God Taps You On The Shoulder, Then Spits

Some time ago, Matt told me that he'd made this meal of pasta with real crabmeat the night before.

Scrumptious!

We got into this discussion of how to crack open the shell on a crab leg. "Piece of cake," Matt remarked.

"You're gonna have to show me sometime," i said.

When we went to dinner just recently, Matt said he'd just made pasta again.

"I thought of you," he said.

I was really touched.

Some time ago, Matt let on that, when he vacuumed his house, he loved to make those perfect rows with slants.

"Freak," I'd thought.

A few weeks later, when he asked what i did over the weekend, i informed him that i had vacuumed.

"Did you think of me?" Matt inquired.

"I did!" I admitted unabashedly. "But i didn't have to make those perfect rows."

Isn't it nice to know someone thinks of you outside of work.

Tonight, out of sadness and sheer patheticalness, i called Matt's cell. When he didn't pick up, i didn't leave a message.

Half an hour later, he called back. Sounded like he was still on the road at 7:05 p.m.

He didn't even know it was me. Didn't recognize my number.

"Sorry i missed your call," he said in his formulated brief message.

Good thing i'd already had a pep talk with myself beforehand, unabatedly aware that i shouldn't pick up when inebriated.

So there you go. There it is. The reply that i needed to my email.

When God Closes a Door

Today my supervisor Mildred dropped in without notice, like she always does.

She hasn't had any reason to stop by in ages, since JF and i have been doing so well.

Then she dragged JF next door and closed the door behind them. Five minutes later, i started to panic. What could they be discussing?

Another five minutes flew by. I became so worried, my mind went wild with imagination, and my coccyx started to feel funny. I felt a little jittery.

They finally returned. "OK," Mildred smiled at me and said. "Your turn."

I tried to remain calm but my hands were shaky and my knees felt like jello.

Turned out that Mildred wanted to temporarily transfer me to another location to relieve someone who was gonna be on maternity leave.

"It would be good experience to have your own store and see what it's like," Mildred suggested.

"I'm there," i said.

For about 4o minutes, i was delirious with relief. Finally, no more feeling awkward around Rob. No more pining over Matt just to be reminded he's not interested. Just when i thought there was no way out, things worked out for the best.

Given, i'm sure Mildred's intentions were not pure. I'll bet the rumor never left her mind for one second.

But i was grateful just the same.

Then, the reality of the situation set in. I was sad that i wouldn't be working with JF any more. I swear, for the rest of the afternoon, she was so upset, she was near tears.

Then there's the fear of leaving the comfort of having settled in: knowing everything in your work environment; knowing what to expect. Knowing where to go for lunch.

When i first took the job i expected to work alone, and i loved the idea. I was dismayed to have to share an office. But by now i've grown so fond of JF, and our teamwork is so seamless, going out there on my own seems scary.

"It's okay," JF said. "You can fly away."

She almost made me cry. It's gonna be lonely without her.

We kept reminding ourselves that i'd be back. But i think we both knew there was no telling.

At the end of the day, I told Matt the news. His reaction was not what i had hoped for.

Nice knowing you too, Matt.

Yeah, this is for the best. But don't mind me if i'm going to shit my pants come Friday.

Sick Puppy 2

Last night i watched an episode of Friends that was close to home.

Ross' life is falling apart. His new bride is in hiding. He's on sabbatical from work due to an anger management issue.

Then they mess up his order at Central Perk. Staring down at his mug, Ross whines, "Can't anything in my life go right?"

This was why i called Pasta Pomodoro on Sunday night and asked for the manager because they couldn't understand the last item on my called-in order (my item), a fact JD didn't find out till he showed up at the joint. Given, i was tipsy. But they should've had the decency to clarify and/or ask for a phone number.

I was furious. I felt so slighted. When JD asked me to let it go, i slammed the door.

If one thing in my life should go right, it's a take-out order, damn it. Is that too much to ask? I mean, not like i'm asking for unconditional love, companionship, or profound understanding.

Maybe it's Matt's loss not to pursue a second date. Maybe i have to believe that. Many people are in worse shape than i. After all, Matt said "unrepairable" this afternoon.

"The word is 'irreparable'", i wanted to state while grinning slyly.

Turns out both are correct. See? There are no absolutes in this world. But every man is an island. And the ability to spell is only one element widening the straits between the islands.

Sublime Grime = My Supreme Self-Esteem

Depression may not be a many-splendid thing, but it sure is amazing.

Before i even stepped in my apartment this evening, i wanted to go to sleep so the day would be over. But i couldn't do that, for then tomorrow would come too soon.

I could scarcely do anything. I could barely read email. And when i did, with the aid of alcohol, i could not reply. It was all too taxing.

I wanted to email JD to thank him for getting me thru what would've been an ugly weekend. Couldn't even do that. I had obsessed for days over not scoring a second date with Matt. He'd said he'd call, but didn't. You'd think i'd be used to rejection by now.

When someone becomes an object of affection i always put him on a pedestal.

"Let's face it," I mused with JD over the weekend. (Bless his heart for being my rock.) (He'd laugh.) "Even if Matt wanted to have a relationship, i couldn't do it."

The truth can be so grim.

I remember the other week when Matt noticed me moping around and remarked that i wasn't "[my] usual happy self".

"My happy self is not 'usual'," i replied. "This is usual."

Ah, perhaps that's why i didn't get a second date. You think?

The only thing that remotely cheered me up today was reading the specials at Red Lobster. (I'm on their mailing list.) See Mediterranean Jumbo Shrimp Linguini, pictured above. In a garlic-herb butter sauce with artichokes, sautéed onions, and fresh diced tomatoes. It's divine - I know, because i just had it last Saturday. (Alone, since there's no one to dine with, mind you.) (I've heard self-pity is not attractive.) But even something that pleasurable is for a limited time only.

I'd write more, but i'm afraid i'm amply crippled.

My Very Own Independence Day

Last September, to empower myself with the knowledge that i didn't need a man in my life in order to be happy, i had my hair cut real short, and drove down to Santa Cruz one Saturday all by myself.

I discovered Seabright Beach that day. It's become my fave in this area, for it resembles Santa Monica the most.

'Tis another Saturday when i need to be reminded once more that i'm... OK. I headed down to Seabright again since the hair is still short - not much to be done there. : ) But there's always the beach.

The place was desolate when i got there. And there the trusty lighthouse still stood. Erect and defiant.

I wished that i was like that lighthouse. Well, defiant anyway. : D

I stumbled around, squinting at the UV reflection everywhere. Then, five minutes later, i heard the ocean. It was marvelous.

Funny how much effort it takes sometimes to live in the present.

After seeing a few friendly faces, human and canine, i felt better. But i couldn't help but notice everyone had company. I may still be able to pass off solitude as cute at this age. But one day soon enough, it'll just be pathetic.

And so i take a mental picture (and some digital ones, too), and savor it. Today.

Woo Hoo!

Hit the 4-digit zone!! Took less than 11 months. That's about 90 views a month, 3 views a day.* Not too shabby, ay?


*Yes, i embrace my nerdiness

Two Shakes Of Irrelevance 2

Is it me or are Sadie Frost and Kate Beckinsale practically twins?

Tribute

It's been said that human beings are gregarious. That's just nature's way to ensure procreation. Evolution at work, you see. Cos if you're isolated all the time, it's unlikely you'll get laid.

I let my iTunes library play, and Faith Hill comes on. "Just breathe..." she croons. I realized that, on every album, she has to record a duet of her and her hubby Tim McGraw.

Now, Tim McGraw is a god to us mortals, but i'm sure some evenings Faith looks over to him on the loveseat, slouching, watching a football game after dinner, picking his teeth, and can't help but feel resentment.

"How about reading our girls a bedtime story, Tim?" She would suggest, secretly fuming.

"How about producing a male heir for a change?" Tim would respond, and turn a deaf ear.

They have three girls now, you see. Apparently Tim is having trouble passing on the Y chromosome.

And yet they go on recording duets, album after album. We get it, okay? You're never gonna get divorced. And the rest of us who are wasted by 6:09 p.m. on a Friday night are nothing short of pathetic. I get it, really.

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 4

One of JD's pet peeves is when someone says "funner".

"It's not 'funner'," he'd remark with disdain. "It's 'more fun'!"

"Are you sure 'funner' is not a word?" I remember asking.

"It's not a word!" JD insisted.

So, finally, last night, i looked "funner" up. There's no such word.

I wish it were. Cos "funner" is so much more fun to say!

Sick Puppy

I called in sick today. My stomach hurt so bad, i couldn't even sit up. It was like someone had punched me 50 times. Plus nausea. I mean, i have neasea everyday, but this was worse than usual. Then there were those chills. Even under the covers i curled up like a cooked shrimp.

I thought to get dressed and go in to work anyway, but Rob was gonna be there. Just couldn't deal with that shit in my condition. I decided to stay home.

I've been so depressed this entire week, it's not even funny.

I slept all day. It's nice to have time to waste.

Elsie my sis-in-law woke me up mid afternoon. We wound up talking for 1.5 hours. I felt better. I felt like someone understood what i was going thru. I was connected.

Elsie said if i already dreaded going to work, it was time to find a new job. Perhaps it was. I felt a tinge of hopefulness.

Of course, when you feel good, you put on some muzik, and go right back to pouring yourself a drink.

I knew that Matt was golfing with clients this afternoon. So i texted him to say something clever. Something about birdies not being Tweety. OMG. He called me right back. I asked if he'd read my message.

"No, i'm not quite used to the whole text messaging thing," Matt replied.

What?!

Then we lost reception.

I went in the bathroom to throw up the Stoli Blueberi i'd had just minutes ago.

Oh, no! Not the $20-per-750 ml Stoli!

But emptying the contents of my stomach did sober me up a little. I thought, if Matt calls back, i'll sound semi-coherent.

He did call back, after half an hour.

He hadn't even known i was out sick today because he'd been out all day himself.

"Perhaps it's alcohol poisoning," he offered.

So he suspects i have a drinking problem. What does it say about him to still like me?

I told him the salmon leftovers from Saturday i had last night might've made me ill.

"It had to be bad!" Screamed Matt. "It's been a week!"

"No!" I contested. "It's only been, like, 3 days."

"Well, it feels like a week since i've seen you," Matt cracked.

So i guess seeing me at the office doesn't count. Sweet.

This Cross I Bear 2

Everybody at work has noticed that i've been down lately. I try to play it cool but i just don't have the energy. But in the name of professionalism, i have to insist that i'm fine.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Matt asked late in the day. "You've seemed distant lately."

This coming from the guy who hasn't called or emailed since our semi-pseudo date. Or sent me the pix he took of me. Because i "have such a great smile". The same guy who ma'am's me at the office.

"To you personally, or...?" i replied.

Matt shook his head. Translation: "Smart ass!"

When everybody is gone, Matt acts differently. Like always. A little warmer. A little more human and approachable. We share a couple of private jokes. I feel better.

Matt continues to be impressed by my vocabulary and ability to spell.

I hate crushes. I've only done it once, back in junior year in design school. I so desperately wanted the guy to like me, the desire drained me. I can't say the clichéd "he didn't know i existed", because he did. Which made it worse.

Not unlike now.

Again, not to beat a dead horse, but i'm pathologically drawn to unattainable love. My brain needs that misery.

On Sunday JD warned me of the perils of getting involved with someone at work. Speaking from experence. Scarring experience.

While i know he's being the voice of reason, i can't help wanting to win Matt's affection. The operative word being "win", because i alone don't deserve affection. It has to be earned with hard work.

Earlier today, Matt saw me grimacing and walking funny, and asked, "Are you in pain?"

"Yes, i am." I responded.

"Physical pain?" Asked Matt.

I wanted to say, "As opposed to emotional pain? I'm sure you don't need to know about that."

But instead i just informed him i had chronic pain.

"Just chronic pain," i smiled. "That's all."

A Case of Mistaken Identity 2

Tonight i wound up chatting with Annie*, my 20-year-old friend from community college, thinking that she was my old friend from junior high, because they bore the same name. 2 minutes into the convo, i realized something wasn't right. She was chipper and full of life.

Then i moved the cursor over her username in the main window, read the balloon and muttered, "Oops!"

I hadn't talked to her in ages. Before long, she asked about my love life. You know when someone does that, they really want to talk about theirs.

Turns out she's had cybersex and the whole shebang (pun intended) on the website JD is hooked on. And she's been dating this guy for three months now.

Aww, young love.

She wanted my advice on interracial relationships and, well, birth control. I totally blabbed as if i was speaking to a peer.

"How old are you again?" Annie inquired.

"OLD," i replied. "LOL."

She insisted to know. Young folks never take in the weight of age.

"I was fresh out of high school when you were a toddler," i wrote.

I could've said "when you were in diapers", but i backspaced, erased, and rephrased.

So, yeah, i probably ruined her life. I shoulda said something stern to the effect of "Stay in school and abstain!"

Well, everybody needs to make their own mistakes, right?

She's gonna look me up during spring break. Can't wait.


*Not her real name

Collaboration of Me & JD, Circa Midnight One Sunday

Hush little baby don’t say a word
Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird

If that mockingbird don’t sing
Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring

If that diamond ring don't shine
Papa's gonna buy you an SUV

If that SUV don't run
Papa's gonna buy you a Catholic nun

If that Catholic nun don't blow
Papa's gonna buy you a crackhead ho.

A Case of Mistaken Identity?

Somehow i wind up on a date with Matt today. Matt from work.

There goes my theory of not dating anyone from work. I guess i was only adamant when it was someone i felt zero attraction toward.

So that's two. Maybe i'll date them all. They'll sign in my yearbook, "Good luck to ya, Slut!"

Matt outside of work is actually a lot different. I guess i'm not the only one with a work persona.

He admitted later that revealing his real self was scary. "You know how i'm a dick at work," he offered.

"So how's it different now?" I retorted.

Course, i understand all about not wanting to be vulnerable. I've thought lately i never want to fall in love again, just so i won't be subject to hurt - things beyond my control.

Turns out Matt's really into nature and appreciating life. Even though he's "done lots of therapy", he's not a big drinker. Today he turned giddy after two beers. Two!

I guess we're just gonna be friends then. LOL. "Bremco brakes" all of a sudden became a tongue twister for Matt the lightweight. (Admittedly, he was cute making attempts to pronounce it.)

But he's articulate, charming, with a wicked sense of humor. And despite what he says, seems very together. I look up to his type. What's even more irresistible is that he thinks i'm smart and funny.

What took him so long to ask me out? Even though, i have to say, i'm not sure this is a real date.

At dinner, he says intimacy is being able to open up and have a real conversation. Wow. Are you sure that's not a line?

So he loves his Corvette Z06 for the performance, NOT because it's a chick magnet? Come on. I vividly remember Sam Malone of Cheers.

I don't know what to believe. Yeah, i'm cynical that way.

Matt was on my previous online dating thing a while back too. Again, would've never picked him out from reading the profile. I guess you really can't get a true sense of someone by reading their profile.

He lists a few things he digs about me. I laugh at his jokes and I make him laugh. In fact, at one point he laughed so hard he cried. And the fact that we spent the afternoon without planning ahead first.

He doesn't know that the phrase "Let's play it by ear" makes me cringe. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

This is what i realize as of late: Most men like me because i conform to their definition of an ideal mate. Think Maggie in Runaway Bride. She never knew who she was. She was putty in constant metamorphosis. That's moi. I'm still searching for myself. That's why i drink, so i don't have to keep analyzing.

In There's Something About Mary, all the men in Mary's past have trouble letting her go. The attachment is not so much for Mary per se, but for the way Mary make them feel about themselves. Mary is bright, kind, has infectious positivity, doesn't judge.

My dates in recent past come back for more because i listen to them. I listen like i mean it.

JD said his Dad liked me cos i listened sympathetically to him talk about his dogs, both of which had tumors and didn't have long to live.

So there you go. I'm Mary. Hail me, y'all.

Random Thought

Only 30 views till a 4-digit count! Woo hoo!!!

Arbitrary Contention

This is on the dash of every automobile with automatic transmission.

The other day, i looked at it, and realized that it said:

Pee Random.

Vignette

Freshman year in college. I had a foreign student from Taiwan for a roommate. Her name was Hui.

She loved these fermented bean curds with shredded chilies that looked like cheese and whey in a jar. She'd spread the coagulation on wheat toast as if it was peanut butter and jelly.

I'd wrinkle my nose. It was smelly. Pungent. Like cunt.

"Try it," Hui would say. "It's good!"

One day Hui was standing over the kitchen sink with that stuff again. "Come on," she coaxed. "What have you got to lose? Live a little!"

She pushed a button. I caved in.

I've been hooked ever since.

I remember vividly one fall day when it was just getting chilly. I came home to a sad Hui.

Holding an empty jar that used to hold those jiggety bean curds, she looked up at me with sad eyes. She shook the jar a little.

"No whey," she declared.

"Whey!" I replied, and whipped out a fresh jar from 99 Ranch, your neighborhood Asian store.

Her face lit up. She grinned.

This is my favorite college memory.

Impromptu 2

I wish i had crab cakes right now. Outback has the best! : D

Uninspired Commentary

Tonight I had the worst Chardonnay EVER. Black Oak it's called. I've never had crappy Chardonnay, by golly. My brother says you can't go wrong with Chardonnay. Apparently, that theory applies to the varieties that cost more than $5 a pop.

I'll stick to sake, pictured above. There's just something about sake. Very ritualistic. Very cool. Unfortunately i need to be in the mood for it.

These days i need stuff that goes straight to my head. Undiluted by ice. Sake will be the potion of the moment. But goshdarnit, pass me that swill they call Chardonnay anyway.

And You May Quote Me 4

Is it 7 p.m. yet? I glanced at the clock.

It's only 5:27.

It's self-contradictory. You can't wait for the day to end so you can throw in the towel and declare the misery over (for now). But you don't want tomorrow to come, either.

Quote 19

Me while i hide my head
here in this paper bag
'Cause if i can't see you then
You can't see me

...
Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like she's so tough
She says, "hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough."

... I blame these people

- "Paper Bag", Wreck of the Day, Anna Nalick

... And Goodwill Toward Man

Yesterday during Rob's short stay, i was mean to him. Like in kindergarten, to prove a point, you'd push someone in the sandbox.

JF and i chatted with Mimi*, our good friend in the district. JF made her swear not to let on that she had knowledge of the scandal i was involved in. "We'd get in trouble," JF said.

Let me get this straight: So it's OK for to create a scandal, but sinful to share truth?

Not that the truth really matters. Roxy Hart says in Chicago.

York II left me a voicemail last night. "You're a hard one to catch," he mused.

Yeah? But what did he want with me? I am very unmotivated to call back.

I see i've lost faith in the sheer goodness of humankind.

Last Sunday i watched the first episode of Grease: You're the One That I Want!, yet another audition-type reality show. Reality shows are usually not my thing, but this one amazed me.

"Why do you think you should get the part?" The interviewer would ask.

"Because i want it sooo bad!" The aspiring artiste would reply.

What kind of logic is that?

And then rejection comes along and they get all teary-eyed.

"This wasn't just for me," one said on his way out. "I did it for my Mom."

Aww, shucks.

Heed, hopefuls. Your mere ardor does not warrant desired result. That goes for the romance department as well.

Rob probably thought i was breathing life into his miserable existence, the poor sap. But the belief that someone is gonna come along and change your life is a fallacy. You gotta learn:

1) Hope can be crushing.

2) Why your existence is miserable in the first place.

Do something about it, or learn to live with it.

I've dated, gone clubbing, exercised. Just like my therapists said. And now i've accepted being a loner. Everyone is not gonna understand it. But i accept that, too.


*Not her real name

Conniption

This morning, I was so uneasy, even when Matt came in as his chattery self, I could not carry on witty banter as usual.

"I'm just gonna continue talking loudly until someone responds," Matt said, and grinned.

"That's a good strategy," I managed to smile. "I'd go with it."

I was reminded of this girl in one of my business classes last year who could never say "strategy". Instead she would say "tragedy". In my head i'd call her "Dyslexia". "Lexia" for short.

Then there's my late uncle, Phrenia.

And now i've become Noia.

I was having a better day. Rob had called JF even before i came in to work. I thought, Thank goodness i missed it.

I had relative peace on this last possible day. Tomorrow Rob comes back from his midwest excursion. I'm expecting hell.

I had relative peace on this last possible day. That is, until he called in the afternoon, just to ask, "How's the weather?"

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Of course, they again announced the call funny on the PA, stating who the caller was.

JF was out sick by this time. My head was about to explode.

What, Rob thought a day had passed, and everything was cool again? How could we ask others at work to be professional, when he himself wasn't? He'd promised not to call unless it was about work.

You wanna check in? Call me on my cell. You don't use the work line. My family doesn't even call me at work. (Well, they don't call for other reasons as well. But still.) Need to check weather? Log on to weather.com. For Pete's sake.

You wanna touch base as a friend? Call me at home. Better yet, if you really want to be a friend, DON'T call.

All this talk on worrying about my feelings. He does NOT understand the gravity of the situation. He's not here. I'm taking the shit.

Another senior person from District came in this afternoon. He happened to be in my office when JF called to see how things were going. I ran some things by her. I was sweet and loving, as i usually am with her.

I was on the phone for less than 5 minutes, and the chat was 99% about work, and when i hung up, this man, who's usually quiet and harmless, actually asked me who it was.

I told the truth. Paranoia rushed in. Has everybody heard now?

All my life i've hated confrontation. Enough! I'm sick of it. After Mr. Senior Person had left, I called the PA announcer, Remy*, in my office.

I asked if there was any reason he would identify the caller only when it was Rob.

Of course, he denied any malice. But he turned red and intimidated.

Remaining calm and reasonable, I tried to explain my reaction was due to recent snicker, without giving away too much. I scared the shit out of him anyway. He must've felt like a kid in the principal's office. He apologized.

"There's no need to apologize," i said. "I just wanted to be on the same page."

Afterwards, i wondered if i had overreacted, and if it was foolish to let them know i had been stirred. I thought about it, and you know what, i'm glad i spoke up for myself for once. I was upset, and was not afraid to show it. After all, i had the right to be upset.

Of course, tomorrow is another story. Resignation would be sweet.


*Not his real name

Turn, New Leaf, Turn

Time and again, JD half-jokingly fantasizes about moving to a desert island where nobody knows his past.

No, he's not a convicted felon on the run. And I realize a "desert island", by definition, harbors no residents (who may or may not know your past).

But if one was to wind up on a desert island, it would be nice to have cases and cases of rum, à la Pirates of the Caribbean.

I'd probably miss ice, though.

This morning, as i sat in my car in the parking lot at work, dreading to go in, hating everybody inside, i found solace in the thought of starting over in a seaport village.

À la Half Light. Sans the haunted lighthouse.

Yeah, i could dig that. Now i know what's JD has been talking about.

Let's NOT Give 'Em Something To Talk About

The worse has happened at work. I saw it coming.

With Rob always hanging out with me and JF, the boys have been teasing for over a month now. We continued going to lunch and stuff despite the juvenile joshing. Then, last Friday, right before we were gonna go out for drinks after work, JF innocently asked Rob, in public view, on the floor, "What time, Rob?"

I thought, uh oh. And sure enough, all hell broke loose.

Now, i KNOW we have nothing to hide. But that is not the point. I've come to realize guys can gossip like the best of them. Gender is not an issue, it seems. And once a rumor has started, it's near impossible to nip it.

Starting yesterday, the sales force would announce a call from Rob for me stressing on who the caller was. Usually on the PA they don't specify in that regard.

Today, you can actually hear the chuckle by both the announcer AND in the background.

But the mother is that Mildred, our boss, called JF, stating that she had concerns about our store, and that she would come in later.

Given that we could easily go a month, if not more, without having cause for her guest appearance, we scratched our heads. What could the concerns be?!

Later Mildred asked JF if she knew Rob was having a relationship with someone at our branch. I heard JF tell the truth about last Friday. We had one lousy drink. The three of us. We went our separate ways within an hour.

I was fuming. Yes, i left by 6 p.m. and headed straight for my brother's. Do i need an alibi?!

Mildred went on about company policy and how coupledom would result in transferring one of the employees to another location. "I'd hate to lose an [my job title]."

I don't remember seeing that clause in the employee handbook. And you know what, why should i give a shit, cos i'm not dating anyone at work. I DON'T DO THAT!

And what an assumption! Why me?!! JF is female, too.

And why stop at that? I go out with JF all the time. We buy each other sodas in the afternoon. Maybe WE are lovers.

I was just so enraged. I felt so misunderstood. If i thought my boss hated me before, this is certainly not helping - Kelly, Rob's ex, is one of Mildred's best gal pals.

So now everyone thinks i'm the other woman. Great.

This is exactly what i didn't want, cos i was well aware of the ramifications. And BTW, how stupid is it to assume there has to be someone else?

I am not one who craves the spotlight in the first place. The thought that there's talk behind my back didn't sit well with me at all. Plus the fact that my boss didn't confront me. I didn't even get a chance to speak for myself.

I was so upset, I got heartburn. I thought to myself, i'm gonna quit, i never want to see these people again.

It's as if i'm in elementary school again. I encounter some mean kids. I tell Mommy i never want to go back to school. Never ever again.

I try to not let it bother me. After all, i did nothing wrong.

But still i ruminate. I start to think maybe JF was testing me as well. Maybe she couldn't be sure either if there's really nothing going on with me and Rob.

I want to scream, "I'm not even attracted to the guy!"

I wonder if i would feel better or worse if it were true. I can't be sure.

But perhaps this all happened for the best. I've been hurting my pretty little head trying to figure out a way to let Rob down easy, cos i just know he's gonna want to get together again, and i'm just gonna have to turn him down. Now i can chalk it up to killing a scandal.

Quote 18

You gotta find where your home is. The color may be off, and the style's all wrong. But there it is anyway.

- Josephine Floss, Moonlight Mile*


*Disclaimer: I may be paraphrasing

Two Shakes Of Irrelevance

Is it me, or are Dominic Purcell of Prison Break and George Eads of CSI practically twins?


Source: IMDB.com

This Cross I Bear

Yesterday afternoon, i caught York II on his way out to a hike. It was a gorgeous day.

"Maybe we can IM later," said York.

"Sure," i wrote back. "I'll probably be on."

Two minutes later, i logged off.

Later that night, in my drunken stupor, i drove to see JD. It's amazing how the drive still makes me sentimental.

I don't know why i always set myself up. JD has found a new friend he's engrossed by. Another quest. Another damsel in distress.

At least he has someone. Somewhat. I have nobody.

It was still nice to lie next to him, our legs entangled. Not even sexual or anything - we're way past that. But just the warmth and softness of flesh... Nothing beats that sensation. That truly is where loneliness sprouts.

This morning, before leaving for golf, JD didn't give me the usual peck on the cheek like he used to on Mondays.

Of course, he'd say he didn't want to wake me.

Of course, why should he. He's not my boyfriend.

Expectations are a bitch. They go hand in hand with disappointment.

"Desire breeds misery." That was Buddha's enlightened insight.

Instead of sleeping in, I went to hang out with my brother and his cos i didn't want to be alone yet. I became highly irritable and didn't even know why. What i thought was going to be a short luncheon turned into a half-day event. I became restless.

After all that, W and Elsie had the nerve to try to guilt me into staying for the net conference with our Mom.

"She won't even miss me," i snapped.

"Sure she does," assured Elsie.

"Is that why i email her all the time and she never writes back?" I challenged.

I'm turning 36 this year. Guilt stopped working a while back, people. Spare me. When i'm ready to go home, i'll go. Let's not put up a fight, K?

I came home to a message left by Rob who just flew to Chicago today. Last week he'd told us about his dying grandma. His Mom had already flown out to be by her bedside. I was like, "When are you going?"

"Well, not until i hear word..." Rob hesitated. "Basically i don't want to make two trips."

I totally laughed. "So you're saying you're waiting for her to die? Don't you wanna see her alive one last time?"

It was none of my beeswax, and i was just telling it like it was cos it was ridiculous to me. But somehow Rob took my reaction to heart. Yesterday he called to let me know he'd decided to take a trip out after all "because of what [i] said." And he thanked me.

I'm starting to hate his thanking me every two seconds.

Rob hangs on to my every word a little too much more than i would like. And he's been calling EVERY single day. That's just not right.

And today, he called just to let me know he made it alright. And that it was freezing out there. Did i ask?

To top it off, he concluded," So, when you get the news, give me a call."

Like hell! He should know better than that. He could've said "if you get a chance", or "if you feel like it", but no! *Buzzer*!!! Wrong prompt!

Even before he tried to make a move on me, he'd said that we have a great connection, and that people who get you are few and far between. Hmm, sounds like something i've been telling JD all along.

This is my thought lately: I guess none of it matters after all. If not liking Rob back makes me shallow, like JD deems himself, then maybe i am shallow, too. And if that makes me a bad person, then so be it.

With every day that goes by, i respect Rob a little less and grow a little more annoyed. It's not gonna happen, buster. Give it a rest. And now, world, leave me alone.

Babies Rule

When my nephew OC was born last October, i didn't think i would ever feel about him the way i did AC, OC's older brother. Newborn OC was not as good-looking as infant AC, and had various health issues which prompted him to cry mysteriously at times.

Last night i looked into OC's eyes during one of his crying fits. The noise became a sound with which the little boy communicated helplessly. And he looked right back at me.

I pecked him on the cheek. Those chubby cheeks!!

When a new kid enters your life, your love is not shared by that addition. It grows.

I guess this is the closest i would come to know how it feels to be a parent.

My brother W is known to say, "Babies have to be cute! It's nature's way to prevent abandonment. You take one look at their faces and keep feeding them and wiping their asses."

Some parents believe their kids make them better people. It must be true.

And You May Quote Me 3

Like it or not, every encounter leaves you beyond recognition. Even to yourself.

Some Days It Doesn't Take Much

For Christmas Denisse gave me this scented oil warmer. Now i'm totally hooked. My apartment smells incredibly divine, AND it's so pretty to look at. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Tonight, as i finally watch Godfather III and steal a glance at my aroma stand every now and then, i experience true happiness - something that hasn't happened for me in quite a while.

"What if JD moves to Miami?" My inner devil asks.

"I'll be okay," i replied.

Impromptu

I wish i had maple-glazed Canadian bacon right now... : P

On This First Day of 2007

4 days before New Year's, Denisse had made it clear that she didn't want to sit at home "like a dork". Even though i could totally imagine being a homebody on this blessed night - after all, it is just another night - i'd feel bad if Denisse couldn't realize her wish on my account. She's been there for me in the past; i don't turn my back on someone who's been good to me in their time of need.

But i couldn't lie either. When we IM'd in the afternoon of the last day of 2006, i whined, "I so don't wanna change and dress nice... Doesn't feel like an evening to celebrate..."

"C'mon," typed Denisse. "We can pretend, can't we?"

We went back to the place with the stripper pole. In stark contrast to the last time we were there with JD, the place was hopping now. We almost didn't get in due to their 150-person capacity and an imminent fire inspection. When we were standing in line out in the cold, seeing fire trucks and police cars zoom by, Denisse said, "I just want in!"

"Yeah," i concurred. "I need my first drink to get me going!" (Of course, it wouldn't be my first drink. I had shared a bottled of aperitif wine with W my brother earlier.)

She laughed, "I know!"

"So... what did you do last year?" She asked later.

"I spent it with JD," i replied. "We drank ourselves silly... And watched a lot of DVD's."

I'm sure she was sorry she had asked. Haha.

Thank goodness, they managed to make room. The tiny joint was extremely crowded. It'd take 10 minutes just to get a drink. And you'd have to be on full alert to get the bartend's attention - they were tremendously understaffed. You snooze, you lose. And you'd need to time yourself: When your glass is half full, you best get back in line again, before you run out.

I saw all these attractive, giddy people, and i thought, what are they so happy about?

Took two eight-dollar drinks before i even began to loosen up. And then i didn't care that i didn't belong.

In a span of two hours, i caught a whiff of the following on different occasions:

a) burp
b) fart
c) someone who desperately needed deodorant. In the ladies' room.

And, last but not least:

d) oxidized menstrual blood. By the bar.

My olfactory sense is seldom that keen. That was uncanny. I couldn't help but crack a joke in protest, "Like, use a tampon, not a pad!"

Denisse didn't share my sense of humor. Oops, she probably prefers pads.

The countdown was a blur. I felt sad there was no one to kiss at midnight. At least they handed out free champagne. Well, not exactly free, considering there was cover. And the bubbly, despite the Moët & Chandon glasses, tasted like swill. But Denisse and i sure looked happy in our self-portrait, champagne glasses in hand.

I don't know how she does it, two drinks and a coat, AND she whips out her camera and takes pictures with it.

I feel that Denisse genuinely likes me at times. Why else would she want to commemorate moments with me? I make her laugh. It's a good feeling when that happens. But she probably won't hang out with me forever. People change. Life is ever-changing.

Today Denisse and i had lunch with my brother's family. She seemed sincerely enthralled by my nephew AC. That's when you know someone has a good heart. Due to our luncheon arrangement, i had to hang out at her place for a couple more hours than previously planned. She didn't seem to mind at all. As a matter of fact, she seemed to remarkably enjoy my company.

I spotted a 100-proof version of SoCo, Rob's favorite drink, at BevMo yesterday. Impressed, i texted Rob, to share a moment of camaraderie. He called me right back. I was on my way out but i took the call anyway. Soon it became obvious that he hadn't read my text.

I don't think he gets the concept of text messaging. It's just a glimpse of a fleeting moment. You DON'T have to talk.

This morning Denisse and i talked about the weather, given that it was a beautiful day today. She informed me that the sun had peeked out in her hood yesterday.

"Not in my area," i said. "It was yucky. Cloudy all day in Sunnyvale. Ironic, isn't it?"

She didn't laugh.

When JD called tonight, i realized yet again that no one gets me quite like he does. This is bad.