Jitters

I have a date on Friday. It's been a while.

Everybody gets nervous before a date. But my fear is escalating to the point of paralyzing.

Aside from the usual fear of rejection or disappointment, i really wanna call it off, move to Tahiti and be alone forever.

I am fearful of change. I didn't realize it until last night when we were making the date.

The other day, when i was doing crunches in the nude on the floor in the living room, i realized, Wow, i have it pretty good. I'm doing crunches in the nude on the floor in the living room. Cuz i damned well please.

Do i really want to bring a foreign element in my life? And i couldn't possible be a positive element in someone's life. I would just wreck it. And wreck mine in the process.

But if this is really how i feel, what the fuck am i doing with online dating? Goes back to the self-sabotage i have mentioned before.

This is the most interesting guy i have met in a while. He's artistic, spiritual, intelligent, and funny. And he's not averse to texting and IM-ing. Bonus: He lives only minutes away. And from what i gather, he thinks i'm mighty special. What more could a gal ask for?!??

When he first wrote me my reaction was, "Finally, someone good-looking!"

And i was giddy for a few days. As a matter of fact i was reminded of when i first started chatting with JD. Then i felt vulnerable all over again.

After setting the date, i was like, What have i done?!!

I always do this. First i'm like, I don't even know if i like him! Next thing you know, i'm jumping his bones. And somewhere down the line things blow up in my face.

And i feel really, really fat.