And You May Quote Me 11

If there is beauty in imperfection, you and i are ridiculously gorgeous.

Epiphany 9

There is this vexing, persistent discomfort in my stomach that's almost a borderline dull ache. My crankiness steadily escalates for about half an hour.

Then i realize: It's hunger!

There's a First For Everything

For two days in a row now, i've had to dot concealer on the hickey i got from last Friday. So i can go to work appearing decent. Applying cosmetics on my neck is kinda weird. But i blend pretty well. (Ha! The meaning is two-fold.)

Note to self: Buy more concealer.

Quote 46

Take it or leave it
Slow down, slow down
i can stay awake for you
if you can stay awake for me
You're broken to break down...

i'm not so sure
So wait and see.

I don’t think I can trust love anymore
i don’t think i can trust love anymore...

- "Slow Down", Australia, Howie Day

Taylor

This morning, in a semiconscious state, i heard breathing. How sweet of the person lying next to me... Concentrating to listen, i involuntarily drew in a deep breath and woke myself up.

Then the breathing stopped.

There was no one next to me. I was in my own bed.

Peregrination 2

Today was mandatory half-day off work. Instead of sitting at the Giants game with work folks, i bailed promptly at 12:35 p.m., 5 minutes after the national anthem was sung.

After treating myself to a tall soy mocha, i went home. My date got postponed so now i got an extra hour to dwindle. It was so nice out, i had to do something.

I went bikeriding - the first time after i'd gotten the rear brakes adjusted. Feeling like i was finally soaring, i went all the way up to the downtown area, dashing by cafe folks on the sidewalk. I took my time exploring - something i hadn't done since i'd moved here 2 years ago. I would not have the patience on foot, and driving is not quite the same experience since you are so sheltered.

Biking is different. You get that 360° panoramic advantage. You have wind in your hair. Heck, wind under your wings, you are so gliding.

I was exhilirated and proud. Just totally basking in the summer sun. No more fear of getting too dark of a tan (thereby violating the Asian aesthetic ideal), just as i didn't care when i was 15.

To finish off i returned to my friendly neighborhood park with the fountains which today through my lenses totally looked an eerie green. There is this narrow bridge of concrete plates with gaps and no railings that i've always been afraid to ride across in fear of toppling over and landing in the water, making a spectacle of myself. That is, always been afraid, until today.

I thought to myself: Today could be one of those days of vindication and self-affirmation - just like in the movies - one of those scenes where the protagonist wins over fear, and the orchestra soars.

And i did it. I grinned.

I got off my bike to take in the sound of running water and the leaves rustling. My face was misted by tiny droplets when the wind hit the gush just right. I wanted to remember that moment: So happy to be alive. So glad i moved here. I finally owned my 'hood!

And for once, when a date changes plans, i go, "OK, life happens... There'll be other times..." and i go doing something by myself cuz i want to, cuz it is fun. Not cuz i go, "Fine! I guess i'll do something by myself!", and be secretly fuming.

Oh how i've grown!

Love Is Not...

Love is not...

A field of lavender blossoms in the South of France

Love is not...

Releasing a helium-filled balloon mid-air in hopes it will reach your dead lover in heaven

Love is not...

An angel willing to lose his wings shedding a tear (plop!) because he sees you crying

Love is not...

When you reminisce to "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles while he has a burnt CD of Led Zeppelin in the 6-disc changer in his car

Quote 45

I can feel it's on your mind
Kristina falls down to the floor
She is smiling
It's alright...

No one had ever looked at me
Like you
Before you
Before you did

- "Kristina", Australia, Howie Day

Quote 44

There's a lot of things that
i don't want to know.
But you're the only face
i recognize
It's so damned sweet of you
To look me in the eyes

... i believe i'm the same
I get carried away...

The world seems bigger
than both of us
Yet it seems so small
When i begin to cry.

- "I Think God Can Explain", Halfway Down the Sky, Splender

On a Closed Path

Yesterday i stood in front of this plague and read it several times. I wasn't sure what the passage meant. But there was a sadness behind it. And somehow it touched me.

Today i read it again. Still not sure what it means to me, or if i agree. But anything thought-provoking is worth sharing.

Lost and Found

Plagued by anger (my least favorite negative emotion) and desperate for inspiration/enlightenment, i headed for Borders after work today.

I gingerly walked toward "Self Help". I didn't even know what i was looking for. There was agony in browsing. I spotted this book called "Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can't Find (or Keep) Your Prince". OMG. I was intrigued. But i dared not look inside.

Then i came across Dr. Dyer's "There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem", and i had no problem picking it up. I perused through a few chapters. Finally i read, "If you do not [this and that], you do not know God."

Calling god God is just too Christian for me. I had to put it down.

And so i wandered on to "Religion". Christianity, pass. Catholicism, pass. Judaism, pass. Islam, pass. Symbolically, i arrived at "Eastern Thoughts" last.

I recognized the name Thich Nhat Hanh from one of my Religious Studies classes of recent past. And there's always The Tao of Pooh.

There was even "The Road to Enlightenment" if i would just reach out for it.

I chose not to.

As i walked out, empty-handed, the sun blinded me. I felt instantly overpowered and devoid. Numbly i walked on.

Suddenly i noticed the beautiful topiary-like things that graced both sides of the crosswalk - vine-like, with red bell-shaped flowers (i'm poor in identifying plants). I was grateful to have seen them. What a gorgeous sight in the July sun. The same sun that warmed the skin on my bare arms.

Maybe there's hope for me after all, a soft voice whispered in my head. I don't fully believe it. But it's there.

iTunes

2,367 songs occupying 9.70 GB of hard disk space that could play for 6.5 days... And not one song, not ONE expresses how i feel right now.

Gotta luv it.

Stoneflower

There is a Persian song, the only song in Persian i can sing a verse of, called, literally, "I Am a Stoneflower". I'm sure the bloom has a name in English. I just don't know what it is.

An excerpt:

What can i speak
of my heart in a knot*
Like the Sun
If for me You don't shine
I'm cold and discolored.


*Literally "tightened heart", an expression used when missing someone

No Caption Necessary

And You May Quote Me 10

My latest romantic encounter was like a roller coaster ride, thrilling and fast. Then my car fell off the rail.

Life is a four-letter word. I can't keep dusting myself off when it's a fucking sandstorm.

Know What?

Sex is the most effective mid-section toning technique. No floor exercise or machine compares. Not even close.

Damn it i'm gonna be flabby again!

I Tell My Brain

Would you please go to sleep?!!?

No Past, No Future

On Sunday morning, after 36 marvelous hours, i said goodbye to someone who could've been the love of my life.

We held each other at the door. "Meet up next week?" He muttered. "Or are you tired of me already?"

I chuckled, "You silly..."

As i walked toward my car, i wanted to turn back and glance at him. But i was afraid he would've already turned away and closed the door. Then i would feel foolish.

And so i looked straight ahead and kept walking. "Maybe next time," i thought.

As fate turned out, that was our last goodbye. There would be no "next time".

Always seize the moment as if it were your last. Cuz you never know.

May It Sizzle

I have a pretty old microwave that comes with the apartment. It does not even have a digital clock and keypad. It has knobs.

When something is done, instead of "beep beep beep", it goes "Ding!"

Sometimes, for whatever mechanical reason, the ding doesn't go off. When that happens, you can almost hear the blast die down as the machine sighs in frustration.

It's like waiting for an orgasm that never comes.*


*This is no reflection on my recent experience : )

All In a Day's Work 5

This afternoon my dentist Dr. Bloom* asked me how often i flossed.

"Honestly," i replied. "About once a week."

Dr. Bloom was kind enough not to lecture me. "Baby steps," she said. And turned away to continue writing in my chart.

"Unless i eat chicken," i added. "Then i have to."

She turned back to me. "Well, then," said Dr. Bloom. "Eat chicken often!"


*Not her real name

Quote 40

How long till
this goes away?
She says she wants
to be friends...
She says she says she says
She's sorry
With one finger
I say, "Fuck that!"

- "How Long", Extreme Behavior, Hinder

Misery

I think i may have developed an ulcer. If you feel a gaping hole in your viscera, that's usually the case.

Guess my habits are finally catching up with me. Poppin' ibuprofen like candy since i got off physical therapy... Caffeine addiction... And alcohol consumption doesn't help either, i'm sure.

Having constant pain (severity varies) is keeping me from getting restful sleep. I find myself cranky at work. Road rage returns with a vengeance.

Still, cutting 3 habits all at once seems unfathomable.

Yeah, i'm a catch alright.

Dream

Someone with cerebral palsy dies in my arms tonight.

Jitters

I have a date on Friday. It's been a while.

Everybody gets nervous before a date. But my fear is escalating to the point of paralyzing.

Aside from the usual fear of rejection or disappointment, i really wanna call it off, move to Tahiti and be alone forever.

I am fearful of change. I didn't realize it until last night when we were making the date.

The other day, when i was doing crunches in the nude on the floor in the living room, i realized, Wow, i have it pretty good. I'm doing crunches in the nude on the floor in the living room. Cuz i damned well please.

Do i really want to bring a foreign element in my life? And i couldn't possible be a positive element in someone's life. I would just wreck it. And wreck mine in the process.

But if this is really how i feel, what the fuck am i doing with online dating? Goes back to the self-sabotage i have mentioned before.

This is the most interesting guy i have met in a while. He's artistic, spiritual, intelligent, and funny. And he's not averse to texting and IM-ing. Bonus: He lives only minutes away. And from what i gather, he thinks i'm mighty special. What more could a gal ask for?!??

When he first wrote me my reaction was, "Finally, someone good-looking!"

And i was giddy for a few days. As a matter of fact i was reminded of when i first started chatting with JD. Then i felt vulnerable all over again.

After setting the date, i was like, What have i done?!!

I always do this. First i'm like, I don't even know if i like him! Next thing you know, i'm jumping his bones. And somewhere down the line things blow up in my face.

And i feel really, really fat.

All In a Day's Work 4

Toward the end of the day, assistant manager Josh* came in my office to shred some confidential documents. Before long, the shredder sounded like when you slow down a record on a turntable (my god that's a dated reference). I thought, "Uh oh, he's killing it."

Typical man, eager to shove a thick stack in a narrow slit.

To up the hilarity, he started struggling with it à la tug-o-war, going, "Eat it! Eat it!"

I almost lost it and burst out laughing - biting my lip didn't work. I had to leave the room.


*Not his real name

Cruelty

In the July issue of The Wave Magazine, there is an interview with Rufus Wainwright.

I know... It's a Brit thing. But who would name a child Rufus? It rhymes with dufus!

Vignette 4

Driving Denisse around town on Saturday, my keys dangled over my naked knee, gracing it intermittently. It hurt.

I later discovered i had a cut on my knee.

"That's funny," i turned to Denisse and remarked. "I don't remember having been on my knees lately."

We laughed.

Parable 2

Last weekend, with the sun in my eye, I watched Denisse the salsa virgin sway with a Latin stranger. She had such natural rhythm and ease, i smiled. Even with a few lessons under my belt, i'm not nearly as graceful.

Later back at the table, after complimenting her, i told Denisse, "I don't know why... I get the beat just fine when i'm on my own. As soon as i'm with a partner, i'm all over the place."

"A parallel to my life," i added, and grinned.

Denisse threw her head back in laughter.

You Know You Have Issues When...

... Coyote Ugly makes you want to cry.

Alternative Rx

Friday IA and i had a girl's night out before she shipped out the next day (haha).

IA is one of those friends whom i see no more than once a year but when we get together again, it's as though there's been no gap. On this night it was only dessert as IA doesn't drink (*scream*!!!!!) but we had a blast. If laughter is the best medicine, we were really poppin'.

"You can't get this infectious laugh from email," IA said, indicating that, not only did she miss laughing with me, she'd missed my laugh.

The concept that someone actually likes the way i laugh is foreign to me. Growing up, my boisterous ways were always curbed and frowned upon. In adulthood, whatever comment my friends may have (i think they usually call it "unique") would just make me self-conscious and stop laughing. Others who didn't call attention to it i figured didn't mind it as it was a non-issue. It was as if on this night, for the first time in my life, i considered someone could actually like my laugh, not just tolerate it.

I told IA how my laugh would be considered unladylike, especially in Asia where women are expected to behave demurely. Except in the bedroom. (I didn't say the last part.)

IA threw me this incredulous glance. "It's so hearty!" She said of my laugh.

Aww... i'm hearty. Like chicken soup. Slurp up, folks. I say, slurp up.

Read the Excerpts

I was slightly dismayed this morning to read that Howie Day was at Promises Rehab in Malibu, California, back in February this year. (What dismayed me more, i admit, was that Britney Spears got to hang out with him.) After all, he looks so wholesome.

Should've known from his exquisitely tormented sounds on Australia. 'Sides, who am i to judge? Having demons makes him that much more intriguing.

Looks sure can be deceiving. (Let's shove the book cover adage.) I should know. I've been told time and again (or it's been implied) i have a smile that says i'm all good with the world. I say, Ha!

The difference is that i mean it when i smile. I mean it when i laugh, too, for that matter. Life is not worth it if you can't be genuine. I own the good along with the bad. It's all... good. (LOL! How's that for a pseudo-zen moment?!?)

Moniker Monkey

See how my Starbucks alias "Phoebe" got spelled today on my tall soy raspberry mocha (Yum!). You should've seen the expression on the barista's face when she tried to pronounce it. Totally worth the $3.45!

My Nephew the Hero 2

Today, for the first time, my nephew AC addresses me above and beyond salutations and greetings.

In English: He used to call me "Goo Goo"* only after saying "hi" and "bye" and "thank you". Today, with no coersion whatsoever, he actually gets my attention by opening with "Goo Goo", then talks to me.

Granted, i had no clue what the hell he was saying. But i felt that he had initiated a "real" convo with me for the first time. And i listened. Even though i still didn't know what the heck he was saying, it was a sweet connection.

AC's parents sometimes divert his attention in order to catch a break to get things done. Tonight, Elsie told him to "go sit with Goo Goo on the couch".

Course, the little boy wouldn't sit still. He kinda paced back and forth. When he drew near he'd kinda lean over as if about to lose balance so i'd have to get ready to grab hold of him. It dawned on me: He wanted a hug. So i did, and he smiled bashfully. And turned his cheek. I gave him a peck, going, "Mmmmaahh!" but not too hard cuz, knowing me, never wanting to impose. He giggled. And dashed away. Then quickly returned for a second drill.

"Mmmmaahh!" Again I pressed my lips lightly on his soft cheek. His grin brightened the entire living room.

I couldn't believe that my nephew really did want me to kiss him. I felt like Sally Field giving her Oscar speech upon winning for Norma Rae: You like me! You really, really like me!


*Childspeak for "Auntie" (specifically "father's sister") in Cantonese

Not a Sound From the Pavement

The elephant is my nephew AC's favorite animal.

Last Sunday, during a visit at my place (he loves it here btw - it's strange and familiar all at once), he discovered in my CD collection The Black Eyed Peas' Elephunk.

Delighted by the grey elephant image on the cover, he helped himself to it and proceeded to open it.

Against his mother's advice, AC removed the CD from the case, to be further titillated by yet another elephant image underneath.

He then joyfully approached the TV, intending to play the disc like a DVD, which at the ripe age of 2 years and 8 months he'd done on many occassions like a pro.

He's no fool, mind you. He's learned the "eject" icon and knows its universal nature. Only this time my VHS tape got expelled. (Yes, i'm a little behind the times.)

"Uh oh," Elsie dramatized to stop his escapade. "TV broke!"

"Uh oh!" AC repeated after his mother. And left the devices alone.

The recollection makes me smile. You never know what's gonna pop in your head to kill the restlessness and rescue you from nocturnal damnation, as i call it.

Words

Melodically, I don't like Katharine McPhee's hit "Over It". Don't get me wrong, i love McPhee's voice. And she's hot. The song just doesn't do her justice.

And i'm not fond of the lyrics either.

I'm so over it...

If you were really over someone, you wouldn't be singing about them any more.

If you read my blog, you know that i know what i'm takin' 'bout.

Homework

My best friend IA is in town.

This morning, realizing she's arriving today, i viewed in panic mode the albums of her kids she sent me weeks ago. In case, you know, she quizzes me on them.

I couldn't view them when i first got them two months ago cuz i was too depressed to look at happy pictures of happy people. Then i accidentally deleted a bunch of emails in outright drunkenness, and had to ask IA to resend them. She did, and i still had to wait till i absolutely had to...

Cuz you gotta do your homework to keep up that normal person façade, you know.

Much like the night before i met Angry Guy, even though i was dead tired & totally resentful, i reread his online profile so i wouldn't draw blanks during our conversation and appear a complete idiot. Only to be greeted with inquiries that would be readily answered by rereading my profile before the first date. Icing on the cake was his shrugging and sneering, "Cuz, you know, i don't have your profile memorized."

To which i replied, "Course not. That would be ridiculous!"

I have been an overachiever for too long. Sometimes it's OK to get a C.

I Part With You 2

In response to NSNM's comment to my last entry, i'd like to state:

Alcohol numbs my senses but frees my mind, opens my heart and heightens my soul.

Some nights i have so much to get out, and i just can't write. Not until i have self-medicated. I guess sobriety is my autism - I'm so bombarded and overwhelmed. Drinking puts things into perspective. I can... relax. Instead of rocking back and forth, chanting, and banging my head on the wall over and over.

As a matter of fact, my next-door neighbor insists that i continue drinking : )

I Part With You

You know you're drunk when you listen to "Con Te Partiro" by Andrea Bocelli and you think you understand the lyrics. In Italian.

Revelation 25

It's official. I'm shallow.

I used to believe the likes of The Truth About Cats & Dogs, which, of course, is a twist on Roxanne, which, of course, is a twist on Cyrano de Bergerac.

Obviously i identify with Janeane Garofalo - short, brunette, quick-witted, falls thru the cracks. No guy would pick Garofalo over Uma Thurman. That's just preposterous. But for the longest time a teensy piece of me chose to believe that could happen.

And now i've become someone who won't go for a big-nosed poet. No matter how amazingly he might write, or how adoring he may seem.

In my last post, i mused that i'm a loner for no valid reason. Now i suspect the inclination has been reinforced by growing cynicism. If you don't believe, you can't be disappointed. While pushing others away may feel like weaving a safety net, it's self-sabotage in essence. And that subconscious effort goes way beyond romantic prospects.

Self-psychoanalysis hurts my head.