Horror!

I think this would be a much better picture if his crotch was directly above her mouth.

Inanimate

JD jokes that, if i was to move to Florida, i'd be allowed to keep two stuffed animals out of the slew that i have in storage.

It's not my fault. (1) Most were gifts. (2) It's an Asian thing.

There was this Gund polar bear i received right before i left Brooklyn, NY, from my best friend IA and her sister, both of which were like sisters i never had.

His name was Snuffles.

I took him to college in Chico, CA. I'd hold him while i cried to sleep some nights. He was precious.

My brother W, with whom i lived at the time, adored the bear. He'd snatch him all the time. In fact i have this silly picture of Snuffles sitting on his face while he lies on his futon...

And not until i said it out loud earlier this evening to JD did i realize it sounds totally kinky and twisted.

And years later, going through my divorce and moving from SoCal to the BA, i saw Snuffles again when i went through my things. Where my tears had fallen mildew had grown. The poor thing was beyond resurrection. It broke my heart to hafta toss him. i mean i literally felt severance.

Tonight JD listened to my story after it took me 15 seconds to come up with the adjective "musty", and remarked:

Let's move on from the musty bear that sat on your brother's face...

And i laughed.

I said, "I should quote you on that one line. And they'd be like, 'Huh?!'"

And You May Quote Me 20

To have been missed. That's enough.*

I am intact before and after.


*A Love Actually reference

Quote 86

Sometimes, in the face of fear and danger, I laugh. And the laughter sometimes brings power.

Yes, I care about you... it's strange to care about someone I have never met, but... I hope life brings you happiness and peace.

And sometimes... I hope you laugh in the face of fear and sadness.

- Libby, my pen-pal

All That Glitters

Every time i wear my charcoal sequin lacy top that's 95% cotton 5% spandex a sequin falls off.

I'd find one on the carpet. I'd pick it up, examine it, and try to decide if it was silver, pewter, or just grey.

Two nights ago Taylor asked if i liked lacy tops.

Yeah, lacy. I've bought only 21 lacy tops since last June. Subconsciously convinced if only i'd get the perfect lace top, no one would dump me again.

And one day all my sequins will fall off. I'll have none left. And i'll be bare. As bare as i feel.

You Know You Have Issues When... 2

... you walk by the office trimmer and picture your wrist under the blade and wonder if it is sharp.

Survey

Some online dating sites ask you to describe your "ideal first date".

I have never quite known how to answer that.

Today i decide it is:

Talk till 3:00 a.m. Fuck till 6.

But i'm not gonna post that anywhere any time soon. It's a lonely place to be - not being understood.

Culinary

I have made this dish before. But every experience is new and unique in itself, right? (Oh, maybe i'm thinking sex.) And arguably this presentation trumps the last. Plus i have improved on timing since last summer. There is still room for improvement though. Maybe next year i'll finally get it.

To my horror, i discover that my previous attempt which i thought was my maiden voyage was really not. Apparently i had tried my hands on asparagus a year prior. Gee i wonder what else i'm forgetting.

I have this issue of losing my appetite by the time i'm done cooking. The sight and the scent cease to appeal. [Well, the sight retains its merits as i still enjoy the photography aspect tremendously. I am just not necessarily inclined to consume the subject.] Today i took the disorder further - i did not have any desire to eat to start with. But i sure as hell was not gonna let the ingredients rot in my fridge.

Well, that's what the freezer is for, right?

You know what they say: It's the journey, not the destination. Blah blah blah.

Quote 85

A delicate look
upon your face...

What about me?

You held me like a lover
Sweaty hands
... in the appropriate place

And so be free!

Do you cum?

Is he dark enough
enough to see your light?

Do you miss my smell?

- "Accidental Babies", 9, Damien Rice

Quote 84

I miss hanging out with you.. thats kinda like love.

- Taylor

Quote 83

You hold me without touch

And i feel your rain

you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone

- "Gravity", Little Voice, Sara Bareilles

Quote 82

It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but an entire life to forget them.

- Anonymous

Observation

This girl has got the cheekbones of Cruella De Vil!!!!!

Revelation 27

Two days ago i carried a 35-lb. shredder from one end of the office to another. It couldn't have been longer than 10 seconds.

This morning my arms still hurt.

Kinda like a relationship.

Hydration

I have changed the water for my asparagus way more diligently than i have for any cut flowers i've had the displeasure to kill prematurely. And not tap water either. No, no, no. Tap water is not good enough for my asparagus. Distilled water.

Cuz on Sunday i'm gonna eat these motherfuckers.

Osteological

Last night, as i struggled to get comfortable in bed, my bony elbow hit my bony pelvis a couple of times.

And i heard the marrow echo.

Berries and Wine

The walls of my candle have caved in.

Now, to have compassion for wax. That's something.

I think it's because it's vulvar.

Epiphany 12

I have come to the realization
he is not better than me.
He is just not...
me

Floral 2

Hydrangea touches me like no other. More than orchid, calla lily, and hyacinth (all captivating in my book). There's just something about hydrangea. I mean it just fucking takes my breath away.

If i sought insight in floriography, i'd deem myself more appreciative of empathy than fertility, beauty, and remorse. Wow. There may be some truth and wisdom in that. Although, gimme purple hyacinth any day (and twice on Sunday), cuz sorrow i can always dig.

Snippet 40

Derek II:
[In gift-giving mode] When's your birthday?

V:
June.

Derek:
Aww... so late in the year! [Whines] Why?...

V:
Cuz my parents didn't fuck till September?
[Laughs boisterously]

Recent Discovery

The iPod does not respond well to gloved fingers.

Course. It is only human to prefer contact with naked flesh!

Oh, wait. The iPod is not human. My bad.

Quote 81

We die. That may be the meaning of life. But we do language. That may be the measure of our lives.

- Toni Morrison

Quote 80

Your fingertips across my skin
Palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

...
the sweetest sadness in your eyes

clever trick

- "Almost Lover", One Cell In the Sea, A Fine Frenzy

Argumentative

In the shower this evening, i debated whether i should have baby carrots with cream cheese, or skip over to Bailey's with a hint of caramel.

"I think we should go straight to drinking," The Voice said.

You know... it's never a good sign when one refers to oneself as "we".

And You May Quote Me 19

Sometimes you yearn for someone to see you. And you fall on their blind spot.

Quote 79

Sometimes
When you and i collide
... i say it's infinitely true

So tired. I feel so uninspired

my logic has been torn apart

- "Sway", Bic Runga

Preferred Stock 2

I like my men like i like my vodka and tonic. White and bubbly. Oh, make that sweet too, but not sugary.

Preferred Stock

I like my men like i like my beef jerky. Oh, make that tender too.

To All Lyricists Out There

If i hear a song on the sound of tears or the sound a heart breaking ONE more fucking time!

Dandy

Out of all the great moments in Love Actually, my favorite line is:

Can we be quite quick?!*

for the following reasons:

1. Alliteration!
2. It is so Brit!
3. When i'm standing in line or sitting in traffic, that's what i say in my head.


*uttered by Harry, Alan Rickman's character, in an attempt to purchase a present for his mistress at a department store whilst his wife is in the vicinity

Displacement

I come across the profile of a YouTube subscriber called so sadly fucked.

My thoughts:

1. Kudos to YouTube for not bumping someone off for using the f word!
2. Dana? Ditto!

And then i realize the reference is far from romantic. *Sigh* ... i am too sentimental for my own good.

Deprecation

There are entirely too many snippets on this blog. And quotes. Snippets and quotes. Entirely too many.

Snippet 41

JD:
"Disconcerting"! That's such a great word.

V:
I think of such greater words when i'm drunk than sober.

JD:
Cuz you're so Chinese when you're sober.

V:
And you're so dry and boring when you're sober.

JD:
Aww... That's like a dagger nicking at my aorta.

V:
"Aorta"! That's such a great word.

As Told To JD

I hate when Denisse writes, and i can't even respond, cuz i'm so despondent.

I Have Squeezed Your Toes, And You Smiled

I love James Blunt's "Carry You Home". My favorite line:

I'm watching you breathing
For the last time

It touches me so. Every single time.

I have no idea what the lyrics mean. No matter how many times i listen. And listen i do. At first i was reminded of having your beloved sleeping beside you. Now I have a nagging suspicion it is not about a lover at all.

Tonight, as i put the tune on repeat play, my Dad comes to mind. Seemingly out of nowhere.

I have blocked him out for the longest time. I love my Dad. Have loved him so much that at times it would subsist like a dull ache.

I figure, if you don't allow someone to enter your head, you don't remember you miss them, you won't be in misery. Ever.

When i visited my parents in November, everyone noticed i was not all there. In nightmares i had been on that land, realizing it was a dream, and i would close my eyes and wake myself up. Only this time i'd close my eyes and i'd still be in that realm.

"When did you become so thin?" My Dad frowned and inquired shortly after my arrival. At dim sum. In a party of 8.

"Does it matter?" I shot back, frowning in tow.

He held up my wrist in disbelief. I flinched.

He demanded to know why. As my mother looked on. I mumbled, downplaying my incentives. Blamed pop culture.

A few days later, we were all at a park so that my nephews could play. AC was ecstatic.

I felt like a stranger amongst my family. I didn't belong. I tagged behind.

Then, in a rare moment alongside my Dad alone, he asked out of the blue, "You are not very happy, are you."

I was shocked by the honesty of the confrontation. I could literally feel my heart turn into goo. It was all i could do to fight back tears.

My Dad has always been excellent in reading me. I'd forgotten all about that. Because the last time he read me and was dead on was 15 years ago.

"No," i replied. "Not really."

We went on to have a conversation that reminded me: me and my Dad, we are built quite alike.

It was only for 5 minutes. And for the rest of my stay my mental state was never brought up again. But it was a pivot.

I am really gonna miss my Dad when he is dead.

Quote 78

I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is
there's no one else to blame

Be my friend

i am small

- "Breathe Me", Colour the Small One, Sia

Snippet 40

V:
I'm gonna go.

JD:
Why... What do you have to do?

V:
To have some me time and be sad.

JD:
Oh, okay.

Roar

You know you've had some hot sex when you don't know where your panties are @ 4:22 a.m.

Hot sex... with yourself... that is.

Supple

After lunch today i found a note on my desk for me to return a customer's call.

You know... I'm not 100% certain. But i bet that's not how Melanie spells her name.

Sage 4

Derek II stumbled across an excellent deal on PS3 at lunch today. 10% off.

"That's better than tax-free!" An enthused Derek informed me.

The store was down to the last set. But Derek didn't jump on it because he was gonna swap his Xbox 360 with some dude for a slightly used PS3, and he couldn't make an executive decision without all the raw data at hand. By mid-afternoon, though, he had gathered enough info for analysis. Concluding the store deal was pretty sweet, he was going back after work.

Toward the end of the day i saw Derek still hanging around. "Go get that PS3 before someone snatches it!" I urged.

"If someone takes the last one," responded Derek. "It wasn't meant to be."

"I'd be really bummed out!" I cried.

"You know," said Derek. "If this was like the coolest thing i'd even seen, maybe. It's not like i've never had anything else. I wouldn't be heartbroken."

I was impressed. "If i could apply that attitude to relationships," i told Derek. "I would never be miserable!"

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 13

"Once" is just "cone" scrambled.

Mmm i see an ice-cream connotation.

Where Are My Anchovies?

I haven't been able to watch TV at all. It's been more than half a year.

Or movies, for that matter. No, i lied. I must've watched a couple on DVD. But for the most part the idea sounds interesting, but i don't follow through. I just don't care. I mean it's all fake.

I don't get it. For the longest time i was a tv junkie. I lived vicariously through the fictional characters. So i wouldn't hafta comtemplate my life. If nothing else i needed white noise. And now silence is fine by me. I prefer it. So i can hear my thoughts.

One might surmise that this is graduation from illusion. I suspect i am no better - the inability to deal with dreamscape does not imply choice. It's more a phobia. How apt. For me.

Because it's not like i prefer reality.

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie 4

This was the primary photo featured on Jason and Terry's when The Counter @ Santana Row was reviewed.

As i walked by the joint yesterday and was drawn to the aroma [heck i was practically mesmerized], i didn't make the connection at all. Not until this evening. It was like a friggin' epiphany. I could hear the angels sing!

Check out the spotlight today!

For the lengendary House of Prime Rib in Frisco. You should know i am not exactly a meat person. [Except in the naughty sense.] So kudos to these guys who really know how to entice! These photos are so inciting, they should be banned!!!!! : )

Story for Men

This is the fragrance i've been wearing. To me it is ambivalent and unisex. The scent is complex and paradoxical, with bergamot and ivy, hints of jasmine and green rose, and woodsy base notes. With it on i feel androgenously intriguing and tough all at once.

I see once again i have evoked the spirit of Manchurian legend Kawashima.

Quote 77

Salvatore:
I should've told you about me and your mother sooner. Maybe then you would've felt differently about love.

Mary:
I don't feel anything about love, papa.

- The Wedding Planner


Disclaimer A: I may be paraphrasing
Disclaimer B: I hate to be quoting The Wedding Planner

Fuzzy

According to a study [Who would conduct such a study boggles the mind], two of the 237 reasons people have sex are:

1. To return a favor
2. To keep warm

Aww. I'm sure these are right up there with love and affection.

A Shout-Out. Almost. 3

Every time i see a Valtrex ad i am SO glad i don't have genital herpes.

Maybe celibacy ain't so bad after all!

Thank you, GlaxoSmithKline!

A Huge, Strange Breakfast

All my concoctions look about the same, don't they.

So full... And it's not even noon yet!*


*This remark makes sense only to me as i usually don't eat till noon. Got my idea from the drinking rule i guess.

Quote 76

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

- Buddy Hackett


(Courtesy of Joke of the Day @ Dogpile)

Snippet 39

JD:
I haven't had a thing. I had a pint of ice-cream and cigarettes.

V:
Oooh what flavor?

JD:
I dunno... Like raspberry truffle chocolate something...

Soliloquy 3

Suddenly my nephew AC crosses my mind and i want to see him.

Granted, it may not happen. But aww... i am not a complete turd.

I'm an incomplete turd.

Quote 75

Why have you forsaken me?

- "Chop Suey", Toxicity, System of a Down

Why Oh Why Can't I

Yesterday i saw a huge-assed rainbow. Probably the hugest i'd seen. Ever. It arched over what appeared as five miles. And the spectrum was broad.

It was so celestial, i felt exhilarated. I saw it as a sign, since i constantly seek signs. I felt that it said not to despair.

I hadn't been happy. Not in the conventional sense. I hadn't been happy in what felt like a long time.

And then 30 seconds later i realized: it is just light refracted through water vapor. It is entirely preposterous the visual has come to be associated with hopes and dreams.

NUM63R5

Calculating the discrepancy between a purchase order and a vendor invoice today, (yes, i have such an exciting career i can hardly stand it...) the figure 10.19 appeared before me.

"Aww..." i thought. "JD's birth date!!!"

Slant

This is on intracompany fax today. I've never seen an italicized smiley before.

It just seems so very warped to me. I can't take my eyes off it for a minute. Whilst the theme song of The Twilight Zone plays in my head.

Snippet 38

V:
This is it. 2008 is the year when i am not gonna be pathetic.

Phoebe:
How are you gonna do that?

V:
I... don't know.

[Pause]
Where's my thinking bat?*


*An A Few Good Men reference

Latent

Tonight i stumbled across an old post of mine from May 2006 with search words "flies on poop". Cuz i was feeling like even if i was equivalent to poop i was not getting a fair share of flies. And i wanted to see if i'd ever blogged about that. Cuz who wants redundancy?

I hadn't. But the old post stunned me, it was so fucking profound. It was like reading someone else's writing. I mean back then i actually had something to say. It was actually good.

The other day as i was mulling over interpretation of possible hidden meanings, i couldn't even remember the term hermeneutics. And i didn't have the first clue how to look it up. I just froze. And let it slide. I was getting sloppy : (

Just now i was listening to Colm MacIomaire's remake of "Everytime":

Every time i try to fly
i fall
Without my wings i feel
so small

Not only do i feel insignificant, my world has significantly shrunk.

And this is evident in the lack of room for exegeses in my recent text.

Snippet 37

V:
Are you going to bed soon?

JD:
Nope. The Steelers are in the fourth quarter.

V:
Aww... You're staying with me. I'm gonna eat chicken!

JD:
That is the response that i get from most women!

Hey Jude

I'm not feeling it. And it's only the fifth day of the new year. I'm hanging this up in cyberspace to serve as a reminder...

Snippet 36

(On falling asleep on the couch)

JD:
I'm afraid to go in the bedroom.

V:
How come?

JD:
Cuz it seems so final.

V:
Like a tomb?

JD:
Yeah.

Vision 2

The day i see this, i'll believe the world is a good place.

Narcissus 2

I look better than this

Quote 74

... She pulls him so deep inside her
that he's afraid
He'll divide her

- "Vampire", Season of the Hurricane, Juliet Turner

Disambiguation

I've been primarily wearing purple underwear. I wonder what that means as opposed to my pink phase.

I think the practice symbolizes nothing. Taylor has been on my mind. Taylor has bought me violet underthings.

Sometimes there are no layers, clothing- or meaning-wise.

Floral

This evening i saw hydrangea at Trader Joe's. It was raining cats and dogs outside, and i was not exactly a happy camper. The sight filled me with endorphins. Its beauty overwhelmed me so, i stopped in my tracks. I wanted to take it home.

So i would eventually kill it.

Vision

This morning i sat up in bed, looked down at my duvet cover, and thought i saw fucking Sanskrit.

Quote 73

I wonder if you're listening...
I wonder where you are today

... I wish you well
For all that wishes may be worth
...
I'm with you
For the length
of your time on earth

- "Winter's Tale", Juliet Turner

Quote 72

I'm kissing you by proxy
Hope you don't mind

She's a lot like you but
she don't look like you
okay she's not you
But she'll do fine

- "Intermittently", Maybe You Should Drive, Barenaked Ladies

Achin' For Aiken

In "A Thousand Days":

If i gave you the moon
Would you know this
That i'm right beside you?

Clay? Wouldn't you have to leave someone's side in order to get the moon??

I Want...

1. That top
2. To be that orgasmic