Recap...

Sadness seeps in.

Last Friday i went out for drinks with coworkers. I'd kept joking with Rob whenever he'd casually mention drinking, and finally he said, "OK, I'll take you out." I thought, okay, i really wanted Matt to ask me out, but communal drinking is always welcome. Strangely, the next day, Matt said he'd take me to lunch sometime. It was then Rob chimed in to confirm our night-out arrangement, and invited Matt along.

"Sure," Matt shrugged without a smile.

Sometimes, when Matt gazes at you without smiling, grilling you with questions, it is as though he can peer into your soul.

By Thursday i contemplated backing out. I imagined i'd probably get pretty hammered, and say something inappropriate, and/or do something i'd regret.

But i stuck with it. I really wanted to see how things might turn out.

You know how when you have a crush on somebody you think, "If only i'd have a moment alone with them... Then they'd fall for me."

Nonsense.

Matt turned out to be a giant dick. He totally surveyed the scene, making crude comments on waitresses and mutual acquaintances alike. Since it is my reflex to fit in, i remarked on the server's décolletage, and added my usual line, "Hey, i can appreciate beauty in all forms."

Grinning, Matt came up with a witty response that ended with "I'd like to watch".

Matt bailed early. The last thing he said was that i was "the consummate bookkeeper". Not exactly what sells like hotcakes on your dating résumé. Rob informed me that Matt's type was blonde, with a nice rack. I guess i'm not it.

Eventually the other guys left too, and it was just me and Rob.

"So, uh," i asked. "How long have you been married?" My boss Mildred had told me that Rob's wife was her best friend.

"I'm not married," said Rob. "Kelly* and I have an open relationship."

All of a sudden i thought, uh oh.

The pieces were coming all together now. What with Rob asking me if i had a type, what kind of music i liked, why it didn't work out with my XBF...

Oh, boy.

But by then i was just really grateful to have someone to talk to. A bipolar alcoholic, no less. And truth be told, i just didn't want to go home and drink alone. Not on a Friday night.

And Rob was funny. We did have a few things in common. We had a good talk.

And he bought most of my drinks. He was... nice. He worried if i could drive myself home.

Turned out i drove drunk a lot better than i gave myself credit for. Brava!

When i woke up Saturday morning, it seemed pretty obvious that Rob liked me. That way. And i was a little grossed out and regretful at the same time. I guess i did have a type, and he was not it. Had i been leading him on??

I started dreading Monday when i'd have to face both Rob and Matt again. I did recall slurring my words right before Matt left. Even though i was tipsy, i could tell Matt was not into drunks.

Saturday night. I thought i was gonna take it easy for a change. By midday i could not stand the thought of sitting home alone that night. I wound up going out with Denisse. She doesn't seem to mind last-minute arrangements.

She saves me from making booty calls to York II, god bless her heart.

JD called me whilst Denisse and i were sitting at a bar. He said he needed to know that i was out and about, "amongst people". Thank goodness i didn't let him down.

That night JD and i wound up chatting for about 4 hours. There is absolutely nobody else in the entire world i could do that with.

Which makes me sad.

On top of it all, JD was going on a date Sunday night.

Today went okay after all. I thought it was gonna be awkward at first, but i eased up by the p.m.

Rob winked at me at some point, after cracking some clever joke.

Matt subtly mocked me for misspeaking semantically. Worse part: i didn't realize till 5 minutes later. He was already gone. Oh yeah? Let me hear you spell "comsummate". Judgmental prick.

Rob dropped in. "It's 3:30 p.m. and all things are well, huh?"

"If not, they soon will be," i replied.

We laughed.

All of sudden it wasn't so bad that Rob liked me. He understands, and doesn't judge me. After all, it's not everyday you meet a fellow bipolar alchoholic.

Perhaps i read too much into his affinity. Perhaps i worry too much. Not like he's even made a move.

JD said he'd call on Sunday. I knew better than to expect him to remember his promise, but still i was slightly saddened.

Tonight i cracked open a bottle of Chardonnay. I haven't had wine since York II. White wine resembles good memories... more of JD though. Back when we'd have pasta together and get really, really wasted.

Wine goes straight to my head. I relish the sadness that seeps in. Bring it on, i say. Bring it on.


*Not her real name