Ostentation 4

Yesterday, upon learning i was going on a semi-blind date (which, incidentally, turned out semi-nightmarish), Derek II blurted, "Do you carry pepper spray in your purse?"

I burst out laughing. I'm a trusting, out-of-fashion fool.

Derek went and bought me pepper spray that afternoon. Not just any pepper spray. A 3-in-1, consisting of red pepper, military tear gas, and invisible UV dye! I can't even imagine coming in contact with that shit!

The directions were comical!

Turn the actuator to the firing position. For maximum results, fire the canister horizontally over the subject's eyes sparying from ear to ear.

... Shield face when firing into wind.

This morning i came in to work to find this note:

It was unexpected, and it made me smile. A moment of unadulterated amusement, as if i was five years old again, the brevity notwithstanding.