What's Next, Godiva?

Today i had a huge craving for fried food. So i had McDonald's for both lunch and dinner.

The mere fact that i actually ate twice was quite shocking.

Once again, the desire to draw near someone has triggered my brain to tell my body to get fat, so I'll be less lovable. Cos less lovable = less likely to get hurt.

Which is ridiculous. Who says my rail-thin self is more lovable than my fat-ass self? Both are equally unlovable.

(Ha! Good one.)

Not like i supersize it or anything. Tonight, upon reviewing my order of Filet O Fish, "just the sandwich, not the meal", the cashier asked, "That's it?"

I'm sure she's not aware of more tactful alternatives such as "Will that be all for you?", or "Anything else tonight?"

Or, maybe she really did mean, "That's it? A lousy $2.59 sandwich? No fries or soda?! You pathetic loser you!"

On a Clear Day...

In a recent conversation, Denisse laments, "Either i don't get any attention from guys, or i get attention from unattractive guys."

"Ditto!" I reply.

Today I cancelled my membership with eDetri, the online dating service I've been with for half a year. It was a giant relief. Now celibacy is on my own volition.

It's like you walk in the butcher's thinking you're gonna get choice tenderloin, but you've taken too long, and all that's left available is ground pork.

And who wants ground pork?

Well, unless you're making fried wontons.

And one more thing... "The butcher's"? What is this, the 19th century? Or... New York?

Friday nights can still be tough. I still hurt my pretty little head trying to figure out why Matt doesn't initiate communication, like, ever. There could be a million reasons why. He could have too much on his plate right now. He could be an insensitive jerk. Or, he really is a decent human being, but he just doesn't care that much about me.

All legit reasons.

But he seems to have so much fun with me. And he says so. He goes, "I have so much fun with you!"

Yesterday, i had to call him about work. He sounded so happy to hear from me.

Course, he was with a client and couldn't stay on. He said he'd call me back. He didn't.

So he likes me a little. It's nothing to turn one's life upside down over.

Just a Thought

There's this Thai place near work. I love Thai. The food is pretty decent. Not the best, I must say. But it'll do.

I don't do much for myself. Lunch is my only treat. It's my pat on the head, miming, "Hey, i still love you!"

The place is always busy. If you get there after 12:30 p.m., there's a line.

I always get there shortly after noon and the hostess asks, "How many?"

"One," I say, raising my index finger.

"By yourself?" She asks.

I don't know why she always needs to respond with that. My guess is that, in her language, it's a perfectly neutral inquisition. An affirmation even, perhaps.

But we're in America. YES, I'M ALL BY MYSELF, OKAY? There's no one to have lunch with, no one to share life with, NO ONE in my life. Are you happy?

Up, Up, And Away

Boy it's good not to be hung up on anyone.

Haven't heard from JD in weeks. On some level i think, "Has he forgotten about me?" But truth is, he has his own battle to fight. We both do. And it's okay.

I still have to maintain that it's fun to be bipolar and i wouldn't trade it for the world, for i had such a high this past weekend, i couldn't remember the last time i was so grateful to be alive.

I was hardly home. Friday night, i met with my online group, and brought Matt along. Matt did act smitten at times. I wish it was more definite, but i'll take what i can get. I exuded so much confidence, i had so much fun, i didn't recognize myself.

Saturday, spent quality time with my brother and his, then caught Music and Lyrics with Denisse. Truth be told, we both want to be portrayed as tough chicks, but (good) romantic comedies are our guilty pleasure. And i have to say this one is surprisingly well done. I laughed my ass off! It's been years since i've seen one that's actually romantic and funny.

Denisse admits to finding Hugh Grant special. I find it remarkable, since JD does, too.

Saturday night was feverish drinking and dancing as usual for me and Denisse. At this place she found, you don't even have to be a VIP to be allowed access to a couch - a true lounge. Thank God. We had us a blast. I even got to turn down and make fun of guys.

Of course on Monday morning i wonder if it's bad karma to do so.

This weekend it's Denisse's turn to come down south. Tonight I mustered up enough strength to head over to IKEA for necessary bedding supplies.

On a shampoo night, too, for christ's sake.

I felt good strolling around IKEA. I actually browsed. I wasn't worried about traffic on the way back. Or running out of time to drink. I took my time. I actually enjoyed myself.

Normal people take this peace for granted, you see.

But i got the wrong size quilt cover anyway. I'd thought it would be funny if, after driving all this way, i'd neglect to ensure the right size... And I did!

But even that didn't rain on my parade.

Everybody is doing their own thing. And so am i. I don't need anyone to need me. And i don't need to reach out. At least not all the time.

Rob was in my store yesterday. His stopping by kinda rattled me. But he was the one who was riddled with anxiety. His face twitched, for crying out loud.

I used to blame guys like JD and Matt for being cold and insensitive. And now i've been in their shoes. There's a reason you're drawn to people who don't love you back. It is YOUR problem.

Yes, it feels a little weird not to be constantly tormented, but i've realized i like not being pissed on. I think that's progress.

V-Day Jubilation

After flourishing for nearly 18 months, the orchid plant JD gave me as a housewarming gift dies.

I never knew a plant could look so devoid of life.

I can't believe it's really gone. Ten-four.

Today happened to be the day my assitance was requested at my old office. It was weird to be back there.

For two days i'd pictured what it would be like to run into Matt. I fantasized about asking him out. This night of St. Valentine's.

But he never showed.

It must be fate. I guess i have to give it a rest for good now.

So i stick with my date with the physical therapist. He electrifies me. With those tiny electrodes. Under a giant hot pack.

Tonight, right after i celebrate the special day by laundering my black socks, I did get one phone call. From AT&T. Probably in an attempt to lure me back from Vonage.

Ah, such love. I let the machine get it.

On this day a year ago, I got tulips. This year i got no lips. No lips at all.

And You May Quote Me 5

If you love somebody, set them free.

If they come back to you... Who am i kidding? They probably won't. But at least you will see they were already lost to you whether or not you let go.

Snippet 23

W:
Sorry to bring this up, but do you think you might have gum disease?

Me:
Does it look that way?

W:
It smells that way.

Me:
What does gum disease smell like?

W:
Kinda like bad breath.

Me:
Then how do you know it's not just bad breath?

W:
There's a distinct difference.

Me:
How so?

W:
I can't quantitatively define it.

Me:
How about qualitatively?

W:
No, I can't.

Me:
So you just know.

W:
It's the smell of decay in both cases. But I can tell.

Vignette 2

Today my brother W and i had a profound conversation on the art of eating once a day.

W has gone the one-meal-a-day route for several years now. I have only started recently. W's meal of choice: dinner. I skip dinner and load up at lunch. It's not so much by choice as it is a by-product of my drinking habit. Simply can't both drink and eat.

"Once you're used to eating once a day, it's hard to squeeze in that extra meal," i observed.

"It's hard to skip dinner though," W said. "That's when people tend to want to socialize."

"I guess i don't have much of a social life," i replied, and chuckled.

A St. Valentine's Sentiment

Stupid Cupid,

Stop fucking with me.

A Loner's Concerto

I've settled in at my new workplace. Not having to open my mouth for hours on end suits me. I revel in the quiet and isolation.

I guess this job is very me after all.

Rob called me at work earlier this week, saying that he hoped it was okay to call once in a while.

"Once in a while"?! He was calling practically everyday.

He skipped one weekend, and i was so proud of him. I thought he was over it. But the following Sunday he left a message AND texted me. Having nothing to say, really.

And he always calls my home number now. As if i couldn't be out and about??! (Ha!)

I bet he's one of those moronic guys who can't even tell which number is which, and never programs his speed dials right.

I told him on Monday that i was uncomfortable when he made calls that were not work-related.

He left messages two nights in a row about understanding how i need space.

If you really understand that, you will STOP CALLING!!!

Today he also said he understood that i wasn't "ready to deal with us".

OMG!!!!!!!!!! There is no "us"!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is obsessed. I am worried. I wanna tell him to talk to his therapist about this obsession. But hearing his voice just makes me cringe. It drips with hypertension!

I realize that i was once this obsessed about JD. And had i latched on to Matt, i would've behaved similarly.

I am glad i'm not in that place any more. And frankly, i'd rather die alone than to wind up in that unhealthy place over and over.

I mean, i've got nephews. They'll come to identify me in rigor mortis. : )

Pass That Glass

I quit drinking.

Just kidding. But for a couple of nights there, i didn't have a drop. It wasn't even a struggle. I gladly went to bed way early, not missing a thing.

It was not planned. Suffering from chronic neck and shoulder pain, I finally got authorization to receive physical therapy on worker's comp. Along comes a (free) muscle relaxer that works like a miracle. I can't remember the last time i was pain-free!

But it comes with a "no alcohol" warning.

I decided that i had to suck it up because my employer was involved. I can't report to my supervisor, "No, i skipped the meds, cos i had to drink. You know?"

I followed JD's advice on going cold turkey: "Do everything necessary. Just don't drink."

I didn't have a problem cozying under the covers, reading my magazines. At 8 p.m.

And what do you know, my stomach stopped hurting like there is a gaping hole the size of a vagina in labor. The nausea is gone. Food doesn't make my stomach go up in flames.

But it's Thursday. And Thursday is the new Friday. And i just miss that buzz.

You know, being off was cool and the gang, but i was so mellow, i didn't wanna do anything. I had no creativity. No desire. No opinion. I didn't even want to blog. I was perfectly happy spending 10 hours in bed on a weeknight. What was gonna happen on weekends??

All of a sudden i understand why musicians can't write songs unless they're on something.

I could quit drinking. But i just don't want to.

Revelation 20

One prominent problem in my milieu is that: When i'm home, i wonder if i should be somewhere else. When i'm somewhere else, i long to be home.

Due to illness and reluctance to socialize, i forewent JD's superbowl party today. As i sat on my couch, which i still love, i wondered what Donnie's* bean dip tasted like. Last year i didn't get to meet Donnie. He was ill. But he sent his bean dip anyway. It was heavenly.

Matt finally replied to my email this afternoon. In the middle of superbowl. What guy checks email during superbowl? Curious.

"We can keep in touch via email," Matt writes in summation.

I have my Date Speak Dictionary programmed and up and running. "Let's email" = "Let's not hang out any more".

In the email, however, he's flirtatious as ever. Yes, i see the guy has isues.

I sat back on my couch and felt the lumbar support. I'm just fine where i am. Happy, almost.


*Not his real name; one of JD's best friends

Begetting Hansel & Gretel

Last Friday, Alan* the manager at the new place i started work at got into this impassioned conversation with Polly, the expecting mother going on leave. Subject of course being: Kids.

So, after about 11 minutes going off on how he felt about his two-year-old son, the conversation came to a halt. 4 seconds of silence later, Alan looked over at me and asked, "Do you have kids?"
"No," i politely replied.

"Do you want kids?" Alan pursued.

"Probably not," i was starting to feel uncomfortable.

"Why not?" He wouldn't relent.

I couldn't believe this guy. This 25-year-old who's about to be promoted in two weeks whose life is just peachy. He and his wife are going for a girl next round. Aww, a fairy tale.

"Maybe because i don't have someone to have kids with," i was tempted to say. "Maybe my eggs are rotting as we speak!"

I mean, you just don't go asking someone in their mid-thirties these personal questions.

Instead i diverted his attention to my two nephews. "They count," i said.

I'm glad he didn't question whether i even liked kids. I would've said, "Yes, yes, i do. They taste like chicken."


*Not his real name

Revelation 19

JD was kind enough to let me spend the weekend. It means a lot, considering just a couple of nights prior, i had called him just to say, "I can't stop crying!..." And then kept sobbing. I don't recall the rest of the conversation.

Saturday morning comes and depression was rampant for the both of us. There was not one thing we could name in the world that could possible make us experience joy. And everywhere we went today we had bad service. People were oblivious.

This is why i stay home alone. People suck. They are insensitive. They hurt you.

When i started thinking of hurt, i thought of Matt again, and how he hasn't made contact since our date. Not even so much as an email to say hello.

I was consumed with rage.

JD and i finally made it home. Almost as soon as we walked in, Fiona*, the damsel in distress JD had been talking to, called.

I could tell by the way JD sounded that it was a girl.

JD only stayed on briefly. After he got off the phone, he informed me that Fiona was jealous.

"I told her that you were gonna come over and we were gonna make chili for the superbowl party," JD exclaimed. "I don't understand!"

Well, i understand. I understand all about stupid jealousy that bears no trace of logic.

To think that i've been jealous of Fiona at times since they met. For whatever unnamable (mafia) reasons, Fiona cannot be with JD. But it doesn't stop her from wanting JD all to herself. Trust me, i've been there.

And i still am there.

All of a sudden i realized how insane it is to want to win over someone to whom we have nothing to offer.

As i took out the trash, i started to feel slightly better about my life. First of all, i'm still capable of taking out the trash. Second of all, if someone wishes she was in my shoes, my life can't be all that bad.


*Not her real name

Goodbye Girl

Today was my last day working with JF. Despite being emotionally distraught, we closed the month perfectly and in a timely fashion.

JF and i spent some quality time together at lunch and on breaks.

I started to appreciate the location of the store. When i started there, i used to hate the railroad tracks that were only yards away. Trains would pass by with their loud horns.

Today i saw the trees and the wilderness feel of it all, and even the nearby freeway seemed to offer solace. I have gotten used to watching the freeway during breaks (when i actually take them). Traffic is soothing white noise to me. Almost like the ocean.

Funny how you don't appreciate things until you're about to lose them.

At the end of the day, JF and i embraced for the longest time. It was all i could do to hold back tears.

She's been so good to me. Even though i didn't expect to become friends with her, we have grown close.

She's like my only girlfriend these days really.

People come in your life and depart at some point. Only a select few leave a mark. JF has touched my life. I hope she knows that.

Deep Thoughts (Not By Jack Handey) 5

When i titled my last post, i could just picture someone turning around when God taps on their shoulder. And God spits in their eye. They never saw it coming.

Course, if the person was blind, it'd be a good thing. They'd see again.

Otherwise they'd just rub their eye and go, "Hey!..."