There

I made it after all.

Goodbye Girl

10 minutes of Photoshop work so it's not cheating...

Who u callin' a cheetah?

Dawg-Ear

Using computers to get people away from them.

That is the slogan of Bay Area Linkup. I like that! Clevah!

Leap

Going for the record of reaching triple digits of posts in a month. Would be ridiculous!

Not gonna make it.

Still beat my personal record. And not too shabby for a short month i guess. Maybe in 2012...

Leaving Damaged, Entering Broken

This was so cute i had to capture it.

'Sides, i can relate to being technically wrong.

Bash Bang, Dang!

I love Wizzy and Wigg from The Zula Patrol!

This afternoon W and i learned that they are twin brother and sister.

"You can't tell which is which, huh?" i mused.

"No," replied W. "But one is ribbed and the other is not."

W and i chewed on that notion, exchanged a knowing look, and shared an outburst of evil laugh.

Snippet 93

Riley:
You're hot!

V:
I know! [Laughs]
[Pulls serious face] But that's little consolation.

R:
Why?

V:
Cuz nobody wants to stick around.

Grind Like Bunnies

G'Rabbit™ Pepper

and

G'Rabbit™ Salt

at chef'n. I love gadgets! They can be empowering!

Paperback

Today, when the mail carrier stopped by, i was gazing at clouds by the window, warming my hands with my mug.

I thanked the mail carrier as he departed, as I do everyday.

It is only the most underappreciated profession in the world!

Instead of coming back with the usual response, he remarked, "You always have such a peaceful face. Like, not a care in the world!"

I smiled. "Only on breaks," i said.

The man laughed.

That was what Taylor thought about me when we met. Then he discovered the undercurrents.

These days... more like vortices.

Looks can be deceiving. I swear i'm not even trying.

Drops

This Saturday 2/28 is Open That Bottle Night.

Alas, i've already opened two special bottles in the past two months.

Special, like me. As in special ed.

Gentility

6:37 p.m.

My mind screams:

Give me wine or give me death!

Actually, gimme both.

Hush

When i was little, when i would cry, my father would urge me to stop, "It is a waste of tears!"

To this day i do not understand. What would i be saving them for?

Quote 157

You smell like yourself. That's what's good about you.

- Taylor

Snippet 92

NSNM:
I'm an ungrateful bitch.

V:
So am i. Your point being?

Snippet 91

Derek II:
[day after V first went to the "Buddhist seminar"]
(enthusiastically) Were there any cute guys there?

V:
Dude! It's a depression group! Do we really wanna date a fellow depressive?

D:
Oh.

Shrinkage 9

"What's that?" Asked Derek II this afternoon, pointing to a bulge in my abdominal region under my sweater. "A second belly button?"

I looked down to check out what he was talking about. I didn't think it was that conspicuous. "I have to fold down the waist of my pants like sweatpants," I confessed, not without embarrassment. "They're too loose."

"You're too thin!" Announced Derek, chuckling. "Must be nice, huh?"

Nice? To have pants that don't fit?

As Told To Rob

I didn't leave you a voicemail cuz i knew i was gonna sound very depressed, cus i am very depressed.

Fat Tuesday

Today is mardi gras and International Pancake Day. Coincidence? Or conspiracy?

And You May Quote Me 40

"Drink regularly" = "Drink socially" + "Socialize often"!

Antennae

This illustration of philosopher and artist 阿虫 says:

Eyes can only see near. It is the mind that can view far.

I think... if your eyes can only see near, perhaps you should get yourself a pair of glasses.

Maneuver

I wake up with an inexplicable pain when i move my right thumb. I think i seriously have pulled a muscle.

I can only guess the injury is a result of:

A. Balancing the netbook on my knees while watching the Academy Awards for as long as it went on last night. Oh, and i was typing and shit, too.

or

B. Wielding a massive toy before bed.

And now i can die happy having said "massive" and "toy" in the same sentence.

Quote 156

There is no part on the human body that is designed for a collision.

- Acura commercial

Omega-3 Jones 6

Clockwise from bottom: taira gai, hotate gai, bluefin toro, and banno mongo ika

True Blue

What a lovely sight!

Thanks to sashimi lovers like myself, the bluefin tuna may be facing extinction.

I recall Elsie spotting a gigantic one majestically swimming by at the Monterey Aquarium. It probably weighed more than i! Mesmerized, we faintly cried, "Toro!" and couldn't take our eyes off it. We practically drooled.

Just recently learned that the creature is warm-blooded! I was blown away. The maximum lifespan is approximated at 25 years, explaining the giant we were fortunate to have met.

I was saddened by the news of the species possibly being wiped out. Therefore i decided i must taste it before it's all gone to see what the rage is all about.

Only the chutoro (not the fattiest cut) was available. I can only use my imagination on the otoro! BTW i love how toro, usually referred to as "fatty tuna" (it's from the belly), is sometimes translated as "marbled tuna". Classic. That's the best euphemism, ever!

Quote 155

December makes me cry

Another year
Another longest night

Hello, life

- "Solstice", Under the Snow, Briana Winter

Viscosity

When i said goodnight to W tonight he cheerily responded, "See you tomorrow!"

Immediately sensing he was being presumptuous, he mumbled, "Provided your schedule allows..."

That's actually the way he talks. Nerd.

I was unprepared too. I mumbled too, on shellfish i have bought that is gonna rot if i don't consume tomorrow, on the Academy Awards being on with the red carpet coverage starting @ 3:30...

Excuses.

"But you only bought that one pack of fish today..." said W.

"Oh, no," i replied. "I purchased yesterday, too."

We totally then talked over each other. I'm not sure what was said.

"I may just change my mind," i said in conclusion. "I'll know when i get up." Knowing full well i'll probably need an alone day before the work week starts again. Especially when there's an 80% chance of precipitation in the area.

I replayed the dialog in my head for the rest of the night. My brother acted unentitled... Unentitled, just like me! As Dexter has suggested in the past: even though i may think W is near perfect, he shares my issues, at least some of them, unbeknownst to me.

Moreover, it's just occurred to me: my brother wants to see me... again? I can't wrap my brain around that one... Wow!

Pacific

Tonight i was regifted this 10-year-old relaxation candle. It'd been on the table (not literally) for a long time. I finally remembered to take it.

This lavender-scented aromatherapy is touted to have calmed untamed lions and tigers.

Well! If this doesn't grant me serenity, i'll know i have gone off the deep end. : )

There's a Giant Clam in My Curry

And that's not a naughty euphemism : )

Hotate gai, we meet again, reincarnate! Well... only you... But, yay!

Breedlove

I love the name!...


Photo courtesy Breedlove

Vignette 18

OC really likes me now. This is a new development.

Tonight i was on the stairs while he was just below me. He spotted me in black socks, excitably giggled and screamed, reached out and grabbed my feet with both hands.

Me and W exchanged a look of "WTF?" then burst out laughing.

"He's mistaken you for Jesus!" Proclaimed W.

"What's the reference?" I asked.

"The prostitute!" Replied W.

"Mary Magdalene?" I pursued.

"Sounds right," said W. "She washed Jesus' feet and her sins were forgiven!"

"You realize you've just likened your son to a whore!" I cracked up. "She was cleansed, huh? All her STD's were instantaneously cured?"

"That was not explicit in the Bible," said W.

Apprehension

Elsie buys bilingual DVD's so that AC and OC can become, well, bilingual.

She switches the language settings as she damn well pleases (umm, i mean as she deems appropriate). The kids have always been at her mercy. Until today.

Today AC decides that he has an opinion and is gonna voice it. This afternoon he adamantly repeats this request:

I don't want the Chinese words! I want the Suffolk* words!


*AC's school. Not its real name.

Quote 154

What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue?

- Roxette

No Caption Necessary 5

Photo courtesy Welch's

Down Pat

At least i laugh often.

Quote 153

The only thing i have to do is die. Everything else i have a choice over, including breathing.

- Genie, Heartless Bitches International


Disclaimer: i may be paraphrasing

Quote 152

Don't fuck me in front of me.

- "Don't", Elephants... Teeth Sinking Into Heart, Rachael Yamagata

No Caption Necessary... Almost 15

It... is... so... beautiful...

I recently (re)learned that alcohol doesn't freeze at 0°C. Something about the molecular structure. (Don't tell my high school chemistry teacher who thought the world of me!)

This baby at 375ml fits up top perfectly!

All In a Day's Work 24

Would've been okay if it was cappuccino we sold.

Snippet 90

V:
What are you doing this weekend?

Russell:
I dunno. I don't make plans. I usually don't know till Saturday morning.

V:
I plan - or at least try to know the options. But i reserve the right to change my mind.

And You May Quote Me 39

I don't understand this
reluctance
for tomorrow to come.

I mean
it's not like
today is better.

Thump 3

Still practicing focal point adjustment on my Rebel. Still not mastering it : )

Still a sucka for heart-shaped anything. Even though psysiologically the heart has nothing to do with emotions. As i've been told.

Snippet 89

Russell:
I had chicken and mushroom.

V:
Shiitake?

R:
Button.

V:
Thatz cute... As a button.

Inadequacy 2

Last Wednesday i finally saw a physician about my superviral cough after my dentist inquired whether i had a thyroid condition upon feeling my swollen lymph nodes.

I was fine. No bronchitis, either. Thank God i paid $30 to get that clarified.

I told the doctor i was concerned i'd been coughing for over 6 weeks.

The doctor kinda chuckled. "I once coughed for three months!" She said.

Thank you once again, Kaiser!

"The doctor caught me by surprise when she asked me what color my phlegm was," i told Denisse on Sunday. "I mean how many different shades does phlegm come in?!" And i laughed.

"What?" Asked an appalled Denisse. "Of course phlegm comes in different shades."

"I guess i never knew," i responded, my voice lowered in embarrassment. "I don't hock..."

Hocking is one of those things i never learned, like whistling. And not for lack of trying. As soon as mucus landed on my tongue i would gag and would have to swallow it back down. Which, i'm aware, is grosser. After a few attempts i was tearing up so bad, my face flushed, i resembled a practicing bulimic. I gave up soon after.

I suggested to Denisse I would need nothing short of a Pantone® chart to identify my shade. "I could venture a guess. Umm, winter green?" I said.

"If your phlegm came in winter green i'd be very concerned," replied Denisse.

Correction 3

Wait a minute. This is the 40th.

I can't subtract.

Perhaps I Should've Waited Till the 40th

39 years ago, my maternal grandfather jumped off the roof of the Supreme Court and killed himself, causing my mother to have to postpone her wedding for a year. (Cultural taboo)

When I get asked the question "Are you suicidal?" (cuz that's such an icebreaker at parties!), I always reply, "I think about it all the time, but I don't think I'll actually do it."

Because of my grandfather whom i never met (obviously), i have very unswayed views on suicide: it's the most cowardly and selfish thing to do to those who love you. You leave them wondering, not knowing, blaming, for the rest of their lives. That's like ultimate bad karma. Polluting the universe exponentially.

So essentially i wish death would come for me. But i'm certainly not gonna go out of my way to implement a master plan.

When i was old enough for my mother to stop fudging Grandpa's cause of death, she actually once mused, "Had i known the severance was gonna be so painful, i wouldn't have gotten as close to him as i did."

Incredulous, i cried, "What?!!" I simply could not accept these words had come out of this woman's mouth. I adamantly disagreed. I would think the pain down the road is still worth the bond a parent and a child share, and the irreplaceable time spent together. Why would you wish different?

'Sides, love never dies, right?

Course, i was in my 20's. I loved a good argument, especially with my mother. (How unoriginal!) I didn't see her as an individual who is just as subject to suffering and anguish as the rest of humankind.

I knew nothing about death, or love. I don't know more today.

Time and again i ponder the fact that, if not for my grandfather's untimely demise, I would not be in existence. It took that egg and that sperm. That point in time.

It was almost as if he died in order for me to live. Why? It seems wrong.

Note to self: don't commit suicide unless you can delay someone's wedding. But only if a worthy child can be born as a result.


Correction

Condensation 2

Occasionally i have a slippery moment in the shower. The vision of hitting my head on a hard spot would leave me petrified for quite some time.

Not that i resist the chances of sudden death. As a matter of fact that would be an awesome way to exit the stage. You're out. Then you're really out. No apprehension, no suffering, no weeping relatives discussing my quality of life while my lingering, afloat consciousness looks down from the ceiling, screaming silently, "Let me go already!"

As a matter of fact, a naked woman found dead in the shower - if not putrid yet - can be kind of beautiful. Erotic, even.

If there wasn't mildew, soap scum and hard water stains galore surrounding the scene taking away from that precious Kodak moment.

Note to self: clean the tub before hitting my head on it.

You Know You Have Issues When... 3

... you have an internal dialog with a manila file folder, apologizing for peeling off its label prematurely, caressing the tampered surface which is never gonna be the same again, trying to smooth it over, realizing it's futile, commiserating in morbid remorse.

Caffeinator

8:30 a.m.

As i got a refill, Nemo smirked and peered, "Is that your second or third cup?"

"Second..." i replied wimpily, hiding my disgust and rage, when i wanted to follow with "What are you, my mother?!"

Seriously, an hour after i reported to work?

It's not the first either. Roar has harassed me with the same line of questioning. When i'm getting hot water. At 3 in the afternoon. I have been patient. Repeatedly. I should've satisfied their curiosity by now. What does a girl hafta do, post a memo?

People! 4 mugs before noon, not even filled to the brim? You gimme crap for that? Wanna attack an addiction? Address my drinking! The other kind, that is.

Luminol 2

At Depression and Dharma tonight, i was annoyed, entertained, and educated. Feedback was interjected with humor. The group was smaller, the teacher more focused and animated. I'm glad i went.

Woman #1 was anxiety-ridden, but wasn't sure she belonged in this group per se, because

How is anxiety related to depression again?

Fuck's sakes, as i shared with a fellow attendee later, Are you kidding me?!?! If you're depressed, you know it. How can you not know?!!!

Have i mentioned i have anger management issues? LOL

Toward the end there was woman #2 who was concerned with where to draw the line between nourishing activities and denial (in my vocabulary, pleasurable activities and avoidance).

She was having a rough week. She decided to, instead of wallowing, meet a friend up for coffee.

The friend's take? "Someone's feeling entitled!"

So maybe that's depleting.

The teacher said wisdom comes from within. When faced with a difficult situation one needn't stare at it in the face 24/7.

Really?!! That's news to me. I thought avoidance was always, but always, condemned.

"It's not like you're getting drunk at a bar," clarified the instructor. "It's not destructive."

I had an urge to comment:

So, to recap... Getting drunk at a bar... that's NOT okay?

Just a little alcoholic humor : )

(And, by naming it, i've killed it.)

Brethen, Broken

I love how now they tell you exactly how many days you need to forgo a real movie theater experience before the DVD is out.

[Although "real" and "movie theater experience" in the same sentence might be an oxymoron.]

I miss the era of not knowing, wondering, assuming the wait would be too long, so RUN, not walk, to a cineplex near you!

Now comfort in your own home a.k.a. isolation is encouraged, endorsed, preferred.

And we wonder why we feel so screwed we all so starve for good old-fashioned human interactions.

(Senti)Mental

When insomniac with great physical pain @ 2:35 a.m., i still take 3 ibuprofens.

Not 2, not four. Cuz Taylor once said it was the perfect quantity.

The Law of Attraction Basically Says

.... Don't wanna attract pathetic losers?

Don't be a pathetic loser!

Muga-Mushin

I've never again worried about the meaning of anything. Neither despair nor hope is relevant.


excerpt, Gil Fronsdal

Chiaroscuro

Trent is in town again. With Aunt Mae.

This afternoon at W's, Aunt Mae asked AC to pose with her for a photo op, and AC gleefully complied.

Trent has a Rebel XTi, too. As a matter of fact, he is quite proficient. I admire his photographic skills, something i'm still getting reacquainted with.

He totes around his equipment in an army green canvas messenger bag that's not even waterproof. In contrast, my Lowepro® carrying case seems uptight and self-indulgent.

"Say cheese!" Urged Trent.

AC grinned BIG. Trent snapped a shot.

"Aww you didn't say cheese! Can you say cheese, please?" Earnest Trent asked AC.

AC, still grinning, responded, "Cheese, please!"

Seven, Eight, Gonna Stay Up Late

Krueger's finger blades come to mind!

Royal Trumpets

Master

Tempting how? Does it taste like cunt?

Quote 151

Whatsoever you do
to the least of my brothers
That you do unto me

- Matthew 25:40


Disclaimer: i think i'm losing my mind

As Told To Denisse 4

As i was standing in the Express Lane [at Safeway] the guy in front of me had only Breyer's vanilla ice-cream, and chocolate bars. That's the life!

Hannah

I can't believe this little girl from I Am Sam
looks like this today:
What a difference 8 years makes! For a moment i thought i was staring at Devon Aoki, stunning in her own right. I haven't seen her act.

May i add Fanning was brilliant in Hide and Seek! Even though it was an obscure film.

Some Kind

What are these? Socks? Sandals? Sockdals?


Photo courtesy Free People

鹵水蛋

Urbane

This marvel is featured in Amazon's 48-hour kitchen and home sale:

At first glance i was sure it was for the bedroom... Tell me more!

But no, it's a Pinzon wine opener with foil cutter and corkscrew*.

Are you sure you don't mean cock? OK i'll stop now...


*Also available in red

Spook

Yesterday i had 21 visitors on my blog.
21 in one day?! Must be an epidemic! Usually i'm happy with... 6. LOL.

Oh... 6 is the average i c. Me complacent with mediocracy? Shocking!

Swell

Today Derek I gave me this:
I still get flowers! Life is not so bad.

After work it was pouring out... Blasting heat in the car, i felt like i could see Flora expire before my eyes... The poor thing was resting on its own petals, wilting, hanging for dear life... all the while defiantly emitting fragrance.

But it made it after 50 minutes of errands.

"Arranged" this evening, thirst quenched, a life saved:
It may be my own... I, too, am but a snapped twig.

And Kato gave me this:
which became the wallpaper on my Palm Centro Phone v. 3.5A.

And i give you this, modified in Photoshop 7.0.1 by yours truly:
... just a little sentiment on the brink of a commercial holiday cuz love is love is love.

Troth

This afternoon, while Derek II was perusing Volume 18 No. 1 of The Paint Dealer, i spotted the following excerpt in an article by Jodi B. Allen:and couldn't help but catch the phrase i have underlined in red here.

"What is that?" Giggling, i asked rhetorically. "Is that when you fart and aim, but miss?"

Verdant 2

This afternoon Newton came in my office, grinning ear to ear, bearing a present in the form of a canvas tote.

It was one of two leftover giveaways from a promotion that ended almost 5 months ago. Newton is so cute.

I felt bad because i already owned two reusable bags, the green one and another i acquired free of charge for patronizing one of Trader Joe's newly opened stores. A value of 99¢! (The bag, not the store.)

As i offered this tote to Derek I, explaining i wouldn't want it to go to waste, i read off it:

organic
and
unbleached

Amused, i said, "Like me!"

Partaken

This evening i had Roth Käse smoked Gouda. It was... good-a. : )

From none other than my favorite midwest state. Wisconsin, you rock!

It is one of my new year's resolutions to explore the world of cheese.

Yeah... i believe in small changes. First, be less afraid of food that contains more than 4 grams of fat per serving. Next, the world!

Quote 151

Although i search myself
It's always someone else i see

- "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me"

Snippet 88

V:
Why are you so happy this week? What is wrong with you?

Derek I:
Well... I apologize!

Snippet 87

Russell:
You nut.

V:
Stop calling me a nut!
[Pause]
If I was a nut i'd like to be cashew. How about u

R:
Umm walnut. So i can be near prawns.

Small Dishes

This morning Derek I walked in, too happy for Monday.

Derek can be moody. To which i relate.

He asked me how my weekend was.

I joyfully told the truth that it was excellent. Fun-filled.

"Oooh..." said an enthused Derek with a knowing grin. "Third date?"

"Oh, no," i responded curtly. "None of that... None of that..."

And i couldn't find the right word. As i struggled, Derek laughed.

I finally blurted, "Nonsense!"

Hung

Yesterday, while gazing out at the Pacific @ Sam's, i noticed a bald white guy dining with a woman.

I could barely see his face, but my eyes stopped wandering. I was so engrossed with the shape of his head, the skin, how the light hit it, i felt a powerful gravitational pull.

It was so beautiful. He must be beautiful on the inside, too. I thought the woman was so lucky to be at that table with him.

Who's that lounging in my chair?

I have a thing for bald white guys, i'll admit it. (You think?!)

Before long the woman totally cast a contemtuous stare in my direction, as if saying, "Get you own bald white guy!"

I awoke from rudeness and focused back on the ocean. And the conversation at hand.

"Everybody has issues," I said to Russell.

"I don't have any issues," responded Russell.

Wow, for real? That's when you know you have issues, when you don't think you have issues.

To that end he reminded of Gail. Maybe they are just too young yet. Gail also didn't think he and i had compatibility challenges. Look where we are now.

Chop

For over two weeks now i've noticed that the Florida Borderline Personality Disorder Association has linked to my blog.

(I'm sure it's been longer.)

(Time flies when you have BPD. LOL!)

I've been meaning to blog about it but haven't been able to. I was ambivalent: honored and shocked.

Public domains are funny that way.

I'm no poster child.

Ah, yes, Dexter would spring underentitlement on me again.

In the past week or so i have blogged like a maniac. Just SO much to get off my chest... As told to Denisse: Gotta luv those manic episodes...

My chest... with those lovely titties... that are sagging as we speak.

Gravity, and other laws of nature, cannot be defied.

Love In a Cup 2

Denisse got me these head heart hand by Human Touch mugs last Christmas:

She articulated that, though the gifts may have appeared simple, they represented her firm belief that:

1. I am a good person.
2. Someday, i will find the right guy, and i will shower him with love.

I just haven't found him yet.

I am not sure i agree with her. Sure feels good to know someone believes those things, though.

Since i'm left-handed when it comes to imbibing, i NEVER see the love.

Again, symbolic.

Radical Clavicle

Today for the first time i wore the necklace JM gave me last month for no reason other than she loves me.

Inscription on the sterling silver pendant:

True friends reach for your hand, and touch your heart

OK, maybe a little cheesy. But it is a piece of jewelry. No one has given me jewelry in a long time. The lines of the design, although unoriginal, are fluid, and the font elegant. And the sap in me appreciates the sentiment. Cheese is good. Gimme cheese! A chunky wedge, please!

Sole

Russell bought this pair of Vans in the early 90's when they still made them in the U.S. of A.

They don't any more.

"Are you ever gonna wear 'em?" I asked Russell this afternoon.

"No," replied Russell.

"Really?" I asked. Being pristine can be such a waste.

"Well... Maybe," continued Russell, probably sensing my disappointment. "But it would have to be a really special occasion. Perhaps a wedding!" And he laughed.

I laughed too, "If you're gonna be wearing those Vans on your wedding day, you'd better be inviting me!"


Photo courtesy Russell

Mixed Up 3

"Strawberry Lemonade" @ Sam's Chowder House with real strawberry, and no lemon ; )

Cherry & Passion

I had to practice focal point adjustment on my Rebel : )

Quote 150

Why aren't you more angry?

- Dexter

Brown and Blue

I like Rachael Yamagata's new album Elephants... Teeth Sinking Into Heart much better than her debut Happenstance. Much more unique and defined. She is like the melancholy female counterpart of Damien Rice.

I like their melancholy because they don't just sit and take it.

My fave is probably "Sunday Afternoon" for more reason than one. Which i shall not name. I probably can't.

I have blood on my feet
As i walk away

More like blood on my cervix.

Quote 149

I'm an egg and you're a banana.

- Gail*


*Not his real name

Tone

How wrong is it that, a week later, that particular vertebra is still aching from having been thrown on a coffee table for deep penetration?

Earlier this evening, while waiting for my haircut, i realized how i text Denisse about everything. Everything that i do. While i'm doing it. And she does the same with me.

Well, at least i haven't texted mid-coitus. That would be weird.

Quote 148

Yinsen:
Do you have family?

Stark:
No.

Yinsen:
Then you're a man who has everything, and has nothing.

- Iron Man


Disclaimer: I may be paraphrasing

Mia

I drove by an Angel Hair Salon this evening.

I thought, "I think I'd rather have ravioli right now."

Vignette 17

5 weeks later, i'm still coughing, albeit intermittently.

Tonight, AC asked, as-a-matter-of-factly, "Goo Goo, are you coughing blood?"

I laughed so hard i coughed some more.

"Not yet," I replied. "I'll work on it."

Spread

4-year-old AC, like a million other boys worldwide, is addicted to Thomas the Steam Engine.

In this one episode, an engine repeatedly expresses his passion to bring joy to children.

"I love children!" Exclaims the unfamiliar character. "I love taking them out to the beach..."

A few exclamations later, I turned to W for clarification on the name.

"It's Trevor," answered W.

I couldn't help but snicker and comment, "It's Trevor the pedophile!"

W smirked.

AC, overhearing me, came to the poor soul's defense:

Trevor is not a pedophile! Trevor is a traction engine!

Snippet 86

V:
(Texting @ Straits)
They sat me by the Buddha LOL

Denisse:
Oooh... Touch his belly!

V:
LOL!

D:
Touch it for me!

V:
This is not the fat one with exposed belly...

D:
Which one is it?

(V thinks: "The 'regular' one?")

Quote 147

Never ask who you should be. [As an artist] you should already know who you are.

- Simon Cowell

Mixed Up 2

I love Ginger Drop @ Straits! Made with real ginger! Mmm, mmm!

Sounds Painful

Snippet 85

Derek I:
(Noticing V scooping Special K with berries out of her Ziploc® Snap 'n Seal container)
Do you always eat your cereal dry?

V:
(grins)
Only on weekdays.

Aplenty

After another disheartening dating experience, i turned to family for comfort.

I am so predictable.

Elsie is a good sport that way. We had a Korean pig-out session and called it lunch. I love our unspoken covenant to always, but always, share galbee.

If i can't have love, gimme booze. If i can't have booze? Letz eat!!!!!

She stuck around my office afterwards and we chatted for 2.5 hours.

Just what the doctor ordered. Even though i've been very stressed lately at work after a glitchy Barnacle* upgrade and dry run that turned closing disastrous.

We never run out of things to talk about. All close relationships should be like this. Is that too much to ask?

Even though i'd been sleep-deprived for a week, i agreed to meet her up later at OC's daycare center so we could spend more time together.

At 5:17 p.m., i was parked. In my rear-view mirror i spotted Elsie and AC entering the building. I quickly disembarked to follow suit.

I lost them.

Standing in the playground, i didn't recall which room OC had graduated to. I called Elsie and was disconnected.

Then i almost felt a searing stare on the back of my head.

I turned around, Palm Centro in hand, and saw through the glass doors this beautiful kid who wouldn't take his eyes off me.

I squinted, uncertain. (Have i mentioned my eyesight is going?)

Hesitantly i approached.

As i drew near both the boy and I grinned. Why, it's AC!

I pushed the access button, AC ran to me, and we were reunited in sweet embrace.

Elsie was not far behind.

AC gazed up at his Mom, pointed at me, mouth agape, as if saying, "Goo Goo is here! I can't believe it!"

All the while suppressing the grin ever so subtly. After all, he's a little man. Can't wear his heart on his sleeve for the world to see and stomp on.

A grown-up is never that happy to see me. Which is why i love kids.

A grown man's suppressed grin would be in his pants.


*Not the real name of the application

Luminol

Last night @ Depression and Dharma, an attendee couldn't understand how anxiety and depression were related.

The speaker, a psychologist who's been meditating for 25 years (with breaks - lol!), explained that the two conditions are cousins, both stemming from negative thinking patterns.

My therapist would spring self-efficacy issues on the guy.

The man was still perplexed.

The speaker patiently continued that in depression we may feel worthless/a complete failure/loser, and gave an example of racing thoughts that may accompany that core belief:

OMG i'm always gonna be alone
I'm gonna die alone
No one is coming to my funeral!

The group laughed. The seeker finally nodded in comprehension.

And i would say this is depression:

There will be no funeral
My body will be rotting for weeks before it's even discovered

The teacher was right. Depression is more mellow.

Groove

Gotta luv it when, the minute you walk in the door, someone exclaims, "You look tired!"

Know what i said? "Thank you!"

Again, that's just a way of saying "you look shitty!"

Glamour has suggested this comeback: "It's all the hot sex I've been having!"

Then Nemo* had the nerve to go on and elaborate he'd made the conclusion from the observation that i was dragging my feet.

Sigh... Nemo has never been my favorite.

Well, little Nemo, there are a number of reasons one could be dragging her feet. She could be sore (from acrobatic sex). She could be depressed.

In my case, it was both.


*Not his real name

Snippet 84

(on Y! Messenger)

V:
What's that crown next to you name?
(Squinting and moving cursor over crown)
It says "power user"!

Elsie:
I've been using Yahoo Messenger for a long time!

V:
So have i! Where's my frigging crown?!

As Told To Denisse 3

Depression and Dharma is tonight. I hope i'm not too depressed to attend it.

Virtue

You realize...

Between excitement and spirituality and sensibility and tenderness

Statistically
There leaves a small window in which we connect

Snippet 83

Russell:
I'm scared that [the guy i fired last Friday] might try to burn the shop down!

V:
I hope you're not serious. But if you are, i hope you have fire insurance.

Port

This evening i returned to my favorite bar (ha!) after a few months, this time with my newly acquired netbook.

(I'd link this post to when i last blogged about the joint, but then i'd lose anonymity.)

Composing a long-ass email to Denisse while sipping Mondavi cab took patheticity out of the equation of being at the bar alone.

Patheticity is not a word : )

I sat by the window, bathing in every last ray of the setting sun. Natural light is the best!

Lana*, my favorite waitress, whom i've always found attractive, is pregnant. I was shocked. At first i didn't recognize her. She was every bit as beautiful. But different.

Taylor confirms, and writes:

Pregnancies are so hopeful... The propagation of life...

The comment saddened me. I who is unfit to be a parent, who will never give another human being the joy of being a parent.

I who is unfit, period.

When i was proofreading my email for the 5th time, Lana came to bus the table next to me. A couple had come, seen, eaten, and departed, and i was still there.

"Did you get all the work you needed done?" Asked Lana.

I was caught off guard. "Work"? Oh, i could see how i could come across in my business attire with my serious expression.

Pointless to state i was only composing a long-ass email. I proceeded to ask how far along she was. Just as i thought, she was about to pop. In less than two months.

I'm still amazed she remembers me. Flattered, really. She is one hot mama! And now, literally.

As i was leaving, i told Lana to take care. "See you again soon!" She smiled.

I'd like to believe she meant it. She strikes me as real. Real simply doesn't come along often enough.


*Not her real name

Greasy

A Toyota Camry honked at me today cuz i had to brake to make a right turn into the driveway of TJ's.

I felt so hated.