Stricken

There was this young woman of East Indian decent, recently widowed at the time, in one of the groups i used to go to for therapy.

She couldn't have been more than 23. She was bright-eyed, well-groomed, had pretty features. Collected. Until she would start to speak. Then she would break down and cry.

I wonder how she is doing tonight.

Quote 62

... 誰又被傷了心
卻還不清醒

一定不是我

- "聽海", 張惠妹

Bleakness

All of a sudden i wanna bake a pineapple upside down cake. Complete with maraschino cherries.

The thought of the scent filling my studio apartment cheers me up a little.

Sometimes all i need is ONE thing to live for.

Gen X Where Forth Art Thou?

@ 5:24 a.m. it hit me that last night i typed the words "I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me Taylor".

Knowing it was one thing. Acknowledging it was something else.

As long as we were still seeing each other, there was hope. There was that one [ancient] claim once IM'd: "It could still work."

Knowing me, i feel a tinge of sadness.

No hope. No expectations. No disappointment.

That's been my mantra lately. Just not the easiest thing to put to practice.

You see, it's not Taylor i need to get over. It's myself.

As Denisse would attest and as i have recently written, on the online dating sites you get attention from older men. Much older men. I mean you should see the age range these men enter! One wouldn't even date women his own age!

In other arenas it's been the other extreme for me (yeah, smaller numbers - not to be disclosed):

1. Bellevue, Washington (Oooh across the bay from Seattle!)
2. Crawfordsville, 48.80 mi. from Indianapolis
3. Close to home

As a matter of fact #3 has invited me to see his band play downtown one of these Fridays. Think i'll go. Just so i can say to the bouncer, "I'm with the band."

Quote 60

My Love
Eat your meat...

You wanna get boned
You wanna get stoned -

You wanna get burned
You wanna get turned
You wanna get fucked inside out

I need a hit...
Suck it up
Cum

- "Woman Like a Man", B-Sides, Damien Rice

Bivalve Jones

After having looked up how to shuck an oyster [OMG i've been SO hooked on oysters lately!!! Some might say i need to get laid], once again i find clams in white wine sauce on my mind. Only this time i hafta bookmark the recipes i find.

It never ceases to impress me how many results an online search yields. My favorite is on Still Waters. [How poetic!!! Kudos!!!...]

I love it because: It does not have a gazillion ingredients. It's down to the nuts and bolts. And the best part:

Serves 4, but two can handle all of it.

Food For Thought 5

There is this one classic Friends episode where Phoebe dates a psychologist that drives everybody up the wall, and she doesn't see why.

In one scene the psychologist advises Monica, former overweight food-junkie, "Remember: It's just food. Not love!"

Tonight i chow down a Johnsonville (oooh, Freudian, anyone?) hot link, "with real jalapeños and red peppers!". Even doused in Tabasco, it ain't that good. I mean, i've had SO much better!!! So NOT worth the 21 grams of fat, 8 of which are saturated.

Oooh what does that tell you about me?!??

Recent Studies

Denisse has this theory derived from her online dating experience: Shorter men fib about their height, fudging by approximately two inches.

I was bemused and incredulous. She insisted on the objectivity in her vast studies. She's on the taller side for an Asian-American. And she will date only within her race so she's had to endure a lot of these discrepancies apparently. She'd be the authority.

Last Friday i had a date that played like a Seinfeld episode. It was so comedic, as soon as i came home, closed the door behind me and threw my purse on the foyer table (ha, ha), i burst out laughing.

But... details aside, back to Denisse's theory:

My date was 5'8" on paper. (Well, electronic paper, that is.) I purposely wore UGG's a.k.a. as flat as they come, in the name of conducting scientific research.

He was a small man! (Smeagol scrawny!) My height at best. That would be an exaggeration of at least 3"!

And you know what i say: Can't date 'em if you can't do 'em.

At one point, in the parking lot afterwards, i could swear i was towering over him. Given, there was uneven terrain, but that was one variable.

I have to concur: Dr. Denisse, your findings are accurate!!

Food For Thought 4

On Thursday i bought a whole bunch of veggies to be grilled on my homebody Sunday. Portobello was the impetus - i was inspired by a recipe online after having been in love with the fungus for four years. Then there was an eggplant recipe of Elsie's i have been meaning to try ever since i tasted hers, which involves soy sauce and Worcestershire - and i decided to improvise and replace her balsamic with rice vinegar. While i was at the store, the bell peppers called out to me, and i picked up a couple to be lightly salted. Can't go wrong with those.

Yesterday at my town's farmer's market, i spotted these miniature squash - just the cutest things. I imagined how tender they must be. All they needed was a sprinkle of salt! On impulse, i bought a few.

The miniature squash turned out the most delectable of them all - a champion in its own league. The portobello was the most disappointing. It was not so much the recipe, but i fell short on the variables. (Which explains the absence of a photo here.)

So the afterthought saved the day while the forethought plain-out fizzled, and everthing in between was mediocre at best.

Moreover, sometimes you don't have to fret over a fancy schmancy sauce or marinade. Sometimes ONE condiment - the simplest of them all - is all you need.

A lesson about life, indeed.

Continental

I eye the poly bubble mailer in which i'm sending to JD James Blunt's sophomore album All the Lost Souls.

I glance up at my zip code on an Avery 5160, and down at his, scribed with a fine-point Sharpie.

Wow, he really is far away. He's like a whole 60766 zip units away.

Goner

Why the 56-year-old Jerry Springer look-alike who recently contacted me on my online dating site is NOT gonna get a response (as emailed to Denisse last night):

1. Doesn't drink alcohol. [WHAT?!??!!]
2. Reminds me of Elton John in other pix.
3. Reminds me of the senator who turns into a puddle in X-Men.

In fact, more like, as he turns into a puddle...

Slide

"Can't wait to see ya tomorrow!!!" Writes Denisse @ 12:27 a.m.

If ONE person in the world feels this way, that's enough for me. : )

Filtered

Last Saturday, in a blog-maintenance frenzy, i modified my settings on Site Meter so that visits of the author (that would be me) would be excluded from being recorded by the counter. [I did it by user name AND by IP address. Me so proud : ) ]

That'll probably slash my weekly average by roughly 66.7%. LOL.

... My visits don't count. If you believe in reincarnation, that is a profound statement.

Merrily

OMG the dude has his hand on her ass! How awesome is THAT?!??

And You May Quote Me 14

A little sugar goes a long way.

That goes for coffee... and people.

Tainted

I like white tees. I like white underwear.

I like white boys.

But... back to the underwear: Sometimes you don't see how dingy a piece has become until you hold it up against another that is pure and immaculate.

Kinda how i feel when i examine my life, and, against advice, compare it to others': I am dingy.

Someone OxiClean me please!

Oh... yes, i know. The only one who can OxiClean me is me.

What Sounds Good Right Now

Clams in white wine sauce sprinkled with parsley flakes

As a Friend...

Congrats

On growing unattached to me.

Things I Cherished @ Alyssa's* 30th Birthday Bash

Jägermeister shots
Kissing Buttercup** the hostess on the mouth - Mmmwahh! - sweet & moist & sensual & pretty (i wish she wasn't married!)
Clear liqueur from Greece, summer of 2007, no label, imported illegally
Grilled sausage from Italy with unknown minced herb
Whole roasted garlic with brie (OMG heaven!)
Tall asparagus sautéed in pressed garlic
Rich, sinful chocolate cake - so moist! But not as moist as Buttercup's lips : )
Cake made of flowers!!! From Alyssa's Mom
Hugs and smiles and high-five's from strangers
Meeting people in person! *Gasp*! What a concept!!!
An occassional exchange of "I love you" with Alyssa
Touching a passed-out Buttercup in the exposed small of her back (so smooth!) as the guys look on and gawk through the window out peering in from the backyard
Homegrown "purple" from Rocklin, CA
A crowd cheering me on as i take a puff


*Derek II's gf. Not her real name.
**Not her real name; her parents were hippies

Taylor's Taffy

Present from Taylor, part of a 5-pound purchase @ Carousel Taffy, Capitola, CA.

Quote 61

Some days you are the dog. Some days you are the hydrant.

- Anonymous

Things I Did This Morning

1. Updated and customized the template of my blog to enable collapsible archives and better search capabilities.

2. Cleaned the toilet even though i wasn't expecting company.

Funny how trivial, mundane things can make you feel like you're being good to yourself.

3. Changed a light bulb.

How many anorexics does it take to change a light bulb? Wish i had a punch line.

Shrinkage 3

For some reason, on Sat mornings i usually weigh the least in the week.

This morning, it looks as if i've dropped another 2 lb., making it 38 lb. i have shed since my peak. And i found myself thinking, "I wonder if i can go down another." Cuz then my weight will be an even number. (Right now it's a prime number. Which, come to think of it, is cool.)

It now hurts to sit in front of the computer for hours on end because there is officially no cushioning in my bony ass. That's right. My tushy ain't cushy no mo.

Quote 60

Truth is a great flirt.

- Franz Liszt

Bearer of Wings

This evening, as i drove along 280 N, the sky was a Renaissance oil painting of lavender, baby blue, heather grey, charcoal, cream and gold - the kind they paint to inspire you to deify.

For a couple of minutes there, for me, The Nameless existed.

Omega-3 Jones

I looked up fugu this evening after a correspondent mentioned having had it in Japan. I've wondered about pufferfish since i was a child. Must be really yummy to be worth the risk of death by poisoning when hordes seem to be willing.

While @ the Monterey Aquarium, my nephew AC was fascinated by the ocean sunfish. I looked it up tonight. I'm fascinated. It's the heaviest bony fish in the world. And it looks so menacing, grotesque and stoic all at once, it reminds me of a gargoyle.

The giant is a delicacy in Japan and Taiwan. Go figure. Asians will eat anything. (I'm allowed to say that. I'm Asian.)

I'm bewildered. Huge fish can't be that tender or delectable.

Taylor wouldn't be interested. He won't eat anything with a binomial name. The ocean sunfish is known as the Mola mola.

By 8:30 p.m. i had to microwave a Gorton's lemon pepper battered fish fillet.

Malleability

You are a puzzle piece with unique curvature.

Every time you are bombarded with disappointment and hurt, your parameters are morphed.

So that you will never fit a fellow piece again.

I'm So Bright I Blind Myself

Yesterday i was getting breakfast at McDonald's when i saw "Usage McMuffin" on the menu.

I thought, "Oooh, a new item! A marketing campaign appealing to nerds?"

During my two-minute wait, I was this close to asking the clerk what a Usage McMuffin had on it, when i realized...

It's Sausage McMuffin, with the plaque shoved too far left, behind the rim.

Unprescribed

Some of us have a deficiency in an element that the body needs, e.g. iron, and have to take a supplement.

I have a deficiency in love: My brain simply does not produce enough for myself.

Where's that Love Caplet when you need one?!?? : )

No matter. Knowing me, even with an external supply i won't be able to retain it - i'll just flush it out of my system.

A Shout-Out. Almost. 2

Lately, when i smooth lotion on my lower back (i'm one of those flexible freaks that can reach all areas of my back), flashbacks of Taylor running his fingers on the lumbar section of my vertebral column will sting me like a stun gun. And by reflex my hands will jerk back, as if i have just touched a platter fresh out of a 475° oven.

There is such a negligible amount of fat on my back now that you can almost make out all the intervertebral discs...

Thank you, Taylor, for counting my vertebrae... And for everything else.

Quote 59

A retentive memory is a good thing. But the ability to forget is truly a token of greatness.

- Elbert Green Hubbard


Disclaimer: i may be paraphrasing, as i'm doing this from memory. Ha! The irony!

Epiphany 11

Autobiography of a Yogi tells that Paramhansa Yogananda saved a fawn which grew up into a deer and stayed his friend for years.

When the deer became gravely ill, it refused to die. It hung on until one night, it entered Paramhansa's dream, telling him it was ready to continue its journey, but his love was keeping it earthbound. It told him that it loved him, but it was time to let him go.

The next day, a teary-eyed Paramhansa told the deer, "I release you."

That night, the deer died.

...

When their cat Blue was near death but seemed to willfully cling on, author Carmen Richardson Rutlen told her son this story to illustrate that he had to let their beloved go in peace.

... Sometimes you have to release someone so that they can die.

I've learned recently that, sometimes, you have to release someone so that they may live.

Black Birds Have Spoken 4

Aaaaah... Nothing like starting your Sunday morning by picking up a dead cockroach.

When i spray, i drench. The suckers practically drown.

That's right. When i set out to kill something, it dies.

Phantasm

Mid-afternoon today, never having previously noticed Recchiuti Confections at the Ferry Building, i stopped in my tracks to admire it without entry. Looked like a lot of dark chocolaty pleasure to me! In my peripheral vision a man in the shop had his eyes fixed on me.

After like 30 seconds, i turned to meet his gaze. He had already looked away. It was a curt glimpse in a sea of heads, but i was floored by his gentle features. They reminded me of Taylor's.

Our eyes never met.

As i walked away, he watched me leave... in an immaculate white T-shirt that rendered him vulnerable.

Sadness washed over me.

Walking down Market toward the Embarcadero station, a group of guys passed me by. It was a blur, but i could've sworn one of them looked exactly like Dark Chocolate guy there. The sun had gone behind buildings. The streets seemed desolate. I felt surreal, as if i was playing a part in the film Abre Los Ojos.

As the Richmond train was pulling in, i spotted a pensive passenger by the window, zooming by, who could also be the one i'd had a moment with.

They're all moments.

I am chasing a ghost. Everyone and anyone can be the embodiment of my illusion called love.

And You May Quote Me 11

Being severely depressed and unable to cry...

is like

Penetration
without juice or lubricant in a tube.

True

This morning i was moving things around my purse on my foyer table (chuckle, chuckle), and dropped my Palm off the edge.

It landed on my left foot, the corner hitting first. An instant bruise. Amazing how it throbbed for more than five minutes.

I'd had a split second to decide whether to remove my foot from under the plunge. I love my Palm enough to... NOT.

Goodness

This morning Derek I, all smiles, surprised me with this tasteful arrangement of four fall leaves he put together himself. He has quite an eye, too, for each was a different hue and none overpowered the rest.

I was so pleased, i practically rambled my "Thank you's". Derek grinned, pleased that i was pleased.

"It's like a corsage!" I remarked, holding it upright against my wrist.

"Will you go to the prom with me?" Responded Derek I. He burst into laughter.

For the rest of the day i glanced at the bunch from time to time. At one point i held it up to scrutinize the colors, lines and textures. It was mesmerizing - almost psychedelic.

Random acts of kindness are soooo cool!!!

Epiphany 10

I am a surfer on sadness.

Sometimes i'm freezing. I get struck down by relentless waves. My freckled face is constantly sprayed by salty mist so i squint. My vision becomes compromised. The horizon is ambiguous twilight.

Sometimes i feel all alone. Sometimes i am all alone.

But i get back on my surfboard and do it all over anyway.

And hopefully, once in a while, a bystander admires how good my butt looks in the ocean.

S-s-s-scenario

"What Goes Around... / ...Comes Around" is possibly my favorite Justin Timberlake song. It's one of those songs that just make me move. Involuntarily. As if possessed.

(Yes, i have a favorite Justin Timberlake song. How sad.)

In said song, there's a "busy tone" phone reference. What are we, in the 20th century? You go straight to voicemail!

In said song, also, Justin rhymes "cheated" with " bleeded". Umm, did you finish grade school? The past tense of "bleed" is "bled"!

I actually gave the artist the benefit of the doubt and looked it up. Sorry, Justin. Someone must've missed the day they taught conjugation.*


*Okay, Justin probably didn't write the lyrics himself. But it's just fun to pick on him. : )

Lorton

Every time i listen to "Sorry" by Maria Mena i'm reminded of this one Friday night toward the end of summer i was at Nectar Wine Lounge.

'Twas a beautiful night. Already chilly in California. The air was crisper than a white Gap button-down.

I texted Taylor to say hi, with a smiley. We had broken up. Goodwill is abundant when your bloodstreams have been warmed by wine.

Taylor texted back, "I miss you too."

Sadness can be a rush.

A moment later, i looked up at Burlingame Hotel across the street, and caught sight of a seated female figure on the third floor by the window sill. I imagined she was in town only for the night, not knowing a soul in the vicinity.

I could hardly tell her features in the faint light. But i saw her haunting, hungry eyes. I was reminded of those of Maria de Medeiros', so doll-like and yet pensive that they're paradoxically surreal.

There the wistful stranger stubbornly sat and peered out her window, powerless over her wistfulness.

Aren't we all...

Caveat

Looks like today is the last nice, warm day in a while.

Enjoy... i tell myself. Before depression sets in.

Bbrrrrr

Some nights my quilt winds up on the floor. When i pick it up and pull it over me in the wee hours, the tagged side sometimes lands on my shoulders.

I have to sit up and peform this elaborate rotation - the quilt is huge. By the time i'm done shifting i'm usually wide awake. But that's the way things go, for if there is one thing i hate, it is a tag around my neck.

Perhaps not as much as i would hate a tag around, say, my big toe, though.

Amiss

I don't even know how we got here.

Seems safe to surmise that, if one was not displeased with the destination, the nature of the journey would not cause vexation.

Lunch Idea Conjured @ Whole Foods

Herbed Roasted Turkey with Capers on Rosemary Crusted Wheat

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 10

I get up from in front of the computer, walk away, and forget what i got up for.

It feels funny to keep walkin' with goose bumps on my thighs.

Oh. That's right. I need pants.

Core

I told Derek II the gist my corset-fitting story.

"Apparently I'm less than zero," i concluded.

Derek was utterly amused. With a twinkle in his eye, he exclaimed, "You can't be negative!"

Negative. That i am. That... i... am...

Delay

DOMS - Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness:

When you have a strenuous workout, or when you hold your 20-pound nephew for 10 minutes on end, that same night your muscle may tingle. You may even have the shakes. But 36-48 hours later, that's when it really hurts.

Likewise, with heartache, you have an impact. Hours later, it really hits you. Doesn't seem to take as long though. But i'm just speaking for me.

Give Thanks

Derek II is going turkey hunting right before Thanksgiving.

"It's not every day you get to hunt your own food," says a stoked Derek.

"Isn't it a hassle to remove the bullet?" Frowning, i ask.

"You shoot them in the head." Derek informs me. "The male are easy targets. They've got this red crown thing."

He's even got the female turkey decoys (made of foam! Which is comical to me) and sound simulator to entice the male to draw near.

"They get frustrated," Derek further educates me. "Sometimes it takes a couple of hours, but eventually they give in and approach."

"That is so cruel!" I cry.

We have it so good as humans and don't even know it. We don't go to a bar, flirt with someone, think we're gonna get laid, and BOOM!!!!! - get our brains blown out.

Shrinkage 2

This afternoon, before the nurse gave me my injection, she pinched my upper arm in disapproval.

"Honey," she said. "You need more meat in there!"

I chuckled in disbelief. She didn't laugh with me.

Just this morning i was invited to a November wedding. (Less than two months to shop!!) After the injection appointment, i stopped at a cool boutique and tried on a few things, including a corset-esque top that had caught my eye from 6 yards away.

At the cash register, having noticed that the corset was not amongst the items i was paying for, the over-friendly clerk inquired on my fitting experience.

"It didn't work out," i lamented. "It kept shifting and slipping off."

"Perhaps you need a smaller size," suggested the chipper clerk.

Semi-embarrassed, i politely responded, "It was already size 0."

Sage 2

Denise has been bogged down by case overload at work. She would not have time to pee or have a drink of water until noon. Her stomach would hurt from not eating on time. The end of her shift would roll around and she'd still have a stack of forms to fill out.

She'd come home, too exhausted to make dinner, and pass out on the couch by 8 p.m.

Today her building is admitting yet another new patient who will be assigned to her. This morning, instead of my usual "Have a good day!", i found myself writing:

Have as good a day as you possibly can!

Lowering our expectations: That's a stepping stone to happiness.

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie 3

All afternoon i got raspberry swirl poundcake on my mind. I think i saw something of the variety @ Peet's earlier this week.

Food obsession has returned with a vengeance.

At the end of the day, unable to stand it any longer, i drove down to Bux to take my chances with the sweets. I figured, if nothing tickled my fancy, there was always raspberry mocha to fall back on. : )

I wound up getting this "Summer Fruit Cobbler" that had peach and some sort of berry, a moist center and the perfect, crumby crusty top. I sat on an oversized armchair indoors and in the sun, the best of both worlds, and really took my time with the cobbler. (Boy, that sounds dirty!!)

Perhaps it was not as much about relishing the pastry as savoring the luxurious experience of being totally in the moment, not wondering if i should be somewhere else, doing something else. I wasn't planning, timing, envisioning. For five precious minutes, I was exactly where i belonged. Guiltless and free.

Yes, I Aspire to Write 2

Before she signed my book, Ms. Allison asked if i want my name on there.

"Oh, no," i replied. "Thank you."

I'm insignificant that way.

Earlier in the day i'd imagined asking her to make it out to "V and Phoebe", the latter my alias @ Bux/Peet's. It would be like a Dr. Jackass & Ms. Hyde thing. Or simply, "To Phoebe".

But no one would get it. It would be meaningless.

Oh, as if "real" names are any more meaningful. *Huff*!

It's all arbitrary.

Life is arbitrary.

Yes, I Aspire to Write

Tonight i went to the literary event featuring Dorothy Allison like i had pondered, clad in black like a brooding writer would. For a couple of days i crammed on my copy of Bastard as if i wouldn't deserve an autograph if i wasn't well along.

By the time Ms. Allision went on stage, 20 minutes behind schedule, i was on page 14. As expected, the book was much better than the movie. And i liked the movie.

Ms. Allision was an engaging, effective, passionate speaker. But most of all i enjoyed her sense of humor. My mind didn't drift once till like 40 minutes into the thing. Considering my pathologically short attention span, that said a lot right there.

When we met vis-à-vis, she smiled and said, "I saw you sitting up front."

Wow. Ms. Allison noticed me in the fourth row. Lil ol' me.

Must've been my Crushed Cherry creme lipstick really poppin' against the backdrop of my pale face. Upon coming home, i realize I must've appeared circa-WWII Manchurian, à la Yoshiko Kawashima, when she wasn't cross-dressing.

But then i just felt a little flushed. I told her i'd enjoyed her sense of humor.

"It's quirky," she grinned.

Not unlike mine. Or so i'd like to think.

Severance 2

I wonder if it is time to replace my Memory Foam™ pillow. Apparently it has been forgetting to alleviate my chronic pain.

Quote 58

Heaven forbid i be criticized
Heaven forbid i be ignored

Did you just call her amazing
Surely we both can't be amazing

- "One", Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, Alanis Morissette

Logic

You can't lose something that was never yours.

But nothing is really ours. We possess nothing.

So really we never lose.

Quote 57

i kissed your mouth
Your back
Is that all you need?

What i am to you
is not real...

What i give to you
is just what i'm going through
What i really need
is what makes me bleed

You do not need me

- "Volcano", O, Damien Rice

Sabbatical

At work this afternoon i wished Seth* a happy vacation before he took off for his seven-day leave.

"Are you going anywhere?" I inquired. "Doing anything?"

"I'll be partying," replied Seth. "Drinking."

"Have a beer for me," i said.

"I'll have a six-pack for you," said Seth. "Everyday."

Aww. That's almost... like... Love.


*Not his real name

Aging

My baby nephew OC is turning one tomorrow. Elsie is getting him a sponge cake. He loves that texture - it's perfect to munch on, the few teeth that he has.

If i was to get a card it'd say, "Happy 1st Birthday!"

What a fallacy, huh? One's first birthday is at the moment of emerging from the birth canal. So, in essence, at age one we experience our second birthday.

Our age is always one year behind our actual existence. Which perhaps explains why our wisdom always seems to, in turn, run short.