Irrelevance

It just hit me that, after we broke up, Taylor never set himself permanently invisible to me on Yahoo Messenger.

One might argue... That's almost... like... Love.

Sway Me Now

Listening to Bonnie Raitt's "Have a Heart" transports me back to my very first (studio) apartment, freshman year, Chico State, with a large window through which i could watch tree branches sway in the breeze. I couldn't relate to the lyrics then. But i liked the song nonetheless.

Fast forward to today. I have synchronized agony with said song time and again. In my (studio) apartment, with a large patio door, through which i can watch tree branches sway in the breeze.

I may not have come a long way. But give me a glimpse of serenity, and i'm happy. Or some version of it.

Beachhead

Courtesy of Taylor.

Prior to that Saturday in Carmel, i hadn't walked into the ocean in over a decade. It was gloomy and freezing, but i was so giddy i laughed whole-heartedly as I waddled through all the way. And then I walked with wet sand between my toes for at least half a mile. It was like being a kid all over again.

Those days are few and far between indeed.

Quote 52

Sometimes, in order to see the light, you have to risk the dark.

- Anonymous

Solitaire

When i was about 12, i would sit and read on the crimson-carpeted stairs in my family flat overlooking a quaint Catholic cemetery. I'd sit for hours on end and finish a novel in, like, a day. That was my world. My escape. I'd be aware of my shadow elongating while the sun set on me. The distant tombstones and cherubs would turn golden. My walls would turn golden.

I was very alone then. As i am alone now, aware of the sun setting on me. Only back then i owned that solitude. Now i am engulfed by it.

Lunar 2

Driving home tonight, after a day of severe depression, i had a spiritual experience.

I'd had Maria Mena's "A Few Small Bruises" on repeat play all day. Somehow i couldn't convince myself with the lyrics in the chrous: "I'm fine."

It was a clear night. The first quarter moon was bright and serene. So beautiful, even though it was only half full.

Many stories in my life started under the moon. Various flashbacks consecutively occurred in a matter of seconds. And i was miraculously filled with a sense of who i was at the core. Even though it was still kind of vague. And i was no longer defined by the experiences of recent past.

I drove on, and the moon was always ahead of me. It was like chasing a dream but never losing hope.

There it was, only half full. Always waning or waxing. Constantly inconsistent. Yet always, but always, beautiful - if you could just embrace the phases.

In the moon i see validation for bipolars.

Sniffing My Fingers...

... i cannot discern if the faint fragrance is from sunscreen or roach spray.

Seized

Today is the day i was supposed to get over Taylor. (According to the theory that it takes half the time you were with someone...)

The theory is inapplicable to me, it seems.

Forsaken

Just now i thought i was pretty sure Taylor is on a date right now.

And i had this urge - this need - to cut. That tends to be the case when i feel no one cares.

And damn it, this blog is about honesty, right? Cuz God knows humans can scarsely handle brutal honesty. And allegedly no one reads this blog any more.

But something pulled me back. The fact that we had talked about it. The fact that he had asked me not to. When we butted heads. À la Rainman.

But i really needed to feel something. So i drove my thumb nail in my wrist instead. Relentlessly. Almost symbolically.

5 minutes later, i felt the pain.

The site was marked. Peeling dead skin and all. Man, my nails are sharp!

No wonder i have scratched up Taylor's back real good.

Have You Noticed...

... that, sometimes, nasal mucus smells just like semen?

Quote 51

Yes, i feel stupid to call you but
i'm lonely
And i don't think you meant it
When you said you couldn't
Love me

And i thought maybe if i
kissed the way you do

You'd feel it too

- "Sorry", White Turns Blue, Maria Mena

You and I

Two drops of the ocean
Colliding at Random
Never to be adjacent
Again

To Recap...

After work today, i got a haircut, ran two errands, AND rode my bike until sundown. What fun is being bipolar if you don't have high-energy, ambitious days?

Dubito, Ergo Sum

Mid-morning today, i don't know what brought on the memory of Taylor telling me the chances of us coming back as humans in the next life are as slim as a tortoise swimming across the ocean on its back. Or something like that. (When i first heard it, i thought, tortoises don't do back strokes?)

Today, in a bitter moment, i thought: I don't want to come back human and go through this nonsense all over again. I don't want to transcend to nirvana either. I want to cease to exist.

As soon as i said that in my head, my heart started racing. "Ssshhh!!!" Another voice hushed. "You don't mean that! Take it back!"

The idea of ceasing to exist is unfathomable. It's hard to accept that this thing we call consciousness might end. I choose to believe those stories of floating in the ceiling peering back down at one's body are true. Because not believing is unbearable.

How do you define consciousness anyway? It lies not in brain activity or heartbeat or respiration alone.

Being John Malkovich came to mind. (Who's in my head now?) Next: MIB. I felt like a little alien navigating this body as my arm reached for my mug of coffee, veering meticulously with complex control panels, looking through these one-way mirrors we call eyes.

Quote 50

People say what we are all seeking is the meaning of life. I think what we're really seeking is the experience of being alive.

- Rudyard Kipling

Peregrination 3

Today, after work, even though i was dead tired, i didn't wanna go home. I really, really didn't wanna go home.

I wanted to be near water. Feel sun on my skin. Be outside.

In a split second i changed two lanes to get my crazy ass on 85 N and on to Shoreline Park. In my business attire and all. And wheat bread and Coke Zero i had just purchased still in the trunk. I didn't care.

I'd never been there on a weekday. The parking lot was practically desolate. No one there but women and children. (Cuz the men had gone to war...)

The bay was a marvelous sight. Such dazzling reflections. The marsh reek brought in by the breeze was a welcome scent.

And so i strolled along. In my business attire. Amidst mothers and children. I love being the oddball.

I delighted in the sight of smiles and green leaves and birds diving and feeding. Glory to a summer that hasn't ended! Same trail, but traveling on foot definitely evokes different emotions than riding on a bike.

Just like in the movies, i passed an old couple sitting on a bench.

"Good day to be taking a walk, isn't it?" Asked the man.

I answered affirmatively, and asked if the path wrapped all the way around.

Alas, it did not. I thanked them and went on my way.

It's such an impactful image: A couple simply sitting and watching a body of water. Content.

Suddenly...

Continuing on my journey alone became symbolic, and i got choked up.

On the way back i caught sight of patches of duck shit on the path. Fresh, moist, and pungent duck shit. All over. Which i never noticed on the way out.

... Metaphorical of what we choose to see as we shift through time.

No matter. I shall bravely march on. Duck shit and all.

One Life

Rumi said...

Dance as if no one is watching
Love as if you have never been hurt before
Blog as if your ex is not reading

OK... the last line is not Rumi's. It's mine. : ) Same idea, no?

'Twas Friday the 13th

Last night would have been the monthaversary for Taylor and me.

Taylor was, as he'd tell me later, "in a loud place". I was home watching So You Think You Can Dance. I see the humor in that.

I had a smidgen of port over the duration of the show. No refills. This is the new age of self-control.

Why port, you ask? To commemorate the night i met Taylor when that was my beverage of choice. Yes, i know. I'm a sentimental fool.

Quote 49

Except for
a few small bruises
Cuts
and scars
Well, i'm fine
Thank you for asking

I'm so glad we have these moments here
I know they think i'm crazy...
And you reached out your hand
And said, "I understand."

... And as you read my words out loud
Make me sound genius
Make me sound
Special

- "A Few Small Bruises", White Turns Blue, Maria Mena

When It Rains, It Pours

Tonight JD writes to let me know he's moving to FL in September.

"He's finally done it," i thought. I felt relief for him.

To think it was only last summer when we discussed moving to FL together.

Even though i haven't seen JD in more than half a year and i had no plans to see him any time soon, it was comforting to know he was only 21.4 mi. away if i wanted to see him. As opposed to... 3006.0 mi. away.

There is a profound sense of loss. But he sounds... at peace. And that's all one can wish a friend. One of the best, no less.

The Embrace

When Taylor and i first met in person, we had been emailing for a week. We had covered many subjects comfortably.

He opened his arms. "Do i get a hug?" He asked.

I went up and put my arms around him. It was natural and innocent, as if we were first graders. The first time ever i wasn't self-conscious about pressing my breasts against someone unfamiliar. That's just it. He didn't feel unfamiliar.

"Aww..." Taylor said. "I get a hug..."

Yesterday we got to say goodbye in person. (It so sux to be dumped online!) We had a really good talk. Things ended on a pretty good note. I got the closure that i needed.

"A hug?" Asked Taylor.

I went up and put my arms around him. It was natural and innocent. I'd be lying, though, if i said i wasn't sad.

"Aww..." Said Taylor.

Life comes full circle, indeed.

Psyched

Today, someone called me an alcoholic to my face. That was a first for me. It was harsh.

I've called myself an alcoholic on here a lot. I guess i've always chosen to believe it's partly a joke. Being called an alcoholic upset me as much as it did because deep down i considered the truth in that statement.

Tonight i decided that, instead of doubting whether i had totally lost control over drinking, i would simply regain control.

Experiencing some restlessness, I wrote JD - i hadn't contacted him in a while, and in so doing i felt selfish. But he is the only one who's shared my experience who would completely understand. And the good thing about writing him is that i don't need to hear back. Cuz i just know he understands. And i will have been heard.

As i would tell Denisse later, the thing about trying to cut a (bad) habit is finding something to do in place of it. It gets tricky. It's summer. There's nothing on TV. TV gets old anyway. This may sound like a joke but i may have to take up reading real soon.

I did turn on the TV anyway. Gotta have something to numb the mind before further enlightenment. Better radiation than intoxication in this case.

And i made it. Not a drop. Now, I'm aware that, if this truly was not an issue, i wouldn't even have to prove it. What can i say, i'm work in progress. I have a pretty strong will. I can do it. I've done a thing or two with nothing but sheer will. I will no longer be someone who "drinks regularly" in her online dating profile.

Speaking of which, did Taylor really think that someone who "drinks regularly" will not, at least some of the time, overindulge?!??

Quote 48

I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world
To me

... Can you still love me
When you can't see me any more

- "Other Side of the World", Eye to the Telescope, KT Tunstall

You Know What They Say...

... the fastest way to get over a guy is to get under another.

I foresee making many mistakes. I will never find the right person. As i am not right myself.

Lord, have mercy!

As Taylor said, seeing me in the nude for the first time.

You Know It's Foreboding When...

... the night before your first weekend getaway, you listen to Elisa's "A Little Over Zero", and relate (innocently, seemingly for no apparent reason):

i want to break up
and just live my life
i want to wake up
and find that i'm alive

Out of the Bottle

Derek II pried the Taylor* situation out of me this afternoon. I had moped around teary all day. It was not a miracle someone had noticed.

I hadn't planned on telling anyone, especially not at work. I resisted, too. "If i talk about it, i'll probably start to cry," i said.

"You can cry," said Derek.

"It's supposedly unprofessional to cry at work," i replied.

Well, i wound up talking about it. For more than 1.5 hours. And i didn't cry.

And it did help. More than i would've expected. Hearing myself out loud on Taylor made him more real and less of a god - the perfect mate that got away.

And, ultimately, all human beings want to be heard.

At one point i said, "There's this one guy on [the online dating site i'm on], whom i never contacted, who wrote this great line. It goes, 'Everybody has baggage. It matters only where you put it.'"

Derek nodded in concert.

"I still don't know where to put mine," I continued. "It's all over the place. I don't know about other folks... Sometimes a piece drops out of an overhead compartment and hits you smack in the head when you least expect it."

Derek laughed. Oh, wow, i made someone laugh. Which was one of the things missing, incidentally, with Taylor.

Derek says it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. (I've heard different versions, i'm sure.) If that is true, though, i'll be over Taylor on 8/20.


*Not his real name

Revelation 26

When a relationship ends, i do laundry.

i'm gonna wash that man right out of my clothes

And You May Quote Me 12

Every so often...

Your path converges with someone else's
So the universe makes sense.

But only for so long
Before you have to embark on your own...

For a Change...

...I'm crying for someone
Other than myself
Who deserves so much to be loved
For who he is

And i couldn't be The One
to love him

Passage

I watch distant branches gently sway
against a backdrop of unblemished blue
Aching for a love i have reached for
and not grasped
Loving the souls with whom i have
Crossed paths

In that we are kin
In that we are one

Irony

The only calls i get on my land line these days are from the Do Not Call List (877-289-5108).

Crying From an Old Place...

... where
Someone doesn't reach over
and touch you in
the middle of the night
Like they're glad you're
There.

Sometimes...

... when i can't go back to sleep at 3 a.m., i turn on the computer, just to hear it hum.

Quote 47

A cello's playing in my head
Just for me
And a new desire is blowing
Songs in my ear
... Shall i go for a smile?

Shall i
Shall i... keep it to myself

If you could understand...

I think i saw a little poem
Falling off a star
Oh i think i saw a
Tear in your eyes
As a place to spend time

Can i, can i
Step into your world

- "Beautiful Night", Lotus, Elisa

Idiocy

Yesterday a coworker of Denisse's asked if she had recently gained weight. She even went so far as to add, "Have you not been exercising lately?"

Denisse was dumbfounded. She had been totally caught off guard. This is a woman who runs six days a week and on Sunday does yoga. Having become self-conscious, for the rest of the afternoon she kept checking herself out in mirrors.

What kind of moron would say such a thing to another human being? My coworker Derek II has been bulging, and not in the right places. Have i said a thing? No!

The logic is simple: If they are aware of their weight gain, it's pointless to bring it up. If they are blissfully unaware, leave them in peace! Or... perhaps they are aware but don't give a shit. In which case, don't make an ass of yourself!!!