Perhaps I Should've Waited Till the 40th

39 years ago, my maternal grandfather jumped off the roof of the Supreme Court and killed himself, causing my mother to have to postpone her wedding for a year. (Cultural taboo)

When I get asked the question "Are you suicidal?" (cuz that's such an icebreaker at parties!), I always reply, "I think about it all the time, but I don't think I'll actually do it."

Because of my grandfather whom i never met (obviously), i have very unswayed views on suicide: it's the most cowardly and selfish thing to do to those who love you. You leave them wondering, not knowing, blaming, for the rest of their lives. That's like ultimate bad karma. Polluting the universe exponentially.

So essentially i wish death would come for me. But i'm certainly not gonna go out of my way to implement a master plan.

When i was old enough for my mother to stop fudging Grandpa's cause of death, she actually once mused, "Had i known the severance was gonna be so painful, i wouldn't have gotten as close to him as i did."

Incredulous, i cried, "What?!!" I simply could not accept these words had come out of this woman's mouth. I adamantly disagreed. I would think the pain down the road is still worth the bond a parent and a child share, and the irreplaceable time spent together. Why would you wish different?

'Sides, love never dies, right?

Course, i was in my 20's. I loved a good argument, especially with my mother. (How unoriginal!) I didn't see her as an individual who is just as subject to suffering and anguish as the rest of humankind.

I knew nothing about death, or love. I don't know more today.

Time and again i ponder the fact that, if not for my grandfather's untimely demise, I would not be in existence. It took that egg and that sperm. That point in time.

It was almost as if he died in order for me to live. Why? It seems wrong.

Note to self: don't commit suicide unless you can delay someone's wedding. But only if a worthy child can be born as a result.


Correction