There Goes My Good Name...

Drinks with coworkers last Friday proved detrimental to my public image.

Three days in a row, Matt made stupid jokes about how nightly drinking impedes one's ability to perform at their peak all day. Oh, like you're so perfect, Mr. I-Wear-Ralph-Lauren-Shirts-Everyday-So-I-Must-Be-Important. Like you knew what BCC stands for before you asked me last Friday. Fuckhead.

At the sports bar Matt had cheerily informed us that you're not an alcoholic unless it is a problem.

"Define 'problem'", i responded, and cackled.

It's starting to be obvious that Matt is one of those holier-than-thou people on a high horse, believing he's better than the rest of us. I've decided that i hate him.

Rob says hating someone takes too much energy and is not worth it. Probably true. Hate is an emotion, and as long as you still have an emotion toward someone, you're not free.

The other day, Damon* the district sales supervisor, who was also at the crime scene on Friday, came in our store. I was at a terminal on the floor processing a payment. I had my water bottle in the vicinity.

"Ah," said Damon after we exchanged pleasantries. "Having water for a change, huh?"

What the...? Mr. Beer-Tower-Only-Holds-Two-Pints-Of-Harp!

Rob and i had some heart-to-heart chats today. Rob is actually quite kind, genuine, and witty. I think boundaries have become blurred as we continue kidding around daily.

Toward the end of the day, I confided in Rob that it bothered me that both Matt and Damon had been insinuating that i drank entirely too much.

"You have a few drinks with these guys for one night," I grumbled. "And all of a sudden you're a drunk?"

I expressed that they had no right to assume either way. Even though, of course, i am a drunk. But i didn't say that to Rob. And they didn't know that. It was unfair.

Perhaps it wouldn't have bothered me one tiny bit if i really wasn't a drunk. There was more guilt and shame than i could handle.

I'm reminded of how uncomfortable JD often feels about the whole firm knowing about his struggle with alcohol abuse. I didn't understand before. Now i relate. Once it's out in the open, there's no turning back. It will always be on the table. You may be able to salvage your reputation, but there are always gonna be people who are gonna judge. Judge they will, indeed.

Around noon, when Rob and i and two other girls went to lunch, he joked that he couldn't stop at one beer. We laughed in camaraderie.

Rob still stresses that he doesn't drink every night. This afternoon he claims he hasn't had a drink in three nights. Quite frankly, Rob, i don't care. It's becoming more and more clear as daylight to me that only a bipolar alcoholic could possibly like another bipolar alcoholic. It's a law of nature that refuses to be violated.

Case in point: Last night JD and i talked on the phone until i had one bar left charged, again. I'm not a phone person, like, at all. But for some reason JD and i just never run out of things to talk about.

Tonight I could've gone to happy hour with my online friends, but instead i stopped at a bakery to order a cake for my nephew AC's birthday on Saturday. He's turning two. There are few things in the world to make me gladly forego happy hour, but AC is certainly one of them. Drunk or sober, at least i have a heart, guys. So why don't you pick on someone with more than one vice.


*Not his real name