All In a Day's Work 3

Today was pretty wonderful for a Monday. And i didn't realize it until i did a mental recap just now. To me blogging is like chicken frigging soup for the soul.

I had a rough morning. Even though i got more than enough sleep, i felt zombie-esque. After 5 servings of coffee at work, my hands started trembling, and i didn't feel any more alert.

And word had it that my district supervisor was coming in today. I couldn't relax. I tried to exercise what i'd learned in CBT class to control my level of anxiety, and it worked to some extent, but i was distressed.

She came in mid-afternoon, and we actually had some laughs. I didn't do anything to her dismay. Even when she was showing me stuff i knew already, i displayed humility. Cos by now i'd learned she didn't appreciate a smart ass.

She's always reminded me of Drew Barrymore. Which i've never told her. She may not be fond of Drew Barrymore. Can't take that chance. But i sense a good spirit. I like her underneath it all.

And i wasn't so tense around her any more.

Matt came in late in the day as usual. I helped him with the label printer. He told me i was awesome. Later i realized no one had ever shown me how to work that thing. I just figured it out on my own. I should take credit for that.

He'd come in earlier, bitching and moaning about how Monday mornings sucked. I expressed empathy as usual. Five minutes later, he said, "I really didn't wanna come in today, but then i thought, V. was gonna be there."

"And that made it all worth it," i said, and chuckled.

"Yep," he replied.

In the afternoon he worked on some stuff in our office. Right before he left, i asked, "Having fun yet?"

His response was positive. And then he dashed out the door remarking, "You have a great smile!"

"So do you!" I yelled back. I don't know if he heard.

Later, Matt told Mildred* my suprevisor that i was second to only Mildred herself. Mildred agreed, but i was sure she was only humoring Matt. I was embarrassed. I'm never quite at ease with compliments.

Our company is so backwards, we don't even have MS Office on our workstations. But apparently Matt has Word on his labtop.

He ran into trouble with bulleting. Mildred thought i could help.

I tried but couldn't. That bugged me. Damn it, it says on my résumé i'm proficient in Word. I'd better live up to that statement.

So i experimented a bit after i got home. And in my drunken state i *gasp* called Matt. I'd had his cell number memorized. Big surprise.

He sounded pleased. "Maybe you can show me tomorrow," he said. I hung up feeling fulfilled.

No wonder office romance is so tempting to most. It's safe as long as you don't act on those urges. Right now, Matt is perfect, cos he hasn't rejected me. And he'll never hurt me as long as i keep my distance. So long as someone stays in the realm of fantasy, nothing can go wrong. Can't beat that element of mystique.


*Not her real name

Affirmation

It's Saturday again, and i thought Kenneth must be in the city again, without internet access. After 3 weeks, i've finally come to terms that maybe he's not just busy - he simply doesn't want to see me again.

The guy was depressed, and i got the feeling he wasn't quite over his ex-wife. Did i really want to go down that road?

But i thought he liked talking to me. I made him laugh.

I started counting all the guys who had cut me loose, whom i never heard from again. But some of them saw something in me. And those qualities are real. I embrace these qualities that make me who i am. And if someone picks and chooses which of these attributes he likes, then it's his problem, not mine.

It is unlikely i'll ever meet someone who embraces me in my entirety. But it's possible*.


*I'm borrowing JD's favorite quote from The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Boo!

It's been a long week. I've been tired everyday. I've lost track of time. This morning, when Matt bragged about having two Halloween parties to attend on Saturday alone, i was like, But it's not even Halloween yet! Not realizing this is the weekend before All Hallows Eve.

Denisse never got back to me about that bash in Castro. In fact it's curious that she hasn't responded to my Tuesday email.

Matt asked where "my helper" was, referring to JF.

"It's the other way around," i replied. "I'm her helper."

"But you're the smart one," said Matt.

I was more than flattered. "You really think so?"

"Oh yeah," said Matt.

Just then Clark the manager walked in. Matt notified me that Clark used to be in deep sea fishing.

"And Matt is going to be doing a different kind of fishing this weekend," winked Clark.

Matt laughed abashedly. I realized there might be some truth in that joke, and suddenly a cloud hung over me.

Tomorrow Denisse, JD and i are going to see Chicago the musical in the city. I had bought tickets months ago as a birthday present to JD. A lot has transpired, and JD and i now have this convoluted friendship... Don't even ask me to explain.

But not having anything else going on this weekend was starting to eat at me.

I felt lonely in that office. Even though i kinda enjoyed the quiet all by myself. Such is the wonderful paradox of bipolarity.

KJ of our floor staff walked in, saw that i was on the phone, and walked out. When i got off, i stood at the doorway and asked, "Did you want to ask me something?"

KJ smiled mischievously as he walked back in. He had this "i know something that you don't" look.

"A customer said to me, 'So you get to work with Miss Universe, huh?'" Said KJ. "I was like, 'What?' Then he pointed at you."

"What?!" i suppressed my bewilderment. "Are you serious?"

"I swear!" Then he crossed himself.

"When?"

"This morning."

"Huh," i contemplated on the scenario. "He hasn't been out much, has he?"

KJ laughed out loud.

Man, i love making people laugh. It's such a satisfying sensation.

So then KJ started calling me Miss Universe for the rest of the day. "That is so funny!" i'd say.

But secretly i thought to myself, i should probably stick to salads from now on to retain that title - I'm so vain. Well, the underlying sin is insecurity. But who needs to beat a dead horse.

I was following up with Clark on a matter that concerned Matt, when Clark attested that i was doing a good job.

"Matt thinks highly of you," said Clark. "And he's the most difficult to please."

That seriously appealed to my sick need to glean affection from challenging sources. I wonder what Matt's exact words were. I wonder if he went, "That V. certainly is doing a good job. And man, that ass!"

After all, i'm Miss Universe for the day. Actually, you know what? I'm not that ambitious. Miss America would've sufficed.

I actually mustered up enough strength to run a couple of errands after work, knowing i wouldn't in the next two days. JD called me when i was about done, wanting to know what the game plan was the next day.

I dreaded having to call Denisse. JD is the only one in the world i don't dread calling. Later he would share that he felt the same about me.

Denisse was in a funk, just as i'd suspected. She was a little uncertain about things, how to meet up, and all the other details. She went on to confess that she would be up and up about doing things for a while, then retreat into "i don't wanna do anything" mode.

"OMG," i wrote (we were in IM. Better than phone i say.) "I'm exactly the same!"

Then i added, "Maybe you're bipolar... I am."

She didn't respond for a long time. I thought, uh oh, maybe i should've bit my tongue. Or my finger. Whatever the analogy.

So i changed the subject and everything was fine.

She has to be bipolar, i conclude. Or at least entertained the possibility. A person who couldn't be farthest from suffering this ailment would just laugh at my suggestion.

It's okay, Denisse. I wanted to assure her. But perhaps it wasn't time yet. Or perhaps i'm on a bipolar witch hunt.

So no Halloween bash for me and Denisse. It's all for the best i guess. I've already broken some of the feathers on my mask. I hadn't known they were real feathers.

There's symbolism about life in there somewhere, i'm sure.

All In a Day's Work 2

I followed my impulse to head for the lake after work today.

Matt at work has taken it upon himself to investigate my extracurricular activities lately. Yesterday, he came in late in the day from the East Bay. I was in a rush to take off because i had an appointment to see my therapist.

I didn't want to seem rude, so i kinda talked to myself, "I have to go, I have to go..." as i put things away in a hurry.

"Big date tonight?" Inquired Matt.

"No," i said. "Just a doctor's appointment." Then i dreaded he might wonder what necessitated the visit. Thankfully, he was far more tactful than to actually pursue the subject.

Matt hung around to ask if JF and i had picked out our Halloween costumes.

"I've got a mask," i said.

Matt cracked a joke but i couldn't hear him. "Excuse me?"

He shook his head and looked down, "Nothing. I'm not gonna go there." Then he blushed.

Hmm.

The office was a pandemonium when i left. The copier had broken down.

"Have fun on your date!" Yelled Matt from the crowd.

"Date!" i snickered, too tired to explain there'd be no dates, no dates at all for a while. The stars simply weren't aligned that way.

Therapy lifted the unbearable anxiety that prevailed in the prior two days. I actually had peace when i got home, needing only one drink before bed.

But there's residual sadness alright. Lately i feel the entire world has forgotten and forsaken me. I don't get any personal email, no phone calls, no solicitation of any sort. I have recoiled into hermetic mode.

To my own surprise, i've grown more fond of and attached to JF at work. We have our girl talks and have hearty laughs at times. She has said i'm funny.

Today i took her to lunch. On our way out, Rob yelled, in the presence of all the floor staff and customers, "Have a couple of cocktails!"

JF is driving to Mexico tonight and won't be back till after Halloween. As we said goodbye at the end of the day, i hugged her and felt strangely sad.

Once again, Matt came in when i was about to call it a day. Rob had already been there, borrowing a desk to work on stuff. Noticing i was getting ready, Rob said, "Have a drink on me!" And laughed.

"You're gonna have to come along," i replied. It was just a formulated, punch-in-the-arm buddy reply.

"Are you gonna live it up, have a big night out?" Matt asked.

I don't know what this guy takes me for. It's Thursday, for crying out loud.

"No," i replied. "Just gonna head straight home. I'm really tired." I'd been tired all week.

"Gonna live it up at home?" Matt grinned.

"Maybe," i grinned too. Rob cackled in the back.

So Matt has heard i'm a drinker. Great.

"I hardly drink at home any more," said Rob. "The last time i drank was at Chili's*. They had these 16 oz. glasses..."

"Not a tube direct from the tap to your mouth?" Teased Matt.

More cackling.

Rob started asking me if i watched Grey's Anatomy. I confessed that the only things i watched were Law & Order and CSI. Just yesterday he'd asked me what kinda music i liked.

"I like Criminal Intent," said Rob. "I like Bobby."

"I just watch porn," Matt responded. "Porn, porn, porn. That's all i do."

"That's what i do too when Law & Order isn't on," i said. With a straight face. Rob laughed again.

I hate to admit, but that was the most interesting conversation i've had since JD left Monday morning.

On the way home, anxiety and regret built up. Now everybody knows i drink when i get home. Fatigue has the same effect on me as boozing, so much so that i seldom censor my speech when i'm dead tired. I started wondering if i'd made an inappropriate joke or two, and ruminating that perhaps now Matt realized i was damaged goods. But...

1) Why should i care? There's nothing going on.
2) Even if there's a remote potential for some kind of a relationship, brutal honesty is the only way to go.

Come to think of it, if someone learns that i drink myself silly and is still interested, something is probably not right in the head on their end.

After work, i followed my impulse to head for the lake near my house. I sat on a bench and took in the sun, the breeze, and the sound of running water. It was zen for five minutes. (There was not a cloud in the sky. My soul could be as clear.) I stared at the fountain, and acknowledged that each moment was unique - at each nanosecond, the water particles were in a configuration that would never be repeated in time. Just as you savor a moment, it's gone. I watched the ripples. Each of us is but a water particle.

(I've taken one too many religious studies class, haven't i.)

In a distance, there was this tree that was bright red. So bloody red it didn't belong in California. More in Vermont, i conjected. I admired it from where i was sitting, wishing i had the energy to walk the long and winding road around the lake toward it. Then i just wished i had a better camera than my Palm. Something with zoom.

I felt blessed to live so close to this lake. Next week, after Daylight Saving Time ends, the sun will have set by the time i get home. Remember this day, i told myself, before depression befalls you.

Then i decided, enough zen. It's time to go home for a drink.

*Not what he said

Inebriates Are All Around Us...

I had a serious hangover this morning. I didn't have a headache, nor was i sensitive to light and sound, but i... just... felt... stupid.

I had such a hard time concentrating even after 3 cups of coffee. I felt like i was moving in slo-mo.

Clark the manager walked in. Sometimes Clark walks in and circles about, and you never know if he really wants something, or is just taking a break from the madding crowd.

I usually ask him how his day is going and such. I'm so pleasant at work, i make myself sick.

On this particular day, Clark decided to share that he was recovering from a drinking fest the previous night.

"There's not enough coffee on Monday morning," I declared. "What's your poison?"

JF my co-departmentee started giggling. She's cute that way. She's older but childlike in some aspects. Which i like. I'm just a simpleton that way too.

Clark must've felt cornered and/or self-conscious, for he pretended he was needed out on the sales floor, and walked out. Hey, i didn't hear anyone hollering.

Oliver*, the third sales rep whom i haven't mentioned on this blog, likes to ask about weekend plans and deeds. One time, i whined about hoping not to have to work on Sat, and he asked mischievously, "Hot date?" Which cracked me up.

"Maybe," i replied with a grin.

He laughed out loud, "That's a yes!"

But i think he's uncomfortable around me at times. i'm fine with that though. The less people who wanna talk to me at work, the better.

That's probably not the right attitude. : )

So anyway, this morning, as usual, Oliver was uncomfortable with silence again, and felt obliged to ask how my weekend was, when i paid Rob a visit in their office.

"Great!" I replied. And of course i had to ask him back how his was.

All our sales reps are a little uneasy when you turn the table on them. They even avert your eyes and stuff. Which makes you wonder what they're up to all weekend. Come on, fellas, communiation is a two-way street! Do unto others what you will... Well, you catch my drift.

I don't know what possessed me to share, but i went, "I partied a little too hard, and i'm paying for it this morning."

Oliver started to laugh his signature hearty laugh, while Rob went wide-eyed in shock.

"Last night?" Oliver pursued.

I just smiled and nodded.

"Atta girl!" Exclaimed Oliver. I don't recall the last time i won his approval.

Moments later, I was getting coffee. Again. Rob ran a dolly by me, with which normally, i surmised, he would hit open the swing door to the rear warehouse open. Just then he paused at the door and whispered, "I'll be quiet, since you're hungover."

I dramatically gasped, "I never said that!!"

"That's what you were saying though," Rob said, and had this "don't worry, i understand" expression on his face. "I mean it's not acceptable to say that in the workplace."

"True," i replied.

We grinned as usual and parted ways as usual. I found his "your secret is safe with me" demeanor hilarious. I thought it was the other way around!


*Not his real name

Hofbrau Nooner

With us bipolars, life is always a case of glass half full or half empty. When i'm manic i tend to recall the moments when i enjoyed life. With simple things. And when i'm depressed, i remember all the times i tried many things with no joy.

Last night i cradled my baby nephew in my arms, hummed and rocked him gently until he stopped crying and fell asleep. He was so soft, so warm, and helpless. I felt like i was protecting him from the big bad world. I instantly felt maternal.

York II once said that, with women, the hormones for bonding and intimacy are more readily released than in men. That's why women tend to attach to sex feelings of love, and are less likely to abandon their children (unless they are extremely depressed/disturbed, of course. IMHO.)

I went to the Campbell Oktoberfest by myself today. I'd invited Kenneth the musician to come along, but he seemed busiest on weekends. You know, gigs and rehearsals and all. I don't think this is gonna work out, with this major difference between us.

Well, i'd always wanted to check out an Oktoberfest. And Campbell was just as good a town as any. So i said, heck with companionship. I'm going.

I have to say this was the first time since JD that i actually, genuinely enjoyed a festival all by myself. I was happy getting ready. Had Shakira on and danced all the way through. I didn't even care what time it was. It was a gorgeous day to be out. Probably the last chance this year to get a tan. As i leisurely strolled about historic downtown Campbell, which i'd never been, i didn't once look at my watch.

Until i sampled some bread dip. Then i realized i was hungry. Out of curiosity, i checked the time. I'd been there an hour.

So i had me a beerwurst with grilled onions. Mmmm... so good! : ) That was being adventurous, BTW. I took a chance, instead of going for a spicy Bavarian, which would be a no-brainer for me.

I saw a sign that i thought said "House of Bras". And i thought, great! I'm going in. Then, as i got closer, i saw that it was really "House of Brass". Dang.

I also passed by The American Consignment Company. Their banner read: "We accept consignments now". Hmm. Now? What were they doing before?

I made three impluse purchases today. Such are the perils of a good mood. Here's what i bought and what they compensated for respectively.

1. Chandelier pearl earrings: Fear/social anxiety
2. Mask, masquerade/carnival style, for the upcoming Halloween bash: Feelings of inadequacy
3. Olive oil/bread dip, 4-pack, baby bottles: Lack of friendship

Actually, there's probably inadequacy behind every single purchase. I mean, i don't need 3 different kinds of olive oil. Who does? (One bottle was a gift to my brother, who loves bread dip.)

And i picked up the latest issue of the Wave Magazine which featured the "Top 25 South Bay Restaurants". So i could believe i'd actually try them sometime. I always pick up this publication for the same reason: so i feel i could have a life; I could get out more.

When i was ready to leave, i'd been there for a couple of hours, petitioned for "No on Proposition 87" (or was it 86? Shit.) and seen a little guy in German costume play the accordian. I really lived it up, didn't i. *Chuckle*... I'm so proud of myself. Already sore from my workout to start with, now my legs really hurt. But in a good way.

Afterthought

JD said the card i sent him was funny. It had the audio of one of "our" favorite movie quotes, a silly one.

Since JD was severely depressed, i wonder if he:

A. Smiled.
B. Smiled on the inside.
C. : I

Lovers' Quarrel, Sans the Love

On Friday the 13th, York II called me in the evening. With the pressure of romance off, we actually had a pretty fun chat. It was always kinda tense before. And we'd run out of things to say. It'd never last for 20 minutes like this night.

Toward the end York said it was hard for him to admit, but he was feeling needy.

"Needy!" i dramatized. "You? Get out!"

He said he longed for me physically.

Tell me about it. Sometimes you just want that human touch. The warmth of another body.

I said if we continued doing this, one day he's gonna tell me he's found someone else, and won't fuck me any more. Then where would i be?

"Well if you change your mind," he said. "You know where to find me."

That actually got me thinking. And i hated that i was weak. He was kinda needy and vulnerable that night. He sounded hurt when he thought i'd already erased his number from my cell.

Later that night he sent me an email that painted a racy picture of us. I cracked up at first. He'd said earlier he'd be trying to tempt me. Then i thought, all this means little to York. It's just something to joke about.

All of a sudden i really wanted those pictures and video clips back. If you know what i mean. I felt entitled. After all, i starred in them.

So i wrote back and jokingly mentioned i needed him to burn me that CD like he'd promised.

I don't remember what it was, but his nonchalent response left me fuming. So i sublimated my hostility with an arguably inappropriate joke that suggested i'd hunt him down.

See, JD wouldn't be offended. JD would know i didn't have it in me to stalk. It's too much work. Summer stakeouts might be alright, but in the cold? No way!! (Another joke York would miss, alas.)

But York didn't know me like JD. I think he was truly scared.

He called me. I didn't answer. I was pretty shitfaced by then. He immediately called me again. So i picked up.

He expressed his displeasure. I tried to explain he didn't have to take my so-called threat seriously.

"You sound like you've had a lot to drink," he said.

"I have," i answered.

For the first time in a great while, i felt shame. I hated that he could tell i was drunk.

York had always known i liked to drink. Just not how much. In retrospect, he probably suspected, but never said anything.

Sure enough, i haven't heard from him after that night.

No CD then, i see.

Blatant Reality Check

JD sent me an email this afternoon. After 3 months of not communicating. I thought i'd never hear from him again. It was bittersweet.

JD still suffers from severe depression. I suddenly feel bad about blogging all this time about going out dancing and meeting new people and so on. Can you imagine that? I suddenly realize that back then i thought we should be depressed together. And i was never gonna break out of that box. That was gonna be so unhealthy. I had no idea.

This morning, coming home from the gym, all sore and drained again, i recalled the Saturday mornings when JD and i would walk past the gym in his building, and make jokes about working out on a Saturday morning. And here i am, making it a routine. This morning, i thought, in a parallet universe, i'd already have had a bloody mary by 11 a.m., be having lunch at Big Red Bird with JD, and going to Target after, then calling it a day.

I don't know who i am any more. Never have, as it occurs to me.

The anger i used to feel toward JD has been transferred to York II. I feel so discarded at times. Perhaps it matters not who the guy is. There's just this one colossal guy conglomerate that should adore me and never wrong me, high up on a pedestal.

My Dad once said that low self-esteem and egotism are two sides of the same coin. He was referring to me schizophrenic maternal uncle. My Dad, he's a wise man.

If you've been reading my blog you'll probably think i've let all this male attention go to my head. Or maybe i've been hallucinating, living in my own world. I promise you, i haven't lost it.

Gilbert has been harassing me at work. He's a big flirt, and JF my coworker and i never take him seriously anyway. He's is all talk. He sweet talks to everyone in a skirt (and pants too if there's a cunt underneath.)

But lately it's turned into a hassle. He's expecting a lot of attention. Given, i swear i've never, but never, encouraged him. First off, he's not my type. And i would never get involved with someone at work anyway. And he's young, and has a girlfriend. Personally, i think he has a genuine psychological problem.

Almost everyday he comes in to tell me i'm his favorite. Like i'm supposed to get down on my knees and thank heavens for that. Sometimes i'm just a little tired of his same gig over and over. Sometimes i'm just busy and not interested in his immaturity.

One day he claimed i'd hurt his feelings by ignoring him, and sulked for two days.

He'd asked for a hug in the past, and i always turned him down, trying to lighten things up with a joke. After all, i hate confrontation, and i didn't want things to become awkward with a guy i was gonna have to face day after day.

Yesterday, he came in to say goodbye to me and JF. Without consent, he pressed his cheek against mine. I almost screamed. Right before he took off, he put his arm around my waist, and commented that i had a "tight little body" and that he loved it.

I was really replused and felt violated. He had no right to touch me. I barely ever wanted a handshake.

I was determined to bring this matter to the manager's attention on Monday.

But funny thing... York II also thought i had a "tight little body" and said he loved it.

I am 15 lbs. lighter now. Back then I didn't know what he was talking about. He saw something i didn't.

JD appreciated my personality, my intelligence, and my sense of humor. To this day i would still think up a joke, and know that only JD would laugh with me. But he wasn't crazy about my physical attributes.

York wanted nothing but the physical with me, and wasn't real impressed with the rest. He was so responsive to the slightest caress. He liked that i was affectionate. The same affection was neediness with JD.

Together they would make one perfect guy.

It took me a long time to admit that my connection with neither was complete. At times it still hurts. (Me duele tanto.) I try real hard to remember it's not about me not being good enough. Sometimes it's just not a right match. I've always said, what are the chances? People are all the same, yet so different. And i try, i really try to come to terms with the idea that i may never find THAT guy. i need to be okay anyway.

Perhaps i concentrate on bonding with my nephews to assure my burial when i pass, given that i shall remain childless. It seems pretty set in stone now.

Epiphany 4

I just realized that the only two songs i have of The Carpenters on iTunes are "Top of the World" and "The End of the World".

How appropriate for a bipolar!!!

I started cracking up.

For He's a Jolly Good Fellow...

It was JD's birthday yesterday. In the parking lot, right before going in to work, i texted him. He was worth the 15¢.

I'd contemplated this weeks ahead. Heck, months. To text or not to text. I contended that everybody deserves to hear "happy birthday" on the anniversary of their entry into this world. Everybody wants to know their existence means something to someone.

And after all, i care, and i wish him well. But i feared the greeting would not be well received. He would not want to respond. And i did not expect a response. But i didn't want to cause guilt.

I decided that the bottom line was that the message came from a good place, and the universe could use more well wishes. So i hit "Send".

This is the kind of overthinking we psychotics do on a daily basis. I'm still learning to look at the big picture and do what feels right.


For a couple of days i found myself crushing on someone at work. You're gonna think it's Rob, aren't you. No, it's Matt*, another sales rep.

Matt reads like someone i would never consider if i checked out his profile online. He's quite skinny and seems feeble. Once a month he drives down to L.A. to see his kids. Three! The oldest is in college.

I was very intimidated by Matt at first. He didn't smile much, and didn't have much patience. He was exactly the type of authoritative figure that would get me stuttering.

I soon learned that he was the only sales rep who was diligent at stopping customer complaints before they even started. He was so meticulous with codes and paperwork, our department never had to run after him for missing data. It was obvious that he cared about his work. Very much. One time, he worked a word in a conversation that i meant to look up in my Webster when i got home. Of course, by 5 p.m. i'd forgotten the word.

What i'm trying to say is, dedication and intelligence always get to me.

One afternoon he was being sarcastic with me, and i actually had a semi-clever comeback for once. From then on i was determined to get on his good side. We'd have some brief, friendly chats once in a while, usually on Fridays. And he'd smile. It was great to see him smile when it felt like mission impossible.

Last week, Matt fell ill and missed work for three days. When he returned, i sincerely told him it was great to have him back. Everybody wants to be appreciated. I'm sure a lot of us don't feel appreciated nearly enough in the workplace.

A couple of days ago, Matt came in my office and i did some work for him. After having stressed for weeks, he seemed to be more relaxed somewhat. I couldn't help but remark that he never smiled any more until toward the end of the day. On his way out, he leaned back and said, "You make me smile."

"That's cool," i replied with a faint smile. As soon as he was gone, i was like, whoa. What was that?

Yesterday i was jonesing for Chinese food, so i went to a local place near work for lunch. I never actualy eat the stupid fortune cookie any more, but i sure as hell still break it in halves and read the damned fortune. It said, "You will soon be honored by someone you respect." I thought, yeah, okay.

In the afternoon, Matt called for help. He had a lot on his plate and was seriously running out of time on preparing some documents for a meeting. I had volunteered to help the day before, and of course i would step up to the plate now.

When he got back to the office, i was still working on his stuff. He then took over, saying it was alright now. We got to talkin'. I found myself trying to impress him with my vocabulary and open-mindedness.

Usually by 2:30 p.m. everyday i'm quite worn and am ready to go home, so i totally missed what led to him all of sudden saying, "You boyfriend is a very lucky man."

But depression and social awkwardness more often than not keeps me from reacting. "I don't have a boyfriend," I simply stated. "Any more."

His first reaction was, "Oh! What happened?"

I hadn't even known he'd heard i was dating. Men gossip after all??

He must've realized that question may have been inappropriate, for before i had a chance to respond, he said he was sorry to hear that.

Like reading a script i said, "Oh it's alright." Feeling compelled to explain, i added, "We were only dating for a month."

Later i would realize, by definition, York II was never my boyfriend.

Still looking down at his work, Matt mumbled, "Oh... good... at least you weren't hot and heavy for a long time..."

Inexplicably unabashed, i quipped, "Oh, we were hot and heavy. Just not for a very long time," then i started laughing. "I mean, who isn't in the first month?"

Matt laughed too, and actually turned red. I guess i caught him off guard.

Before he left, he thanked me for performing tasks that weren't in my job description.

In the next 36 hours or so i find myself thinking about Matt.

I am so predictable. Give me an object of affection whose affection is challenging to win, have him throw me a bone, and i go wagging my tail and panting. Let's not even mention that my Mom was a workaholic for 35 years.

I'm too old for crushes, i've decided.

But wasn't it uncanny that my fortune did come true after all? JD always said they'd love me at work. Even before i got a job. I'd like to think he really did have faith in me. Even when i didn't.

Last night i drank myself silly. I kinda thought JD was probably celebrating his birthday the same way. I thought about oyster on the half shelf at Left Bank**. Yum.


*Not his real name
**Its real name

Dipsomania

In my last post, i wondered if Rob was a drinker.

This morning, Rob joked with a customer about how Merry Lore*, the company we worked for, should serve tequila shots on the floor. I turned around and commented, "If that was the case, count me in!" The guys broke into boisterous laughter.

Late in the afternoon, i overheard Rob talking to Clark** the manager out in the hallway. Rob is usually pretty loud anyway so it wasn't like i was straining to listen in.

"Nothing is worse than running out of Diet Coke and..." the rest was obviously whispered.

My curiosity piqued and feeling a little frisky, i walked out to inquire, "Diet Coke and...?"

Rob whispered, "Southern Comfort. I drink Southern Comfort."

Brainwashed by the latest advertising campaign, i replied, "Aah! Soco!"

We exchanged smiles and parted ways. Within 2 minutes, Rob flitted in my office again. Rob is always flitting.

"I hope i wasn't interrupting your conversation earlier," i opened.

"No! Clark and i were just talking about how it sucks to run out of stuff when you're drinking at home," Rob said. I was all ears.

"Cuz when you're drinking," Rob went on. "You can't drive. Then you're like, dang! I'm out. You need to remember to stock up!"

I nodded in deep empathy. I never have that problem of low supply though. I know all about stocking up. In fact i'm so paranoid i always restock weeks ahead. JD used to crack jokes about this little quirk of mine.

At the end of the day i ran into Rob again in the parking lot. "Going home, Rob?" i yelled.

"Nah," he yelled back. "I'm never home. Like last night, i played racketball and got home around 10:30."

Rob, Rob. No need to overcompensate for information previously shared, okay? You're an alcoholic. I'm onto you. Mystery of the perpetually rosy cheeks officially solved.


*Not its real name
**Not his real name

Nexus

Today wasn't bad for a Monday, except i was dead tired. I had a wild weekend. It's not what you think. Well, actually, i don't know what you're thinking, so maybe it is what you think. Saturday night Denisse and i went dancing at a lounge in the Mission District. When we hadn't taken off by 10:07 p.m., i found myself thinking, "I think i'm ready for bed!" When we got to the joint, we were obviously "early". Not much was going on. As it turned out, the party didn't start till toward midnight.

To my delight, Denisse was a drinker. I was still nursing my first vodka shot when she was like, "Are you still working on that? I'm ready for my second drink." I was like, whoa, hold your horses. Who's the alcoholic here? : )

So after a couple, we were both high and chatty, of course. It was really, really nice to have someone to drink and chat with. It'd been a while.

I thought i was just gonna sit at the bar while Denisse danced the night away, but when the music started blasting and the dance floor started to get crowded (and once i'd had my third pineapple martini,) all bets were off. Fuck self-consciousness. No one was watching, and no one cared.

Denisse was quite a sensual dancer. Which was weird for me. To think that we once held hands when she was three and i was preteen. She was like the little sister i never had. I loved her to death.

And now she shakes her booty like there's no tomorrow. But hey, more power to her.

I realize we are very alike - we are both kinda repressed if not for a couple of drinks. We had ourselves some laughs all the way home. At 2 in the morning. My feet were killing me.

Having worked out Sat morning like a maniac, i was extremely sore Sunday morning. Even though Denisse's futon from grad school in Michigan and comforter from IKEA were like clouds.

After driving 52 miles home and taking a shower, it was time to have my first date with Kenneth the musician. It felt like a non-date, cos we were just gonna watch a friend of his play. And he struck me as so low-key (no pun intended) all week that i suspected he had to suffer from depression.

A one-hour thing turned into three. I hope nobody noticed that at one point i was dozing off at the performance, i was so spent. After that Kenneth and i did get to chat for a while, and toward the end i was able to make him laugh. That felt like quite an accomplishment.

And after all that, i headed over to my brother W's to see my nephews. Yep, that's plural now. It feels strange to say that. But joyfully so.

By the time i finally arrived home, which i hadn't been in 30 hours, it was almost time for bed.

(Side note: When i run around that much, i'm running from something.)


It wasn't bad for a Monday, except i was dead tired. Throughout the day a few personnel came in and proclaimed the day weird, when few things were going well.

Rob*, one of our sales reps, has always struck me as odd. He has this very pleasant demeanor, always friendly, always cheery. But in a fake way. And kinda high-strung.

A few weeks back, there was this butt-kissing luncheon for our district person's birthday, and Rob didn't go with the rest of the crowd. When i spotted him, i said, "Hey, didn't you go to lunch with them?"

He confided in me that he was not into group things that way. And plus, he didn't like Santana Row.

But all the while he had his signature nervous laugh going on, so i didn't know if i should believe every word.

Today Rob came in last to declare it doomsday. But dispite the subject, he was still laughing. I couldn't help but comment, "And yet you appear cheery."

He started going off about his "dark side", how his mother always says, beneath it all, he's not all rosy.

Ironic, i thought. As i gazed at his rosy cheeks. He'd reminded me of Santa on a few occasions.

"But i refuse to take those pills," Rob continued. "Cuz they make me feel..." Then he gestured a flatline.

Compelled to pursue, i asked, "What pills?"

"Antidepressants," he cheerfully replied.

"Has someone recommended that you take them?" i had to ask.

"Oh yeah," he responded. "I don't believe in them."

"Are you bipolar?" By then i could seem to put the pieces together.

"Yes," said Rob. He must've noticed my expression of kinship or something, for after a two-second pause, he raised his eyebrows and went, "Are you?"

For some reason, i just blurted out, "I am."

Now, i'm really bad at lying overall, but usually this is something i would think twice about divulging, especially in the work environement. I think the need to honestly connect preceded all caution and reservation. He seemed relieved too.

"Hey!" I smiled. "High five!"

We laughed, and we actually high fived.

That was a truly surreal moment.

"There are actually a lot of people who are bipolar," Rob said.

"It's not that uncommon," I added. I really hadn't known that.

But it's good to know. For a few minutes there i didn't feel so alone. And i felt like i didn't have to hide.

I wonder if Rob drinks too. That would certainly explain the Kriss Kringle resemblance.


*Not his real name

Quote 16

Don't disturb me in this state
Please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if i'm to wake
This is far more than i am equipped for

- "Purgatorying", Feast On Scraps, Alanis Morissette

Hump Day

It's Wednesday again. A week ago, York II texted me, entitling the message "hump day over". Before me, he didn’t even know this little nickname for Wednesday. Both having dirty minds, we'd winked winked at the word play again and again, as if we would never tire of the joke.

I've imagined he’ll never forget me now that we’ve humped on hump day. But of course that’s not gonna be the case. There’ll be other conquests, other legs to hump. And we all know: From the calves you can only migrate up.

Now I think perhaps it was just a simple open-and-shut case of us being both lonely. And in the beginning we were both a little giddy for having someone to fuck. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if there’s nothing wrong with that, why do i feel so lousy?

The last time i saw him, he said, “I want you to know that you are important to me.” So important that he wants to see other women instead. Yeah, that’s convincing.

I'm a little weary of men telling me how wonderful i am, but they don't wanna be with me anyway.

And the worst part? He still has three quarters of a bottle of my chardonnay in his fridge, which i’m never gonna retreive.

Toward the weekend he wrote "maybe we [could] play Scrabble or watch a movie". Which was just code for sex really. He admitted he was uncertain if the sex part was over for him.

What, weekend in sight and no date, so let's keep V. handy? Umm, newsflash, mister? It is SO over!!!!!

Confessions

Over the weekend Denisse and i talked about cooking for one. For me it's very difficult to buy a bunch of stuff ahead, and just throw some things together at the drop of a hat. I'm not creative that way. I plan ahead and buy exactly what i need. No more, no less.

Denisse runs and works out six days out of a week, works full time, and can still whip up a meal when she comes home. She can't bring herself to go grocery shopping during the week, mind you, but she sure as hell cooks.

When i ask Denisse what she makes, she always says "something simple". That's what everybody i know who cooks says. Denisse's specialty is stir fry. So was York II's. Even though, the one time he cooked for me he made tortellini. Which was uncanny cos JD used to make tortellini for me.

I confessed to Denisse that i hadn't cooked since i'd started working. I just don't know how people do it. I made plain rice this week so i could top it with pre-cooked, pre-packed meat and shellfish i'd got from the local Asian market. That was my big achievement. And packing lunch alone was taxing. I almost sighed out of relief when i was finally done, including rinsing off the cooker and utensils. That's right, two utensils were used in the process.

"So what do you do for dinner?" Denisse asked.

"Leftovers from lunch, mostly," i said. "Sometimes i skip."

"How do you do that?!" She was amazed.

"Sometimes i'm just not hungry," i replied, feeling my cheeks burn. What i really wanted to say was, "Well, i drink."

Just Another Wonderful Day

I dreaded today because it was a one-on-one training day. Well, more like two-on-two, but who gives an F. By yesterday i was convinced that my district supervisor hated me. By night i was having one of those paranoid attacks wherein i felt that nobody liked me or cared if i was dead or alive.

Last night York called. York I that is. By then i was too drunk to talk to anyone. Right before bed, i puked all the booze i'd been having back up. I guess i hadn't drunk heavily for so long (over a month) that my system couldn't handle the intake in one shot. I wrote York about it.

This morning, i thought, who wants to hear that i vomited? All this as a reflex to gain some sympathy?! I realized that, as a child, whenever i was to share an experience with a parent and all i wanted was an "Aww, there there...", i never got it. All i got would be a reprimand. Thus sharing would only make me feel worse about myself.

My Dad hasn't written in a few years now. Since my parents have got grandkids, they come first. And i can understand that. But on more than a handful of occasions, it's as if i don't count. A couple of times, i was chatting with my Mom online, when Elsie my sis-in-law came on, and my Mom was like, "Got to go! Elsie is on!" Oh-kay. This week, when Elsie and OC the baby came home from the hospital, i notified my Mom, knowing that W my brother would be too busy to write. She emailed W and cc'd me, inquiring whether his wife and kid had been released yet. I was like, Mom! Did you read my email? She wrote back, indicating that she was so keen on contacting W that she totally bypassed my email.

I still write my parents every week, something i've been doing since high school, when i was first away from them. I still write as if they give a shit about my life. It makes me feel better as long as i don't recall that my life affects them little. Or anybody, for that matter.

Yeah, so i'm 35. I'm supposed to get over this already. But i'm just starting to get to the bottom of things.

What good is psychotherapy is you can't blame your folks??

I was looking forward to group therapy again today after a two-week hiatus. Even though part of me really wanted to just head home and drink already. Alas, i had to put in some mandatory overtime at work after all, so i had to miss my group. I so needed it, i knew. But i was relieved at the same time.

And BTW my district person doesn't hate me after all. Eh, but i might change my mind again next week though.

I guess the mood stabilizer is working in general. Cos i haven't had the urge to slit my wrists. Not just yet.

Rock On

Kenneth*, a musician i met online, invited me to the Burning Man Decompression Festival today. I saw the message at 11 a.m., and the performance was gonna start at half past noon. It was all the way out in San Francisco. On a whim, I decided that it sounded like fun, downed a cheese sandwich in two minutes flat, and went to check it out.

I was really proud and excited that i was following an impulse for a change, until i passed the Page Mill Road exit on 280. This is nuts, i thought. I had no idea what to expect.

As i drove past Daly City i started to realize just how far i was travelling. Genius, i thought.

I imagined what it would be like to drive 55 miles in order to get laid.

When i got there, it was impossible to find parking nearby, even though the area was nothing but warehouses and storage units. Oh, and abandoned, condemned buildings. But you could see the ocean atop the hill on Mariposa, and there were some cool apartment buildings along 3rd.

I had to park seven blocks away and take a walk. As i neared the site, i started spotting folks in costume. Not just any ol' costumes. Real loud, look-at-me- i'm-stange stuff. I started thinking, uh oh.

When i actually arrived, the guy who stamped my hand had a green face. The place was like a giant costume party, except everyone, but everyone, was way over the top. Lots of black and lots of fluorescent hues at the same time. Outfits were ripped, meshed, furred, petticoated, sequined... Heck, there was even a car there that was sequined. Not to mention fishnet stockings, kinky boots, and short shorts. I saw devils, fairies, and genies. A couple of genies had Nike running shoes on. And let's not slight good old-fashined goth folks and hippies. What a crowd. It was all very surreal. I kept thinking, la-la land!

I finally found where Kenneth was playing, but there was nowhere to sit. I stood in the shade for a while, until this locomotive steamed up and went off, emitting this ear-piercing noise. (Yes, of course there would be a locomotive.) I caught this tough guy dressed in leather and chains covering up his ears. Ah... the weirdos are human after all. We're not that different.

I realized that i didn't even know which one onstage was Kenneth. That fact struck me as crazy. After that i wasn't inspired to hang around much longer.

On the way back, i found passers-by staring at me. Me! For crying out loud. Me in my cotton tee and denim clamdiggers. I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I was reminded of this Twilight Zone episode that portrays this society where everyone looks like a pig, snout and all. There is this one person with a human face, and he's the one that gets picked on and has trouble fitting in.

The majority does rule, i see.


*Not his real name

Revelation 17

I just had a sip of crème brûlée liqueur which i hadn't had in months. O-o-o-o-o-ohh... It was like an instant orgasm. So worth the $16.99 plus tax!

In fact, if i were to choose one carnal pleasure to be sustained for the rest of my life, i'd probably pick gustatory over sexual.

Uh oh, i hope i don't have to be careful what i wish for...

Idle tete-a-tete 4

Evanescence has a song called "Call Me When You're Sober". That just cracks me up.

BTW, Amy Lee is hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would post a pic, but i haven't been able to on Blogger in a while. Wonder why, but too lazy to go in forums to find out...

Had my first guitar lesson today. I'm glad i signed up for a mere six-week session, cos, boy, is it hard!!!! I felt really retarded. I had to really, really concentrate in order to hit the right notes. And even then, they sounded muffled for some reason, not resonant like they were supposed to.

I can't wait to practice, to annoy the heck out of my neighbors!

Autumn Day

Denisse and i spent the day together. First we strolled down University in Palo Alto, then we headed over to the Stanford Mall. Neither of us had known there were grocers there. Pumpkins were on display everywhere.

"Have you ever carved a pumpkin before?" Asked Denisse.

"Just once," I replied.

Then the chorus of "Just Once" started playing in my head. Course, a year ago was my first and only time carving a pumpkin. In fact, i carved two. One for me and one for JD. And "Just Once" was "our song".

Later in the day, we would do more grocery shopping, and as i walked down the freezer aisles, i could hear JD half-jokingly stating, "Grocery stores are cold!!"

Funny what silly things get strung together and bring back memories.

That's a Lot Of Hyphens

My cousin Denisse* who has just moved here from Minnesota has asked me to go to a bash with her on Halloween. But i'll have to dress in costume.

I've been fascinated by Halloween for years, and since i moved to the Bay Area, i've always wanted to hang out in the city at night just to have that experience at least once. But i'm not sure i'm willing to go thru all that trouble of renting a costume and stuff. Where would i even start? And i'll probably feel silly and self-conscious. And old. And out-of-place. When i wanna leave by 11 p.m. and she desires to stay till closing time (Semisonic!!). And let's face it. 11 pm. for me is highballing it.

I realize: i so want to have a life, and yet i so don't want to make an effort. It's a frigging paradox.

Denisse happens to have met this girl at work who's also from the midwest. She's this high-energy, outgoing person, while Denisse is a self-proclaimed shy girl-in-a-shell. In fact one of her many screen names is shygirl.

According to Denisse, social-butterfly-girl pushes her to get out more, and inspires her to be more gregarious. What she doesn't realize is that she in turn grants me opportunities to bust out of my normal restraints and social circles (What social circles?!!)

If an action causes a reaction and so on and so forth, perhaps it's all good karma, i tell Denisse. Perhaps the universe is a better place, i say.

Yep. All because more people are gonna be out to get drunk and stupid. Oh, but i didn't tell her that.


*Not her real name

A Little Self Pity Never Hurt Anyone...

I often jinx myself.

Yesterday, when i called to reschedule the appointment with my psychiatrist (not a first date revelation), she asked me how i was doing. "Really great," I said. And i was telling the truth. I'd been on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer, for a few weeks. I thought it was doing wonders. (Even though, if you've been reading my blog, you'll beg to differ.) For the longest time, i'd had reservations about taking meds, because if i felt better, i couldn't take credit for it. But then i sank and felt so mired that i didn't care.

Anyway, today i come crashing down. Depression sets in like fog over the Northern Californian coast. Oh, wait. I've already said that.

BTW i needed to move things around because i was due for yet another sigmoidoscopy. (Also not a first date revelation.) Ooh, fun. I get to starve myself for 24 hours, on top of which i'll need to take two doses of laxatives to shit my brains out. But I weighed looniness against a bleeding, wall-shedding colon, and decided that the latter was a more pressing matter. And i really didn't want to have to take off early from work twice in the same week. It might be frowned upon. People might start to whisper. She must be really sick!

And they wouldn't have the first clue just how sick, indeed.

Multilingualism

JF my coworker often takes the Lord's name in vain. Everyday she can be heard exclaiming, "Jeeesus!" and "Dios mio!"

This morning, in a playful mood, i repeated after her, "Dios mio!"

To which she responded, "That means 'my God'."

As if i needed tranlation. I was really tempted to reply, "Yo sé. Cuando era niña, estudiaba español. Pero puedes decir 'mon dieu', señora?"

But i didn't. i really speak neither Spanish nor French. And in actuality, it wasn't that long ago when i attempted to become multilingual. I was already not young then.

Peeve

This morning i heard on the news that, according to a new study, death rate decreases in collisions involving vehicles with side-impact airbags, regardless of vehicle size or model.

Really? It took a new study to prove that? Gee, i wonder how many dollars went into the research! I would think the more cushions you have around you when you hit something while encased in metal, the better. Isn't that sort of obvious?!

In fact, in fairyland, every car turns into marshmallow in an accident, and no one ever goes owie.

Hey kiddie kiddie 2

AC turned out to be a real angel after all. We did silly things, laughed, and bonded. It's a wonderful feeling to crack a kid up.

We had Round Table's new Pepperoni Artisan pizza whilst AC's Mom was having her tummy incised by laser so that a human being could be extracted. Elsie would later report that she smelled burnt flesh while hearing intermittent buzzing in a distance.

Nice. I think i'll stay childless.

AC finally fell asleep at a quarter to 11. My brother W got home 15 minutes later. He took a sniff and frowned, "Smells like garbage in here!" Yes, AC had been pungent for hours then. Alas, i was not equipped with the skills to change him.

Even after W changed AC, the odor wouldn't die. I stayed and chatted for half an hour anyway. And willingly so. I did not wish i had been home drinking instead.

Didn't get home till midnight. Then, with all the excitement/commotion going on, i couldn't sleep. With 5.5 hours of sleep in my tank, i still put in a smidgen of overtime at work today.

I drove over to the hospital right after work to see Elsie. She was in pretty good shape. W came by for 5 minutes to drop off dinner and then had to run off to pick up AC from daycare. Then he'd have to stay home with AC for the rest of the night.

I stayed to keep Elsie company. We talked and had such a great time, like we hadn't in ages. Like old times. It's amazing how kids change your life forever. With AC around, Elsie never really relaxes. She always keeps an eye on him. It's like she's never just herself. She's always Mom first, person second. It has to be exhausting. I feel exhausted for her.

The newborn was in the NICU due to labored breathing. But he was improving rapidly. This could be the last time Elsie and i would chat like this in a great while. I took the moment in. This is it. This is history.

I stayed a lot longer than i'd planned. She seemed glad. And I was happy to be there for her.

Last Sunday i'd written to my best friend IA about wanting to be part of something greater, wanting my existence to count somehow. I considered volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. JD and i used to laugh at this notion. As if we could muster up enough strength, and make it stick, we proclaimed.

Well perhaps i don't have to look far to make a difference. Maybe i start small. Maybe i start with the people closest to me. After all, it's a big world comprised of small parts.

Hey kiddie kiddie...

I've noticed that, when i mention sex in a post, i get a lot more visits than otherwise.

In that case, sex sex sex sex sex!

This is kinda sick, cos this piece is about my babysitting experience today. And no, no sex involved, no siree bob. Sorry to disappoint.

Elsie my sister-in-law is going in labor two days early. I have to go over to their house to babysit my nephew AC so that my brother can stay at the hospital with Elsie until later tonight.

When i got the news this morning, i totally panicked. I've never babysat AC before. Heck, i've never babysat before, period.

I take off from work early to get to their house in time for their departure.

I figured AC was gonna start bawling as soon as his parents headed out the door.

"What do i do if he doesn't stop crying?" I asked W my brother.

"Just cover your ears and let him cry," W replied.

But AC hardly even noticed they snuck out, he was so engrossed with Blue's Clues.

Which also meant that i didn't get to hug my sister-in-law goodbye like i wanted to. : (

I am really amazed by how easily entertained kids are. When they're paying attention to something, their heart and soul are in it. They couldn't be more content and at peace. Now that's living in the moment.

Five minutes into the one-on-one situation, i started having doubts. If i have to use the bathroom, and close the door behind me, will AC fret? At dinner time, how am i supposed to lure him to the table and put him in the high chair? And boy, I should've taken a kiddie CPR class!... This is a HUGE responsibility, for God's sake!

But AC couldn't be happier just watching his DVD on repeat play. I occassionally clap and dance with him, and he smiles broadly, and the whole living room brightens up.

I suppose i should stop blogging and check on the kid...

A Farewell To Arms (And Legs, And Shoulders...)

Dating always leaves me a little anxious and gaseous. And anal sex only aggravates matters.

Last night i had my last date with York II. No sex then. What a waste of black lacy underwear!

He said the word "repertoire", and then defined it in context. That would be the last time he insulted my intelligence. JD knew that i knew what repertoire meant. Well, he wouldn't remember, but there's a difference.

With York (i think i can drop the suffix now), I think, from the get-go, deep down we knew we didn't have all that much in common, and it was never gonna become a long-term thing. But still, it was sad to ultimately end it.

For a couple of weeks now i sensed that York had dwindling desires to engage in daytime activities with me. I joked that all we did was fuck. I could see that nervous smile. He was not good at hiding emotions.

I imagined confronting him about it. I imagined drawing his attention to the fact that this was going nowhere. And i couldn't live with feeling like a frigging concubine.

But i couldn't do it. I just grew resentful and restless.

When he brought up seeing other people again, i said, "If something has potential, you won't want to pursue something else. " He tried to be diplomatic about it, naming my qualities that he liked. But i cornered him.

"Basically, you need to see other people because our connection is not complete," I said.

Silence.

"Right?" I needed a concrete stance on the issue at hand.

"I guess," he answered. "If you have to put it that way."

I sighed in partial relief. "It's okay to say that," I said. I think he was bewildered by my need for brutal honesty.

I never thought i'd coin the expression "an incomplete connection". That was JD's monopoly.

But it's true. What are the chances you'll meet someone who fulfill all your needs? It's pretty rare.

He was a little disappointed that i wouldn't hang around while he continued his search. Wow. Guys really do think differently than women.

He wanted to know if we could stay friends. With someone who's been in daylight with me only once in the 45 days i've known him? Chances are not good, i'll say.

Perhaps i should thank the heavens above i didn't get more emotionally invested before things became blatantly clarified. But i had developed some feelings for him. A woman can't snuggle up, press her breasts against the hollow between someone's shoulder blades, smooch the back of his neck, take in the cool of his buttocks on her crotch, and not feel a thing. Such is the curse of the female gender. Sex always tugs on the heartstrings.

And thus hearing that speech was still not fun. Even though i felt the same way as he. Wanting someone to fall for me is all about validation. Boy do i have rejection issues to deal with .

So this morning when i woke up all i wanted to do was to go to the gym and feel some pain. Transforming emotional suffering to physical pain can be therapeutic. Beats cutting and making gastric ulcers bleed, i realize.

Even though i'd been wanting to drink since 1 a.m., i tried to remember a couple of things i'd learned in therapy. "Action precedes motivation", and "When you feel depressed, do the opposite." In other words, don't sit home all day and loop the tracks of the likes of Elliott Smith and Damien Rice.

So I went to dim sum with my brother's family. This is gonna be our last dim sum session in a while, as Elsie is giving birth to their second boy on Wednesday.

And folks, that was all i could handle. On the way home i still feel a little teary. But i refuse to cry. Perhaps it's not a loss when you can look forward to experiencing something else. Something new. Someone new. And perhaps, for a change, that someone new will be me.