Revelation 18

On Tuesday, i tempted with fate by taking 25 mg of Lamictal instead of the recommended 50, thinking i'd be fine on a lower dosage. Sure enough, i grew restless and suicidal.

Not nearly as suicidal as i would've been on 0 mg, i'm sure.

Last night i was gonna go to my online networking group dinner in downtown San Jose, at a restaurant that's known as a "meat market". (Haha.) But i wound up having drinks with Rob my fellow bipolar alcoholic from work instead. Turned out the dinner was cancelled anyway. But i hadn't known that.

I'm sure i said plenty of inappropriate things. I got way wasted.

Rob wasn't in much better shape today either. He showed up much later than usual, went home for a nap, made another courtesy appearance, and then bailed.

I felt guilty. I don't even know why.

Rob is a lot like JD in a lot of ways. Which is uncanny. Which makes me sad.

I confided in Rob that i pretty much drank every night.

"Not that i'm calling you an alcoholic," i then said. "But you are one, right?"

Rob laughed a stifled laugh. "I've been called one, yes." He responded.

Good enough for me.

He said i could call him any time. "Even if i was drunk and stupid and was slurring my words?" i asked incredulously.

"I like you for who you are," said Rob.

Tonight i finally checked my email again. Denisse wants to know about Vegas.

"Maybe we should just go," I wrote back. "Then i'll shut up and just enjoy it."

The problem with us psychotics is that we can't make a decision at times, we're so overwhelmed. But it doesn't matter. No matter what we decide to do, we'll regret it one way or another. We'll always wonder, What if i did/didn't do this?

I wasn't gonna drink tonight, i was still so sick and tired from last night. I'd come home shortly after midnight and hurled in the comfort of my own bathroom - only there was nothing to regurgitate but blood. Nice.

But i couldn't not drink tonight. Sobriety literally scared me. I felt lost.

OK. Maybe i do have an addiction problem. Now i realize.

Now? JD would josh and cackle.

And i also realize i only feel marginally okay with my meds. I am NOT OK on my own.

That makes me sad.

S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm experiencing it again as of right now. Year after year. Without fail.