I Have Squeezed Your Toes, And You Smiled

I love James Blunt's "Carry You Home". My favorite line:

I'm watching you breathing
For the last time

It touches me so. Every single time.

I have no idea what the lyrics mean. No matter how many times i listen. And listen i do. At first i was reminded of having your beloved sleeping beside you. Now I have a nagging suspicion it is not about a lover at all.

Tonight, as i put the tune on repeat play, my Dad comes to mind. Seemingly out of nowhere.

I have blocked him out for the longest time. I love my Dad. Have loved him so much that at times it would subsist like a dull ache.

I figure, if you don't allow someone to enter your head, you don't remember you miss them, you won't be in misery. Ever.

When i visited my parents in November, everyone noticed i was not all there. In nightmares i had been on that land, realizing it was a dream, and i would close my eyes and wake myself up. Only this time i'd close my eyes and i'd still be in that realm.

"When did you become so thin?" My Dad frowned and inquired shortly after my arrival. At dim sum. In a party of 8.

"Does it matter?" I shot back, frowning in tow.

He held up my wrist in disbelief. I flinched.

He demanded to know why. As my mother looked on. I mumbled, downplaying my incentives. Blamed pop culture.

A few days later, we were all at a park so that my nephews could play. AC was ecstatic.

I felt like a stranger amongst my family. I didn't belong. I tagged behind.

Then, in a rare moment alongside my Dad alone, he asked out of the blue, "You are not very happy, are you."

I was shocked by the honesty of the confrontation. I could literally feel my heart turn into goo. It was all i could do to fight back tears.

My Dad has always been excellent in reading me. I'd forgotten all about that. Because the last time he read me and was dead on was 15 years ago.

"No," i replied. "Not really."

We went on to have a conversation that reminded me: me and my Dad, we are built quite alike.

It was only for 5 minutes. And for the rest of my stay my mental state was never brought up again. But it was a pivot.

I am really gonna miss my Dad when he is dead.