Drag Your Feet... Or Kick Your Heels

Sleeping in excess is a sign of depression.

Been doing that in the past two days. I'd come home from work, and hit the couch. There are times when you just have to shut out the world. There are times when you just have to go away, and even alcohol won't do it.

But you can only sleep so much. Tonight i wake up at 7 p.m., unable to do anything. And i mean anything. Not even drink. That's when i know it's really bad. I just sit there, curled into a ball.

Tuesday night I had a really fun, comfortable conversation with Matt that lasted almost an hour. I thought, hey, maybe this will work out after all. Given, i was drunk. But he didn't seem to mind. He was probably drunk too. I couldn't tell, since i was drunk.

Then Wednesday we talked on the phone again, and i realized how little we had in common.

For crying out loud, he runs five evenings a week. And does his own gardening to "stay in touch with the earth".

The way he rambled on about him, i surmised he probably doesn't care all that much about me, but only likes the fact that i am a good listener and seem to care. I mean, that's why everybody likes me. It's never about me.

"I was thinking you can mail my earrings to me," i said. "Cos it sounds like you're gonna be busy in the next few weeks."

He said he'd bring them to my office the next day.

I said he didn't have to do that. He insisted. And sounded happy when he said, "See you tomorrow!"

The night prior i had joked that i was keen in getting those earrings back cos I was afraid his psycho ex-girlfriend who had called when we were in bed at 1 a.m. might snatch 'em.

"Like, 'Whose are these?!'" Matt joked in resonance.

But never denied the existence of a psycho ex-girlfriend!

So, of course, why am i surprised. He never showed on Thursday. Not so much as a phone call.

I have enough of an issue with broken promises. But for someone not to even acknowledge having broken a promise... That's a mortal sin.

Don't make a promise unless you intend to keep it. I don't.

And he's in L.A. by now to see his kids.

I shouldn't be with someone who has kids. With all the responsibilities, i would never even come close to being among the top priorities. I'm an idiot.

Again i'm painfully aware i'm always drawn to men who aren't available.

So that brought on full-blown depression. It doesn't take much a trigger.

Last night i saw that both JD who had just returned from a week's vacation in FL, and Ms. Milwaukee herself had read my blog. That brought about a moment of happiness and peace. Cos someone cares about what's happenin' in my life.

Funny how it doesn't take much to become relatively buoyant either.

And Denisse, God bless her heart, has been really supportive, even though i couldn't even bring myself to begin to explain why i was so depressed.

"I'm a fool," I claimed.

"You're human," she said.

This morning i saw that JD had called last night, long after i'd been in bed. I called him back tonight, but he didn't pick up.

Just when i thought nothing would come to my rescue, though, i decided to have single malt, which my brother W had just recently turned me on to. It worked! Go figure. It's 86 proof.

To blog is the first step to healing. LOL.