What Goes Around

I managed to rack up a cell phone bill of $166. My eyes popped out of their sockets.

400 minutes used to suffice. I happened to go over by like 220 minutes, mostly by calling JD. That had never happened before.

Never again, now that i have Vonage. : ) And also, sadly, JD and i are on another hiatus.

Which is probably for the best, for as long as we have contact, i may never get over him. But it is still unsettling.

Last night i drunk-dialed JD. He didn't answer. Again, probably best. I didn't redial. Not once. Unlike i have in the past - like 156 times in one night. That's progress.

I endured two days of entire guilt and anxiety this week. I hadn't had it that bad in a great while. I felt like a bad person through and through.

Rob is falling for me, and i can't reciprocate. I simply don't feel that way about him.

I start to recoil. I just want to be left alone. He's been such a good friend. I feel so bad. Maybe i have been leading him on, even when i thought everything was completely innocent. Maybe i am one of those women who send mixed signals.

Now i understand how JD feels. When you don't feel that way, you don't feel that way. There's nothing you can do. And you can't deal with the guilt when that person has been nothing but nice to you.

When Rob and his "roommate" Kelly (she coined the term first) finalized their breakup recently, she would get drunk and start mouthing off. "Somebody has to win, and somebody has to lose," she said. "I guess you got what you wanted."

That was exactly what my XH said when i divorced him.

I recall how i felt when i was head over heels over JD. And how bitter i got every time we ended it. I thought he didn't understand my suffering, and/or didn't care.

When Hibiscus left JD for a rich guy, it was like she had stabbed him in the heart and twisted the knife while he bled dry.

Somebody always gets hurt. It's pure bad karma going 'round and 'round. Everybody knows pain, indeed. We are never alone.

I used to tell JD it was easier for the dumper than the dumpee. Turns out it's not true.

Live and learn.