A Loner's Concerto

The first time i listened to "Taking Chances" by Platinum Weird, i was drawn in. I remember the courage to dive in. A cannonball without holding my nose. Seems a long time ago now.

In the chorus, the single notion of "never knowing if there's... a hand to hold" gets to me. My last relationship could very well be, in fact, the last. I may never have another hand to hold.

On Friday i went to dinner with my brother's family. Prior to that i had chosen not to see them for four weeks.

Somewhere in there i told JD, self-proclaimed recluse, "If i didn't hafta work to put booze on the table, i'd never leave the house!"

JD, of course, laughed whole-heartedly.

Both W & Elsie gave me a hard time about solitude on several occassions. Even though i have joked about agoraphobia, i will ban the paralysis label. I finally wrote it like it was [ha, ha]:

All i can repeat is: Know that it's not personal. I don't know how to explain at times and i don't expect you to fully understand and it's not necessarily a bad thing nor does it mean i don't miss you. Yet, sometimes, a loner NEEDS to be alone. I have peace. I'm not exactly depressed. It's just what i need and i'd rather not go against my grain when i'm in that mode.

I do appreciate your staying in touch.

I never heard back from them. Didn't expect to. After all, what does one say to that?

The kids looked different after four weeks. They do grow like weeds, don't they? I sat right next to W. We had a good chat as we always have since we were kids.

My brother i love him. Even if he may never get me.

After din-din we all took a long stroll. Denisse and her Mom had joined us, too. As we exited the restaurant my three-year-and-three-month old nephew AC came reaching for my hand and grabbed it. Without saying a word. Just claimed it, matter-of-fact-ly. Out of all people, he picked me! Off we went, leisurely, hand in hand. At one point he let go, pointed to a metal plate on the ground and asked, "What's that?"

Stopping in my tracks to study the relief design, i enthusiastically informed AC, "It's the sewer!"

"Sewer..." AC repeated after me, cracking Denisse up.

In the next 15 minutes or so, in a similar manner, he'd get distracted, run off and point to something, and express his thoughts to me. But he always, but always, came back to me, and grabbed my hand once again.

I guess i do have a hand to hold after all.