Kenneth*, a musician i met online, invited me to the Burning Man Decompression Festival today. I saw the message at 11 a.m., and the performance was gonna start at half past noon. It was all the way out in San Francisco. On a whim, I decided that it sounded like fun, downed a cheese sandwich in two minutes flat, and went to check it out.

I was really proud and excited that i was following an impulse for a change, until i passed the Page Mill Road exit on 280. This is nuts, i thought. I had no idea what to expect.

As i drove past Daly City i started to realize just how far i was travelling. Genius, i thought.

I imagined what it would be like to drive 55 miles in order to get laid.

When i got there, it was impossible to find parking nearby, even though the area was nothing but warehouses and storage units. Oh, and abandoned, condemned buildings. But you could see the ocean atop the hill on Mariposa, and there were some cool apartment buildings along 3rd.

I had to park seven blocks away and take a walk. As i neared the site, i started spotting folks in costume. Not just any ol' costumes. Real loud, look-at-me- i'm-stange stuff. I started thinking, uh oh.

When i actually arrived, the guy who stamped my hand had a green face. The place was like a giant costume party, except everyone, but everyone, was way over the top. Lots of black and lots of fluorescent hues at the same time. Outfits were ripped, meshed, furred, petticoated, sequined... Heck, there was even a car there that was sequined. Not to mention fishnet stockings, kinky boots, and short shorts. I saw devils, fairies, and genies. A couple of genies had Nike running shoes on. And let's not slight good old-fashined goth folks and hippies. What a crowd. It was all very surreal. I kept thinking, la-la land!

I finally found where Kenneth was playing, but there was nowhere to sit. I stood in the shade for a while, until this locomotive steamed up and went off, emitting this ear-piercing noise. (Yes, of course there would be a locomotive.) I caught this tough guy dressed in leather and chains covering up his ears. Ah... the weirdos are human after all. We're not that different.

I realized that i didn't even know which one onstage was Kenneth. That fact struck me as crazy. After that i wasn't inspired to hang around much longer.

On the way back, i found passers-by staring at me. Me! For crying out loud. Me in my cotton tee and denim clamdiggers. I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I was reminded of this Twilight Zone episode that portrays this society where everyone looks like a pig, snout and all. There is this one person with a human face, and he's the one that gets picked on and has trouble fitting in.

The majority does rule, i see.


*Not his real name