Just Be Your Own Marvelous Self

The other day my best friend IA and i had a little chat on depression. Course, when i say "chat", i mean email. She expressed frankly she understood little about it (even though her brother has been afflicted for quite some time); all she could do was to keep me in her prayers. I wrote back, saying, heck, sometimes when i'm high, i forget what it feels like to be down in the dumps - it's just impossible to fathom.

Her comment left me feeling a little unsettled and ambivalent. On one hand, IA is my best friend. I've known her forever, I love her like a sister, and being 3,000 miles away still leaves a void in me. But hey, i don't think too much about it. If i dwell on every little thing i'll blow my brains out before Christmas. On the other, it's painful to be reminded of the loneliness of being different. To top it all off there's this guilt of not being appreciative of the fact that at least i'm in her freaking prayers.

I've talked about this blog being my sanctuary. In real life you simply don't get to be uncensored. It's tough when that censorship comes from within. It's like playing tug-o-war with you two hands.

I've considered sharing this blog with a friend or two. But once i do that, more censorship kicks in auto-frigging-matically. So i don't think so. But in theory, i could. It's a blessing, i've come to realize, to at least have a couple of friends i didn't have to pretend with. That's something.