Epiphany 7

Today was truly the happiest day since i met my XH in Oct 1989. Honest.

Cuz ever since then my happiness has always ridden on being liked by a man. Even during the hiatus between my divorce and stumbling across JD, there was numbness. I had turned something off. I mean there were pleasurable moments, like when i was playing catch with TC the dog. But never overwhelming joy.

Tonight i experience it. Just cuz i'm alive and human and not cuz someone's in my life.

I started the day tired. Cuz, you know, one too many shots of Pig Nose. : )

But as i was driving on the De Anza/85 overpass on the way to work, the sunlight hit me. And it occurred to me: Other folks who relate to me are starting their day too. And the morning seemed blindingly glorious.

All i need is one trigger. One.

And i was on a high. I reached out. I went out of my way, asking coworkers how their day was going, all the while grinning like an idiot. From their nervous laugh i surmised they were not used to that kind of attention.

Now, i realize the high was not rational. Hey, they didn't diagnose me bipolar for no reason.

But i embrace it. I embrace it all.

I look in the mirror and see a spaghetti-strap heather grey bodice, and think "Hot", instead of "5 lb. overweight"; haphazardly pinned up hair: "Sexy", instead of "disheveled/still needs to grow out".

So You Think You Can Dance curbed my drinking tonight. Nothing has slowed me down in a while. Not sex, not love. The show was so captivating, i didn't wanna miss a thing.

It's nice to know something makes drunkenness obsolete.

OK, "obsolete" is a strong word. But it's a triumphant start.

Let me rephrase. It's nice to know something thwarts drunkenness.

I don't know. The show is mesmerizing, even more so than AI, if possible. It's just great to see people go at where their passion lies. And boy do they look good on stage. And i guess i have that much more appreciation for what they do since i have taken lessons and know how damned hard that all is. My heart goes out to that aching, that aching to be good.

Besides, as icing on the cake, Not-So-Normal-Mom left the best compliment ever. OMG who can ask for more? I haven't had that kind of feedback since my creative writing class.

Before bed i found myself humming Tiffany's "Could've Been". And for the first time since i was, i don't know, 16, i enjoyed my singing voice. It and all its imperfections (at one point i went, "Every time i take my clothes off, they always seem to fall"). I just gave it my best and i didn't care.

It's curious why the song popped in my head. As it is indisputably a sad song. But i assure you: I was not sad. The moment was as divine as i had imagined it whilst imprisoned: I was unbound, and that was all i needed: Me.