And You May Quote Me 32

For a drifter between entitlement and disentitilement,

Tears get dammed up.

Shrinkage 8

I had to work late this evening. A biannual thing.

Biannual = all too frequent

Damon the district personnel had his cameo at our humble establishment.

I was clad in a twinset sans the cardigan. Damon nearly threw a fit when he walked in on me engrossed in physical inventory adjustments.

"Whoa! Your arms!" Cried Damon. "Have you lost a lot of weight?"

"No," i responded. "I've been at the same weight for a year now." I chuckled, "You've just never seen my bare arms."

"You're really thin," continued Damon. "Are you okay? Are you sick?"

Oh, i'm sick. I... am... sick. You have no idea.

This, btw, proves my invisibility.

Culinary 2

Today Riley asked me, "Why are all your photos on Facebook food?"

"I'm obsessed," i replied.

"With eating?" Asked Riley.

"With cooking," i said. "Eating? Look at me."

(In fact, this evening i almost gave all my chicken and fish away to Denisse and Trent*. I just wanted it off my hands. Over lunch Trent remotely expressed interest with one neutral comment and i was like, "You want it? It's yours!")

Riley grinned evilly.

I could include the fact that cooking temporarily kills my sense of unworthiness. But who needs to be burdened with that detail?


*Denisse's bro. Not his real name.

Chase 6

Today i started physical therapy on my hand.

Remarkably, the therapist's name was Taylor*.

He had me dip my hand in hot molten wax five times, then wrapped it up in a mitt. I was a coward at first and hesitated and needed much coaxing.

"It's not gonna burn," he assured me. Repeatedly. I'm sure he was annoyed.

Ten minutes later he dewaxed me (that was way cool!) and performed a number of tests on my hand and arms to gauge the severity of my injury, making me go, "Ow, ow!"

As i continued to grimace and cringe, this Taylor concluded:

I believe you're in pain. But you're not paralyzed.

That blew me away. I hope that is true for me spiritually as well.


*Not his real name

By Yours Truly 22

Garlic Chicken with Rosemary, Sage, and Thyme

Braised Fish... The recipe says, "Don't break the fish!"

You try it!

Red snapper with soy, mirin, ginger, and miso...

What i always say, "As long as it tastes good!"

One of the Few Things That Make Me Smile, Kinda

I make sandwiches on this on my lunch breaks.

Reminds me of when my Dad taught me how to draw a hen and her chicks out of ovals. I got really good at that. And drawing, in general.

It didn't last.

Something touching about seeing a hen and her chicks.

Chase 5

Another work-related injury. Within... a month? Mildred my supervisor is very displeased with me right now.

Today someone was sent from both District and Corporate to investigate my claims lest they be fraudulent. I felt a rush of indignance, but found (little) comfort in knowing i have nothing to hide: not like i can fake tight muscles and pinched nerves - i don't know anatomy that well.

My doctor wants me to wear this wrist splint when i'm driving, typing, or otherwise utilizing my left hand.

In other words, all waking hours.

The splint lessens the pain, but sure makes it difficult to type!

Last night, amidst my Scramble fervor, i had to pause mid-game and remove the sucker in order to resume full-speed.

I'm thinking maybe this injury is partially Scramble-related... But, sshhhh... Nobody needs to know!

Snippet 66

Facebook:
What are you doing right now?

V:
Wishing Taylor could see i've beaten my personal best at 77 in Scramble.

Lost

Last night i was at a club with Denisse and Russell. I was unhappy.

Never been unhappy at a club before.

And nothing against D and R either. Don't get me wrong. I did enjoy their company. Had a few laughs even. But i was not digging the music. I looked around and thought, "This is not my crowd."

I recalled Taylor texting me in recent past, "It can be so lonely in a crowd..."*

And i texted back, "I get that concept all the time."

I gazed around at these happy people in flashing, sweeping lights of psychedelic colors. No amount of alcohol or deafening music was gonna bring me cheer.

Alcohol is a depressant.

And i am inherently unhappy.

Taylor has called me "freakishly hot". And has commented, "With you nakedness you must be with someone by now."

You see, reeling them in is not a problem. Making them stay is.

I must practice kindness. Toward me and toward others. This will be my mantra for now.


*I'm paraphrasing

Immobile

Nothing is easier.

Drinking is not easier.

Not drinking is not easier.

Talking is not easier.

Not talking is not easier.

There's just this mansion i now reside in.

And i've forgotten to breathe.

I'd Be Fibbing If I Said I Wasn't At Fibbs

This evening i went back to where Taylor and i had our first date. I hadn't been back since Taylor moved away. And never been there alone.

I figured this was the appropriate place to mourn the demise of our relationship.

Our relationship was on life support for a year. When the plug was pulled recently i still was not ready.

This morning the finality of severance hit me so hard i almost had a nervous breakdown at work. (Have i mentioned i have severe abandonment issues?)

As i sat outside while the sun went down, i realized: this is no longer Taylor's bar.

An older lady exited the bar and started chatting with a couple at a table a few feet away from me. At first i didn't pay attention. I was staring blankly as i had been all day.

They started laughing. It's good to witness happiness.

The older lady must've been in her late 70's. I was blocking out their dialog (something i'm very good at) until i heard that she was gonna get herself a martini.

"Where are you getting your martini?" Asked the amused couple.

O.L. raised her cane and pointed to something in a distance. I couldn't make out the name of the joint.

The couple congratulated her on her zest and complimented her on her looks.

When she was about to take off they told her to have fun.

"And be careful!" They cautioned.

O.L. had taken two steps away when she turned around and told the couple, "It's too late!"

Taken aback, the couple asked, "It's too late for what?"

"To be careful!" Replied the lovely lady.

They laughed some more.

I couldn't help but crack a smile too.

As O.L. walked past me, she turned to me and smiled at me. Her skin was like porcelain. Her cheeks reminded me of my late grandma's.

I smiled back. My smile may have had hints of a frown, but my heart was warmed.

Random kindness of strangers makes life worth living.

This month my horoscope reads that i am gonna regain a chance at something once lost.

I was so sure it was gonna be Taylor.

Now i think... maybe... it's life.

Quote 129

I had to find just where you are

Half the time the
world is
Ending

Drink
to all that we have lost

- "Love Remains the Same", Wanderlust, Gavin Rossdale

And You May Quote Me 31

The more i learn the more i realize how little i know.*


*I doubt this is an original thought.

Bipedalism

I wish to walk with you.

I look and see i am not equipped.

But i can't hurry and grow some legs. All i can do is to watch you walk away with someone else.

Someday i may have stubs.

By then there'll be no one to walk with. With or without prosthetics.

Quote 120

The intelligent suffer the most.

- Dexter*, my new therapist


*Not his real name

What I Learned Yesterday 3

Orthorexia. That's meee. To a teee.

So i'm an orthorexic borderliner. Two new labels in 24 hours. That's more than a girl could ask for.

Chase 4

Denisse would like to know if tomorrow i'll be up for heading up into the city, or if the Santa Clara art and wine thing will be of interest.

I think tomorrow i'd like to be dead.

This Just In

Turns out i'm not bipolar after all. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Wee!

Reviewing the symptoms is like reading my bio. Confrontation is hard for me. Harsh, harsh reality.

I'm gonna hafta change the About Me on here? And add a link entitled "Why just be bipolar when you can be borderline psychotic"?

Exciting times!

Chase 3

Yesterday i went to have x-rays taken of my sacral/coccygeal region for my work-related injury.

Waiting 40 minutes in flimsy robe and shorts while icy air blows on ya for a procedure that takes 1 minute was NOT fun.

It hurt my bony ass to lie on a flat slab under the camera. When the technician positioned my hips so i was centered, he mumbled, "You are thin... I knew you were thin but..." And didn't complete the sentence.

Then he had me turn on my side. Knee to knee, foot to foot. Now that's tricky even on a soft surface. Everything hurt.

"Hmm..." The technician seeemed puzzled.

"Take the picture already!" I thought.

"Since you are so thin," said the technician. "We're gonna have to place this foam wedge under your waist."

We discovered shortly after that my muscle spasms had caused my coccyx to curt outwards since my body had been adjusting to a bad chair.

But... Wait... Let's recap: I'm thin?

Taylor's Universal Question

Doesn't anyone just wanna love?

Focus!

The one time i shot pool with Riley (an activity unlikely to repeat itself), i informed him i was out of practice. He called booze "aiming fluids". And egged me on.

He was right. I got game after a few.

I have ceased to be passionate about most things. To a worrisome point.

When Taylor got me hooked on Scramble recently, a word game on Facebook, i told him, "I've got something to live for... For now!"

Not surprisingly, it's the same deal with Scramble. You've got to get the juices flowing.

But it's a subtle balance between silenced lucidity and walking-on-a-wire oblivion.

After much struggle, due to skepticism among other factors, i'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.

He's gonna tell me to stop drinking, i'm sure. And i'm gonna wail, "But it's my Scramble fluids!"

Snippet 65

Riley:
(After failing at pulling a coworker's leg)
He didn't believe me! I'm hurt!
[Pause]
Contrary to public belief... and mythical lore, I have feelings.

V:
If you say so.

R:
No... Actually, I sold them to the devil a long time ago.

V:
I wanna sell my feelings. Can you hook me up with the devil?

My Universal Question

Who is this girl and why has she stolen your smile?

By Yours Truly 21

Sunday Russel the fisherman came bearing gifts. From waters 175 miles away from Berkeley!

Rock cod...


And sanddab:


Two firsts!!! I was very psyched!

I prepared the dishes as recommended by the foodie himself. Verbatim. The man knows his fish! I wouldn't deviate.

The sucka was so huge it almost didn't fit my wok! (OMG that sounds SO Asian!!) Russel, Denisse and i totally had a comical episode working out the logistics via text. Then a few minutes later i got a call from Denisse.

"You're calling!" I laughed out loud. "It's like a crisis!"

Denisse laughed too. Good times.

I know it's the Asian way, but it's weird to eat something staring back atcha.

I just noticed that those eyes, uncooked, resembled moonstones.
That said... Yum!!!!! : ) (I didn't eat the eyes. I was tempted. But couldn't.)

The flatfish was so good i wanted MORE!

As told to Denisse, how can pan-fried anything not be good?!?

Fire Roasted Halibut on Fuji Salad with Crumbled Bleu Cheese

@ Paradise Beach Grille, Capitola, California

Vignette 13

Canadian Riley is due home for a visit.

"Will you gimme a ride, V?" Asked Riley yesterday after breaking the news to Derek II in my office.

"Where ya goin'?" I asked.

"Toronto," replied Riley.

"When ya goin'?" I asked then.

"The 27th," replied Riley.

Derek cracked up, "Do you even know where Toronto is, V?"

I was seriously offended. "Gimme some credit!" I whined with a pitchy voice. "It's not even Vancouver..." I gestured with my left hand. Then extending my right arm dramatically, i proclaimed, "It's Toronto!"

My ASL teacher would be very proud.

"It's just that you were so nonchalant the way you responded!" A giggly Derek said.

Oh, i'm not nonchalant. I'm stoic.

Vignette 12

Derek II's mama is one cool chick. She's a blonde stargazer, and she has a cat she calls Black Pussy.

The first time i heard that i giggled. "Is that the horse you're betting on?" I asked.

Mama has been diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. Derek's spending this weekend before the surgery with her.

He only told cuz i probed what prompted this trip to SoCal. "It's been difficult for me to bring this up all week," said Derek. "We all know people get old and die. But it's something else to be told their expiration date!"

No matter how you mentally prepare yourself, you're never ready.

"News like that really puts things in perspectives for me," i told him. "I get depressed. But i don't even have real problems!"