Just Another Wonderful Day

I dreaded today because it was a one-on-one training day. Well, more like two-on-two, but who gives an F. By yesterday i was convinced that my district supervisor hated me. By night i was having one of those paranoid attacks wherein i felt that nobody liked me or cared if i was dead or alive.

Last night York called. York I that is. By then i was too drunk to talk to anyone. Right before bed, i puked all the booze i'd been having back up. I guess i hadn't drunk heavily for so long (over a month) that my system couldn't handle the intake in one shot. I wrote York about it.

This morning, i thought, who wants to hear that i vomited? All this as a reflex to gain some sympathy?! I realized that, as a child, whenever i was to share an experience with a parent and all i wanted was an "Aww, there there...", i never got it. All i got would be a reprimand. Thus sharing would only make me feel worse about myself.

My Dad hasn't written in a few years now. Since my parents have got grandkids, they come first. And i can understand that. But on more than a handful of occasions, it's as if i don't count. A couple of times, i was chatting with my Mom online, when Elsie my sis-in-law came on, and my Mom was like, "Got to go! Elsie is on!" Oh-kay. This week, when Elsie and OC the baby came home from the hospital, i notified my Mom, knowing that W my brother would be too busy to write. She emailed W and cc'd me, inquiring whether his wife and kid had been released yet. I was like, Mom! Did you read my email? She wrote back, indicating that she was so keen on contacting W that she totally bypassed my email.

I still write my parents every week, something i've been doing since high school, when i was first away from them. I still write as if they give a shit about my life. It makes me feel better as long as i don't recall that my life affects them little. Or anybody, for that matter.

Yeah, so i'm 35. I'm supposed to get over this already. But i'm just starting to get to the bottom of things.

What good is psychotherapy is you can't blame your folks??

I was looking forward to group therapy again today after a two-week hiatus. Even though part of me really wanted to just head home and drink already. Alas, i had to put in some mandatory overtime at work after all, so i had to miss my group. I so needed it, i knew. But i was relieved at the same time.

And BTW my district person doesn't hate me after all. Eh, but i might change my mind again next week though.

I guess the mood stabilizer is working in general. Cos i haven't had the urge to slit my wrists. Not just yet.