Conniption

This morning, I was so uneasy, even when Matt came in as his chattery self, I could not carry on witty banter as usual.

"I'm just gonna continue talking loudly until someone responds," Matt said, and grinned.

"That's a good strategy," I managed to smile. "I'd go with it."

I was reminded of this girl in one of my business classes last year who could never say "strategy". Instead she would say "tragedy". In my head i'd call her "Dyslexia". "Lexia" for short.

Then there's my late uncle, Phrenia.

And now i've become Noia.

I was having a better day. Rob had called JF even before i came in to work. I thought, Thank goodness i missed it.

I had relative peace on this last possible day. Tomorrow Rob comes back from his midwest excursion. I'm expecting hell.

I had relative peace on this last possible day. That is, until he called in the afternoon, just to ask, "How's the weather?"

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Of course, they again announced the call funny on the PA, stating who the caller was.

JF was out sick by this time. My head was about to explode.

What, Rob thought a day had passed, and everything was cool again? How could we ask others at work to be professional, when he himself wasn't? He'd promised not to call unless it was about work.

You wanna check in? Call me on my cell. You don't use the work line. My family doesn't even call me at work. (Well, they don't call for other reasons as well. But still.) Need to check weather? Log on to weather.com. For Pete's sake.

You wanna touch base as a friend? Call me at home. Better yet, if you really want to be a friend, DON'T call.

All this talk on worrying about my feelings. He does NOT understand the gravity of the situation. He's not here. I'm taking the shit.

Another senior person from District came in this afternoon. He happened to be in my office when JF called to see how things were going. I ran some things by her. I was sweet and loving, as i usually am with her.

I was on the phone for less than 5 minutes, and the chat was 99% about work, and when i hung up, this man, who's usually quiet and harmless, actually asked me who it was.

I told the truth. Paranoia rushed in. Has everybody heard now?

All my life i've hated confrontation. Enough! I'm sick of it. After Mr. Senior Person had left, I called the PA announcer, Remy*, in my office.

I asked if there was any reason he would identify the caller only when it was Rob.

Of course, he denied any malice. But he turned red and intimidated.

Remaining calm and reasonable, I tried to explain my reaction was due to recent snicker, without giving away too much. I scared the shit out of him anyway. He must've felt like a kid in the principal's office. He apologized.

"There's no need to apologize," i said. "I just wanted to be on the same page."

Afterwards, i wondered if i had overreacted, and if it was foolish to let them know i had been stirred. I thought about it, and you know what, i'm glad i spoke up for myself for once. I was upset, and was not afraid to show it. After all, i had the right to be upset.

Of course, tomorrow is another story. Resignation would be sweet.


*Not his real name