Tips for Finding Happiness in Your Daily Life
10 years ago
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Snippet 10
Charlie:
Sorry... I didn't realize you were toasted.
Phoebe:
Some nights are worse than others.
C:
Do you always drink when we chat?
P:
What part of "i drink every night" don't you understand? I know it sounds pathetic, but it's really a celebration.
C:
What are you celebrating?
P:
My ability to drink!
Sorry... I didn't realize you were toasted.
Phoebe:
Some nights are worse than others.
C:
Do you always drink when we chat?
P:
What part of "i drink every night" don't you understand? I know it sounds pathetic, but it's really a celebration.
C:
What are you celebrating?
P:
My ability to drink!
Insomniac and Hungover...
Not a good combination.
Last night i got so hammered so fast that i crashed before 20:00. Just as i predicted, i awoke before 04:00.
Sometimes i so overdo it that i wake up in the wee hours, thirsty like a mofo. (How is a mofo thirsty? i dunno.) If i have a drink of water and lie down again, my stomach will make these weird, ominous sounds, like sorrowful souls bellowing in hellfire, reminding me i shall join them soon. This will go on for minutes, freaking me out.
My late grandma used to get up around this time every single day. She'd do her elaborate Buddhist rituals, chanting words from Ancient India that she did not understand. Darkness would turn into twilight. Then she'd head up Pine Hill for her daily exercise. Rain or shine. There are some steep slopes and long stone stairways you need to climb to get up that Pine Hill. I don't know how someone can do it day in and day out.
Occassionally i'd join my grandma in her hike. She'd show me off to her exercise buddies.
"This is my granddaughter," she'd grin and proudly announce.
They'd make a big fuss. She'd giggle. I loved her giggle.
Then we'd go to dim sum. Back home dim sum starts bright and early. It's meant for breakfast or brunch. It gave her great pleasure to treat me. She'd watch me eat, and urge me to eat some more. If that's not pure love, i don't know what is. Haha.
I prefer the Christian version of the afterlife. This way, i'll see my grandma again in heaven. (Like i'm going to heaven!) Conversely, with the Buddhist samsara, you get reincarnated over and over, and even when you run into a loved one again, you'll never know it. Besides, who wants to relive adolescent angst? I'd say "kill me first", but then i'd just get reborn.
Last night i got so hammered so fast that i crashed before 20:00. Just as i predicted, i awoke before 04:00.
Sometimes i so overdo it that i wake up in the wee hours, thirsty like a mofo. (How is a mofo thirsty? i dunno.) If i have a drink of water and lie down again, my stomach will make these weird, ominous sounds, like sorrowful souls bellowing in hellfire, reminding me i shall join them soon. This will go on for minutes, freaking me out.
My late grandma used to get up around this time every single day. She'd do her elaborate Buddhist rituals, chanting words from Ancient India that she did not understand. Darkness would turn into twilight. Then she'd head up Pine Hill for her daily exercise. Rain or shine. There are some steep slopes and long stone stairways you need to climb to get up that Pine Hill. I don't know how someone can do it day in and day out.
Occassionally i'd join my grandma in her hike. She'd show me off to her exercise buddies.
"This is my granddaughter," she'd grin and proudly announce.
They'd make a big fuss. She'd giggle. I loved her giggle.
Then we'd go to dim sum. Back home dim sum starts bright and early. It's meant for breakfast or brunch. It gave her great pleasure to treat me. She'd watch me eat, and urge me to eat some more. If that's not pure love, i don't know what is. Haha.
I prefer the Christian version of the afterlife. This way, i'll see my grandma again in heaven. (Like i'm going to heaven!) Conversely, with the Buddhist samsara, you get reincarnated over and over, and even when you run into a loved one again, you'll never know it. Besides, who wants to relive adolescent angst? I'd say "kill me first", but then i'd just get reborn.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Revelation 7
Normally i stay put when i'm drunk. I can't even collect my mail or take out the trash. Many issues come to mind here. I mean i'm not even wearing a bra! My therapist coins it mild agoraphobia.
Tonight i did it all, in my Binghamton gingham shorts in forest green and navy. And my mint J. Crew tank.
As i was stumbling back to my measly apartment, or, as revealed by JD, what the white folks would call a "rinky dink" apartment, i thought, hey, this i gotta do ALONE, no matter where i am.
It could be empowering, but it's not.
Tonight i did it all, in my Binghamton gingham shorts in forest green and navy. And my mint J. Crew tank.
As i was stumbling back to my measly apartment, or, as revealed by JD, what the white folks would call a "rinky dink" apartment, i thought, hey, this i gotta do ALONE, no matter where i am.
It could be empowering, but it's not.
Of Course I'm Insane
My best friend IA exited from my life yet again today, and i had entirely no reason to get up this morning. I had an awful night's sleep, having nightmares of all sorts invloving IA and JD. IA's voice kept playing in my head. Morphing faces and anger galore, everywhere i turned.
When i got up, I thought i'd go to the gym, just cos i had nothing to do. But i did 4 loads of laundry instead, which took 4.5 hours. No small feat for someone like me. I can't emphasize that enough.
Later in the evening, NS my beautiful friend said hi via IM. I thought, when she left for KS, she would never bother to make contact again. I was touched.
"Yoga?" She asked.
Of course! I thought. Cos i love you!
When i got up, I thought i'd go to the gym, just cos i had nothing to do. But i did 4 loads of laundry instead, which took 4.5 hours. No small feat for someone like me. I can't emphasize that enough.
Later in the evening, NS my beautiful friend said hi via IM. I thought, when she left for KS, she would never bother to make contact again. I was touched.
"Yoga?" She asked.
Of course! I thought. Cos i love you!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Once Too Many
When you blog four times within nine hours, you know it's time to get a life. And by "you", i mean me, of course.
Incidentally, i thought instead of "four times" i could say "quadrupice" - you know, as in thrice = three times? No dice. Apparently the English stopped at 3.
I recently took an online IQ test. I know... sounds iffy. But the questions seemed legit, encompassing math, logic, and speech. I scored 135, no prepping. And i was semi-drunk, to boot. Anywho, I was exactly where i thought i was. Suitably above average, but not a genius. In other words, I shall never see the interior of Mensa. And that's okay.
A rough guide, courtesy of wilderdom.com:
115-124 - Above average (e.g., university students)
125-134 - Gifted (e.g., post-graduate students)
135-144 - Highly gifted (e.g., intellectuals)
145-154 - Genius (e.g., professors)
155-164 - Genius (e.g., Nobel Prize winners)
165-179 - High genius
180-200 - Highest genius
>200 - "Unmeasurable genius"
Einstein's was 160. He probably fucked it up on purpose cos he was too cool for some dumb IQ test. One last thing: University students ≠ Above-average intelligence. Come on!
Incidentally, i thought instead of "four times" i could say "quadrupice" - you know, as in thrice = three times? No dice. Apparently the English stopped at 3.
I recently took an online IQ test. I know... sounds iffy. But the questions seemed legit, encompassing math, logic, and speech. I scored 135, no prepping. And i was semi-drunk, to boot. Anywho, I was exactly where i thought i was. Suitably above average, but not a genius. In other words, I shall never see the interior of Mensa. And that's okay.
A rough guide, courtesy of wilderdom.com:
115-124 - Above average (e.g., university students)
125-134 - Gifted (e.g., post-graduate students)
135-144 - Highly gifted (e.g., intellectuals)
145-154 - Genius (e.g., professors)
155-164 - Genius (e.g., Nobel Prize winners)
165-179 - High genius
180-200 - Highest genius
>200 - "Unmeasurable genius"
Einstein's was 160. He probably fucked it up on purpose cos he was too cool for some dumb IQ test. One last thing: University students ≠ Above-average intelligence. Come on!
Recant? Never!
In my last post, I wrote that Hoover said "normalcy" in a speech that addressed The Great Depression. I left out "Great" at first, by the way. Must've been a Freudian slip. If you think about it, no depression is ever great. What were they thinking? And, now that i've had time to think it over, Hoover's blunder probably occurred in his inaugural speech. Or maybe it was during his campaign. I'm no historian. Or political scientist. Heck, come to think of it, normalcy probably was a word before his incumbency. I'm no etymologist.
Did You Know?
Normalcy was not a word. Not until Hoover used it in a speech, addressing The Great Depression.
Normality, dude. Use it, don't abuse it.
And just cuz he said it, now it appears in Webster.
Apparently, Hoover was not our last illiterate president.
Normality, dude. Use it, don't abuse it.
And just cuz he said it, now it appears in Webster.
Apparently, Hoover was not our last illiterate president.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Normality, Here I Come
I spent the day with my best friend IA and her 20-month-old daughter J who are visiting from NY. I had the best time. Both IA and her hubby AA are light-hearted and with good humor, and that kind of positive energy was exactly what the doctor ordered.
When we stopped at Target to get diapers and J started bawling, i felt quite distressed. IA explained that J had been fussy due to jet lag and being in an unfamiliar environment. All I thought of was that i could never have a kid - that would be more than i could deal with.
But later on J took a shine to me. I had played peek-a-boo with her earlier, and now she was really fond of me. I made her giggle, over and over. She could even say my name! I melted instantly.
Delighted, I gushed, "She likes me!"
"She likes everyone!" Replies IA.
Oh. Okay. I wasn't special after all, i see.
I would say, it is so bad i need approval from even a toddler.
JD would say, i'm loving and would make a good mother.
When our party finally parted at 8:41 p.m., I was exhausted and disoriented. I took a wrong turn on the freeway, not thinking straight. I exited and decided to take surface streets instead.
I took pride in that i knew exactly where i was going. I didn't need to stop and consult with maps. I made it home swiftly.
But hark, it took 3 years to be the least bit confident about this place. If i move to Florida, i'll have to learn every route, every shortcut, and commute conditions all over again. When we're young and adventurous, it's exciting. At my age, i'm fearful and reluctant. JD is right. If we make this move, it may very well be our last one. For Christ's sake, I've never even been to Florida. It's scary as hell. On the other hand, it's the most exhilarating thing that's come my way since forever. I wish there was a way to end this post without it being a cliffhanger.
When we stopped at Target to get diapers and J started bawling, i felt quite distressed. IA explained that J had been fussy due to jet lag and being in an unfamiliar environment. All I thought of was that i could never have a kid - that would be more than i could deal with.
But later on J took a shine to me. I had played peek-a-boo with her earlier, and now she was really fond of me. I made her giggle, over and over. She could even say my name! I melted instantly.
Delighted, I gushed, "She likes me!"
"She likes everyone!" Replies IA.
Oh. Okay. I wasn't special after all, i see.
I would say, it is so bad i need approval from even a toddler.
JD would say, i'm loving and would make a good mother.
When our party finally parted at 8:41 p.m., I was exhausted and disoriented. I took a wrong turn on the freeway, not thinking straight. I exited and decided to take surface streets instead.
I took pride in that i knew exactly where i was going. I didn't need to stop and consult with maps. I made it home swiftly.
But hark, it took 3 years to be the least bit confident about this place. If i move to Florida, i'll have to learn every route, every shortcut, and commute conditions all over again. When we're young and adventurous, it's exciting. At my age, i'm fearful and reluctant. JD is right. If we make this move, it may very well be our last one. For Christ's sake, I've never even been to Florida. It's scary as hell. On the other hand, it's the most exhilarating thing that's come my way since forever. I wish there was a way to end this post without it being a cliffhanger.
Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 3
Last night, after sex, I bled. I thought, shoot, I hope i'm not having my period. And then i thought, nah, it's probably just cervical cancer.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Snippet 9
V:
Did i tell you that on July 25th i'm having a minor procedure?
Morgan:
What kind of procedure?
V:
Well... one of those -scopies... They're gonna stick a tiny camera --
M:
Up your ass?
V:
No, they've stuck one up my ass twice. This time it's down my throat. I hope it's not the same camera.
Did i tell you that on July 25th i'm having a minor procedure?
Morgan:
What kind of procedure?
V:
Well... one of those -scopies... They're gonna stick a tiny camera --
M:
Up your ass?
V:
No, they've stuck one up my ass twice. This time it's down my throat. I hope it's not the same camera.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 2
All pharmaseutical companies go for the pull strategy now, i.e. they target patients instead of physicians. It strikes me as funny that all these prescription drug commercials that are floating around all include the phrase, "Ask your doctor if you use alcohol."
Eh, my doctor already knows i'm using alcohol.
Eh, my doctor already knows i'm using alcohol.
No Neighs to Equestrian Humor
Toward the end of The Horse Whisperer, Kristin Scott Thomas' character Annie asks Tom Booker, the protagonist played by Robert Redford, "Can we have one last ride?"
Knowing she'll have to leave sooner or later. Heartbreaking stuff, i know.
Tom replies softly, "I'll saddle them up." And walks off into the barn.
Umm... horse guy? I think she meant the bedroom?
Oh... she did not. I forget. This is Montana.
Knowing she'll have to leave sooner or later. Heartbreaking stuff, i know.
Tom replies softly, "I'll saddle them up." And walks off into the barn.
Umm... horse guy? I think she meant the bedroom?
Oh... she did not. I forget. This is Montana.
A Word to the Wise 2
Yesterday Rosie*, my personal trainer (whoa! that's it, i'm officially a snob) asked me AGAIN if i had kids.
I smiled awkwardly and replied, "No."
"Are you married?" Asked Rosie.
"No," I replied.
What i really wanted to say was:
For your future reference, you twenty-year-old dumbbell! First of all, we're not pals. Don't get all chummy when you can't even remember which body parts we worked on last week. Second of all, can't you tell i'm in my thirties? When a woman is over 29, you don't ask these personal questions. Just as a hen whose biological clock is ticking loudly needs no chirpy reminder from a fledgling. Consider these possibilities:
1. Maybe she's divorced and still bitter about it, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
2. Maybe she's dating a real jerk but she can't leave him cos she doesn't think she can do better, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
3. Maybe she's a serial dater, painfully aware that she'll never find Mr. Right, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
4. Maybe she's given up on men altogether and accepted that she's always gonna be submerged in loneliness, a loneliness interspersed only with a Saturday here and there with her nephews and that's all the kids she'll ever have, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
5. Or, maybe, she's a flaming lesbian secretly crushing on you, in which case a tight-ass Catholic girl such as yourself probably wouldn't want to know.
At any rate, don't ask, don't tell, don't get personal.
Just thought i'd share. : ) XOXO
*Not her real name
I smiled awkwardly and replied, "No."
"Are you married?" Asked Rosie.
"No," I replied.
What i really wanted to say was:
For your future reference, you twenty-year-old dumbbell! First of all, we're not pals. Don't get all chummy when you can't even remember which body parts we worked on last week. Second of all, can't you tell i'm in my thirties? When a woman is over 29, you don't ask these personal questions. Just as a hen whose biological clock is ticking loudly needs no chirpy reminder from a fledgling. Consider these possibilities:
1. Maybe she's divorced and still bitter about it, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
2. Maybe she's dating a real jerk but she can't leave him cos she doesn't think she can do better, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
3. Maybe she's a serial dater, painfully aware that she'll never find Mr. Right, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
4. Maybe she's given up on men altogether and accepted that she's always gonna be submerged in loneliness, a loneliness interspersed only with a Saturday here and there with her nephews and that's all the kids she'll ever have, in which case it's none of your business and she may not want to share.
5. Or, maybe, she's a flaming lesbian secretly crushing on you, in which case a tight-ass Catholic girl such as yourself probably wouldn't want to know.
At any rate, don't ask, don't tell, don't get personal.
Just thought i'd share. : ) XOXO
*Not her real name
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Snippet 8
On moving to Florida:
JD:
I could do it alone but i'd rather do it with somebody.
Me:
Kinda like sex, right?
JD:
I could do it alone but i'd rather do it with somebody.
Me:
Kinda like sex, right?
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Revelation 6
I made up some stew today. The only ingredient that saved it was the jalapeños. Would've been utterly boring otherwise, i'm sure. It was the first time i used jalapeños, inspired by JD's chili. I seem to stick with a few favorite ingredients and run with them, varying only the condiments. Perhaps that behavior serves as an analogy to my hopeless relationships.
Last night i watched Jeopardy and The Wheel of Fortune with my brother and his family. I never watch either alone. Seems pointless if i can't blurt out the answers.
In the final round of the latter, after the RLSTNE giveaway, we've got two words in the On the Menu category, a seven-letter word followed by a three-letter one. Only the R and the E were hits.
Before the eager contestant even made an attempt at additional consonants, i yelped, "Rhubarb pie!"
My brother and my sis-in-law remained composed.
The contestant was competent enough to get "pie". But the first word stayed blank, save for the two R's.
"What pie did you say?" My brother inquired, barely turning around.
"Rhubarb," I replied, trying not to sound conceited.
The contestant had no clue. She didn't win the $35,000.
Of course, the word was rhubarb.
Not a peep from my family.
I look back at that moment as an epitome of why i turn to men for validation. Sure, these are only my peers. It's almost silly to try to fish atta-girl's out of them. But they're not stingy when it comes to paying AC my nephew compliments. I almost envy him.
But when Lisa cracked the $200 clue in the "Sh!" category on Jeopardy, "When Peter Pan lost this, Wendy sewed it back on", I cheered for her.
It's "What's a shadow?" BTW.
A side note is that i shouldn't feel proud about being an expert in the category "On the Menu".
Bottoms Up!
I woke up with severely dry lips, à la Linda Blair in The Exorcist. I was practically shedding like a snake. What the *bleep* happened? I don't recall anything out of the ordinary, as far as my before-bed rituals.
That's what happens when you allow yourself to drink to oblivion - life is an adventure, full of surprises. Never a dull moment.
That's what happens when you allow yourself to drink to oblivion - life is an adventure, full of surprises. Never a dull moment.
Revelation 5
We intellectuals make things far more complicated than they absolutely have to be.
I said that when i IM’d with York today.
He was explaining this tormenting situation with this girl at work. He’s afraid to pursue; she’s seductive and ambiguous. I mean this guy may very well be slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit.
York is in anguish. He went ahead and spilled the beans about issues with his ex-wife and consequently some other chick at work he previously had a crush on. OMG. This guy is so ridden with issues, and so in denial about them, it’s not even funny.
When i told JD over the weekend that York was far more fucked up than he and i ever was, he couldn’t believe it.
I guess listening to York helped me understand my issues somewhat. Insecurities, jealousy, an unwarranted sense of rivalry and uncertainty. An insatiable desire for attention. And to top it off, indecisiveness. Not a pretty list.
But, despite it all, listening to a guy go on and on about some hot Asian chick who sucks on a lollipop while exposing her bra strap (at work! no less) still doesn’t sit well with me.
People like myself constantly question the way they think and the way they feel. They can never trust anyone, not even themselves. They can’t tell illusions from reality.
I look at pictures of JD making garlic bread, and i think, wow, JD and i ain’t so bad. Maybe we stand a chance.
I said that when i IM’d with York today.
He was explaining this tormenting situation with this girl at work. He’s afraid to pursue; she’s seductive and ambiguous. I mean this guy may very well be slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit.
York is in anguish. He went ahead and spilled the beans about issues with his ex-wife and consequently some other chick at work he previously had a crush on. OMG. This guy is so ridden with issues, and so in denial about them, it’s not even funny.
When i told JD over the weekend that York was far more fucked up than he and i ever was, he couldn’t believe it.
I guess listening to York helped me understand my issues somewhat. Insecurities, jealousy, an unwarranted sense of rivalry and uncertainty. An insatiable desire for attention. And to top it off, indecisiveness. Not a pretty list.
But, despite it all, listening to a guy go on and on about some hot Asian chick who sucks on a lollipop while exposing her bra strap (at work! no less) still doesn’t sit well with me.
People like myself constantly question the way they think and the way they feel. They can never trust anyone, not even themselves. They can’t tell illusions from reality.
I look at pictures of JD making garlic bread, and i think, wow, JD and i ain’t so bad. Maybe we stand a chance.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Fear and Loathing in Dining Alone
Earlier today i pondered dim sum or Indian buffet for lunch. i couldn't do either. Not in a weekend.
Weekdays are fine for dining out alone. People will assume you detest your coworkers or have had a tough day. Both good thoughts.
But do that on weekends, and they'll know you're pathetic. No offense, folks who dine alone on weekends. Like i must've mentioned 5 times by now, i get more self-conscious with this notion as i age. Buffets are especially impossible - who's gonna watch your purse while you're out there piling chow on your dewy plate? It might be actually worse to carry it with you every single stroll down grub lane. It's a virtual dilemma.
Which is why the Japanese are way ahead of any other culture that comes to mind. They have sushi bars and ramen bars designed for losers - i mean, singles, like myself. My only gripe: i can still be seen. I still have to make eye contact. (My ideal setting would be facing a wall, with all other patrons dozens of yards away.) Incidentally, the portions over there are much smaller than what we're used to here in America. Maybe that would skim off the guilt and shame of being a loner, who knows.
Weekdays are fine for dining out alone. People will assume you detest your coworkers or have had a tough day. Both good thoughts.
But do that on weekends, and they'll know you're pathetic. No offense, folks who dine alone on weekends. Like i must've mentioned 5 times by now, i get more self-conscious with this notion as i age. Buffets are especially impossible - who's gonna watch your purse while you're out there piling chow on your dewy plate? It might be actually worse to carry it with you every single stroll down grub lane. It's a virtual dilemma.
Which is why the Japanese are way ahead of any other culture that comes to mind. They have sushi bars and ramen bars designed for losers - i mean, singles, like myself. My only gripe: i can still be seen. I still have to make eye contact. (My ideal setting would be facing a wall, with all other patrons dozens of yards away.) Incidentally, the portions over there are much smaller than what we're used to here in America. Maybe that would skim off the guilt and shame of being a loner, who knows.
Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey)
I was just thinking: if i can't be number one, i don't wanna be number two either. Cos everyone knows number two is ca-ca.
Haha.
BTW i didn't know how to spell ca-ca. I had to look it up. Consider that!
Haha.
BTW i didn't know how to spell ca-ca. I had to look it up. Consider that!
Friday, June 16, 2006
Quote 3
... and I'm not gonna fade
as soon as you close your eyes
and you know it
... Like anyone would be
I am flattered by
your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave.
- Alanis
p.s. Alanis beats Ben Folds Five any day, hands down.
as soon as you close your eyes
and you know it
... Like anyone would be
I am flattered by
your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave.
- Alanis
p.s. Alanis beats Ben Folds Five any day, hands down.
I Accept
In a matter of two days, JD went from “I care; I can’t imagine ever not talking to you” to “I was invisible cos I was busy talking to the whores on my porn site”. He thought it was funny. Marvelous. Why should i get upset? Not like this has never happened before. I’d be sitting on his couch and he’d be giggling away in his bedroom, too engrossed to get offline. Who am i to complain now? After all, he’s not my boyfriend any more.
Last night, York and i were chatting away when he went “DOOR”, then “gotta go”. He ended the session with an apology for the sudden departure. Today he sent a text message apologizing yet again, explaining it was “an unexpected visitor”. Was that really necessary? First DOOR then GOTTA GO? Duh!! Of course it was an unexpected visitor. And of course, it was his girlfriend. I see they’re at this stage where she can drop by unannounced. Great. If he’s so happy with her, what’s he doing flirting with me constantly? But who am i to complain? The guy’s got a girlfriend. I get it. I’m just a side dish, not the entrée.
Therapy has been all about acceptance and surrendering so far. I accept that i must be dope to keep going back for more. I also accept that i’m not number one on anyone’s list. They all tell me i’m witty and funny and intelligent and a joy to talk to, but they don’t love me. And that’s all i’m good for – a nice chat when they feel the hell like it, when it's convenient for them. At the end of the day i still sit on the sidelines. And that’s exactly where i’m supposed to be. You know what? Maybe i don’t wanna play your stupid game. Not no more – as Marsellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction.
Last night, York and i were chatting away when he went “DOOR”, then “gotta go”. He ended the session with an apology for the sudden departure. Today he sent a text message apologizing yet again, explaining it was “an unexpected visitor”. Was that really necessary? First DOOR then GOTTA GO? Duh!! Of course it was an unexpected visitor. And of course, it was his girlfriend. I see they’re at this stage where she can drop by unannounced. Great. If he’s so happy with her, what’s he doing flirting with me constantly? But who am i to complain? The guy’s got a girlfriend. I get it. I’m just a side dish, not the entrée.
Therapy has been all about acceptance and surrendering so far. I accept that i must be dope to keep going back for more. I also accept that i’m not number one on anyone’s list. They all tell me i’m witty and funny and intelligent and a joy to talk to, but they don’t love me. And that’s all i’m good for – a nice chat when they feel the hell like it, when it's convenient for them. At the end of the day i still sit on the sidelines. And that’s exactly where i’m supposed to be. You know what? Maybe i don’t wanna play your stupid game. Not no more – as Marsellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
We're Not in Kansas
This is a Toto toilet. I didn't know there was a Toto brand in commodes, did you?
1.6 gallons per flush, that's right! They present that figure with pride. And why shouldn't they? 1.6 gallons = a whopping 6.7 liters if you round it up. That ain't too shabby.
That's a conversion i learned at a restaurant JD and i used to frequent, BTW. Their toilets actually have figures from both systems screen-printed on, to accommodate patrons from all continents. I mean how considerate is that?! Gotta count your blessings, Dorothy. Blue birds pee on the rainbow and so can you.
Back Off, Lady!!
In my bipolar group yesterday, yet another older Asian lady tried to get me to go to church. What is it with older Asian ladies trying to induct me? (See the first Asian lady.)
I realize i've put myself out there in all vulnerability, but that's no reason for these religionists to prey on me. Can't a gal spill her gut and shed a tear or two without some fanatic attempting to rescue me from eternal damnation? I say these propagandists should be banned from these therapeutic groups! You should never mix psychotherapy with religion or politics. I say, you proselytize, you're out. No probation.
I realize i've put myself out there in all vulnerability, but that's no reason for these religionists to prey on me. Can't a gal spill her gut and shed a tear or two without some fanatic attempting to rescue me from eternal damnation? I say these propagandists should be banned from these therapeutic groups! You should never mix psychotherapy with religion or politics. I say, you proselytize, you're out. No probation.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Snippet 6
In response to my unemployment and how a person's inherent value lies not in his/her occupation or productiveness:
Therapist:
Even if you're a prostitute and a heroin addict up in San Francisco and haven't worked a day in your life, it doesn't make you less of a person.
Me:
Prostitution is work.
(The group laughs.)
Therapist:
Even if you're a prostitute and a heroin addict up in San Francisco and haven't worked a day in your life, it doesn't make you less of a person.
Me:
Prostitution is work.
(The group laughs.)
Self-Deprecation. Yay!
Both my brother W and my sis-in-law Elsie sent me birthday greetings today. Which means a lot more than you would think, considering they don't celebrate birthdays. Or anniversaries. Or holidays. Basically, they're the atheists of special occassions. W and i had an anthropological discussion on commemoration once. We had to agree to disagree.
They even asked me to dinner, which is really out of character. Something's up.
They must've caught on that i can barely get out of bed these days. Today, for instance, i slept till past noon. I got up only when my body started aching in dystrophy. Meanwhile, most people are going to lunch with their coworkers in their suits or slacks, having made accomplishments for half a day. My biggest accomplishement at this point is that i mopped the floor with my Swiffer, realizing that the last time i used the sucker was in August 2005. But hey, i did with zeal. You should've seen me.
So *pat, pat*, and brava to me.
They even asked me to dinner, which is really out of character. Something's up.
They must've caught on that i can barely get out of bed these days. Today, for instance, i slept till past noon. I got up only when my body started aching in dystrophy. Meanwhile, most people are going to lunch with their coworkers in their suits or slacks, having made accomplishments for half a day. My biggest accomplishement at this point is that i mopped the floor with my Swiffer, realizing that the last time i used the sucker was in August 2005. But hey, i did with zeal. You should've seen me.
So *pat, pat*, and brava to me.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
To JD
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop...
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
... And I may seem alright
and smile
when you leave
But my smiles are just a front...
And I'll keep my cool but I'm feignin'
- "I Try", Macy Gray
When will they go from here
When will they stop...
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
... And I may seem alright
and smile
when you leave
But my smiles are just a front...
And I'll keep my cool but I'm feignin'
- "I Try", Macy Gray
Monday, June 12, 2006
Nostalgia
I just made a playlist in iTunes that resembles what i had when i was prepubescent - a collection of hits from the 40's and 50's inherited from my Dad. It's far from complete; it's work in progress. Much like myself, shall i say.
I think all of us tend to get nostalgic when the present gets a little tough to deal with. Incidentally, when i took a keen interest in "the oldies" in my teens, i was trying to decipher the lyrics. I had learned English grammer since age 3, but conversational wasn't till age 11. It was a challenge and a joy. My sense of wonder preceded me. And, let's face it, the tunes were catchy.
Presently I proudly have from "Stupid Cupid" from Connie Francis to "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" from Brian Hyland to "Are You Lonesome Tonight" from the King himself.
Ah, Elvis. There's just something about that sultry voice. No wonder women of all ages swoon. Who can blame them? To this day when i hear "Do the chairs in your parlor seem emtpy and bear? Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?" I fricking tear up.
And oh, oh, "Shall i come back again"? Why don't you just close the book and have a drink with me, you Devil in Disguise!
I think all of us tend to get nostalgic when the present gets a little tough to deal with. Incidentally, when i took a keen interest in "the oldies" in my teens, i was trying to decipher the lyrics. I had learned English grammer since age 3, but conversational wasn't till age 11. It was a challenge and a joy. My sense of wonder preceded me. And, let's face it, the tunes were catchy.
Presently I proudly have from "Stupid Cupid" from Connie Francis to "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" from Brian Hyland to "Are You Lonesome Tonight" from the King himself.
Ah, Elvis. There's just something about that sultry voice. No wonder women of all ages swoon. Who can blame them? To this day when i hear "Do the chairs in your parlor seem emtpy and bear? Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?" I fricking tear up.
And oh, oh, "Shall i come back again"? Why don't you just close the book and have a drink with me, you Devil in Disguise!
Hiatus
Yesterday i looked out my window and thought, Hey, palm trees! I mean, not everyone in the world can say that. Life ain't so bad!
The moiré effect is caused by the window screen and entirely unintentional, not an artistic statement. LOL.
So it's been a tumultuous few days. The big whoop that kept me from posting started last Friday when Windows XP wouldn't load. When i couldn't even get Safe Mode to run, my heart sank. Basically that day i paced around, restless and detached from the civilized world. I did eventually settle for some magazine reading, but it was just the weirdest, most helpless feeling.
Turned out this "freeze at mup.sys" problem was widely known among WIN users. You know, it is so unfounded that geeks are purportedly socially awkward. If you read the forum, you'll see that these are fun people with a wicked sense of humor. Cool, even. (Some dude signed off with "peace out"!)
Anywho, after much ado of trial-and-error in BIOS setup, IDE cable swap, and tweaking Device Manager (some geek somewhere is getting a hard-on), my machine was finally fully functional again last night. Yay! The world is right again.
Blogging is kinda like exercise. Once you drop the ball, it's kinda hard to pick it back up. But here i am. Just one day at a time.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Revelation 4
Next Wednesday, on June 14, my birthday, i'm gonna have my first bipolar group session.
What a landmark, and what better way to celebrate my 35th joyous year on this planet.
Tonight i finally realize why i turn to alcohol. It's the only time when my emotions are pure - happy or sad. No censorship, no guilt. True liberation.
It gets quite exhausting when you're not even allowed to feel.
JD told me that, when he was in therapy and was feeling better, he started feeling like it was OK to drink. Then there was inevitable disaster to follow.
When i'm in therapy, i feel better, and i think maybe i can see JD again and make the relationship work somehow.
Patterns are predictable after all. Good thing he's not in town.
What a landmark, and what better way to celebrate my 35th joyous year on this planet.
Tonight i finally realize why i turn to alcohol. It's the only time when my emotions are pure - happy or sad. No censorship, no guilt. True liberation.
It gets quite exhausting when you're not even allowed to feel.
JD told me that, when he was in therapy and was feeling better, he started feeling like it was OK to drink. Then there was inevitable disaster to follow.
When i'm in therapy, i feel better, and i think maybe i can see JD again and make the relationship work somehow.
Patterns are predictable after all. Good thing he's not in town.
End of the World As We Know It... I Feel Fine
So 6/6/6 has come and gone, and no end of the world.
i'd like to live through armageddon to tell the story. But that could never be, cos if anyone survived, it wouldn't be the end. Not till that one (un)lucky bastard dies, too. And besides, who would you tell if you're the only one left? Come to think of it, even if there were others left to tell, why would i need to? Everyone else would've lived through it. "Duh," they'd say. "I was there!"
So, no apocalypse, to my dismay.
OK, maybe i lied. i'm kinda glad we're still all here. Well, i'm not all here. But i try. i really do. i just may survive another judgment day... or absence thereof.
i'd like to live through armageddon to tell the story. But that could never be, cos if anyone survived, it wouldn't be the end. Not till that one (un)lucky bastard dies, too. And besides, who would you tell if you're the only one left? Come to think of it, even if there were others left to tell, why would i need to? Everyone else would've lived through it. "Duh," they'd say. "I was there!"
So, no apocalypse, to my dismay.
OK, maybe i lied. i'm kinda glad we're still all here. Well, i'm not all here. But i try. i really do. i just may survive another judgment day... or absence thereof.
Quote 2
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
(In that case, i've been having the wrong potion!)
- Benjamin Franklin
(In that case, i've been having the wrong potion!)
Monday, June 05, 2006
me vs normal
I'm sitting here listening to a song that my best friend's husband wrote for her to perform live on their wedding day a few years back. At least that's what i think it is. I can't verify because i've misplaced their wedding CD that they handed out as favors, after having moved a couple of times since that blessed day. But it's available for download. Don't you just love technology? A beautiful song, written exclusively for the man's love. Performed with his very phallic electric guitar.
Today when i had to answer "sexual orientation" in my psychiatric evaluation form, i wasn't sure to pen "straight so far," or "possibly bi - we're looking into it," or "asexual and no complaints." But i decided to go with straight cos that's the least of my problems. After having filled out all the forms to go back in therapy on Wednesday, i sat back and took a good look at the check list before me. There are so many checks... everywhere! I guess i'm an open and shut case of crazy. The pages are so filled with checks, it's not even funny. Well, maybe a little funny.
Today when i had to answer "sexual orientation" in my psychiatric evaluation form, i wasn't sure to pen "straight so far," or "possibly bi - we're looking into it," or "asexual and no complaints." But i decided to go with straight cos that's the least of my problems. After having filled out all the forms to go back in therapy on Wednesday, i sat back and took a good look at the check list before me. There are so many checks... everywhere! I guess i'm an open and shut case of crazy. The pages are so filled with checks, it's not even funny. Well, maybe a little funny.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
NHI
NHI - No Humans Involved.
That's lingo i learned on Cold Case today (not a must-see in my book but i can dig it.) That's crime-scene speak for when you got a vic but no obvious link to suspects. Cool term.
That also happens to describe my life today - isolated, untouched, inconseqential... No humans involved.
That's lingo i learned on Cold Case today (not a must-see in my book but i can dig it.) That's crime-scene speak for when you got a vic but no obvious link to suspects. Cool term.
That also happens to describe my life today - isolated, untouched, inconseqential... No humans involved.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Revelation 3
This is the print i bought at IKEA that i put up when i need to run my window fan but want privacy. It took me a while to select one that was the right size, and i had to be able to live with it everyday. This one bestowed peace on me.
I glanced at it today as i hadn't put it up in a while. It was as if i was seeing it for the first time.
There are two sets of footprints.
Where's God when you need Him/Her? I guess they aren't carrying you on their shoulders after all.
Goldilocks Would Appreciate...
This was supposed to be sautéed asparagus and shrimps with minced garlic (plus an array of leftover ingredients i couldn't fit in my curry stew on Monday.) To my delight, the seasoning was just right, but everything wound up overcooked - kinda soggy and tough. And there was a lot of unintended moisture retention, as you can see.Making a perfect dish is all about timing. The last thing you want is some components overcooked and others undercooked. Remember how Goldilocks knew exactly what she wanted? Not too soft, not too firm. Apparently i haven't mastered the art of cuisine creation.
Yesterday i had my 3rd yoga session. I've concluded that yoga is a paradox.
Often times, one limb stays strong in fortitude, while its counterpart has to be in utmost inertia. You have to concentrate in nothing but the pose, while your mind is at ease. While you remain tranquil, you need to stay alert by keeping your eyes open. You are to push your body to the limits, yet your face has to relax - you cannot grimace. You simultaneously press down hard and reach up high, all the while in serenity.
Most of the time i'm screaming internally in pain and exhaustion, interspersed with self-bashing about not being able to achieve that yoga magic. Yeah, that is the hardest part - finding a balance... which shouldn't come as a surprise, given where my life is today.
To York
I'm not as ugly sad as you
Or am I origami
Folded up and just pretend
Demented as the motives in your head
... I would swallow my doubt
turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing
i wanna put my tender
heart in a blender
watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous. Then I'm through with you.
- "Inside Out", Eve 6
Friday, June 02, 2006
Revelation 2
Sometimes i wallow in self-pity like a pig wallows in mud - i can't help it; it's the only thing that remotely resembles relief.
Or is it drinking that remotely resembles relief? Hmm...
Or is it drinking that remotely resembles relief? Hmm...
ODD - Online Dating Decoding
When a man is seeking a woman "who takes care of herself", he's saying, "Fat slobs, stay away."
: )
: )
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Tolerance
In the past couple of days, i've been trying to be friends with this woman from one class who happens to be a devout Christian. Which wouldn't be an issue except devout Christians tend to zealously attempt to convert you. I consider myself pretty open-minded and tolerant, and i thought i should give the friendship an honest chance.
She's not kidding when she calls herself outspoken. Yesterday she insulted homosexuals, depressives, and folks who have sex out of wedlock. I let it go. I thought, the woman is entitled to her opinion.
Today she dissed Berkeley residents and Buddhists.
I was screaming inside.
I thought religion was supposed to be about loving one another. I thought religion was supposed to make you a better person. While it's ok to stick to your guns when it comes to morals and values, it is not ok to shun everyone who's different than you. How about a little understanding and compassion? How about dismounting your stupid high horse and level with mere mortals for a second? I don't believe you should judge until you've walked in someone's shoes.
After major ambivalence, i wondered though, wasn't i myself being judgmental in it all? After all, how can i consider myself tolerant if i can't tolerate someone like her?
She's not kidding when she calls herself outspoken. Yesterday she insulted homosexuals, depressives, and folks who have sex out of wedlock. I let it go. I thought, the woman is entitled to her opinion.
Today she dissed Berkeley residents and Buddhists.
I was screaming inside.
I thought religion was supposed to be about loving one another. I thought religion was supposed to make you a better person. While it's ok to stick to your guns when it comes to morals and values, it is not ok to shun everyone who's different than you. How about a little understanding and compassion? How about dismounting your stupid high horse and level with mere mortals for a second? I don't believe you should judge until you've walked in someone's shoes.
After major ambivalence, i wondered though, wasn't i myself being judgmental in it all? After all, how can i consider myself tolerant if i can't tolerate someone like her?
