It's Friday. Do You Know Where Your Guilt Is?

Yesterday i had one of the most peaceful days ever. I wasn't hung up on anyone, or anything. It was awesome. I couldn't remember the last time i'd felt that liberated.

There'd been a two-day miniature disaster with a 22-year-old. He was all intense. Texted me like 15 times a day. Couldn't wait to hook up. Said he thought about me all day. I had my reservations, even though, typical of me, i was quite giddy with the attention.

You'd think i would know at my ripe old age it was only sex on the kid's mind. Big shocker, right?

So of course, 48 hours later, reality hit the both of us. I was never gonna be a just-sex kinda gal. And he turned a cold shoulder after realizing nothing was gonna happen.

I went through rejection woes, as i always do. I even felt too ashamed to tell anyone. Except JD. Cuz JD has been there. He laughs with me.

I recall how JD used to say it's different with women when it comes to sex. If a woman makes it known she's available for sex, no strings attached, men will flock like flies to doodie (OK, that's my analogy).

That's when i had my moment of clarity. I could've had the 22-year-old. And what would that have proven? Only that i could've had sex. Doesn't mean i'm a better person. Or worse. Doesn't get me love.

And that's who i am. I still need love. And i'm not gonna settle.

All of a sudden i forgave everyone who i had perceived to have hurt me, let me down, whatever.

And it was a glorious day. I wrote JD cuz he's my best bud no matter what... And i didn't even worry if i was burdening him, or if it was a bad time. All in its good time. If he wasn't ready he would read it at a later time. Or never. Why should i worry?

The 22-year-old proved that everything does happen for a reason. I had to sink real low to see some light again.

Since i was having a good run, i looked on Craig's List again for platonic w4w possibilities. I wrote to 4 women in hopes of friendship. At 8:45 p.m. i couldn't keep my eyes open and had a much needed sleep fest. Wasn't even morbidly intoxicated which was refreshing.

It's true attitude is everything. When you feel good about yourself, you can't help but exude confidence. And others feel it and bounce off it.

Should be a no-brainer. But doesn't happen for some of us as often as we'd like.

Finally, in the past 36 hours, since my transfer to the new store in February, i feel liked.

Could be all in my head, since it's all perception. But i'll enjoy it while it lasts.

There are two Dereks at my store. Matt would ask without making eye contact, "How are the two Dereks?" As if he'd be kicking himself if i made a better connection with one of the Dereks.

While i've been practically throwing myself at him all this time! But i'm over that... I even returned his call yesterday. Just cuz it's goodwill to say hi back when someone says it first.

So i've been friendly with Derek II. What can i say, i'm personable. I realize we have nothing in common, but we sure have some laughs. He's always cheery and his weekends are always chockful of outdoorsy activities. And i've felt i have to be this active, outgoing person with him. So i stress on whatever i may have going.

There's no question that both Dereks are pleased with my work. Sometimes i impress Derek II with customer care or senseless anecdotes, and he'll crack up and go, "I like you!"

I never thought anything of it. I mean it's like "I like your thinking!", or "You're funny!"

But he's been saying that a lot lately. Almost everyday. And now that i think about it, he often askes about my weekend plans, asking if i have a "hot date".

I just chuckle. I never take those sentiments seriously, given my self-esteem issue.

Cuz I feel safe with him. I don't have to impress him. He has a live-in girlfriend he's been with forever. They're not married, but he wears a ring. He files his taxes joint, for crying out loud.

I don't get self-conscious around guys who are taken.

So this afternoon all of a sudden he confides in me that he and his girlfriend are on their last ropes. I don't even recall what brought that on.

So, knowing me, i'm a sucka when it comes to someone needing compassion. I felt special.

I asked him about having a support system, "Who do you have to talk to?"

"You," he replied, not making eye contact.

Uh oh. I'm reminded of the mess with Rob only 4 months ago... You so good with my customers >>> You listen to my gripes >>> I'm in love with you!

I don't need another rumor of me breaking up someone's long-term relationship. I don't want to be transferred again!

Today Derek was all raving about me with a customer, just like Matt used to do. A customer would be sitting in Matt's office and he'd be like, "There she is now. She's awesome!" And he'd turn to me and go, "You're awesome!" My cheeks would burn like i was in 5th grade again.

Derek's customer replied, "Don't let it go to her head." Maybe it has.

At the end of the day i helped Derek II with a report he couldn't figure out. He was like, "You're amazing! I owe you lunch for that...", to which again I chuckled. Later on he stepped in briefly to say, "Can you fix other areas in my life too? Can you come home with me?" And quickly turned around.

A sucka for neediness, i yelled back on impluse, "We could have a drink!"

"That would get me in more trouble!" He yelled back.

So i thought, okay, no drinks. What was i thinking? Bad idea.

But he started it. It was such a lazy afternoon he'd said we should just head over to Starbucks. And i'd had some time to sit and think, "Coffee? Gimme cocktails!"

Before i took off i stopped at his office to say "have a good weekend".

"I'll try," he replied with a sad face.

I was instantly affected. I left him my number, "If you need to talk."

"I was gonna ask," he replied. "But wasn't sure if it was okay."

"Of course it is," i said. "We're friends."

Oh, great. I'm gonna be transferred again soon.

Tonight, all 4 females off Craig's List have written back. I had an anxiety attack at first. It was like a job interview of sorts. How do you describe yourself in 1,000 words or less? You can't.

But then i realize this is so much better than with men. I can be myself. I don't need to cater to anyone. Breathe... It's gonna be okay.