What Goes Around

I managed to rack up a cell phone bill of $166. My eyes popped out of their sockets.

400 minutes used to suffice. I happened to go over by like 220 minutes, mostly by calling JD. That had never happened before.

Never again, now that i have Vonage. : ) And also, sadly, JD and i are on another hiatus.

Which is probably for the best, for as long as we have contact, i may never get over him. But it is still unsettling.

Last night i drunk-dialed JD. He didn't answer. Again, probably best. I didn't redial. Not once. Unlike i have in the past - like 156 times in one night. That's progress.

I endured two days of entire guilt and anxiety this week. I hadn't had it that bad in a great while. I felt like a bad person through and through.

Rob is falling for me, and i can't reciprocate. I simply don't feel that way about him.

I start to recoil. I just want to be left alone. He's been such a good friend. I feel so bad. Maybe i have been leading him on, even when i thought everything was completely innocent. Maybe i am one of those women who send mixed signals.

Now i understand how JD feels. When you don't feel that way, you don't feel that way. There's nothing you can do. And you can't deal with the guilt when that person has been nothing but nice to you.

When Rob and his "roommate" Kelly (she coined the term first) finalized their breakup recently, she would get drunk and start mouthing off. "Somebody has to win, and somebody has to lose," she said. "I guess you got what you wanted."

That was exactly what my XH said when i divorced him.

I recall how i felt when i was head over heels over JD. And how bitter i got every time we ended it. I thought he didn't understand my suffering, and/or didn't care.

When Hibiscus left JD for a rich guy, it was like she had stabbed him in the heart and twisted the knife while he bled dry.

Somebody always gets hurt. It's pure bad karma going 'round and 'round. Everybody knows pain, indeed. We are never alone.

I used to tell JD it was easier for the dumper than the dumpee. Turns out it's not true.

Live and learn.

Post-Holiday Cheer

Turns out Denisse has a blog that she uses to vent but doesn't share with anyone too, just like I.

These are the thoughts that make me cry: the voice of George Michael that summons memories of being 13; snowcrab legs already cracked in halves; Rob's eyes welling up as he talks about his mother.

Thank God i'm able to cry again.

This Vegas trip was the first time i went to Nevada with a gal pal instead of a guy. So i couldn't have everything my way. As a matter of fact, Denisse was quite oblivious to my needs. In fact, she made me walk 7 miles a day for two days straight, and had the nerve to ask, "Are you serious your feet still hurt?" as she caught me limping, and still wouldn't slow down.

Yes, i have developed blisters, thank you very much.

Thru my thirst and lack of stamina, i managed to maintain a buoyant spirit. I could tell Denisse was annoyed with me a few times. But we did have a few laughs. And good ones too. Those that make your cheeks and belly hurt.

Today, Damon from the district office was in. "What was the best present you got this Christmas?" he asked.

I didn't get any present, you fuck.

Tonight Rob called, "just to hear [my] voice". That worries me.

I came home after a delayed flight last night, exhausted, to find an email from York II, to my surprise. He wants to play Scrabble sometime. I wonder if it's code for sex yet again.

"Incidentally," i wrote. "My cousin Denisse has recently signed up with eDetri*. Chances are, you'll be matched up with her! Wouldn't that be a hoot?"

"Is your cousin cute?" He wrote back.

Dick.

On JD's birthday i sent him greetings without actually expecting anything back. On Christmas day, in the name of goodwill, i texted him. But i can't say i honestly didn't need to hear back from him. Which was just all wrong. Because when i didn't, i was disappointed.

After all this time. Amazing.

I guess we're not spending New Year's together. Big surprise.

I've decided that i don't want some big party at some snobbish club for the countdown. I'd rather be alone.

Denisse is grumpy too. She texted me, "Do i realy hafta go in to work today?!" I smirked.

Course, there're a few days to go yet. I may still change my mind. Nothing like loud music and $12 drinks to take your mind off things. At least for a while.


*The infamous online dating service we're with

Holiday Cheer 3

I'm going to Vegas for Christmas. In the past couple of days, i wrote everyone to say goodbye (well, almost), just in case my plane crashes.

My brother W wrote back:

Happy holidays to you, too. Don't drink too much.

Umm, how about a good old-fashioned "Go forth, and have a good time!"?

'Tis the season to be jolly, bro. I wrote.

And then i wanted to continue, "Don't be such a tight ass." But i refrained.

He's starting to sound like my Aunt Evelyn the worrier. When she learned that Denisse and i were headed for Sin City, she was like, "Be mindful of your surroundings."

I practically responded, "No worries. I won't let anything slipped in our drinks."

I fumed for a few minutes. Then i noticed the smiley at the end of W's email, and became choked up. Well, kind of. Like i've mentioned, i'm not nearly as emotional, thanks to my meds. That's right, the little pills have turned me hard. And if i were a guy, this would be a great joke.

So... Merry Christmas, and To All a Good Night.

Holiday Cheer 2

I was laundering my underthings this morning, and honest to god, the lather conjured up a smiley.

I took it as a sign that everything was gonna be okay.

The last smiley i saw was in my tumbler of Bailey's many months ago.

The forces are saying, "Don't despair!"

Rob called me yesterday. "I just need to talk," he said in his message.

"Uh oh," i thought. "I hope he's not getting too attached."

Turned out his lady and he had "the talk", and they are gonna break it off after 12 years.

That is tough, with the holidays coming, and they're gonna play pretend that everything is hunky dory until after New Year's. Yikes.

"Sounds like you're not taking it well," i said. I always crack stupid jokes when i don't know how to respond to something sad.

Denisse and i headed out to downtown San Jose last night. A first for both of us. I had been depressed to the verge of teariness before she arrived. I honestly did not know how i was gonna wing it. But as soon as we settled in in an enclosed area with music blasting and eight-dollor drinks in our hands, all was right in the world.

"Good choice!" complimented Denisse.

"Thanks!" i replied. "I'd always walk by this place when i was going to San Jose State. Imagine me in my backpack and hoodie, going, 'I'm goinna check out this place someday!!'"

We threw our heads back and laughed.

"867-5309" rendered by a live band earlier, and that Christmas classic with a BB gun playing on the plasmas on the wall reminded me of JD. Denisse didn't know the title of that movie either.

Today Denisse confesses that starting a few years back, she's not into holiday music any more.

"I don't know why," she says.

Um, could it have to do with the fact that your Dad died of liver cancer a few years back around this time, dear? I'm sorry to be harsh.

But all i said was, "The psyche works in mysterious ways."

It's always a case of a glass half full... At least i don't have the demise of a 12-year-old relationsihop or the anniversary of a parent's passing to grapple with.

I'll buy something red and lacy and sequiny for my weekend in Vegas. Depression? Ex-boyfriends? Bite me.

Tribulations

At work Rob and i have been sharing private jokes on alcoholism.

I grow uneasy as we become more open because i just want a friend - i don't want to open a can of worms.

It was a long week. I was often stressed and depressed. And so was Rob.

Friday night i had drinks with Rob to celebrate that the week was over. Lately it's been feeling like there is no one there for me but Rob.

It was a good talk even though i was physically unwell. (Only physically?!) We had a few laughs.

But I felt sad. Thru the night I would space out and think about JD. Thinking it's still better to talk to JD instead. (JD is gonna think this is lip service, i'm sure.)

Toward the end of the night Rob asked me what would be an ideal mate for me, and went on to express displeasure with women who send mixed signals.

I became very tense.

I wondered if JD had called. Strange guilt filled me up.

When i got home, sure enough, JD had called. Totally forgetting i'd been mad at him for wanting to move away, i called him right back.

He'd called Hibiscus*, the girl whom he had a long-term relationship with before me, the one who broke his heart, left him angry and regretful, even though he could never admit how he just never quite got over the whole ordeal.

It's strange, but i recall how intuitively, when JD and i first met, i could just tell how hung up he was, from the way he talked about her, pretending it was ancient history and he was moving right on. Deep down i knew. But i didn't care.

Let him spend some time with me and he'll fall for me and forget about her, i thought.

Of course, he didn't. And here we are, two and a half years later.

He'd tell me what a horrible person she was, selfish and uncaring toward her son, a manipulator with men. He'd tell me how he'd never take this person back. All the time i've known him, it still pains him to talk about that relationship. To this day.

Yet this is the person he calls when he's lonely and depressed on a Friday night.

I have no right, and perhaps no reason, to be upset. But i felt deeply hurt all over again.

Hibiscus is JD's curse, and JD is mine. Some people you just don't get over.


*Not her real name

Hump Day Blues

There's something about Hump Day that makes me drink like a maniac.

This morning i hurled - only there was nothing to regurgitate. I went through the gastric spasms, and all that came up were traces of blood.

First i thought, that's kind of gross! Then i thought, Cool!

This is the second occurrence. The first was last Wednesday, less than 8 days ago.

There's something about Hump Day, indeed.

Holiday Cheer

There are two office Christmas parties to tackle with. Not one, but two. Oh, excuse me, holiday parties.

Political correctness makes me sick.

Today Matt walked in and decided that "Santa Baby" was the song we would perform at the District Office. That's the first song that had crossed my mind when confronted with the conundrum. How uncanny.

"You're in charge of the lyrics," said Matt. "You think you can get a hold of a copy?"

With exaggerated incredulity, i hissed. How easy would that be?!!

Matt grinned, "Of course!"

Tonight i listened to the "official" version by Eartha Kitt on my iTunes and modified the online version on the fan club website. In MS Word. What else. What a pity all this would be lost on these savages, some of whom don't even own a computer.

And then i listened to the version by Miss Piggy, and cackled.

I won't be a snob, i promise.

JD is moving. He said this half a year ago. Two weeks prior, i asked, "So you're not moving, huh?"

"No," he replied.

I guess he's changed his mind yet again.

It's funny, but after all this time, this decision of his still doesn't sit well with me.

How can i just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace?
...
You're the only one
who really knew me at all.

It's hard to let go.

Last night i had drinks with Rob again. He's so much like JD, it's weird. The only difference is i'm not attracted to him.

Today i thought, if JD leaves, Rob would be the closest replacement. But it wouldn't be fair. He's sensitive, like me.

"Sensitive. A painter." Like the artistic guy who fell for Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary, and Irving on Chicago.

This afternoon I smelled beer on Oliver, and told Rob.

"I know a drunk when i see one," i said. "Being one myself."

"You're not a drunk," said Rob. "You just like to have a good time."

"Okay," i said. Thinking, "Okay, let's go with that."

It's gonna rain all weekend again. I had things lined up, cos having things lined up made me feel like less of a loser. But now i guess i can't make an appearance... i simply can't go out in the rain.

Drinking indoor it will be.

Revelation 18

On Tuesday, i tempted with fate by taking 25 mg of Lamictal instead of the recommended 50, thinking i'd be fine on a lower dosage. Sure enough, i grew restless and suicidal.

Not nearly as suicidal as i would've been on 0 mg, i'm sure.

Last night i was gonna go to my online networking group dinner in downtown San Jose, at a restaurant that's known as a "meat market". (Haha.) But i wound up having drinks with Rob my fellow bipolar alcoholic from work instead. Turned out the dinner was cancelled anyway. But i hadn't known that.

I'm sure i said plenty of inappropriate things. I got way wasted.

Rob wasn't in much better shape today either. He showed up much later than usual, went home for a nap, made another courtesy appearance, and then bailed.

I felt guilty. I don't even know why.

Rob is a lot like JD in a lot of ways. Which is uncanny. Which makes me sad.

I confided in Rob that i pretty much drank every night.

"Not that i'm calling you an alcoholic," i then said. "But you are one, right?"

Rob laughed a stifled laugh. "I've been called one, yes." He responded.

Good enough for me.

He said i could call him any time. "Even if i was drunk and stupid and was slurring my words?" i asked incredulously.

"I like you for who you are," said Rob.

Tonight i finally checked my email again. Denisse wants to know about Vegas.

"Maybe we should just go," I wrote back. "Then i'll shut up and just enjoy it."

The problem with us psychotics is that we can't make a decision at times, we're so overwhelmed. But it doesn't matter. No matter what we decide to do, we'll regret it one way or another. We'll always wonder, What if i did/didn't do this?

I wasn't gonna drink tonight, i was still so sick and tired from last night. I'd come home shortly after midnight and hurled in the comfort of my own bathroom - only there was nothing to regurgitate but blood. Nice.

But i couldn't not drink tonight. Sobriety literally scared me. I felt lost.

OK. Maybe i do have an addiction problem. Now i realize.

Now? JD would josh and cackle.

And i also realize i only feel marginally okay with my meds. I am NOT OK on my own.

That makes me sad.

S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm experiencing it again as of right now. Year after year. Without fail.

A Minor Setback...

All of a sudden, everyone wants to go out with me. Matt started with a nudge yesterday, like i've mentioned. Today he's mean again. I've never met anyone more fickle.

Jab, the guy i met on myspace, asked me to tea. I told him i preferred cocktails. Haven't heard back. It's just as well. Jab is stalker material, my instincts tell me. Which is why i can only go so far as to ask him to my online group socials. I don't need to be alone with him.

Incidentally, a few people i met on Friday has written to say hi, expressing wishes to meet up again. I should be happy. But i'm not. And i can't quite put my finger on why.

Since we last went out drinking before Halloween, Rob has been talking about doing it again. Today he said, How 'bout this Friday.

It's raining both Friday and Saturday, and that forecast is putting a damper on my mood.

"I think i'm gonna stay in and do laundry," i flinched. Yeah... laundry. That's attractive.

Denisse was gonna take me clubbing again. I was game until i learned it was gonna be cold and wet. Hobbling on heels for five and a half blocks in the city while dodging raindrops? Doesn't sound like a fun idea, sorry.

She also wants to know what we're doing for Christmas. Right now staying put and doing nothing seems very appealing. Funny how fast and how little it takes for me to recoil into hermetic mode.

Meanwhile, JD is suffering from bruxism and Vegas couldn't be further from his mind.

Hermetic: airtight by fusion or sealing; isolated. Yeah. That's me alright.

Trio Mio vs Flying Solo

Over the weekend JD, Denisse and I went to this bar and lounge that had a stripper pole. A lonely stripper pole that no one strutted around.

Toward the end of the night the three of us had downed enough liquor to at least strike a pose by the pole - moments immortalized now in bytes.

I'm really glad JD and Denisse get along. The two people who mean the most to me right now. My only friends. Even though one is my ex and the other, a cousin.

We had breakfast at a cozy nook after a night of being drunk and stupid. Bacon and eggs and sausages with sundried tomatoes, and pancakes... Seemed a stark contrast to the stripper pole the night before.

I count my blessings.

Monday. Matt comes in to work grimacing and moaning with a dislocated disc.

Matt and i were each gonna go dancing in the city on Friday night.

"Too much dancing, huh?" i teased. Matt remembered our convo and smiled amid agony.

At the end of the day, when Matt and i were alone, i pried, "So did you stay out all night on Friday?" He had told me that he would.

"No, no," replied Matt. "I didn't go dancing after all."

"Oh!" i responded. "So you engaged in another activity that broke your back!"

I grinned, and Matt grinned back. "I broke my back doing nothing fun at all," said Matt. As if he wouldn't want me to think him a sex fiend.

I helped Matt with an investigation, and he exclaimed over and over, "You are awesome! You-are-awe-some!!"

If i'm so awesome, will you love me? Will somebody?

Later, Matt told Oliver that i was "a lot of fun to go drinking with".

"You think so?" i asked, barely able to hide my delight.

"I still want to take you to lunch," said Matt, after mumbling that i was great. "Cocktails and lunch."

"Ehh... can't do cocktails at lunch..." I frowned.

"Dinner!" Blurted Matt. "I meant dinner!"

Ah... Now we're talking.

I drove away allowing myself to believe that maybe Matt wasn't a player after all. Maybe he does like me that way. Maybe just a little bit. After all, he did ask last Friday if i had a hot date. And today he wanted to know where i was headed taking off early.

Meanwhile i've been entertaining the idea of spending Christmas with JD and Denisse in Vegas. Vegas, baby! I can tell Denisse is really psyched, and i know JD, who's never been, would love it. Drunks like us couldn't have more fun than in Sin City, you know?

I don't want JD to date the 28-year-old he met online, but i myself haven't stopped pining for love and affection elsewhere. JD has pointed out how warped my perspective is.

Yes, i am one sick puppy. Dating doesn't fill the void, sure. But not dating certainly leaves you painfully aware of the void. If Matt and i go out, it's probably not even a date. Even if it is, what do i think is gonna happen? I'm kidding myself.

JD would understand. It's a nice feeling when you believe someone likes you. Even if it's all a joke and it's all gonna fall to pieces.

Denisse wants my advice on online dating. I sadly have none. I only offered the statistics that only 1% of all couples met through an online dating service. Well, you could do worse than spending $30 a month on a lottery ticket, i guess.