For He's a Jolly Good Fellow...

It was JD's birthday yesterday. In the parking lot, right before going in to work, i texted him. He was worth the 15¢.

I'd contemplated this weeks ahead. Heck, months. To text or not to text. I contended that everybody deserves to hear "happy birthday" on the anniversary of their entry into this world. Everybody wants to know their existence means something to someone.

And after all, i care, and i wish him well. But i feared the greeting would not be well received. He would not want to respond. And i did not expect a response. But i didn't want to cause guilt.

I decided that the bottom line was that the message came from a good place, and the universe could use more well wishes. So i hit "Send".

This is the kind of overthinking we psychotics do on a daily basis. I'm still learning to look at the big picture and do what feels right.


For a couple of days i found myself crushing on someone at work. You're gonna think it's Rob, aren't you. No, it's Matt*, another sales rep.

Matt reads like someone i would never consider if i checked out his profile online. He's quite skinny and seems feeble. Once a month he drives down to L.A. to see his kids. Three! The oldest is in college.

I was very intimidated by Matt at first. He didn't smile much, and didn't have much patience. He was exactly the type of authoritative figure that would get me stuttering.

I soon learned that he was the only sales rep who was diligent at stopping customer complaints before they even started. He was so meticulous with codes and paperwork, our department never had to run after him for missing data. It was obvious that he cared about his work. Very much. One time, he worked a word in a conversation that i meant to look up in my Webster when i got home. Of course, by 5 p.m. i'd forgotten the word.

What i'm trying to say is, dedication and intelligence always get to me.

One afternoon he was being sarcastic with me, and i actually had a semi-clever comeback for once. From then on i was determined to get on his good side. We'd have some brief, friendly chats once in a while, usually on Fridays. And he'd smile. It was great to see him smile when it felt like mission impossible.

Last week, Matt fell ill and missed work for three days. When he returned, i sincerely told him it was great to have him back. Everybody wants to be appreciated. I'm sure a lot of us don't feel appreciated nearly enough in the workplace.

A couple of days ago, Matt came in my office and i did some work for him. After having stressed for weeks, he seemed to be more relaxed somewhat. I couldn't help but remark that he never smiled any more until toward the end of the day. On his way out, he leaned back and said, "You make me smile."

"That's cool," i replied with a faint smile. As soon as he was gone, i was like, whoa. What was that?

Yesterday i was jonesing for Chinese food, so i went to a local place near work for lunch. I never actualy eat the stupid fortune cookie any more, but i sure as hell still break it in halves and read the damned fortune. It said, "You will soon be honored by someone you respect." I thought, yeah, okay.

In the afternoon, Matt called for help. He had a lot on his plate and was seriously running out of time on preparing some documents for a meeting. I had volunteered to help the day before, and of course i would step up to the plate now.

When he got back to the office, i was still working on his stuff. He then took over, saying it was alright now. We got to talkin'. I found myself trying to impress him with my vocabulary and open-mindedness.

Usually by 2:30 p.m. everyday i'm quite worn and am ready to go home, so i totally missed what led to him all of sudden saying, "You boyfriend is a very lucky man."

But depression and social awkwardness more often than not keeps me from reacting. "I don't have a boyfriend," I simply stated. "Any more."

His first reaction was, "Oh! What happened?"

I hadn't even known he'd heard i was dating. Men gossip after all??

He must've realized that question may have been inappropriate, for before i had a chance to respond, he said he was sorry to hear that.

Like reading a script i said, "Oh it's alright." Feeling compelled to explain, i added, "We were only dating for a month."

Later i would realize, by definition, York II was never my boyfriend.

Still looking down at his work, Matt mumbled, "Oh... good... at least you weren't hot and heavy for a long time..."

Inexplicably unabashed, i quipped, "Oh, we were hot and heavy. Just not for a very long time," then i started laughing. "I mean, who isn't in the first month?"

Matt laughed too, and actually turned red. I guess i caught him off guard.

Before he left, he thanked me for performing tasks that weren't in my job description.

In the next 36 hours or so i find myself thinking about Matt.

I am so predictable. Give me an object of affection whose affection is challenging to win, have him throw me a bone, and i go wagging my tail and panting. Let's not even mention that my Mom was a workaholic for 35 years.

I'm too old for crushes, i've decided.

But wasn't it uncanny that my fortune did come true after all? JD always said they'd love me at work. Even before i got a job. I'd like to think he really did have faith in me. Even when i didn't.

Last night i drank myself silly. I kinda thought JD was probably celebrating his birthday the same way. I thought about oyster on the half shelf at Left Bank**. Yum.


*Not his real name
**Its real name