All In a Day's Work 2

I followed my impulse to head for the lake after work today.

Matt at work has taken it upon himself to investigate my extracurricular activities lately. Yesterday, he came in late in the day from the East Bay. I was in a rush to take off because i had an appointment to see my therapist.

I didn't want to seem rude, so i kinda talked to myself, "I have to go, I have to go..." as i put things away in a hurry.

"Big date tonight?" Inquired Matt.

"No," i said. "Just a doctor's appointment." Then i dreaded he might wonder what necessitated the visit. Thankfully, he was far more tactful than to actually pursue the subject.

Matt hung around to ask if JF and i had picked out our Halloween costumes.

"I've got a mask," i said.

Matt cracked a joke but i couldn't hear him. "Excuse me?"

He shook his head and looked down, "Nothing. I'm not gonna go there." Then he blushed.

Hmm.

The office was a pandemonium when i left. The copier had broken down.

"Have fun on your date!" Yelled Matt from the crowd.

"Date!" i snickered, too tired to explain there'd be no dates, no dates at all for a while. The stars simply weren't aligned that way.

Therapy lifted the unbearable anxiety that prevailed in the prior two days. I actually had peace when i got home, needing only one drink before bed.

But there's residual sadness alright. Lately i feel the entire world has forgotten and forsaken me. I don't get any personal email, no phone calls, no solicitation of any sort. I have recoiled into hermetic mode.

To my own surprise, i've grown more fond of and attached to JF at work. We have our girl talks and have hearty laughs at times. She has said i'm funny.

Today i took her to lunch. On our way out, Rob yelled, in the presence of all the floor staff and customers, "Have a couple of cocktails!"

JF is driving to Mexico tonight and won't be back till after Halloween. As we said goodbye at the end of the day, i hugged her and felt strangely sad.

Once again, Matt came in when i was about to call it a day. Rob had already been there, borrowing a desk to work on stuff. Noticing i was getting ready, Rob said, "Have a drink on me!" And laughed.

"You're gonna have to come along," i replied. It was just a formulated, punch-in-the-arm buddy reply.

"Are you gonna live it up, have a big night out?" Matt asked.

I don't know what this guy takes me for. It's Thursday, for crying out loud.

"No," i replied. "Just gonna head straight home. I'm really tired." I'd been tired all week.

"Gonna live it up at home?" Matt grinned.

"Maybe," i grinned too. Rob cackled in the back.

So Matt has heard i'm a drinker. Great.

"I hardly drink at home any more," said Rob. "The last time i drank was at Chili's*. They had these 16 oz. glasses..."

"Not a tube direct from the tap to your mouth?" Teased Matt.

More cackling.

Rob started asking me if i watched Grey's Anatomy. I confessed that the only things i watched were Law & Order and CSI. Just yesterday he'd asked me what kinda music i liked.

"I like Criminal Intent," said Rob. "I like Bobby."

"I just watch porn," Matt responded. "Porn, porn, porn. That's all i do."

"That's what i do too when Law & Order isn't on," i said. With a straight face. Rob laughed again.

I hate to admit, but that was the most interesting conversation i've had since JD left Monday morning.

On the way home, anxiety and regret built up. Now everybody knows i drink when i get home. Fatigue has the same effect on me as boozing, so much so that i seldom censor my speech when i'm dead tired. I started wondering if i'd made an inappropriate joke or two, and ruminating that perhaps now Matt realized i was damaged goods. But...

1) Why should i care? There's nothing going on.
2) Even if there's a remote potential for some kind of a relationship, brutal honesty is the only way to go.

Come to think of it, if someone learns that i drink myself silly and is still interested, something is probably not right in the head on their end.

After work, i followed my impulse to head for the lake near my house. I sat on a bench and took in the sun, the breeze, and the sound of running water. It was zen for five minutes. (There was not a cloud in the sky. My soul could be as clear.) I stared at the fountain, and acknowledged that each moment was unique - at each nanosecond, the water particles were in a configuration that would never be repeated in time. Just as you savor a moment, it's gone. I watched the ripples. Each of us is but a water particle.

(I've taken one too many religious studies class, haven't i.)

In a distance, there was this tree that was bright red. So bloody red it didn't belong in California. More in Vermont, i conjected. I admired it from where i was sitting, wishing i had the energy to walk the long and winding road around the lake toward it. Then i just wished i had a better camera than my Palm. Something with zoom.

I felt blessed to live so close to this lake. Next week, after Daylight Saving Time ends, the sun will have set by the time i get home. Remember this day, i told myself, before depression befalls you.

Then i decided, enough zen. It's time to go home for a drink.

*Not what he said