There's a Reason I'm Fat

I woke up this morning making a mental list of things to do when i realized it was Saturday. I realized: i'll be doing a number of things, but i won't be going to that place with a big red bird as a mascot. There'll be no Target trip with JD either. And no drinking and talking with JD again.

A part of me still itches to go back and have those drunken conversations. Last night I was on the 280N on my way home from visiting my brother. There was a light shower on and off, giving my windshield a sheen like glitter. I remembered those drunken nights of driving up on this very freeway to see JD, and I had this urge to pass my exit and just take the damned freeway all the way up.

But i didn't. Because i'm fat.

There is a very profound reason i've grown and stayed fat. It's my shield from repeating a pernicious pattern. In fact i have now developed a mild phobia of losing weight. The fat is my armor, my security blanket. As long as i have the layers of fat i'm insulated from hurt.

There are nights when i have dumb fantasies of JD showing up at my door. Sometimes i imagine coming home late and finding his Explorer in my parking lot. I have the self-esteem of a yak. No, lower. Yaks probably feel pretty good about themselves. : )

I took a silly quiz on blogthings yesterday. It was called "What Kind of Drunk Are You?" #4 totally cracked me up. It said, "When you drink, you also like to..." And choice #3 is "Drink more". LOL! Of course, for me it's choice #4 - Dance.

Turned out i was an alcoholic anyhow. What enlightenment!