Trickery

This morning i went to work with swollen eyes again, but probably not as bad as yesterday. Still, i felt like everyone was staring. I decided that, if anyone should ask, the swelling was due to seasonal allergies.

This guy on my floor (*chuckle* - there's only one floor) came to talk to me about an account while the customer was waiting. I could tell he was shocked by the sight of me, but hid it well. I discerned the jerky movement of the upper body though.

Later he gingerly approached, asking softly, in essence, "You look like hell. Are you okay?"

I did appreciate the concern though, i have to say. "Actually," i replied. "No."

He kinda laughed nervously.

"Very observant of you," i said. When in fact you'd have to be blind not to notice.

"But i'll be fine," i assured him.

"Are you sure?" He asked. I guess i wasn't very convincing.

Mid-morning, guy #2 on my floor (*chuckle* - there's only one floor) walked in and came right out and said, "V., you look sleepy today."

"I do?" I tried to act incredulous but i was aware my eyes were pretty bloodshot. "It's my allergies," i said as i put eyedrops in.

And only an hour before i could still taste the alcohol on my breath. I dared not near the manager even when i needed to speak to him. I think he was annoyed that i was standing 5 feet away.

I feel better now. I'm kinda proud of myself for not shutting down. Even though i was feeling antisocial, i conversed with coworkers on several occassions, smiled and everything. I was friendly and helpful on the phone. They say when you smile, they can hear it on the other end. And it makes a difference.

This is what's i've learned in therapy: When depressed, act the opposite. When you feel like avoiding human contact, be kind anyway. Look someone in the eye. After a while you won't feel like shutting everyone out. And after you've been smiling a while, you fool your brain into thinking maybe you're really not that depressed. It works.

Maybe tomorrow morning my eyes won't be swollen.