Tribulations

At work Rob and i have been sharing private jokes on alcoholism.

I grow uneasy as we become more open because i just want a friend - i don't want to open a can of worms.

It was a long week. I was often stressed and depressed. And so was Rob.

Friday night i had drinks with Rob to celebrate that the week was over. Lately it's been feeling like there is no one there for me but Rob.

It was a good talk even though i was physically unwell. (Only physically?!) We had a few laughs.

But I felt sad. Thru the night I would space out and think about JD. Thinking it's still better to talk to JD instead. (JD is gonna think this is lip service, i'm sure.)

Toward the end of the night Rob asked me what would be an ideal mate for me, and went on to express displeasure with women who send mixed signals.

I became very tense.

I wondered if JD had called. Strange guilt filled me up.

When i got home, sure enough, JD had called. Totally forgetting i'd been mad at him for wanting to move away, i called him right back.

He'd called Hibiscus*, the girl whom he had a long-term relationship with before me, the one who broke his heart, left him angry and regretful, even though he could never admit how he just never quite got over the whole ordeal.

It's strange, but i recall how intuitively, when JD and i first met, i could just tell how hung up he was, from the way he talked about her, pretending it was ancient history and he was moving right on. Deep down i knew. But i didn't care.

Let him spend some time with me and he'll fall for me and forget about her, i thought.

Of course, he didn't. And here we are, two and a half years later.

He'd tell me what a horrible person she was, selfish and uncaring toward her son, a manipulator with men. He'd tell me how he'd never take this person back. All the time i've known him, it still pains him to talk about that relationship. To this day.

Yet this is the person he calls when he's lonely and depressed on a Friday night.

I have no right, and perhaps no reason, to be upset. But i felt deeply hurt all over again.

Hibiscus is JD's curse, and JD is mine. Some people you just don't get over.


*Not her real name