Last night JD sent me an email letting me know he was detoxing. Signed, "Love, JD".
I burst into tears. I have cried over JD many times before. And just when i think he would never rattle me again, he does.
I was so overwhelmed with emotions, the waterworks would not stop. I wept for hours.
I know that i don't want him to die before turning 40. Yet, upon hearing the news, all i could do was to mourn the JD that i knew. All this time i could always pick up the phone at night, and he'd be on the other end, drunk, like me. No more talking nonsensically and laughing uncontrollably for hours. The JD i know will no longer exist. For crying out loud, "JD" stands for Just Drinking. Off booze, he'll be ND, Not Drinking?
If he starts a new blog he'll let me know, he says. Of course. He'll need a new moniker.
I have never felt more alone. The one person i could turn to is vaporizing.
I know it's very selfish of me to think all this. After all, JD is doing what's good for him. But this is my blog and it's the only place where it's all about me.
I woke up with such seriously swollen eyes that i resembled a frog. I felt my soul was escaping. Negative feelings swamped me like a tsunami. All day it was all i could do to fight back tears. I felt like i was gonna lose it any minute, and someone was gonna walk in on my nervous breakdown.
In a fleeting moment of peace i texted JD to let him know i wasn't mad at him for the other night. And i really meant it. I wish him well after all.
I have a feeling we will not be speaking again. It won't be appropriate. We're on different plateaus now. What will i say when he asks how i'm doing? "Still depressed as hell. Hold while i grab a refill"?
I played Aqualung all day. "Feels like the end..."
Last night my mind kept quoting Cast Away:
... And I've lost her all over again. I am so sad I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful she was with me on that island.
Had my first physical today. Reviewing the results of my blood test, the doc congratulated me for being in excellent shape.
"Cholesterol is good, no diabetes, liver is good..." And then she said something else but all i heard was "liver is good".
"Keep doing what you've been doing," she concluded with a smile.
Yes, ma'am. I shall continue drinking. And i'll be the only one left on this island.
Tips for Finding Happiness in Your Daily Life
11 years ago
1 comment:
This is how I will start this: I don't know your relationship with JD, just what I have read on your blog.
It sounds as if you have a strong relationship with him, the context of that I do not know. Just because he is detoxing doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship is down the drain does it? If he is that good friend (or what not) he should understand that although he made a decision for himself you are still the same person and he should be there for you no matter.
Detoxing. Another subject matter. I myself should detox, but don't, occassionally I do for a short period of time and by short period I mean several minutes. OK several hours??? Truth? Only when I have to have a screen for a job. I guess my point here is that perhaps there is a reason for the detox on the outer surface, but the inner issue will still be there unless one detoxes the issue that is driving the action that leads to intoxication. Now I could go on a divulge my inner issue, but I believe you said something to the point that your blog is about you....so I will leave it at that!!! :o)
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