The first week at my new job was no day at the beach. Yesterday, hungover and sleep-deprived, i was totally frazzled. The more I worried, the more stupid mistakes i made.
I went home feeling just lousy. I was sure they'd fire me before the probation period was over.
And i vowed to go to bed before 10 p.m. so i wouldn't make a fool of myself the next day.
I needed a friend. It'd been ages since JD and i had talked.
When i called, JD was on his way to fix Johnny's* wireless network. He'd be there for a couple of hours, he said.
Who's Johnny? I didn't ask. He'd said it as if i should know.
Despite his constant denial, JD has a life. I have to remember that.
Today i went to work fully recuperated, and had a wonderfully productive day. Can't drink to my heart's content on a weeknight. I have to remember that.
All of a sudden i understand what JD has been trying to tell me all this time, about the guilt and shame associated with indulgence, and the price to pay the next day... All of a sudden i forgive him for tapering off his alcoholic consumption around 3 p.m. on Sundays, and going to bed at 21:40, leaving me to watch Law & Order marathons alone.
All of a sudden we're finally on the same page. But we're not seeing each other any more.
Today, on my way home, I listened to Alanis Morissette's "You Owe Me Nothing In Return" again. It's really spoken to me lately. In the lyrics i find peace.
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance...
You can share your so-called shame-filled accounts of
times in your life and
I won't judge it...
You can ask for space for yourself... and I'll grant it
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving - it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
*Not his real name
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