Revelation 23

'Twas a miserable day.

I went in to work sleep-deprived. I think i couldn't sleep past 5 cuz i was subconsciously worried about having to call my supervisor about a problem last Friday which had district-wide repercussions.

I put off the call until i'd had two mugs of coffee. I wouldn't know what i was talking about otherwise.

It went surprisingly well. As it always does. Cuz i always imagine the worst.

Juggling several things, i felt some stress. And the Friday thing out of my hands and still unresolved.

Then Matt walked in. A blast from the past.

On a call, i waved and smiled.

Great, i couldn't have looked worse. Greasy, ungroomed hair, weary eyes, chapped lips à la Linda Blair in The Exorcist... And i'd put on a few pounds since he last saw me.

After i got off the phone, we hugged, and small talk ensued.

His unannounced visit rattled me. I wished him gone quickly.

"So..." i said. "What are you doing here?"

"I was in the area," replied Matt. "And i needed to use your fax machine."

I've always appreciated brutal honesty. "Well, thank you for stopping by," i said. "To use my fax machine."

Before long it was time to go to lunch. I dreaded to have to locate him to say goodbye. It would be rude if i didn't. Luckily he was right next door. Au revoir was brief. I scampered out.

Just as i was about to get in my car, Matt was exiting too. With a hot blonde. Young, voluptuous, slim in all the right places. The works.

He had his hand on her waist. They were practically snuggling. He was basking in the radiance that was her presence. They looked soooo happy.

I don't think i ever saw him that happy.

It was only for a second. But it played like a slo-mo scene in a movie.

You know, when I hadn't heard from Matt in a while, i'd pretty much accepted the fact it wasn't gonna turn into anything. And i was fine. But seeing him with his type hurt a lot more than i would've expected.

Did he have to parade in front of me so heartlessly? Course, it hadn't crossed his mind. He hadn't even noticed me in the lot. It was like i didn't even exist.

And there lies the problem. I need someone to like me for me to feel like i exist.

It's not even about Matt. It's about me and my insecurities.

I texted Denisse like crazy. Thank goodness for Denisse. Without her i'd collapse. All we need is that one person to ask you how your day was. So it's kinda weird at this point that it's Denisse. But for now she needs me as much as i need her.

In the afternoon i felt like a wreck. I wanted to go home already. I had the shakes, and i didn't know if it was from over-caffeinating, having a nervous breakdown, or alcoholism.

"I will not cry, i will not cry," i repeated in my head.

And you know what, i haven't.

It's a cliché, but it's true. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.