An Irony

It's when i've extinguished a scented candle when i detect the fragrance for lingering minutes.

Newscast

By now everyone must've heard about the freak accident on the McArthur maze this morning that caused the meltdown and collapse of a large chunk of the 580 portion of the interchange.

Coming home from Denisse's, i had to hit the maze. I talked to Denisse about taking surface streets down to Oakland before entering 880, but she insisted traffic couldn't be that bad...

"If you leave now."

OK, OK, i get it. She has a hot date. She wants me out of there.

So yeah starting near the 13 interchange, traffic slowed down. We were crawling for about a mile. Then we were just inching... stop and go. For another mile and a half.

But really it could've been worse, considering. Thank goodness for my awesome iPod playlist that takes me way back, so i don't need to dwell on the present.

The coolest of all: I drove by the wreck, up close and personal. It was one of those butterfly ramps, probably 2 or 3 stories high. You can see the steel sticking out of the cement all discolored from the conflagration. This is the kind of damage you don't see unless there's been a major earthquake. I can't imagine the blaze.

It is human to have morbid fascinations with destruction and demise.

All this mess that's gonna affect hundreds of commuters for months to come, and the driver survived, hailed a cab and got himself to a hospital?

I wonder if they're gonna screen the flowers and balloons that he receives from anonymous well-wishers.

I can just picture this guy walking into a bar, and some tough guy confronting him, "So... You're the one who fucked up the maze, huh?!"

OMG, the guy will never drink in public again!

Another Bonnie In My Book

My cousin JY used to be like the little sister i never had. She adored me. Thought i was the coolest. She was one of my best friends.

The magical summer when she was 18 and i was 22, we'd get tipsy on champagne in mini bottles - you know, personal size - and have great talks and great laughs. We'd stick our heads out of the moonroof of our family van while my Dad drove, yelling, "Woo hoo!" all the way home from an evening of drinks. It was no limo, but it was fun.

Boy is my alcoholism a long way comin'.

JY and i grew apart over the years. I get frustrated. When she laughs, she tries not to show her teeth - her white, close-to-perfect teeth. She covers her mouth, and tries to keep it down. OMG, we used to laugh our asses off. We didn't care where we were, or who was looking. Now she's all ladylike and demure. Fuck. And she watches what she eats and how much she eats, like a hawk. And she doesn't eat meat any more. Or cuss. And she thinks ordering a cocktail at lunch on Saturday is blasphemous... She's just not the fun, real person i used to know.

Just now I realized i hadn't mentioned her on here since 11 months ago.

Today i dreaded having to return her call. But i did. Cuz despite it all, i do still love her like the little sister i never had.

JY asked if i planned on visiting my parents in Asia in the near future.

"I'm not feeling it... that i wanna go," i said.

"It would be good if you would visit them," she said.

"I know," i tried to explain. "I'm just saying i don't feel the desire to go."

"It would be just a week or two," she responded.

"Yes," i said. "But i'm trying to stay honest. I simply don't have the desire."

"But it's only a week or two!" She insisted.

OMG. That's when it hit me again. We're on different wavelengths now. I answered her question. I see she could not process my answer. She could not compute the information i was emitting.

When you don't want to see someone, even a second is too long.

Quote 27

The fact is, if I don't keep busy with these trivial things, I think I might start to cry.

- Gregory House, "Paternity", House

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 6

Nothing makes me happier than 79° weather. That, and looking good in a mini.

(Skirt. Not Cooper.) : )

Black Birds Have Spoken 2

I wake up at 6:55 with much anxiety.

There are mother's day cards to buy. I totally forgot till yesterday. I need five.

Should i bring Mom's over for my brother to sign? Does anyone even care? My sis-in-law had the flu last weekend. I wrote to ask if she was better. Given, it's not the same as a phone call, but would've been nice to get a reply. I've even lost the desire to see my nephews now. It scares me.

The fuckers never delivered my magazine this month. I emailed customer service. They said to call USPS. Call? Never! Takes a lot out of me just to send an email... So i sent an email to USPS. Haven't heard from them. Probably should run out and buy that magazine even though i subscribe to it, and pay 4 times as much. It's either that, or have nothing to read this month. Damn it!

I get up at 7:11 and peek out my patio door to catch a glimpse of sunrise.

Let the day begin! The alcohol won't buy itself.

Reprise

In response to saw's comment to my previous entry:

I'm a pill-popper. But that's beside the point. Did the piece not come across as sarcastic and self-deprecating?!!

It's not as fun if you have to explain it. But, for the record, there is no bubble. LOL.

What I Learned In Seven Days

Kiku is Japanese for chrysanthemum.

The Japanese word for "bamboo" is chiku.

This is curious, because chrysanthemum and bamboo rhyme in Cantonese as well.

You're Beautiful, It's True

"Don't look at the suspiciously empty bottles! Look at the screen!" Screams House at his coworkers during a surgery video screening.

Later in the episode Cameron walks up to House, with whom she's only had one date, and confesses, "I thought you wouldn't love. You just couldn't love me."

So I've only seen, like, six House episodes. I didn't know.

Greg House. He's a drinker. He's an ass. He's emotionally distant. No wonder i'm in love with him.

Bliss

My latest musical fave is The All-American Rejects. I can put "It Ends Tonight" on repeat forever. There's just something about the lead singer's voice. And the sound/arrangement is reminiscent of some mid to late 80's hits to me. Which may not be a good thing for some, but it works for me. The lyrics are pretty awesome too.

I'm having some Hakatsuru draft sake tonight. Didn't know sake could have a draft version until last weekend. From what i can gather, hakatsuru means "white crane" in Japanese. Aww... how poetic.

Never had sake until just a few years ago. Never really cared for it. Was just something that my brother and i would share over sushi. If you know me... I'd do anything to build rapport and to establish a bond of some sort.

Then recently i started to actually appreciate the taste. I guess i was just never exposed to enough varieties in the spectrum prior. Some folks dig beer for the taste. I guess sake has become my beer. Must be my Asian root. Can't escape it.

(May i note i have yet to come across a white boy who likes sake.)

So this bottle comes with a lift-off cap. Not the kind you can screw back on. I'm gonna have to finish all 300 ml of the potion. Poor me.

Music and alcohol. That's really all you need.

Pretty Please, Don't Hate Me

Today was absolutely the worse day at work. I had just discovered a serious mishap that could imply fraud that i should report to my supervisor, since i was the monitor of mishaps. Thing is, i should've noticed it two months ago, when i had first started at this location.

Memories of past job blunders began to fill my head. "Mildred is really gonna hate me now," i thought.

This is what therapists call a downward spiral. You start with one relatively trivial event, and you keep ruminating until it snowballs, and the notion that you're a loser becomes universally true. I considered resigning.

Mildred was in meetings all day. I left her a voicemail, dreading the moment to come clean. Every time the phone rang, i cringed. Heartburn kicked in. I wasn't all there. I felt like crying.

I felt like a 5th grader all over again. (There was one incident in geography class i'm not gonna recount. I was so literally sick i had to excuse myself to head over to the little girls' room.)

Why this fear of an authority figure disliking me?!! So what if Mildred does hate me? So what? Does that really affect me as in individual? My Lord!

Early in the day i thought i was losing my mind, and i had to tell someone. I knew i could trust JF my girlfriend at my old stomping grounds. I spilled my guts and thanked her for listening.

After hanging up, i thought i should ask her not to tell anyone until i'd told our boss Mildred.

She laughed and was all, "Oops, i've already told one person."

Matt, out of all people.

"But i won't tell anyone else now," JF assured me.

Within 30 seconds Matt called to lend a listening ear. I thought that was so sweet. I was inconsolable, but i tried to pull it together.

"Let me know what happens," Matt said.

I went to Quizno's for lunch. Stress had killed my appetite. I wanted something light. As opposed to my usual giant glob of refined carbs such as fried rice or noodles. I'm not much of a sandwich person, but i just love Quizno's.

Ringing me up, the cashier asked me if i wanted to win a thousand dollars.

Given the condition i was in, i imagined the stuff i would have to do to gain a chance to win would not be worth my time. And, really, what's a thousand dollars?

"Not really," i replied.

I don't think the guy has ever had a patron reply negatively to that question. I bet i made his day.

After lunch i called Matt, "I'm gonna need a drink at the end of the day!"

I wanted to ask him out. I mean, let some good come out of the predicament! But he didn't let me finish.

"Would you like go out for cocktails?" Matt asked immediately.

"I would," i said. "Are you available?"

"I am," said Matt. And he sounded glad. Giddy, really.

So, to make a long story short, Mildred laughed it off when i told her of the mishap.

"Let's not panick yet," said Mildred. And laughed.

"Let's panick later," i replied. Then we both laughed.

Aww... i made Mildred laugh. That meant so much!

"I developed an ulcer over nothing," i texted Denisse.

So, to make a long story short, Matt blew me off after all. And, to top it off, he's postponing our Friday thing till Saturday, cos he gotta go to the Giants game.

It's good to know he's got a thousand priorities over me.

I was miffed. Damned straight.

You know, earlier today, when i was starting to feel i cared, i thought this would happen. I was just setting myself up to get hurt again. And lo and behold, here we are.

Later in the night i realized i can't do Saturday anyway. I've got Denisse lined up. I promised! And unlike Matt, i keep my promises.

Well, at least Mildred doesn't hate me.

Morosity

Had quite a bit of anxiety all day. Perhaps anxiety is not the right word to describe it. Just don't have peace no matter what i do. Constantly feel like i should be doing something else, anywhere but here.

And, above all, unhappy. (Shocking.)

And i'm back in the eat-something-if-i'm-about-to-get-close-to-someone mode. Matt and i are supposed to meet on Friday. I was really looking forward to it over the weekend. Even though, knowing how flaky Matt can be, i won't be surprised if i don't hear from him at all, and Friday just goes by.

At any rate, i'm start to feel it's all pointless. What am i trying to achieve here? It's all just gonna be a giant disaster. I can't handle anything. My life is a complete wreck.

Didn't feel very competent at work, either. All day i found myself going, "I can't do this. I can't do this!" Haven't felt this negative in ages.

And when i get home nothing that i do makes me happy. Can't think of a thing that would. I imagine my family is gonna disown me if i don't come out of hiding soon. And you know what? I don't care.

Perhaps it's the blended malt i had last night instead of my usual vodka concoctions.

Yeah, blame it on the liquor. Not the chemicals in my brain.

Powerless 2

Just as i was emailing Denisse about the second coming of light (religious overtone intended), my power went out AGAIN.

Two words: Save often. Which i didn't.

You should hear it when electricity dies on you. It's like someone drawing their last breath. Very ominous.

I was devoured by pitch dark. My heart raced.

Thank goodness for my trusty flashlight! But for a while there it was like The Blair Witch Project where there's nothing but panting in the dark.

I lit as many tealights as i had tealight holders. Then it didn't seem so bad. For the first time, i witnessed the starburst effect of my multifaceted tealight holders in complete darkness. It was sooo pretty.

As i gazed into my domicile of flickering light, my fear subsided.

I'm glad i was subject to pre-Ben-Franklin time for a couple of minutes. It kept things real for me.

Powerless

This evening my power was out for 90 excruciating minutes. Anxiety built up in no time. I just sat on the couch, not knowing what to do with myself. There's nothing that i do that doesn't involve electricity.

Having my blinds wide open, i watched as the sun slowly descended. Panic crept up. I'm afraid of the dark. I don't even have real candles! I have tealights, for crying out loud.

I reported the outage first thing. Just couldn't stand feeling helpless. Having the response completely automated left me feeling very isolated. Half an hour went by and i was pacing the room.

I called back to check on the status. Any update, any information please. Convince me someone is actually working on it.

The window of restoration was between 6:51 p.m. and 8:51 p.m. It was already 7:11 p.m. An hour had gone by. By 8:51 i'd be in bed, after having a nervous breakdown of sorts.

At the onset, i heard a rukkus in the hallway: People running by, opening doors, asking each other if this was happening to them too. Soon it died down. Followed by dead silence.

In despair, I stared out at my neighbor's balcony in hopes of a sign of human life. I swore i saw something that resembled a boar's head. Decaying and putrid, perhaps. Great, i had started to hallucinate. Very Lord Of the Flies, no less.

"I need a drink, i need a drink," my head chanted.

But wait, i can't open and close the fridge 37 times like i do every single night. SHIT!!!!! So i can't even drink when the power is out??!!

Darkness gradually befell. I started to fear having to go to the bathroom. I had to put a tealight by the sink.

Ah! It dawned on me i could have blended malt, straight up! (Which by the way is not nearly as divine as single malt, i've learned the hard way.)

Just as i uncorked the sucker, my fridge began to hum. There was light again.

Back to civilization!! Hooray! To celebrate, i poured.

50 minutes after power came back on, one of PG&E's robots called to report the good news, just as i'd requested.

Oh, really? Power is back on? I didn't notice, with all my lights blasting. Thanks!!!

Yearning

I hate when i get one of those late-night cravings that i obsess over... And i just can't relax. Tonight Korean fried fish fillets with egg batter & jalapeños come to mind. That must be my body's way of informing me i'm omega-3 deficient.

So, in case you're interested, to recap, my cravings tonight are:

1. Korean fish fillets with egg batter & jalapeños
2. Sex
3. Love

In that order.

Impromptu 3

This is a real restaurant in Berkeley, California, right on Shattuck, one of the busiest streets. God bless phonetic translations!


(License plates have been blurred to protect the innocent.)

Quote 26

I always say, if my life weren't funny, it would just be true - and that's unacceptable.

- Carrie Fisher

Veteran

This was certainly a week full of drama.

Matt called me at work on Wednesday to see about returning my earrings. I was feeling fat and bloated and didn't want him to see me. And besides, subconsciously, i wanted to postpone the return. As long as he had the earrings, i'd still see him again. I figured, once the exchange was over (i still had his CD), it'd be, Buh-bye, Have a nice life.

"It has to be done," said Matt.

I felt dismayed. So i was just another errand on his list.

But he did then suggest cocktails. So i softened.

He couldn't decide where to meet up. "I can come by," i said. "We'll go from there."

He seemed pleased.

You know, it's weird. I've pictured in my head so many times making out with Matt/jumping his bones, you'd think i would've acted on my impulse by now. I guess there's great caution reining in my horny ass - greater caution than i've ever experienced.

As usual, he seemed genuinely happy to see me. And as usual, we had a great conversation. But this turned out to be a pivotal night. Somehow the subject of depression was brought up. As Freud would tell you, there is no such thing as a slip.

Matt admitted to having been on antidepressants before.

I had to ask, "Are you... just depressed? Or bipolar?"

"I have been diagnosed at one point," Matt replied uneasily, averting his eyes.

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!! This explains SO much.

Matt confided a lot more. At one point i made a joke, because it's the only way i know how to cope with sad topics.

"Why are you making fun of me?" Matt whimpered, half-jokingly. I'd never seen this vulnerable, childlike side. It was very sweet.

"No, no, i'm joking..." I said, waving my hands in the air. "Because i totally understand! Because i'm bipolar."

He looked at me, his eyes lit up, as if seeing me for the first time. "Really!" Said Matt incredulously. Then he turned away for a second to contemplate.

"It's interesting that you're bipolar," Matt concluded.

I cracked up softly. "I'm glad my disorder is entertaining to you," i said. He laughed.

It's always special when you talk to someone for hours, and all of a sudden, you're like, Really? Me Too! No Way! Way!

Matt seemed relieved. And glad. Apparently he hides his troubles from even his friends.

"I consider you a friend," said Matt.

I knew how hard it was for him to open up. So that acknowledgment meant a lot.

"That's cool," i said.

He laughed. "That's it? 'That's cool'? No 'I consider you a friend, too'?"

I laughed too, "I thought that was understood!"

"It is," he said.

Like i've always said on this blog, it's always a good feeling to make a connection. However, after i've had some time since then to ponder, i can't help but realize this is the third bipolar i've become friends with since i myself was diagnosed two years ago. You have to wonder: Do i have some sort of scent that draws them in?

Or perhaps i'm drawn to them.

Perhaps bipolars find each other like blind ants feeling their way with antennae. And even though, at the moment of contact, there is a sense of relief, each remains blind just the same.

A First Time For Everything

I've had some firsts lately.

1. Bought an avocado. Learned how to slice it.
2. A stranger bought me a drink from across the bar.
3. A woman asked me to dance.

The whirlwind was all good. And no, the stranger and the woman were not the same person.

Today was a girly day for Denisse and me. We got a manicure together - another first for me. There are so many things i'm not comfortable doing unless alone. Denisse is one of the chosen few i am at ease with. Completely. For that i feel blessed.

Then we caught a chick flick, In the Land Of Women, which was actually pretty good. I can't resist a protagonist who's introspective and trying to find himself. After all, i'm trying to find myself.

Last but not least, we checked out the Takara Sake Museum in Berkeley. With free tasting, no less. I had no idea there were so many kinds of sake. And they all tasted so good! (Go figure.) On an empty stomach, Denisse and i both got a little giddy.

"I am so happy right now!" I grinned at Denisse. "I love this place!"

She chuckled, "We should come back often!"

We ended the day on a perfect note by having sushi. It was gloomy, windy and wet out. But nothing could dampen our spirit. It was a perfect day.

Here's the anecdote of the day:

The klutz that i am, i can never make a manicure last. As a matter of fact, i usually attain at least a nick or a smudge even before i leave the parking lot. That's why i hardly ever get them.

Today, at the salon, i emerged from the restroom to join Denisse who was still getting her nails dried. I sat down next to her and examined my nails, admiring the gloss. Sure enough, it was already fucked up at two spots. I showed them to Denisse.

"How did you manage to do that?" Denisse exclaimed.

"By wiping my ass," i replied.

The Detoxing That Was Toxic

Ms. Milwaukee made my day by making a comment on the entry i posted the other day when i was feeling forlorn. Which is quite remarkable considering i've had a good day that's hard to top. She is candid and funny as ever, which i appreciate very much in another human being.

Ms. Milwaukee thinks JD has turned his back on me. JD should know i'm the same person, she says.

Well, it's more the other way around. Sober JD is not the same person to me. I felt betrayed for days, when in reality, i was the one who chose to turn away. Cos i couldn't deal. It was immature of me, i realize.

JD used to attest that a lot of our relationship was based on the fact that we both liked to drink. Detesting the concept, i would always dismiss it. I would hear none of it.

I refused to see that, if one of us was to cut the habit while the other continued, it would not be a level playing field.

Now i see. Just another thing JD turns out to be right about all along.

I have learned so much in the past 3 years through the people i have met and gotten to know a little better. Each has opened my eyes and put things in perspective for me. Even though i am more plagued than ever, i've truly become more accepting of myself as a person. On most days anyway. LOL.

Revelation 22

I've just noticed tonight that, right before i slide something in the shredder, i turn it around so i face its back.

I guess i'm a coward who can't kill the vic looking in their eye.

From Blunt To B.B.

JD emailed me to thank me for the James Blunt CD i mailed him. It's ironic in a way, cos i'd had it all packaged and ready to mail even before he'd notified me of sobering up last Sunday.

I expected him to receive the CD and not remember why James Blunt. And you know what? I'm not sure he does. And tonight, i had an urge to write back to clue him in, and to thank him for the pleasantries. But no word would suffice. And deep down i do thank him for keeping me posted on how he's doing. I know it can't be easy.

I do hate the bitterness that precedes goodwill. If he's getting better then i'm happy. But the first reaction is always linked to abandonment issues.

Tonight I saw Kill Bill and Kill Bill Vol. 2 back to back, the way they're supposed to be viewed, i realize only after viewing them. I thought they were all about violence and shock value, but turned out they've got heart! The last chapter where Beatrice and Bill are vis-à-vis is the bomb. The two protagonists are both brokenhearted at the end. Aww. Grab me a tissue.

But it's true. It's not easy when someone leaves you.

It's Thursday. And after all, Thursday is the new Friday. And i'm afraid to mention the "d" word.

"Going Home"

I love American Idol toward the final rounds. Such raw emotions no matter who gets booted. I get choked up every time.

I can't imagine how they do it, from having seen their "journey" on the big screen, tears streaming down their face, right on to singing one last time, all without missing a beat.

I'm glad i don't have any kind of talent that subjects me to this kind of fierce competition and brutal elimination.

Random Thought 2

If i ever have a child i'm gonna name it Bailey. It sounds cool. It's non-gender-specific. And it's a liqueur.

Trickery

This morning i went to work with swollen eyes again, but probably not as bad as yesterday. Still, i felt like everyone was staring. I decided that, if anyone should ask, the swelling was due to seasonal allergies.

This guy on my floor (*chuckle* - there's only one floor) came to talk to me about an account while the customer was waiting. I could tell he was shocked by the sight of me, but hid it well. I discerned the jerky movement of the upper body though.

Later he gingerly approached, asking softly, in essence, "You look like hell. Are you okay?"

I did appreciate the concern though, i have to say. "Actually," i replied. "No."

He kinda laughed nervously.

"Very observant of you," i said. When in fact you'd have to be blind not to notice.

"But i'll be fine," i assured him.

"Are you sure?" He asked. I guess i wasn't very convincing.

Mid-morning, guy #2 on my floor (*chuckle* - there's only one floor) walked in and came right out and said, "V., you look sleepy today."

"I do?" I tried to act incredulous but i was aware my eyes were pretty bloodshot. "It's my allergies," i said as i put eyedrops in.

And only an hour before i could still taste the alcohol on my breath. I dared not near the manager even when i needed to speak to him. I think he was annoyed that i was standing 5 feet away.

I feel better now. I'm kinda proud of myself for not shutting down. Even though i was feeling antisocial, i conversed with coworkers on several occassions, smiled and everything. I was friendly and helpful on the phone. They say when you smile, they can hear it on the other end. And it makes a difference.

This is what's i've learned in therapy: When depressed, act the opposite. When you feel like avoiding human contact, be kind anyway. Look someone in the eye. After a while you won't feel like shutting everyone out. And after you've been smiling a while, you fool your brain into thinking maybe you're really not that depressed. It works.

Maybe tomorrow morning my eyes won't be swollen.

And You May Quote Me 8

I search my brain through misconstrued memories, just so I may find a remnant of love.

Adrift

Last night JD sent me an email letting me know he was detoxing. Signed, "Love, JD".

I burst into tears. I have cried over JD many times before. And just when i think he would never rattle me again, he does.

I was so overwhelmed with emotions, the waterworks would not stop. I wept for hours.

I know that i don't want him to die before turning 40. Yet, upon hearing the news, all i could do was to mourn the JD that i knew. All this time i could always pick up the phone at night, and he'd be on the other end, drunk, like me. No more talking nonsensically and laughing uncontrollably for hours. The JD i know will no longer exist. For crying out loud, "JD" stands for Just Drinking. Off booze, he'll be ND, Not Drinking?

If he starts a new blog he'll let me know, he says. Of course. He'll need a new moniker.

I have never felt more alone. The one person i could turn to is vaporizing.

I know it's very selfish of me to think all this. After all, JD is doing what's good for him. But this is my blog and it's the only place where it's all about me.

I woke up with such seriously swollen eyes that i resembled a frog. I felt my soul was escaping. Negative feelings swamped me like a tsunami. All day it was all i could do to fight back tears. I felt like i was gonna lose it any minute, and someone was gonna walk in on my nervous breakdown.

In a fleeting moment of peace i texted JD to let him know i wasn't mad at him for the other night. And i really meant it. I wish him well after all.

I have a feeling we will not be speaking again. It won't be appropriate. We're on different plateaus now. What will i say when he asks how i'm doing? "Still depressed as hell. Hold while i grab a refill"?

I played Aqualung all day. "Feels like the end..."

Last night my mind kept quoting Cast Away:

... And I've lost her all over again. I am so sad I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful she was with me on that island.

Had my first physical today. Reviewing the results of my blood test, the doc congratulated me for being in excellent shape.

"Cholesterol is good, no diabetes, liver is good..." And then she said something else but all i heard was "liver is good".

"Keep doing what you've been doing," she concluded with a smile.

Yes, ma'am. I shall continue drinking. And i'll be the only one left on this island.

Sore To Soar

I moved out of my brother's in August 2005. Inspired by the bike lanes in my new neighborhood, i swore i'd get a bike. On several occassions i'd stop by the beautiful park just 9 minutes away with a brisk walk, and admire dog walkers and runners by.

Summer ended before i was ready. Not unlike any other year. "Next summer i'm getting a bike," i declared.

Summer of 2006 came and went while i looked for a job. And thus, still no bike.

Last Thursday, i got a bike. I was having Friday off for Easter, and in my mind that was my deadline. Damn it, i'm gonna ride my bike on my day off.

It's only been 17 years and 4 months since i last rode. I lived up in Chico then and my bike was my only means of transportation besides the bus. With the bike, i had a lot more autonomy. I had such a sense of adventure back then. I'd ride all over town, exploring, combing every inch.

Sometimes i rode with my brother W, whom i lived with at the time. We'd go hours on end, covering miles like it was nothing. Today i go 8 minutes on slightly uneven terrain with an uphill grade of a pathetic 0.5%, and my legs are as wobbly at the end as the ride has been. How we take things for granted when we're young and capable!

I will always have the fond memory of coming home with W one night after a party, where there were always willing seniors to serve beer to minors. And there was always enough beer to go 'round. I mean, this is Chico we're talking about! I remember looking up in awe at the big sky full of sparkling stars, not really feeling my body. As if it wasn't me doing the steering or balancing. I was... gliding, mid-air, careless and free.

Today i ride again. There is just something very transcendent about keeping at the motion while the world passes you by. Wind whipped through my hair relentlessly, totally mussing it up. Clouds were hanging low, as if a storm was imminent. I didn't give a shit. What liberation! I know this is the closest i'll get to flying. Sure, 17 years later, i am rusty as hell. Yet it's as exhilirating as i remember it. Perhaps more.

On the first day i kept looking for a rear-view mirror. Today i realize: This is what's great about biking. It's not about looking back.

It's Never About Hors D'oeuvres

I've been craving cream cheese for five days and i don't know why.

When my mind goes haywire it always means something. Always. There's no such thing as a random thought.

Last night JD and i had another drunken convo that was peculiarly grounding in a way. Not unlike other convos really. Past 11 p.m., he had an incoming call. [Who calls past 11 p.m.?!! Oh, I mean, Which bimbo?!] He put me on hold and never picked up again. I hung up. He never redialed.

I was furious intermittently throughout the day, even though i knew our relationship had purportedly evolved into this sublimated version. And, let's face it, he's a drunk. He's not responsible for his actions.

There's nothing like being slighted by an ex you're supposedly over already.

This morning, on the way to work, i found myself trying to recall all the ingredients that went into the crab dip recipe that JD's Mom gave me. Us. When there was an us. One ingredient was, lo and behold, cream cheese.

Perhaps my mind saw this coming. Perhaps i miss JD's Mom, who is kind and loving and infinitely understanding and domestically capable - everything that my Mom is not.

Perhaps i miss the notion of being loved.

Epiphany 5

I'm going into fasting mode in approximately an hour. I'm scheduled for a cholesterol test in the morning. Doctor's order. If my life didn't depend on prescription drugs i would completely blow her off. Alas, when she says, "Bend over!" i have to ask, "When?"

Mandatory fasting always induces anxiety. Abstaining from food is hard enough on days. But taking booze away from me? That's cruel and unusual punishment.

Earlier in the evening i considered going dry tonight, and just sliding under the covers and watching American Idol till bedtime. I even ate a considerably large meal to eradicate my propensity to liquor up. The more i imagined not having a drop, the more irrationally preoccupied i became.

I did the math. If i'm required to have nothing but water and meds 12 hours prior, i figure i can have my last drink around 8 p.m.

So now that i've given in, the bigger challenge is to promptly stop at 8 p.m. See, I've already told work about my appointment for lab work. It's not like i can show up and go, "Whoops, guess i'm rescheduling, cuz i couldn't stop drinking."

Gosh. It's true. Perhaps i have a problem.

Quote 25

I don't
think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you
in terms of us
I don't think
about us
In terms of
Love

- "In Terms of Love", SheDaisy

By Yours Truly 2

Pesto-filled tortellini Alfredo with sautéed mushrooms and prawns

Aunt Authentic

My nephew AC calls me Goo Goo. As in the Goo Goo Dolls. As in Cantonese child speak for "aunt", but not just any aunt - specifically "father's older sis".

As i stepped in my brother W's house this evening, AC cheered, "Hi, Goo Goo!" Melts my heart and makes me grin every time.

"Goo Goo, where have you been diving?" Asked W in baby talk. Meaning "Where have you been hiding out?"

Tonight i played peek-a-boo with AC, with him finding refuge around his mother's legs. His face lit up with delight. The other weekend we did the same thing at lunch, with him under a table behind tablecloth. I kept saying, "I see you!" AC cracked up so bad.

I see that twinkle in his eyes. I notice that mischievous look. Tonight, for the first time, i caught him glancing sideways at me with a knowing half-smile. Totally reminded me of Damien in The Omen. Kinda crept me out. There you have it. He's only two and a half, and i have begun to witness innocence eroding away. Inevitable.

I'll enjoy it while it lasts. For now, when AC laughs, he really means it. I believe kids like me because i have never forgotten what it's like to be a child. What it's like to be genuine. Perhaps i'm akin to the female version of Peter Pan, Petra. So for now, we shall laugh our hearts out. Loud, no restraint, no tomorrow.

Spirituality Killed the Monk (Or Nun)

It is springtime indeed. There are bugs and worms everywhere.

A couple of weeks ago, i removed a bottle from my cabinet, and there rested a cockroach behind where the bottle had been. Heaving, it seemed. Hesitant. Fearful. With a full belly. Ah, it's pregnant. It's a she. All hail! I felt a strange sense of affection awash. Its life deserved to be preserved. (OMG! Alliteration!) I felt like petting it on the head, cooing, "Grasshopper!"

Last week, back from lunch on foot, i noticed a couple of caterpillars hanging from this tree on what must've been invisible silk threads. I squinted. For all i knew, they were levitating. They squirmed and stretched, and all of sudden i got goose bumps all over. I sprinted away, running my fingers through my hair lest one land in it.

Today, with my senile forgetfulness, i walked past that infested tree again. I grimaced and again sprinted away. I briefly turned my head to catch a glimpse of one prominent caterpillar.

Finally parked at home after an eventful, emotional day, i turned to grab my coat from the passenger's seat, only to find a furry little critter on the sleeve. It was green and black and white, with a red patch, resembling a fluffy feather. Uncertainly feeling its way on the woolen surface, it looked serene and beautiful.

I had an urge to gently nudge it with my index finger. Perhaps it would climb on my finger. I wondered what that would feel like.

Eew! It'd be on my finger!!! Eew! What would that feel like?!!

And so i carefully removed the coat, and scooped a dry fallen leaf under the bewildering creature. It predictably mounted the fragmented vegetation.

I placed the leaf by the nearest wall. There was no tree around. By abandoning the caterpillar, i probably killed it. Poor innocent life who unwittingly traveled with me for 6.7 miles just to die.

If you see Buddha on the side of the road, kill it. For the true buddha lives within you. So the one you see must be false.

Profoundly Shaken

The cocktail shaker JD gave me for Christmas in 2004 was the best present ever. It's the gift that keeps on giving. He also gave me two martini glasses, one in raspberry and the other in apple green, photographed above. Very festive. We talked about making margaritas but never did.

27 months later, i'm finally making martinis for the first time in my life, and actually using those glasses. I make 'em dirty, since it's the only way i know how, since it's the version Matt served me. It seems wrong somehow that i'm using JD's glasses for Matt's drink.

When you make 'em dirty, the brine makes the concoction slick. Sometimes, when i eye the reflective dewy beads that cling onto the walls of my glass, i think i'm staring into an oil lamp. And for a momentito, i'm transported.

Quote 24

For those who have to ask, no answer will suffice.

- Grissom, "Strip Strangler", CSI

Hail Tori

I go through cycles when it comes to music genres i groove to on my commute (all 8 minutes of it. I know, i am so spoiled.)

I always come back to Tori Amos. She's only like a goddess to me. When i feel injured there's only a handful of singers i can bear to listen to. In Tori's ethereal sound i find strength and spirituality.

I relatively recently found out that it's not that unique for a woman to adore Tori. And it's not that unique for a guy to despise her, either. I don't understand. She's so talented. And, boy, is she hot when she rocks out.

So today i continued my Tori fest even after arriving home. By the time the last song on Scarlet's Walk came on, i suddenly had an epiphany:

If i were a guy, my balls would've fallen off by now.

Black Birds Have Spoken

Aaahh... There's nothing like the smell of toast in the morning.

Even though, by the time my toast was done, it was 39 minutes past noon.

Aaahh... There's nothing like having breakfast past noon on a Sunday. : )

The jar of my strawberry preserves says "Best by Feb 2006". A year and two months later, it still tastes pretty good to me.

I haven't eaten at home in a long time. As a matter of fact, i have never used my toaster oven for toast until today. Many breakthroughs, i know.

And then i had shrimp cocktail with cocktail sauce that was "Best by Oct 2006". Life is good.