This Cross I Bear

Yesterday afternoon, i caught York II on his way out to a hike. It was a gorgeous day.

"Maybe we can IM later," said York.

"Sure," i wrote back. "I'll probably be on."

Two minutes later, i logged off.

Later that night, in my drunken stupor, i drove to see JD. It's amazing how the drive still makes me sentimental.

I don't know why i always set myself up. JD has found a new friend he's engrossed by. Another quest. Another damsel in distress.

At least he has someone. Somewhat. I have nobody.

It was still nice to lie next to him, our legs entangled. Not even sexual or anything - we're way past that. But just the warmth and softness of flesh... Nothing beats that sensation. That truly is where loneliness sprouts.

This morning, before leaving for golf, JD didn't give me the usual peck on the cheek like he used to on Mondays.

Of course, he'd say he didn't want to wake me.

Of course, why should he. He's not my boyfriend.

Expectations are a bitch. They go hand in hand with disappointment.

"Desire breeds misery." That was Buddha's enlightened insight.

Instead of sleeping in, I went to hang out with my brother and his cos i didn't want to be alone yet. I became highly irritable and didn't even know why. What i thought was going to be a short luncheon turned into a half-day event. I became restless.

After all that, W and Elsie had the nerve to try to guilt me into staying for the net conference with our Mom.

"She won't even miss me," i snapped.

"Sure she does," assured Elsie.

"Is that why i email her all the time and she never writes back?" I challenged.

I'm turning 36 this year. Guilt stopped working a while back, people. Spare me. When i'm ready to go home, i'll go. Let's not put up a fight, K?

I came home to a message left by Rob who just flew to Chicago today. Last week he'd told us about his dying grandma. His Mom had already flown out to be by her bedside. I was like, "When are you going?"

"Well, not until i hear word..." Rob hesitated. "Basically i don't want to make two trips."

I totally laughed. "So you're saying you're waiting for her to die? Don't you wanna see her alive one last time?"

It was none of my beeswax, and i was just telling it like it was cos it was ridiculous to me. But somehow Rob took my reaction to heart. Yesterday he called to let me know he'd decided to take a trip out after all "because of what [i] said." And he thanked me.

I'm starting to hate his thanking me every two seconds.

Rob hangs on to my every word a little too much more than i would like. And he's been calling EVERY single day. That's just not right.

And today, he called just to let me know he made it alright. And that it was freezing out there. Did i ask?

To top it off, he concluded," So, when you get the news, give me a call."

Like hell! He should know better than that. He could've said "if you get a chance", or "if you feel like it", but no! *Buzzer*!!! Wrong prompt!

Even before he tried to make a move on me, he'd said that we have a great connection, and that people who get you are few and far between. Hmm, sounds like something i've been telling JD all along.

This is my thought lately: I guess none of it matters after all. If not liking Rob back makes me shallow, like JD deems himself, then maybe i am shallow, too. And if that makes me a bad person, then so be it.

With every day that goes by, i respect Rob a little less and grow a little more annoyed. It's not gonna happen, buster. Give it a rest. And now, world, leave me alone.