This Cross I Bear 2

Everybody at work has noticed that i've been down lately. I try to play it cool but i just don't have the energy. But in the name of professionalism, i have to insist that i'm fine.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Matt asked late in the day. "You've seemed distant lately."

This coming from the guy who hasn't called or emailed since our semi-pseudo date. Or sent me the pix he took of me. Because i "have such a great smile". The same guy who ma'am's me at the office.

"To you personally, or...?" i replied.

Matt shook his head. Translation: "Smart ass!"

When everybody is gone, Matt acts differently. Like always. A little warmer. A little more human and approachable. We share a couple of private jokes. I feel better.

Matt continues to be impressed by my vocabulary and ability to spell.

I hate crushes. I've only done it once, back in junior year in design school. I so desperately wanted the guy to like me, the desire drained me. I can't say the clichéd "he didn't know i existed", because he did. Which made it worse.

Not unlike now.

Again, not to beat a dead horse, but i'm pathologically drawn to unattainable love. My brain needs that misery.

On Sunday JD warned me of the perils of getting involved with someone at work. Speaking from experence. Scarring experience.

While i know he's being the voice of reason, i can't help wanting to win Matt's affection. The operative word being "win", because i alone don't deserve affection. It has to be earned with hard work.

Earlier today, Matt saw me grimacing and walking funny, and asked, "Are you in pain?"

"Yes, i am." I responded.

"Physical pain?" Asked Matt.

I wanted to say, "As opposed to emotional pain? I'm sure you don't need to know about that."

But instead i just informed him i had chronic pain.

"Just chronic pain," i smiled. "That's all."