Blatant Reality Check

JD sent me an email this afternoon. After 3 months of not communicating. I thought i'd never hear from him again. It was bittersweet.

JD still suffers from severe depression. I suddenly feel bad about blogging all this time about going out dancing and meeting new people and so on. Can you imagine that? I suddenly realize that back then i thought we should be depressed together. And i was never gonna break out of that box. That was gonna be so unhealthy. I had no idea.

This morning, coming home from the gym, all sore and drained again, i recalled the Saturday mornings when JD and i would walk past the gym in his building, and make jokes about working out on a Saturday morning. And here i am, making it a routine. This morning, i thought, in a parallet universe, i'd already have had a bloody mary by 11 a.m., be having lunch at Big Red Bird with JD, and going to Target after, then calling it a day.

I don't know who i am any more. Never have, as it occurs to me.

The anger i used to feel toward JD has been transferred to York II. I feel so discarded at times. Perhaps it matters not who the guy is. There's just this one colossal guy conglomerate that should adore me and never wrong me, high up on a pedestal.

My Dad once said that low self-esteem and egotism are two sides of the same coin. He was referring to me schizophrenic maternal uncle. My Dad, he's a wise man.

If you've been reading my blog you'll probably think i've let all this male attention go to my head. Or maybe i've been hallucinating, living in my own world. I promise you, i haven't lost it.

Gilbert has been harassing me at work. He's a big flirt, and JF my coworker and i never take him seriously anyway. He's is all talk. He sweet talks to everyone in a skirt (and pants too if there's a cunt underneath.)

But lately it's turned into a hassle. He's expecting a lot of attention. Given, i swear i've never, but never, encouraged him. First off, he's not my type. And i would never get involved with someone at work anyway. And he's young, and has a girlfriend. Personally, i think he has a genuine psychological problem.

Almost everyday he comes in to tell me i'm his favorite. Like i'm supposed to get down on my knees and thank heavens for that. Sometimes i'm just a little tired of his same gig over and over. Sometimes i'm just busy and not interested in his immaturity.

One day he claimed i'd hurt his feelings by ignoring him, and sulked for two days.

He'd asked for a hug in the past, and i always turned him down, trying to lighten things up with a joke. After all, i hate confrontation, and i didn't want things to become awkward with a guy i was gonna have to face day after day.

Yesterday, he came in to say goodbye to me and JF. Without consent, he pressed his cheek against mine. I almost screamed. Right before he took off, he put his arm around my waist, and commented that i had a "tight little body" and that he loved it.

I was really replused and felt violated. He had no right to touch me. I barely ever wanted a handshake.

I was determined to bring this matter to the manager's attention on Monday.

But funny thing... York II also thought i had a "tight little body" and said he loved it.

I am 15 lbs. lighter now. Back then I didn't know what he was talking about. He saw something i didn't.

JD appreciated my personality, my intelligence, and my sense of humor. To this day i would still think up a joke, and know that only JD would laugh with me. But he wasn't crazy about my physical attributes.

York wanted nothing but the physical with me, and wasn't real impressed with the rest. He was so responsive to the slightest caress. He liked that i was affectionate. The same affection was neediness with JD.

Together they would make one perfect guy.

It took me a long time to admit that my connection with neither was complete. At times it still hurts. (Me duele tanto.) I try real hard to remember it's not about me not being good enough. Sometimes it's just not a right match. I've always said, what are the chances? People are all the same, yet so different. And i try, i really try to come to terms with the idea that i may never find THAT guy. i need to be okay anyway.

Perhaps i concentrate on bonding with my nephews to assure my burial when i pass, given that i shall remain childless. It seems pretty set in stone now.