Dear Diary 3

Depression sets in like fog over the Northern Californian coast, encouraging moss, mildew, and other despicable lowlives to foster and prosper.

When it rains, it pours. The new system at work is going live on October 4, and we just had our first official training session today. Everybody feels overwhelmed and stressed out. It's been 3 weeks since i've been to the gym, and 5 since i've gone grocery shopping. My bedsheets are ridiculously dingy since i've been unable to do laundry. Meanwhile, my weekly group therapy was cancelled today.

I go unraveled.

How quickly novelty wears off, i ponder. For a couple of weeks, York II called practically everyday. Sometimes more than once a day. I thought he'd make the kind of boyfriend i'd always wanted: attentive, available, affectionalte. Even though he wasn't my boyfriend yet. He'd made it very clear he wasn't ready to be someone's boyfriend.

He knew what time i got off from work, and he'd call five minutes after. Just enough time for me to use the facilities and head out to my car. How frigging considerate! One time, he wandered off campus during his only break, just to leave me a message, because he didn't get any signal on campus. Later on, I called him sweet, and he blushed.

Then the phone calls stopped.

Of course, for a depressive like myself, it's typical to start mind-reading. I prepared myself for "the talk". He's probably lost interest and doesn't wanna see me any more. Let's face it, we really aren't a very good match. A blind person would've caught on.

I mean, he doesn't even wanna IM. I have this void that cannot be filled.

I think of all the reasons why i don't wanna be with him either. But it doesn't help.

Today, after what feels like 2 months, i catch York I on Yahoo Messenger. I hardly go on anymore cos no one is ever on. I was glad to have someone to converse with for a change, but he was busy sharing his problems. I barely got a word in on my predicament.

It's a lonely, lonely world.

Yesterday i mailed back to JD the John Irving book i'd borrowed from him just a week before our last breakup. That would be the eighth. He wasn't counting.

It saddens me tremendously because i still feel JD understands me best out of every one i know. And mailing him that book was like finalizing a chapter. At last. But it felt like a weight off at the same time.

El fin, it'd say.

At least with JD the novelty factor went on for more than 3 weeks. But who was counting?