I Accept

In a matter of two days, JD went from “I care; I can’t imagine ever not talking to you” to “I was invisible cos I was busy talking to the whores on my porn site”. He thought it was funny. Marvelous. Why should i get upset? Not like this has never happened before. I’d be sitting on his couch and he’d be giggling away in his bedroom, too engrossed to get offline. Who am i to complain now? After all, he’s not my boyfriend any more.

Last night, York and i were chatting away when he went “DOOR”, then “gotta go”. He ended the session with an apology for the sudden departure. Today he sent a text message apologizing yet again, explaining it was “an unexpected visitor”. Was that really necessary? First DOOR then GOTTA GO? Duh!! Of course it was an unexpected visitor. And of course, it was his girlfriend. I see they’re at this stage where she can drop by unannounced. Great. If he’s so happy with her, what’s he doing flirting with me constantly? But who am i to complain? The guy’s got a girlfriend. I get it. I’m just a side dish, not the entrée.

Therapy has been all about acceptance and surrendering so far. I accept that i must be dope to keep going back for more. I also accept that i’m not number one on anyone’s list. They all tell me i’m witty and funny and intelligent and a joy to talk to, but they don’t love me. And that’s all i’m good for – a nice chat when they feel the hell like it, when it's convenient for them. At the end of the day i still sit on the sidelines. And that’s exactly where i’m supposed to be. You know what? Maybe i don’t wanna play your stupid game. Not no more – as Marsellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction.