The Little Things I Do

Last Sunday I made tortellini myself for the first time. I even added sautéed mushrooms with a dash of cilantro and parsley flakes. I wrote my Mom about my little achievement, calling tortellini "Italian wontons".

I've shopped at the Stanford Mall again, dodging rain. On the previous Monday. After my first interview in a very long time.

Today, to commemorate the anniversary of our Reno trip, I had lobster. A whole year I didn't have lobster. How the time flew!

All this as a constant on-going effort to prove to myself I'm okay. I'm BETTER than okay.

Then why do I feel so miserable?

Perhaps, when I have my own IKEA couch with a little swivel table... when I have my own washer and dryer... when I can afford to go to a goddamned musical all by myself (Gypsy or Cabaret for starters!) (Lord knows I do everything else alone)... when I finally drive myself up to Mendocino, the Spring Break that never was, cos Lord knows no man will take me as promised, so I might as well do it myself...

Or perhaps, just perhaps, I need to be happy NOW. I just don't know how.