Zero Sum

So i was sitting here, feeling bored. Thinking, Oooh, god... the depression!!!... The humanity!!

And nothing was gonna make me happy. Antsy but couldn't do a thing. Didn't want to blog. Which was exactly how i knew i should.

Depression moves in like a fog bank again. (I've used this simile only twice.) You'd be amazed how many guys still contact you even when your profile says "drink regularly" or "drink daily".

A couple nights ago i was bored and desperate and chatted with this guy who initiated contact. Before long it was obvious he was a drinker. Trust me, i can sniff one from a mile away. Upon learning i was having a drink myself, he was like, "Let's meet now!" I was like, What? Are you crazy? And rolled my eyes.

So of course last night i was bored and desperate and drunk. A lethal combo. So i chatted with the alchie again. I got so shitfaced i don't recall much of the conversation, only that it wasn't riveting. Again, the guy was totally psyched about meeting me. Like, hello?? Why would anybody self-respecting want anything to do with an alcoholic??!! So i went off on accusing him of being an alcoholic, but he kept denying, all the while going "lol". I don't think i let up for like 5 minutes. I was like, "Admit it!" OMG kinda hilarious in retrospect.

So here lies the dilemma. I think i want someone who accepts me the way i am, which is why i don't lie in my profile(s). But when someone has no reservations about the posted me, i'm all, "What is wrong with you for not finding me flawed??" Which means i shouldn't even be looking, period. This is all so messed up.

Which was probably why depression ensued tonight.

So by now Denisse knows i've been married before (a secret! Shhhh...). She searched for my profile! That silly girl. Which also means that she must've seen the "drink daily" statement.

This evening during our usual end-of-day email exchange, i explained my aforementioned dilemma. "I just know two alcoholics together just doesn't work," i wrote. Then i went on to say it's so good i don't need to hide my depression from her when it hits. Depression will lift - that's the good thing about being bipolar.

Typical of family, she responded to neither the alcoholism nor depression. Just happy notions all around.

Not her, too... Why can't they understand? By not acknowledging our ailments, they make them unspeakable.