Snippet 21

Henry:
Lucy, will you marry me?

Lucy:
Of course!

Henry:
Don't forget about me.

Lucy:
Never.

- 50 First Dates

Enlightenment

Elytron: The singular form of elytra, hardened wing cases à la those on beetles, which shield the fragile flight wings underneath.

Kinda like the brave front we put on every single day, cos as soon as we let our guard down, we'll be crushed. We'll never take flight again. We'll turn brittle, crumble and get blown away, winding up in a ditch. We'll moan and try to roll over and die, but we can't.

Cos we're dust. And dust is just a nuisance that everybody wishes would dissipate, but doesn't really go away. Dust just... settles.

(Oh, "dust" and "just" rhyme!)

Revelation 14

Así Es la Vida. Such is life. That's a program on KFSF, channel 20. A soup, i'm sure.

My dear friend JM used to lament all the time, That's life, after sharing another thought-provoking episode that is the saga of her life, before moving to Minnesota. We'd laugh at the helplessness we both experienced. "Lovelorn" didn't begin to describe the two of us.

I kinda thought that, after i finally got a job, it would kill a lot of the anxiety i'd felt in the past 3 years, and i'd drink a lot less automatically. Not so.

Tonight, after having been to the gym after work (i don't know how i did that), i was sore and exhausted. I even managed to take a much needed shower first. Still i yearned to drink.

There's nothing like drinking, i concluded. (I haven't had recreational drugs, but still.) As i had those first few sips, i savored the sensation of the tonic washing over me like warm liquid silk. I took in the moment with all my being.

Yep, nothing like it. Which is why, alarmingly, a part of me still aches for the times when JD and i could drink AND talk and laugh, all at the same time. Even if that was never gonna last. Even if that was never gonna quite fill the void that is ever prevalent and pervasive, more profound than i can possibly start to remedy.

On Hidden Agenda and Slip Ups

JD worries that, if we go and see Chicago together, we'll start things up again, repeating a cycle we've repeated eight times.

I'm reminded of a scene in Fever Pitch, when Ben comes around, wanting to give it another try, to which Lindsey replies:

"I was really, really hurt, Ben. Sometimes, when that happens, something inside you gets shut off."

Yeah, it's my pilot light.

So I don't think JD has to worry about me trying anything funny again. (No, not funny haha - i'm not laughing.) I just wanna see the frigging musical and cross it off my list.

Happy Birthday To Dear Rena*

I went to this kiddy birthday party thing this afternoon. Elsie my sis-in-law invited me. It was a-friend-of-a-friend sort of thing. She's very thoughtful that way. She knows i have nothing going on.

My nephew doesn't get a lot of play dates, but still way more than i've dated in my lifetime.

I accepted the invite because, yeah, it's true, what else do i have going on? And... well, who can say no to free food?!

Once i was done eating though, i looked around and saw all these couples and kids. Nothing but couples and kids.

Oh my god, i don't belong here, I screamed inside.

"Remind me not to come to one of these again for as long as i live," another voice said.

I felt nauseous.

Later on, i learned that Kay,* a friend of Elsie's, had asked her, unable to stifle ridicule, "What is your husband's sister doing here?" She actually used the phrase "tag along".

I mean, what kind of question is THAT?!! Isn't it pretty obvious i must not have anything that remotely resembles a life when i show up at one of these, when i, a single woman, should make like a social butterfly and mingle, just not HERE?! You would think someone as beautiful as herself would be more sensitive.

Ah, but isn't it the beautiful ones that are incapable of compassion. After a certain age, it's like a crime not to have a date to an event. If you can't fit in status quo by being married with children, at least have a date. Couldn't i just wanna be there for my nephew, cos i loved him? Couldn't i just wanna spend time with my bro, even if it had to be done at a despicable kiddy birthday bash?

The three-year-old birthday girl posed and grinned for every picture taken with each present unwrapped. After the fifth present, she resembled a robot.

This is how we learn to be fake. This how we grow up and lose touch with genuine emotions.

Guess what, i'm glad i don't have kids.


*Not her real name

Snippet 20

Grissom:
Sorry about your sister.

Cassie:
The dead don't bleed.

Grissom:
Death does have its advantages.

- "The Hunger Artist", CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Snippet 19

(Lindsey it chatting with her gal pals about her new guy Ben.)

Robin:
Something's not quite right.

Chubby Chick:
Robin!

R:
No, no, he's great. But he's not 22.

Lindsey:
So?

R:
So, where's he been? Why's he still on the market?

L:
Umm...

CC:
Maybe he hasn't found the right person!

R:
By now he should be with the wrong person! How has he not been tranquilized and tagged?

- Fever Pitch

Epiphany 3

On Monday i received notice from The TicketMaster that Chicago the musical is finally coming to San Francisco. Two years I waited for this. JD and i would not have missed it for the world. And now that it's here, JD and i are not seeing each other any more.

The first week at my new job was no day at the beach. Yesterday, hungover and sleep-deprived, i was totally frazzled. The more I worried, the more stupid mistakes i made.

I went home feeling just lousy. I was sure they'd fire me before the probation period was over.

And i vowed to go to bed before 10 p.m. so i wouldn't make a fool of myself the next day.

I needed a friend. It'd been ages since JD and i had talked.

When i called, JD was on his way to fix Johnny's* wireless network. He'd be there for a couple of hours, he said.

Who's Johnny? I didn't ask. He'd said it as if i should know.

Despite his constant denial, JD has a life. I have to remember that.

Today i went to work fully recuperated, and had a wonderfully productive day. Can't drink to my heart's content on a weeknight. I have to remember that.

All of a sudden i understand what JD has been trying to tell me all this time, about the guilt and shame associated with indulgence, and the price to pay the next day... All of a sudden i forgive him for tapering off his alcoholic consumption around 3 p.m. on Sundays, and going to bed at 21:40, leaving me to watch Law & Order marathons alone.

All of a sudden we're finally on the same page. But we're not seeing each other any more.

Today, on my way home, I listened to Alanis Morissette's "You Owe Me Nothing In Return" again. It's really spoken to me lately. In the lyrics i find peace.

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance...
You can share your so-called shame-filled accounts of
times in your life and
I won't judge it...
You can ask for space for yourself... and I'll grant it

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving - it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return


*Not his real name

Epiphany 2

Today is my first day back in the workforce after three years. I woke up at 4:20 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I guess i was nervous. And i was afraid i'd have trouble getting up early!

Last week in CBT (Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy), i was bored because we spent a considerable amount of time in relaxation exercise, and anxiety i had none. Along comes a new job and boom, plenty of anxiety. Funny how that works.

Not used to a contiguous eight-hour day, i was exhausted by 2:30 p.m.

At the end of the day i did feel a tinge of hunger, but stopping somewhere to get food was unthinkable. All i wanted to do was to race home and relax.

And once i'd had a few sips of wine, my hunger was gone. Peace was restored once again. All in the world was good. At least for a while.

I can skip dinner all the time, I thought.

OMG, i've turned into JD.

(Read JD's posts on racing home: 042706, 040706.)

My Nephew the Subverter

My nephew AC is at that age where he defies authority every chance he gets. The way he adamantly protests parental commands by solemnly repeating, "No, no, no..." just cracks me up.

Today my brother W pays me a visit with his family.Within a 19-minute stay, AC manages to erase all the messages on my answering machine. This act leaves me in awe. How does he know which button is "erase", and that pressing it twice will obliterate all digital data??

I'm left with a profound sense of loss. Apparently some messages I have saved for sentimental reasons.

W literally kidnaps me from my home. My guess is that he senses that i have been spending entirely too much time alone, and that i've been up to no good in my solitude.

I don't do well when unprepared. "I would've brought a book," I tell W.

"We'll watch The Village," W cheerily replies. He knows i've been meaning to see the film but have been too scared to do it alone.

"It's not even that scary," W assures me.

Course, when we get to W's, AC insists in watching his DVD's. W winds up taking a nap.

I experience a minor panic attack. What do i do?!!

Ahh... Nothing a screwdriver can't fix. The drink, not the tool.

When i finally get home after dinner, i realize that The Ron Clark Story hasn't been taped like i set it up, because my nephew AC has pressed "eject" on my VCR earlier.

AC has sabotaged me twice today. How did he do it? The kid is a genius!

Yet i find it impossible to be mad at the little guy. Is it love? Or is it just that i'm a wuss, always feeling unentitled?

Idle tete-a-tete 2

Tandy* my therapist called me up on Friday to check in on me.

"You've been on my mind for some reason," she said.

I was touched. No one has called to check in with me since... i can't even remember.

I told her how those "pleasure activities" they tell you to do bring no pleasure whatsoever at times.

She was incredulous. "You mean you can't picture yourself sitting outside Starbucks, reading, or just watching nature, or the people walking by?"

I didn't tell her. But no, i can't. Why would i wanna expose myself to exhaust fumes, UV rays and strangers, when i can read in the comfort of my own home?!

The healthiest thing i've done for myself lately is to switch from syrupy cocktails to wine. I'm no hardcore connoisseur. I prefer sissy, palate-friendly varieties - the likes of Arbor Mist and Wild Vines.

At this point the only arguably "real" wine i pick up is white zinfandel. Because it's not dry. Dry is not a good thing when it comes to wine if you ask me. It's not so good for physical intimacy either. But ah, a sense of humor can stand to be dry.


*Not her real name

Reflection

Is it me or does her mirrored image appear more voluptuous than her on this side? By the way she used to be so much hotter in the early days. (This leopard print thing notwithstanding.) But she couldn't leave well enough alone. She's apparently heard of "less is more", but regretfully in later years she has chosen to apply that philosophy to the fabric that graces her skin. If only she could see how outrageously beautiful she is, she would know she didn't have to try so hard.

Snippet 18

Frasier:
(Referring to Jen, Roz's younger, more energetic cousin) C'mon, she's running you ragged!

Roz:
I run around all the time!

Frasier:
Sure, maybe in your twenties!

Roz:
Hey, there's a lot of candy left in this piñata!

(Later)

Jen:
What happened to you?

Roz:
I'm old!

- Frasier

Epiphany

I saw my 21-month old nephew AC today. I hadn't spent a lot of time with him lately.

He's been kinda nonchalant with me, which has provided a recluse like me even less incentive to try. I'm comfortable to slip back in the routine thinking pattern, "Why bother?"

Tonight i watched parts of a Barney DVD with him, which, believe me, is no small feat. Let's just say I'm not known for my patience.

When i got involved, AC actually turned to me and smiled, as if to say, "Hey, you get it! You get me!"

It was then when i realized, any relationship is a two-way street, even for a toddler. You have to make an effort. Only then can you have peace if it doesn't work out. You can't expect to sow unless you reap. And let's face it, sowing is a pain in the butt. But if you don't do it, you've got no right to complain.

Feedback on Feedback 2

Tom of Vancouver, Canada was nice enough to comment on my last post, a real comment in a while. And a comment with teeth, no less. I admire that. (Shit, i said "nice" there, didn't i. Oops.)

Nobody wants to be called "a nice guy" (or gal), cos that's what they say when they wanna break up with you but are afraid to hurt your feelings. That's what they say when you don't have anything going for ya. Because if you're so "nice", why are they breaking up with you? That's bullshit. I say, bring it on, if my personality just doesn't thrill ya, if i'm not skinny enough, or if i'm just overall not your type, period. But bring it on, buster, bring it on. And do not, i repeat, do NOT, call me nice.

Feedback on Feedback

Even since i signed up for The Great Blog Experiment i've been getting more comments on my blog. However, a lot are irrelevant to my site. In fact they are mostly self-promotional.

Until last night (well, this morning really) when someone said, in response to Quote 8, that mine was "a nice site". Nice? That seemed odd to me that you should call what i express here "nice". Perhaps that was a generic response, non-specific to me.

But then there was another one, in response to Revelation 12, stating that my site provided information for "beginners like [themselves]". Gee i wonder if they meant beginners in drowning their sorrow with alcohol, or if they were bipolar newbies. Hmm. Either way, i hope their sentiment was genuine.

Idle tete-a-tete

This is an omelette with baby bella (as in portobella; literally, little beauties!), seafood and parsley flakes. Looks scrumptious, doesn't it?

I just love 'em mushrooms. (Fungi don't sound too appetizing, now, do they?) I stick with seafood, imitation crab included (which is just euphemism for "fake",) cos i can't deal with meat. Dont' get me wrong, i like meat. I just don't know what to do with it. (There's a joke in there somewhere.)

I haven't found fulfillment in cooking in a while. But today, even though I got up close to noon, I was still inspired to make something that resembled breakfast. Even though I swore I was gonna eat healthy for a while, I found myself pouring oil in a saucepan yet again.

But look how lovely it turned out! Almost took my mind off the fact i couldn't leave the house all day.

That's My Heart There On My Sleeve

I still experience a sense of loss. I'm still mourning that guy who has ceased to exist.

I recall that last day when JD cheerfully announced that he had bought me shrimp cocktail. And he took the platter out of its bag to flaunt it. That was quite a change in scenery, considering I’m usually the one who goes out and buys us food.

That was so sweet. Something i’m not used to. Cos i never feel worthy.

But nothing could cheer me up that day. Not when I knew he didn’t want me around on Sunday. Not when it was our 8th breakup, even though, according to him, we had never made up to begin with, not when he “could never be there.”

How could he care more about me, when he scarcely cared about his own precarious life?

Later that night, I told him, “You know I’m seriously depressed when I walk out on TN.*”

It’s true. I liked and preferred the drunken JD. He was a lot more fun, and a lot more into me. Well, not toward the end. But still. It’s no wonder that to this day I miss that guy when i’m in a drunken stupor.

Just a habit of association.

"Even though we're best friends," he'd said. "We're detrimental to one another."

I'm paraphrasing. "Detrimental" is mine.

I’ve done my best to make him happy. And he, to the best of his ability, given his restrained capability, has tried his best. At the end, it didn’t matter what we did or how hard we’d tried.

It’s okay, I can face the facts. But Lord, i miss that guy.


*TN stands for Tasty Nourishments. It’s one of our private jokes, because sometimes I cannot pronounce “food” quite right.

Crossroads

Big things are happening.

Yesterday I opened and preserved a bottle of wine all by myself, thanks to the user-friendly products by VacuVin and Metrokane. I highly recommend them to individuals like myself who wish to celebrate independence, but don't quite have the physical strength or patience to wrestle with a dumb bottle.

I went on yet another interview yesterday. The president actually remarked, "You're quite independent, aren't you?" I was astonished that I'd conveyed that.

I've also hopped back in the online dating scene, which is probably unwise, given that i'm not quite healed, but i desperately need to feel i'm back in the swing of things and i'm quite alright.

The scene is slim pickings, which is probably the best thing for me now. Can't say I'm entirely surprised either. At least i feel like i'm doing something.

Vague questions such as "What do you do in your leisure time?" and "What are your strengths?" stump me. For one thing I'm only rediscovering what having spare time means. I'm certain others at my age have more figured out at this stage than I do.

But at least I feel driven to be a better person.

JD is at his worse in terms of utter depression. I used to resent when he said our being together enabled us both to continue drinking. We are so compatible, we should be so perfect. I refused to acquiesce to defeat. And tonight, after he's abstained for 2 days, I see that he's been right all along after all. I hate to admit it, but i see it now. It's not easy for me to admit being wrong.

Perhaps it was best that it didn't work out between us after all. Perhaps he'll seek help now, as difficult and painful as it's been for him to fathom going back in therapy. And I'm getting better and feeling freer as a person, liberated from anxiety of trying to win unattainable love. If this is what it takes, then let it rip, Guy Upstairs.

A few weeks ago a friend from school sent me one of those chain letters. "Make a wish... But if you don't forward this to 27 people, your wish won't come true." Well, I'm a little old to believe in that shit. But i did make a wish that day. I wished that JD and I would be happier and healthier, even if it meant we would be apart.

I didn't forward that email. But looks like my wish came true after all.

Ode to Mint Julep's Cuban Cousin

I made mojito for the first time today, purportedly one of Ernest Hemingway's favorites. How appropriate, since he was also a depressive that resorted to drinking. Plus he committed suicide, to boot. Like his father before him. There is something romantic about that kind of tragedy.

I almost feel like I'm a betrayal to the great Mr. Hemingway, as I know i'm feeling pretty good about myself because today i actually bought a bunch of fresh things at the grocery store. You know, things you actually have to cook before you can eat them.

My concoction here was inspired by a Bacardi recipe. I replaced the lime with lemon, and since I didn't have club soda, I tried a splash of tonic, which worked fine when I wisely reduced the sugar.

There's just something very invigorating about the ritual of making something (relatively) from scratch. There's nothing like having fresh lemon juice drip down your fingertips as you squeeze a half with your bare hands cos you don't have no fancy juicer. Believe me, this is way more labor-intensive than the mixers I'm used to. But so worth it! Mmm... But obviously can't do it when really tanked. I'd crushed a finger along with them mint leaves.

Snippet 17

Sylvia Moon:
(Whiny) You don't know... You don't know what it's like.

Detective Goren:
What? To work so hard, and still be a nobody?

Moon:
(Sobs) Yes!

Goren:
Welcome to the human race.

- Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Lamentation on Comcast

Last night, once again, I lost my internet connection. I was getting no signal. Zilch. I am such a disgruntled customer of Comcast, I won't even reiterate all my instances of disappointment. After all, the details don't matter.

So today I had to stick around during the 4-hour window a technician was scheduled to pay me a visit. After all that waiting and much ado, the guy couldn't even do a thing to restore my connection. The line was bad. He said he had to bring his lead to evaluate the implementation of installing a new line. They may charge me $108 for the job, or nothing. But not till Tuesday.

That's two days away! Even then, Rinaldi* goes on to explain, they may decide they can't work on it right away.

"And if I don't get to come around, I'll definitely call you," he says.

What?! You shitting me?

The prospect of not having internet connection was leaving me very distraught. And the fact that he couldn't promise ONE single thing was driving my stress level through the roof. I expressed my frustration.

"I mean, do you work on your computer?" Rinaldi inquired. "Or do you just browse?"

OMG! I almost screamed right then and there. What do you care? I may be a pedophile desperately lurking in chatrooms every single night wishing to make a hit, all the while compulsively downloading kiddy porn. All you need to know is that I pay for your overpriced service every goddamned month, and by god, is it too much to actually expect the service to be up and running? Jesus Moses Mother of Pearl!


*Not his real name

Soliloquy

I saw this on the rear of a truck yesterday. First i thought, awww... that's more romance than i've gotten in a while. Then i thought, well, he probably just wants to get in her pants, then leave her for dead. And then i thought, hey, fish don't wear pants.

Quote 12

The time between meeting
And finally leaving is
Sometimes called falling in love.

- Lisa Loeb

Quote 11

It matters more who we're with than what we do. If you're gonna marry someone, it might as well be your best friend.

- Sarah, Rumor Has It