Zero Sum

So i was sitting here, feeling bored. Thinking, Oooh, god... the depression!!!... The humanity!!

And nothing was gonna make me happy. Antsy but couldn't do a thing. Didn't want to blog. Which was exactly how i knew i should.

Depression moves in like a fog bank again. (I've used this simile only twice.) You'd be amazed how many guys still contact you even when your profile says "drink regularly" or "drink daily".

A couple nights ago i was bored and desperate and chatted with this guy who initiated contact. Before long it was obvious he was a drinker. Trust me, i can sniff one from a mile away. Upon learning i was having a drink myself, he was like, "Let's meet now!" I was like, What? Are you crazy? And rolled my eyes.

So of course last night i was bored and desperate and drunk. A lethal combo. So i chatted with the alchie again. I got so shitfaced i don't recall much of the conversation, only that it wasn't riveting. Again, the guy was totally psyched about meeting me. Like, hello?? Why would anybody self-respecting want anything to do with an alcoholic??!! So i went off on accusing him of being an alcoholic, but he kept denying, all the while going "lol". I don't think i let up for like 5 minutes. I was like, "Admit it!" OMG kinda hilarious in retrospect.

So here lies the dilemma. I think i want someone who accepts me the way i am, which is why i don't lie in my profile(s). But when someone has no reservations about the posted me, i'm all, "What is wrong with you for not finding me flawed??" Which means i shouldn't even be looking, period. This is all so messed up.

Which was probably why depression ensued tonight.

So by now Denisse knows i've been married before (a secret! Shhhh...). She searched for my profile! That silly girl. Which also means that she must've seen the "drink daily" statement.

This evening during our usual end-of-day email exchange, i explained my aforementioned dilemma. "I just know two alcoholics together just doesn't work," i wrote. Then i went on to say it's so good i don't need to hide my depression from her when it hits. Depression will lift - that's the good thing about being bipolar.

Typical of family, she responded to neither the alcoholism nor depression. Just happy notions all around.

Not her, too... Why can't they understand? By not acknowledging our ailments, they make them unspeakable.

Overheard In the Little Girls' Room @ Mayflower, Milpitas, CA

Happy birthday to me
I'm a hundred and three
I'm still going to preschool
And i want my Mommy

My Mommy's at work
She just fired a jerk
And she hired a monkey
To do my homework

Playing Catch-Up

It worries me when i haven't blogged in a while and become totally stricken with writer's block. If i don't have writing going for me i truly and utterly have nothing.

One thing i learned in my creative writing class is that when feeling uninspired, start writing anyway. It'll be like opening floodgates.

(Baby Tomato is falling behind... Papa Tomato says, "Ketchup!")*

It was an eventful, semi-adventurous long weekend. Took BART by myself for the first time. The train broke down. Had to switch. Took wrong train. Had to reswitch. All breathtaking stuff.

Isn't it a Buddhist saying, "It doesn't matter how long it takes you to a destination, as long as you get there"? Or something like that?

My Aunt Mae was visiting from Minnesota, serving as a good distraction that i didn't know i needed. Aunt Mae and Denisse and i were out and about for as long as the sun was, or so it felt like. Aunt Mae was especially appreciative of the diverse cuisines out here. The three of us ate like hogs.

Sunday at dim sum brunch, i turned to Aunt Mae and said, "I've probably put on five pounds this weekend."

"That's probably true," replied Aunt Mae.

I laughed. I always love candor.

My Sunday date was the weirdest ever. The guy was the angriest, unhappiest person i'd ever met. And he didn't hide his bitterness, either. I was bemused. Most people save this negativity till, i don't know, the third date? LOL. However, strangely enough, a part of me related to him. And we did have a good talk. I made him laugh a couple of times.

At the end i gave him a hug goodbye. It just felt right. Kinda like, "There, there, i know you've been in pain most of your life. And i understand." I think he was surprised, but not averse. We both knew there was no romance there. But in a way our exchange had been pleasant, and more comfortable than most other dates. So that was cool.

And knowing there are unhappier people than myself out in the world always brightens my day. LOL.

He may be cynical, but had the decency to email me the same night to let me know where things stood. Which makes him a far better person than those evasive jerks many women encounter. He called me "down-to-earth". Only the 18th time i've been called that since i've been dating avidly (LOL). Which makes the term officially the crown jewel of my tagline on any dating site from this point on.

So i've signed myself back up on Loser Central aka the dating scene. It was exciting for about 18 minutes. Then it's like, Why am i doing this again?

The girlfriend front ain't going well either. 3 of the 4 gals from Craig's List have dropped off the radar.

Meanwhile, my last spinster friend is getting married on December 31. Bet she's not a virgin any more, either.

This afternoon i had to call my old store, and Rob answered. It still made me uneasy. To make matters worse, Matt said hi in the background. It still smarted. I said hi back mechanically. Then felt profoundly void after i hung up.

On the way to pick up my meds after work, i played the songs JD and i used to sing along to. You know, our songs. We had quite a few. I hadn't been able to listen to them in a few months now. I knew it was unadvisable. But having a lump in my throat felt so good.

Earlier this evening Denisse asked what i was up to tonight. I informed her i was not in my happiest mode.

"Have a glass of wine!" She cheerily suggested.

Really? She still hasn't suspected i'm an alcoholic?!! Are you for reals?!? I was already nursing a glass of Pig's Nose when i read that. After having had two servings of organic sake by Sho Chiku Bai.

Funny how happiness is always transient for someone like me. It's because the cause of happiness is transient. If Aunt Mae lived here i'd be giddy none too much** hanging around.

But life is transient. Why can't i cherish every moment, and be giddy?


*A Pulp Fiction reference
**Another Pulp Fiction reference

A Nomad's Oasis

Yesterday while i was out with Denisse and her Mom we walked by Johnny Foley's on O'Farrell. There was a handwritten sign out by the door: "We have the best Bloody Marys ever!!!"

I was instantly consumed by this urge to swerve and magically disappear into the joint while my companions kept on their journey... You know, just to evaluate the validity of Foley's lofty claim...

Sublimation

I may have a date on Sunday. The guy is totally not my type. Not that i have a type... Well, not ONE anyway.

But he sounds like fun, and we seem to have a few things in common. So what the hell. Don't judge a book by its cover, blah blah blah. That's right. Judge after you've opened it.

And i'm always a sucka for someone who says they like my smile. I caught his eye, he said.

Then of course phobia sank in this evening and i had to stop the hyperventilation with some plum wine.

Starting mid-day i mysteriously have not been able to get Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For" out of my head.

Take a chance you stupid ho

Yeah. Subtle. I know.

Unwell

This morning i woke up extremely tired and majorly sick with a slew of symptoms.

... It's called a hangover.

I got up anyway and started getting ready for work. As i sat on my bed half naked with my taupe bra resting beside me, I pondered what to put on.

Disgust rushed in. What does it matter what i wear, when my work doesn't matter? It all became very pointless, going in to work, day after day.

I just wanted to go back to bed. I called in sick. No one is even gonna miss me.

I bet if i never showed up again no one would miss me either.

I'm reminded of this silly Mel Gibson movie What Women Want. There's this unhappy mousy chick who's been contemplating suicide. She thinks to herself she's so insignificant and invisible, nobody is even gonna notice when she stops coming in to work.

Stepping in the shower hours later, i finally understood what JD referred to as being "still drunk the next day". I used to be bewildered by the concept. How could that be? Apparently it's possible to ingest so much toxin it cannot be metabolized in 12 hours.

The day did not go to waste though. I started my online traffic school course for the speeding ticket i got in March. After completing 23% of the course (somebody doesn't know the art of being succinct!), i became bored to tears and decided this was cruel and unusual punishment. So i headed over to the couch to watch some House while munching on nori maki arare. (Wasabi-flavored, of course.) This is the life!

Earlier in the day i'd managed to IM with Elsie my sis-in-law. I explained I was experiencing "flu-like symptoms" today. "And i just really didn't wanna go to work," i added.

"That's a sign it's time to look for a new job," she replied.

"I know... But I've been having chronic depression in the past two months," i typed. "So i'm sure it's not all job-related."

"I'm guessing you don't feel like getting out of the house," she said. Oh, cuz she was gonna ask me to lunch.

"No," i said. "Not today."

Then she moved right on to the next topic.

Wow. My family really does not take my condition seriously.

A few minutes later she logged off without saying bye and never came back on. My brother was on all day and never said a word. My family, ladies and gentlemen. They're the kind of folks who, when identifying a body at the morgue as next of kin, would be stunned. "I never saw it coming," they'd say.

And they wonder why i hide at times. Might as well be talking to a wall.

In the aforementioned Mel Gibson movie, his character happens to be able to hear Mousy Girl's thoughts, and saves her. Thank goodness no one hears my thoughts.

Quote 36

Grant me serenity with the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

- Al-Anon

Quote 35

Look who's alone
now. It's not
Me.
It's not me.

- "Wisemen", Back To Bedlam, James Blunt

Parable

Bought fresh flowers for myself for the first time since i've been living alone. Come to think of it, for the first time in my life. I chose two bouquets that were aesthetically compatible, and also compatible in personalities - theirs, and mine.

Never been good at taking care of cut flowers, or any plant life for that matter. And suck at dealing with their demise. Go figure.

Today transporting the fresh cuts to water and half-assed-ly arranging them literally caused an anxiety attack. My God they're not fish, V.

I felt i had to nurse them back to health pronto so their beauty could last a while. Yet i managed to forget to pour in the packet of flower food. AND was too lazy to cut the stems diagonally.

There's a parallel to my life. I want it to be beautiful, for beauty will be brief - "Death will come soon to hush us along." Yet i do NOT do my best to create or sustain beauty in life.

And You May Quote Me 9

Why do we quote? Could be because we feel inspired. Or could be we don't have anything original to say.

Quote 34

Life has been siphoned dry out of my veins.

- "Shoulda", Extreme Behavior, Hinder

Quote 33

Boy:
I can't live without you.

Girl:
Then why aren't you dead yet?

- Angry Little Girls

Is It Me Or...

... does the expiration date say this soda is gonna stay fresh for 1,000 years?

Quote 32

- Off Telegraph, Berkeley, California

Sweet & Sour

This morning i saw that 22-year-old Riley* had texted me at 1 a.m. to ask what i was doing.

Aww... he was lonely on a Friday night. He's not a bad person.

I replied saying i was asleep at 1 a.m. He texted back later: "Whoz thz"

Oh, very mature. He's only texted me 537 times this week. Not to mention having sent 2 pornographic animated gifs even after our "falling out", asking my opinion. Nice try. Not unless you have dissociative personality disorder, Riley.

Wouldn't be the first for me either.

So Riley doesn't like rejection. Who does? Now he's passive-aggressive cuz he anticipated to get laid and didn't. It's a world of disappointment, kiddo. Welcome.

Take it easy... Pent-up anger leads to one's first psychotic break.

Wow. I am older and wiser.


*Not his realy name

Quote 31

I live by the uncertainty principal. By observing a phenomenon, you change its very nature.

- Grissom, CSI

It's Friday. Do You Know Where Your Guilt Is?

Yesterday i had one of the most peaceful days ever. I wasn't hung up on anyone, or anything. It was awesome. I couldn't remember the last time i'd felt that liberated.

There'd been a two-day miniature disaster with a 22-year-old. He was all intense. Texted me like 15 times a day. Couldn't wait to hook up. Said he thought about me all day. I had my reservations, even though, typical of me, i was quite giddy with the attention.

You'd think i would know at my ripe old age it was only sex on the kid's mind. Big shocker, right?

So of course, 48 hours later, reality hit the both of us. I was never gonna be a just-sex kinda gal. And he turned a cold shoulder after realizing nothing was gonna happen.

I went through rejection woes, as i always do. I even felt too ashamed to tell anyone. Except JD. Cuz JD has been there. He laughs with me.

I recall how JD used to say it's different with women when it comes to sex. If a woman makes it known she's available for sex, no strings attached, men will flock like flies to doodie (OK, that's my analogy).

That's when i had my moment of clarity. I could've had the 22-year-old. And what would that have proven? Only that i could've had sex. Doesn't mean i'm a better person. Or worse. Doesn't get me love.

And that's who i am. I still need love. And i'm not gonna settle.

All of a sudden i forgave everyone who i had perceived to have hurt me, let me down, whatever.

And it was a glorious day. I wrote JD cuz he's my best bud no matter what... And i didn't even worry if i was burdening him, or if it was a bad time. All in its good time. If he wasn't ready he would read it at a later time. Or never. Why should i worry?

The 22-year-old proved that everything does happen for a reason. I had to sink real low to see some light again.

Since i was having a good run, i looked on Craig's List again for platonic w4w possibilities. I wrote to 4 women in hopes of friendship. At 8:45 p.m. i couldn't keep my eyes open and had a much needed sleep fest. Wasn't even morbidly intoxicated which was refreshing.

It's true attitude is everything. When you feel good about yourself, you can't help but exude confidence. And others feel it and bounce off it.

Should be a no-brainer. But doesn't happen for some of us as often as we'd like.

Finally, in the past 36 hours, since my transfer to the new store in February, i feel liked.

Could be all in my head, since it's all perception. But i'll enjoy it while it lasts.

There are two Dereks at my store. Matt would ask without making eye contact, "How are the two Dereks?" As if he'd be kicking himself if i made a better connection with one of the Dereks.

While i've been practically throwing myself at him all this time! But i'm over that... I even returned his call yesterday. Just cuz it's goodwill to say hi back when someone says it first.

So i've been friendly with Derek II. What can i say, i'm personable. I realize we have nothing in common, but we sure have some laughs. He's always cheery and his weekends are always chockful of outdoorsy activities. And i've felt i have to be this active, outgoing person with him. So i stress on whatever i may have going.

There's no question that both Dereks are pleased with my work. Sometimes i impress Derek II with customer care or senseless anecdotes, and he'll crack up and go, "I like you!"

I never thought anything of it. I mean it's like "I like your thinking!", or "You're funny!"

But he's been saying that a lot lately. Almost everyday. And now that i think about it, he often askes about my weekend plans, asking if i have a "hot date".

I just chuckle. I never take those sentiments seriously, given my self-esteem issue.

Cuz I feel safe with him. I don't have to impress him. He has a live-in girlfriend he's been with forever. They're not married, but he wears a ring. He files his taxes joint, for crying out loud.

I don't get self-conscious around guys who are taken.

So this afternoon all of a sudden he confides in me that he and his girlfriend are on their last ropes. I don't even recall what brought that on.

So, knowing me, i'm a sucka when it comes to someone needing compassion. I felt special.

I asked him about having a support system, "Who do you have to talk to?"

"You," he replied, not making eye contact.

Uh oh. I'm reminded of the mess with Rob only 4 months ago... You so good with my customers >>> You listen to my gripes >>> I'm in love with you!

I don't need another rumor of me breaking up someone's long-term relationship. I don't want to be transferred again!

Today Derek was all raving about me with a customer, just like Matt used to do. A customer would be sitting in Matt's office and he'd be like, "There she is now. She's awesome!" And he'd turn to me and go, "You're awesome!" My cheeks would burn like i was in 5th grade again.

Derek's customer replied, "Don't let it go to her head." Maybe it has.

At the end of the day i helped Derek II with a report he couldn't figure out. He was like, "You're amazing! I owe you lunch for that...", to which again I chuckled. Later on he stepped in briefly to say, "Can you fix other areas in my life too? Can you come home with me?" And quickly turned around.

A sucka for neediness, i yelled back on impluse, "We could have a drink!"

"That would get me in more trouble!" He yelled back.

So i thought, okay, no drinks. What was i thinking? Bad idea.

But he started it. It was such a lazy afternoon he'd said we should just head over to Starbucks. And i'd had some time to sit and think, "Coffee? Gimme cocktails!"

Before i took off i stopped at his office to say "have a good weekend".

"I'll try," he replied with a sad face.

I was instantly affected. I left him my number, "If you need to talk."

"I was gonna ask," he replied. "But wasn't sure if it was okay."

"Of course it is," i said. "We're friends."

Oh, great. I'm gonna be transferred again soon.

Tonight, all 4 females off Craig's List have written back. I had an anxiety attack at first. It was like a job interview of sorts. How do you describe yourself in 1,000 words or less? You can't.

But then i realize this is so much better than with men. I can be myself. I don't need to cater to anyone. Breathe... It's gonna be okay.

A Friendship That Keeps On Giving

Just now I turned off the sound on my cell, as i do every night before going to bed.

Tonight, in my head i heard JD, "In case Matt calls?" *Chuckle, chuckle*

And it made me smile.

Where I Wear My Watch

Some cutter is gonna take one look at this and go, "Pppbbt! Big deal!"

That's right, i'm no cutter. I'm a poker. If i graduate, you'll be the first to know.

Quote 30

i hold my
Breath
and
Disappear inside
myself

- "Breaking My Heart", Strange & Beautiful, Aqualung

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 8

We don't have a janitorial service at work. Unfortunate staff members get picked for trash duties. Sometimes an individual doesn't dispose of my flattened boxes.

Just so there'd be no confusion, i wrote Dump Me on the to-be-discarded today.

I looked at it, and it struck me as funny. I hope i made someone laugh today.

Dump Me. That must've been what said on my forehead in the past 3 years.

Good Times

On Saturday i finally saw my brother's family after what must've been a month. It's kinda like calling after a date. The longer you have waited, the more awkward it becomes, and the more difficult it is to take action, because you're riddled with so much guilt and you feel obliged to explain why it's been so long...

My nephew AC ran to hug me, unable to wipe the smile off his face, making it all worth it, and rendering all rationalizing nonsensical.

And on Sunday, after what must've been months, i joined in on Skype conferencing with Mom.

I was just waiting for it to hit me that it was all a big mistake.

Mom caught me on webcam with AC, and asked W my brother, "Oh, V. is there too?"

Affirmative, W replied.

"Oh," was my Mom's response. No "Oh, how nice of you to join us", or "What a pleasant surprise", or even a simple "Hey, you there!"

Yeah, glad to see you, too, Ma.

Second thing on her mind: "Why's V. wearing a long skirt?"

The three of us looked at each other off camera, perplexed. What kind of question is that? And, what does it matter?!!

In my defense, it wasn't even long. It was below-the-knee, Boho, and distressed. It was all the rage a couple of seasons ago.

We diverted Mom's attention cuz we simply did not know what to say. Before long, she repeated the question.

As opposed to what? A mini? Pants? Capris? Clamdiggers? What?!

It's one of my roles to make my nephews laugh in front of the live cam. While Elsie held AC, i made faces and "threatened" to tickle him in a teasing manner. Works every time.

Mom couldn't get over how wildly AC was cracking up. W gave me credit by explaining what i was doing behind the scene.

"V.'s making him laugh?" She asked with doubt in her voice. "No, Elsie is tickling him, isn't she?"

"No," answered W. "It's V."

"It's V.?" My Mom remained skeptical. Once again she insisted it had to be Elsie doing the trick.

OMG! All of a sudden i was reminded of why i had such a distaste for these convos with Mom. And why it's no wonder i have no sense of my intrinsic value as a person, having grown up with this little parental faith. She wouldn't even hide it, for crying out loud. I was right there! I mean, how incompetent must she think i am?!

Afterwards i bitched about the experience with Elsie for about 20 seconds. W grunted, "She's just concerned."

"Concerned about what?" I almost couldn't keep my voice down. Concerned that i might be an imbecile in a long skirt incapable of inducing humor?

Thank God Elsie is finally done with breastfeeding for good. We shared some Porto (Portuguese for "Port", a far cry from English) after the verbal exchange, and all was good in the world again. Quality time with family rocks!

You Know You're Severely Depressed When...

... you wake up and the first thing you do is cry.

Well, not exactly. I woke up at 4. Started having racing thoughts. Got upset. Couldn't go back to sleep. Watched 3 hours of House on DVD. Pondered upon the fact that today is my brother W's birthday. How we played in our grandma's living room when we were little. How happy i was. How i didn't realize then he was my best friend. And i wish there was a way i didn't have to see him today. To celebrate the day he was born.

THEN i cried.

Quote 29

I'm holding on by letting go of you.

- "Straitjacket Feeling", The All-American Rejects

Split Screen

It's 6:47 p.m.

Denisse is having marinated chicken with veggies and rice on her coffee table in front of the TV.

I'm having blended malt on the rocks with Live's remake of "I Walk the Line" on repeat play.

Stark. Don't you think?

Food For Thought 2

The Quizno's logo is in red and green. Why? Because it's Italian?... Or because it's Christmas?

You There

Hey, you think Xanga is short for "It's Anger"?

Quote 28

I find myself alone when each day is through.

- "I Walk the Line", Johnny Cash

You Know You're Drunk When...

... you think you can't find "i" on the keyboard. Freudian, i'm sure.

One At a Time I Can Handle, But...

... hungover AND sleep-deprived... This is so not cool a combination : (

Is It Just Me?

... or, if you have the TV on mute, and have music on too, any footage will seem a perfect music video?

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie

I've been having some major food issues this week. Pure, unbridled obsession. To the point of hearburn-inducing anxiety.

Today i had a nice intellectual chat on the subject with Denisse, who isn't immune either. Nowadays most women do have an unhealthy relationship with food to some degree.

Issue with control? Check.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Check.

Low self-esteem and insecurities? Check.

Just as with all other disorders, it's a warm and fuzzy feeling to know you're not all alone. Just by hearing myself out loud (i mean, just by reading the text i was keying on my cell) i felt less irrational and insane.

At lunch, to compensate for having had face-stuffing episodes in the last 48 hours, i went to Quizno's. Plus, i wasn't really hungry. I even walked in my heels just to believe i was burning off some fat.

I asked for a cobb salad, no onion, "for here". Yeah, yeah, i don't eat salads for my health, OK? The order-taker repeated the information to the food assembler in Spanish. Twice.

Waiting by the cash register and two sandwiches later, i witnessed the food assembler sprinkle diced red onion on my salad.

"No onion!" I cried.

She asked a question. I didn't understand a word. The manager intervened.

"No eggs?" He asked.

"No onion," I replied.

The girl gingerly removed the offensive ingredient.

Finally done, she handed the box over to the manager/ringer-upper, who applied pressure on the parameters of the box to ensure it was air-tight.

Then he proceeded to place the box in a plastic bag.

"For here!" I cried.

OMG! Let's review my order. There seems to be 3 criteria to it:

1. Cobb salad
2. No onion
3. For here

So basically they messed up 2 out of 3. C'mon, people! How hard can it be?!!!!!

Hand Me Some Of That Fairy Coal

Just saw The Holiday starring Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. (Beautiful people make me ache. Well, Jack Black not so much. But his unbridled humor makes him sexy.) For the 10th time, romantic comedies are not my thing. I mean, Jude Law, insanely attractive, a sensitive single dad who cries??! Come on. The audience is hopeful. Not idiotic.

And that's the whole point to chick flicks, isn't it. A little hope. And i have to admit, even though this film is the ultimate clichéd fantasy of going to a foreign land and falling in love with a stranger (because your life sux so, nothing good could possibly happen on the homeland), i want to believe it. All the coincidental puzzle pieces that miraculously fall into place. And all you needed was a little London snow and a whole lot of Santa Ana gusts.

But most of all i think it's because there's some psychotherapy in there. Can never resist a little cinematic psychotherapy. People get weaned off toxic relationship cycles and make honest connections despite baggage all the time! And sure, long-distance relationships work out. Even when they're bicontinental. Why not?

And clever, to set it against the backdrop of the holidays (hence the title of the film). Because there's just something in the air around that time of year, isn't there. I have to confess that before long i was humming "Santa Baby" while making a second martini in the kitchen. Yes, magical. Probably why that's the time of year when suicide rates skyrocket.

All that said, great film! It made me laugh and got me choked up at times. Go rent it sometime!

Can You Tell By Now I Love Pasta?!!

Spinach-filled jumbo ravioli in organic vodka sauce. I bought the sauce for the name. : ) Must've been fermented from home-grown potatoes. LOL.

You may recognize the 'shrooms and chicken sausage from this morning! : D

On the Sixth Day...

Seis de mayo just doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it.

No Caption Necessary... Almost

'Shroom omelette, chicken sausage with mushroom Asiago, and seasoned fries drizzled with Tabasco. Fungi & lard. The cornerstone of a nutritional breakfast.*


*Inspired by Pulp Fiction

Every Day Should Be Saturday 2

Had a good day. Relatively mellow. Went biking at Shoreline Park in Mountain View. Wish i had at least one pic to share that would do that vast gorgeous park justice, but when you're dying of heat exhaustion and dehydration you couldn't care less about taking good pictures.

I'm getting a lot better at getting my bike in and out of my car. (Thank God for sportswagons!) Should've seen me struggling in that Target parking garage when i first got it. Simply embarrassing.

It was nice out. Sure was windy though. This gal in my online group informs me that, according to weather.com, "windy" is when wind speed is 20 mph or higher. I did not know that. Also glad i'm not the only weather-obsessed nerd around.

After the one-hour ride, i watched the windsurfers for a moment. That nook of the bay reminded me of the lagoon in San Mateo. Always nice to be near a body of water, having grown up by the ocean.

Even though i felt like my legs were about to fall off, i wobbly went on to briefly visit the Rengstorff House, pictured above. Love that historic stuff! It's now the oldest Victorian Italianate building in the area. At one point the entire structure was transported from Rengstorff (a street named after the wealthy entrepreneur Henry Rengstorff, as the name suggests) to Shoreline. They just upped and plopped it. How wacky is that!

It's haunted, another gal in my online group tells me right before she takes off. Haunted, huh? That's right up my alley. I imagine all the stories, all the lives involved.

I looked up a whole bunch of upcoming events tonight. Lots are happening. More festivals and such than you can shake a stick at. Summer has always been my favorite season.

I looked some more on Craig's List, too, just to see if more probable w4w platonic classifieds had been posted. I was gonna take Denisse's advice to post my own, but when i was on that page, i had no idea what i was looking for. A friend, obviously. But people don't just click. Someone has to be rejected. Whether it's me or her, it's not a good prospect. I have enough bad karma under my belt.

And did you know there's lots of racist stuff under Rants and Raves? Some guy wrote, and i'm paraphrasing, "All the Chinese eat is rice fried with chicken fat. Maybe if they'd eat healthier food they'd grow beyond 5 feet, their pigment would be normal and their eyes would be of normal shape."

OMG! First my jaw dropped. I was appalled. But later i was glad i got to be exposed to that rage (if it is indeed real and not for shock value only). Because if that rage exists, it's better to be aware of it than to be sheltered from it. Forgive them, Father. They know not what they are doing.

And you know what? I had a good day. : )

By Yours Truly 3

Cold soba with shiitake, dried shaved bonito, and
a generous sprinkle of nanami*

*Nanami, a spice mix, literally means "seven flavors"

Je Ne Sais Quoi

What i put on repeat play lately is Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)". From the first time i caught Fergie performing it on AI i've loved it. Something about the chorus that gets to me. And that voice! So sultry. Plus, she's hot. : )

This morning i wake up with the song playing in my head and it just keeps playing through shower time and everything else. A glimpse into how obsessed i can be, perhaps.

At first i didn't understand why the song affected me so. The lyrics had little to do with me. Then i realize, they are what JD is doing. Getting a move-on. Has nothing to do with me. Course, the rest of the song is too sentimental to fit JD's repertoire. : )

Ask Sherwin-Williams

Have you noticed them Sherwin-Williams commercials have been featuring interracial couples for some time now?

First it was a white guy with an Asian gal. She's artsy, spiritual, spunky. (Cuz Lord knows all of them Asian gals are.) He's, well, white.

But they get along, and they make a cute couple.

Now it's a white guy with a colored gal. Uh oh, did i say colored? She's beautiful. She could be of any heritage. It wouldn't matter.

She's cute, full of life, bright-eyed. He's, well, white.

But they get along, and they make a cute couple.

Sherwin-Williams thinks they're so avant-garde. But it's still always about the white guy, isn't it. God forbid, let's say, a white woman should be defiled by an Asian man, or, shall we venture off to unthinkable combinations. Blasphemy! They shall shout.

Tap me on the shoulder when you're truly liberated.

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 7

My fingers smell like shiitake mushrooms.

That's right. I soaked some earlier, thinking i might make soba later with bonito. (Japanese for "mackerellike fish". Interesting that it happens to be "beautiful" in Spanish. Masculine, mind you.)

Shiitake. Course, in China, they just call them mushrooms.

Epiphany 6

Before i became an alcoholic and i was just getting to know JD via intent IM, i asked why he couldn't drink in moderation.

He laughed as if it was the most ridiculous question.

"If one drink feels good," he typed. "Eight drinks must be better!"

I could not comprehend.

Now i do. It's all based on fear. God forbid that pesky lucidity should return.

Vignette 3

On Wednesday i let the manager know i would have to take off early two days in a row for doctor's appointments.

"Yeah," he kinda shrugged. "That's cool."

"Should i let Jack* know?" I asked. Jack is our assistant manager.

"No," replied the manager. "He doesn't care."

I laughed out of surprise.

"I mean," he continued. "It doesn't really affect us."

Thanks. It's nice to feel needed!


*Not his real name

Freaking Out About Freaking Out

On Monday I saw that Ms. Milwaukee had said something cute both on my blog and hers. I had this urge to write her and say, "I think we should be pen pals!" Then i thought, "'Pen pals'! OMG what a dated term!"

Five minutes later, i felt stupid for the thought. To try to build rapport with someone 2208.82 miles away? What good would that do? There i go again, going after the unattainable.

Then there's fear, too. I wrote Denisse later that night:

I guess i've just had plenty of rejection and failed attempts in recent years and i'm totally shying away from even trying anymore... The fear has bled from romantic encounters into the platonic arena... This is so not cool...

Denisse suggests looking on Craig's List even though "there are lots of creeps on there". She recommends the Strictly Platonic section. As opposed to the Sex, Sex, Sex, And More Sex section.

(OK, there's no such category. But whatever they name it, that's what they mean.)

So i finally did look it up, narrowing the search by region and age group, and under w4w only. There are only 11 results. As opposed to the 5,247 you would get in Sex, Sex, Sex, And More Sex. : )

There's this one single Mom in Saratoga who's trying to quit smoking that i almost contacted. But then i noticed she specified "straight" in her criteria. Why would that be important in a friend? Does this mean she's judgmental? Again, fear and doubt took over, and i didn't write.

Last night JD wrote back to let me know how he's doing on the meds. He goes to a support group every evening to keep from drinking. Of course he needs a support group. Lord knows this cannot be done alone.

This evening i suddenly realize i've been wigging out because JD was my only support system for so long. Now that i don't have one any more, of course i'm out of whack. This realization was great, because for weeks now i could not understand why i was more depressed than ever. Nothing has changed. I'm still a drunk. I'm still alone.

The epiphany happened after i had an episode at work. The morning was just melancholic. The trigger was that it was my sis-in-law's birthday. I called to ask to take them to dinner, and my brother actually declined. "Week nights are not the best," he said. "Perhaps Friday or Saturday."

But it won't be Elsie's birthday on Friday or Saturday. I couldn't believe he actually turned me down. If only he knew how much it took for me to even make that phone call, given my severe depression. AND he brought up the fact that i'd been in hiding, sounding all stern. Sounding just like our mother. As if i should have an explanation.

I told Denisse they don't get how serious my disease is. I'm not sure Denisse gets it, either.

So all morning I'd get teary. Even at lunch i was teary because the waiter was kind. Oh my Lord. But that i can deal with. Once i got back after lunch though, i found this error in the bank deposit made by the manager and the staff. An error by 1¢.

I got really upset. After some brief research, I found what'd caused the error, and was irritated that they didn't catch it sooner. In accounting, even a discrepancy of half a cent needs to be rectified.

"I can't work like this," i thought.

I was close to pacing the room in a full-blown anxiety attack. My hands were shaking. I couldn't think. Afterwards i'd realize the error would take 30 seconds to correct. But that would mean that i'd have to talk to someone.

All i could think of was I wanted to go home. So i left a message for my boss, and left. All i said was i wasn't feeling well. Oh, i was unwell, alright.

My illness has not affected work to this extent in quite a few years now. Once i got home i hit the sack. Sleeping in excess always helps.

Had some weird dreams that possibly involved violence. Probably worked out some of my hostility this way. These days i have some really disturbing dreams. But all that means might be that i've watched one too many horror flick.

JD responds to another email of mine. It would be okay to talk sometime, he says. But he prefers that i not be drinking.

WHAT?!!!!! That was my knee jerk response.

But i understand, i do. It's just that we've always talked drunk... A sober convo would probably be bland and uncomfortable.

This is probably why he doesn't read my blog any more, either.

Love You, Too

The Coke commercial on TV says:

Thank you for drinking

"You're welcome!" I thought. "Just doing what i do."

Oh!... Wait. They mean Coke. Per se.

Oh!... Never mind.

Work Thy Brain Before Working Thy Mouth

At the end of a draining day, on my way out, this Japanese-American girl who works on the floor stopped me in my tracks. I've always liked her. She's cute, and one of the few who are not afraid to say "hi" first. (I am not one of the few.)

I couldn't hear her at first. She repeated herself.

"Do you have kids?" She asked. "I've been meaning to ask you."

Oh, no. Not again. That dreaded, probing question that leads to other dreaded, probing questions.

And why has she "been meaning to ask" me? Curious.

After my negative answer, she goes, "Husband?"

OMG. Are you for real?

"No," i was already exhausted.

"So you're single?" She continued. Oh, how did you deduce that, my dear? Kudos!

"Very much so," I replied. The boy behind her kinda chuckled.

I need to quickly turn the table, i thought. "How 'bout you, single?" I asked.

"I have a boyfriend," she said. "Do you want to have kids?"

Give it up, lil sista! I gave the usual "probably not", and i could see she was gonna keep going at it, so i mumbled something along the lines of "You're too young to even think about kids", and bailed.

And i'm too old, kiddo.

This makes her the third person who has interrogated me on the subject at this store. What gives?

Denisse tells me she's been targeted a lot, too. And she's only 27! Stealthy and persistent, these folks. According to Denisse, apparently, most don't seem to consider this line of questioning invasive.

How can that be? I could think of a dozen reasons not to get personal on this topic. For one, as I have mentioned on this blog before, I could be barren.

Not just barren. Barren from uterine scarring by sexual abuse. With a metal shoehorn.

(Yes, this is a Sybil reference. Fascinating read.)

C'mon, people! Think!