And You May Quote Me 18

Phantom fart is an alliteration!

Rolling Like Thunder

Just when phantom fart subsides, new fart is emitted, reaking like sewage.

Much like life.

Jolly 5

Just let me get through new year's and i'll be okay.

If God would've had a quarter every time a human said that, God's jar would be full by now.

And we all know God's jar is immense.

Closest Thing

Two nights ago i discovered Katie Melua. She is so frigging beautiful she takes my breath away. And what a voice!

I do this. I "discover" someone, obsess for a while, then move on.

But seriously there has not been beauty that moves me so but Sophie Marceau and Paula Marshall. Don't ask me why. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Cervical

In this photo, my neck looks freakishly long!

No wonder i feel alien.

"Eight Heavy Loads"

Mu sake. I've never seen this before. Very interesting, as mu means "none" or "nothingness".

Maybe i'll get a bottle. Maybe it'll help me get on the path to enlightenment.

Black Birds Have Spoken 6

All of a sudden i really miss someone tonguing me really hard until i can't take it any more and have to push his [bald] head away.

: )

Snippet 35

JD:
(On my weight)
You should be down to 76 in no time now!

V:
I haven't been able to achieve my previous low, if you must know. Oh! That rhymed! (Laughs)

Quote 71

Then you walked right into my darkness and
you speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child
till my frozen tears fall at your feet

- "Broken Things", Julie Miller

Dead Cells, Live Flesh

The price i paid for savoring tamales at lunch. Two!! Homemade! (Not my home, that's for sure! LOL...) Long story...

When i had to cut off my broken nail, i traumatized the bed, and a bead of blood seeped through the crack. Like a bright red balloon being inflated. It was kinda cool!

If the tamales weren't worth it, the Tapatío certainly was! : D

And now, having viewed the montage above, i am craving cocktail sauce...

Tissue Issue

Sitting on the head at work this morning, I found myself thinking, "The longitudinal grain sure isn't conducive to tearing!" Regarding, of course, the giant roll of toilet paper.

Wow. Again, i am a nerd.

I Need a Topographical Map!

Yesterday Derek I opened a card from Mr. Mansfield*, a former customer who retired a few months ago and moved out of state. It read:

Greetings from the Blue Ridge Mountains!
Don't miss California
But I miss my friend Derek

"Aww..." I half-joked with the guys. "That brings a tear to my eye!"

Nobody needs to know i'm a softie. I was moved. I remember Mr. Mansfield. He was a sweet man.

NC happens to be where Taylor is right now. What are the chances?

Actually, one might argue that the chances are not worse than 1/50 x 1/50 = 1/2,500 = 0.04%! LOL


*Not his real name

Vignette 6

On Christmas day, over lunch with my brother W, a remake of "Time After Time" came on the radio. Some girl who sounded really bubbly.

"Who is this?" Asked W.

"No clue," I shook my head. "Again, nothing beats the original." Referring to a previous discussion we'd had on the dozens of covers and versions of "Last Christmas" by Wham!

"There are exceptions," said W.

"Such as?" I asked.

W pondered for a moment. "Whitney..." He frowned, deep in thought. "Aah... What's that one called?"

I knew immediately he meant "I'll Always Love You".

"True, true," i concurred. "I did not enjoy the Dolly Parton version."

We decided that there was such a thing as "too country".

"I don't hate country as a genre," i said. "There are country songs i like... if the melody and the rendition is right."

"Name something," said W.

"I like Carrie Underwood," i said. "The first album anyway. It's not your typical country delivery."

W was skeptical.

"It's in the delivery, right?" I continued. "Recently i heard this one Christmas song by Dolly Parton, and it was refreshing. Her voice is quite nice." I couldn't remember the title "Hard Candy Christmas".

W was in accord. "Then there are the lyrics," W went on. "They're always much of the same."

"I know!" I exclaimed.

"Don't take my man," ventured W. "Don't take my cattle..."

I chuckled. "More like," i said. "Take my man but leave the cattle."

We cackled for like 50 seconds straight. W laughed so hard he turned red and teared up. I love when that happens.

Pedal Paradise

I love my lavender socks. They are SO-O-O-O soft. How's that humanly possible??! It's like walking on silk puffs! Even though in reality it's 67% polyester, 32% nylon, and 1% spandex, exclusive of elastic. Takes the romance right out of the revery, doesn't it.

And i happen to know the fiber composition by digging in the trash for the tag. Inquisitive minds want to know after one has been been squishing around on soles of heaven!

And they go perfectly with my lavender t-shirt, not pictured. Sometimes life is near perfect, indeed. The keyword probably being "proximity".

Fly Me

When i was young i read a sci-fi novel in which an alien who is a notorious abomination of a criminal absconds from his/her (there is no such thing as gender) planet. Assuming the human form on earth, he/she attempts to score a meal ticket by reading someone's mind and becoming their ideal mate.

The alien succeeds. A man falls head over heels for her. Of course! She's beautiful, a lady and a slut all at once. Any man would be putty. Soon, however, the alien has an epiphany about the strange concept of love previously unbeknownst to her. How can one be so unconditionally devoted to another, forsaking all others, willing to give his all??! To her bewilderment, she softens, experiences remorse for her callous past, and reciprocates selfless love. Eventually with death.

That must've been one of the most romantic stories ever written. I think back and i'm still moved.

I relate to the alien.

The fateful night the alien wins the earthbound man's heart, she's wearing a silk blouse in the color of the moon, rendering her a vulnerable damsel.

Which is why i have a weakness for silk tops in the color of the moon.

Thanks to Facebook...

Now i say stuff like:

Last night i spent half an hour trying to SuperPoke you

A Case of Mistaken Identity 3

When i spotted this bulk pack @ Costco today, i read "Long Tongues". The product instantly caught my attention.

Tells you where my mind is. : )

Bedroom Eyes

Yesterday i engaged in boudoir photography. I must admit i have a knack for it. I'm so proud of my work, i wish it wasn't objectionable on most sites. As i told JD, "Now i have all these nudie pictures of me and no one to send them to!" Shame, some shots would've made really nice holiday cards.

My incentive for the session was two-fold:

1. I am a closet exhibitionist.
2. It's my way of saying: Hey, i have a tripod! I don't need a man! : )

Quote 70

Give me reason but
Don't give me choice

- "Same Mistake", All the Lost Souls, James Blunt

Rinse & Repeat

I feel pretty good about myself again.

And now i must go on dates again. So i can feel like a turd again. : )

Snippet 34

V:
Ah, shit, i'm gonna be out of Absolut Vanilia!

JD:
Jesus Christ! You have an arsenal of liquor!

V:
Yeah, but when you know there's only one thing you want, nothing else will do. There's no substitution.

[Pause]

You know, kinda like love.

Merrily 2

The majority of my Christmas cards are square this yuletide.

Maybe it's because... i'm square. : P

Urgency

If i don't do a load of laundry tomorrow, i'm gonna run out of black socks.

Shit, i sound like a man!

If i would've had a quarter every time i heard that, i would've had... $2.25 by now.

Narcissus

Man, i have pretty lips.

Even with the gloss half worn off so that there is only a hint of hue and glitter, they are like dewy petals... or satin cushions.

They are so inviting, even i have an urge to kiss them.

As Told to JD 7 Days Ago*

To be shunned
is not fun.
Oh, that rhymes!


*This is an approximation

Jolly 4

Last night, at my second company holiday bash, Belinda*, my coworker who just turned 21 in May, who still lives in la-la land and was intrigued by my worldliness, asked me, “Who kind of guys do you like?”

I shot off my knee-jerk reaction since i was too tired and apathetic to lie, “White?” and cackled. Luckily Belinda, Japanese and Caucasian and Peruvian, related, and cackled with me. Have i mentioned my utopia? : )

Later in the night, to answer Belinda’s question, i made a spontaneous list, uncensored:

- White
- Into me
- Good in bed
- Intelligent
- Funny
- Not stingy with money

In that order, i thought. And i laughed inside.

Funny how compatibility was not indicated at all. I think it’s because from point #3 onwards, it’s implied.

And then i added:

- Taller than me
- Not skinnier than me

There. It’s completed. That’s all i need. Really.

Santa, you got one of those in your red velvety bag? May i peek?


*Not her real name

Tribute

Tonight i had caviar, the American Sevruga, malossol. Malossol is Russian for "little salt". Love when one language resonates another.

By the way, Caviar is a brand. Who knew? Without it, we'd be saying "salted fish roe" all the time! And how cumbersome would that be?!

I gingerly opened the vial. Quite frankly, the unsightly grey nodules repulsed me. I mean they'd be Quasimoto in the presence of the Esmeralda that is tobiko. But i was determined in the undertaking.

I recall the night i made the purchase. The clerk, who couldn't have been more than 22, grinned and asked, "So... is this stuff any good?"

"You know," i replied. "It's been almost two decades since i last had it. I've decided it was time to see if i would like it today."

The kid's smile froze. Not a response he was expecting, ay.

Indeed the first and last time i had caviar, i was at the ripe age of 18, visiting my uncle, my mother's baby brother, in Belgium. Who within a few years would die of liver cancer before turning 45. But we all thought he was healthy as an ox back then. No matter his beer gut, frequent whoring, and a wife who was in and out of mental institutions. Sure, everything was looking fine.

And tonight, i decide that i love caviar. Just like i did back then.

It's seafood! It's raw! It tastes like minerals. What's not to like?!??

Now, i know that you're probably not supposed to have these babies in a soy sauce dish, sans sophisticated crackers. But scooping is SO much more fun!

And i'm grateful that my wild uncle, whom i barely knew as a person, introduced me to this strange delicacy. He and i would've had some fun chats today. That much i'm sure of. Sometimes mitochondria are the most special gift you could share with someone.

Absence 2

I just stumbled across a random blog by clicking on "Next Blog" after viewing mine, just outta curiosity. On it is a post on suffering titled "You Are Not Alone". It was like a sign or something. Reading it helped. Shifting focus off my self helped.

I guess there are reasons not to be sad, too, if we will just look.

As Told to Denisse

I'm having hot water with honey. I used to have it as a kid. It makes me feel like i'm being good to myself. And thank goodness my toes are finally warming up! It's the small things that matter in life.

Absence

As i sat at my computer like i have many nights before, sipping grape juice (no, that is not euphemism. It really is just grape juice), i felt sad again i don’t hear from Taylor any more.

Taylor once said there are always reasons to be sad if we look for them. But i honestly feel reasons come and find me.

Just a couple of weeks ago Taylor still wanted to see me, with an offering of wine. Not just any wine, “a strange bottle o’ wine”, followed by a smiley.

And then no more texting... no more IM-ing. He is nowhere in my realm. On his myspace page he still has up the status “Taylor Completely and totally lost.” Well, he certainly is that to me.

I’ll be honest about my selfishness. I miss the attention. Plain and simple. Even though i didn’t think the attention would last, i was ill-prepared for the abrupt cessation.

Last time i heard from Taylor, he’d “been having some drama”. I didn’t want to know, as to me “drama” usually means “girl trouble”. And obviously i am not that girl.

I haven’t been that girl in a while.

Tonight i find myself wondering: If someone doesn’t initiate contact any more, isn’t it safe to bet they want to be left alone?

Taylor wants to be left alone. By me. And so leave him alone i shall.

And this thought leaves me very – have i mentioned? – sad.

Grey Matter

Last night my pen-pal Libby reminded me that she loves reading my posts.

"You always make me think," she wrote.

I thanked her for what i thought was a high compliment. For if i'm thought-provoking, it's only because i'm provoked. All the time. : )

Snippet 33

JD:
I only drink beer now. No wine. No liquor.

V:
It doesn't matter the vehicle. Only the destination.

Stumped Strum 2

Last Saturday, when i took my guitar to Salvation Army, the rear drop-off site was desolate. The sign said they were out to lunch. With a smiley.

So i just left my guitar there. As i walked away, i wondered if my pick was inside the carrier. It's okay, i thought. Guitar studios give away picks like Chinese restaurants give away toothpicks.

Black Birds Have Spoken 5

Nothing dampens my mood more in the morning than my inability to shit.

And You May Quote Me 17

An ex doesn't care if you're having Sangiovese.

Jolly 3

A handful of my oldest friends still send Christmas cards. Physical cards. By snail mail. What can i say. Old friends are old school. God bless their hearts.

Today i get one from my best friend IA. Enclosed was a Uniqlo tee (cool! Except i guess she didn't know i hate brown...) and a Christmas portrait of her family of four. First ever. Taken at an official studio. They are beaming. In their schematic, preppy outfits.

"Ohhhh... Not you too!" I lamented in my head. I mean, IA and her husband are amongst the coolest people i know. I literally felt stabbed. But i have to give 'em credit for going against tradition by opting for grey attire.

I proceeded to read the card. It's Hallmark, but it's Fresh Ink. Instant redemption.

The outside said:

Quiet winter
Hush my soul

Aww... How did she know the dark wish of my tormented being?

Then i opened it. And it said:

Remind me of what matters most

And there's where i was lost. Again.

Quote 69

Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

- George Bernard Shaw

I Wish I Wasn't...

...so hung up on words

I wish i wasn't so hung up on words that trigger fond memories.

I wish i wasn't so hung up on fond memories

I wish i wasn't so hung up on memory.

Jolly 2

I've got what i call a Hitler zit. No elaboration is necessary, i'm sure. The timing is impeccable. You see, the district holiday bash is tomorrow. Matt might be there. Just fucking awesome.

The vanity to want to look good when running into an ex is not uncommon. [Even though technically, Matt is not exactly an ex.] You want them to feel stupid for having let you go. Even though you are the one who is stupid for not letting go.

I have pained over what to wear. There are gonna be people there. And let's face it, it's strangers' opinions that count the most.

Today rumor has it that, in the name of holiday cheer, the district supervisors are gonna send us pawns on a scavenger hunt all day. No standing idly around a bowl of spiked punch in a warm hall, i gather. We were told to dress casual and wear comfortable shoes. How festive. Back in the closet you go, my little red satin tie-back halter top.

Quote 68

sometimes, your silence is so loud.

- b.wing, We All Need Someone To Kiss Us Goodbye

Snippet 32

V:
I was so depressed there for a while, feeling alone and discarded.

JD:
Like a tissue on the pavement?... Of life?

V:
Only if someone has wiped their ass with it.

The Deep Stuff I Aspired To Write About

Last night, at 8:50 p.m., a studious Denisse, menu in hand, informed me it was 10 minutes till "late happy hour".

Damn it, just when i was about to order Disarrono on the rocks to chase my raspberry martini (yes, kinda gross, i agree).

30 seconds later, i joked, "Is it nine o'clock yet?" Denisse laughed.

I repeated the question at 8:55 p.m.

8:57 p.m.
I told Denisse, "Seriously, the discount may not be worth the 3-minute wait."

Penang Ta-Lay

Ta-lay is Thai for seafood. Penang is, of course, this rich, complexly flavorful sauce that transcends me (when done right). As told to Denisse: You could have cardboard with this sauce, and it would be pretty good.

Unsevered

Prior to yesterday, i did not know Brussels sprouts grew on stems. So, ok, i'm an urban gal. But i sure know how to cook 'em good!

Salad of "Chard of Many Colors" from Trader Joe's

Gotta love a vegetable in lavender and crimson

The Greeting

On Wednesday i arrived at work to find Post-it notes spread out on my desk. It took bewildered me a second or two to read what they spelled out. When i did, i knew it was arranged by Derek II, who's like my only friend these days. I grinned.

I told the manager who happened to be in my office, "It's like coming to work in the morning and finding crop circles!"

Reclusive

After weeks and weeks (and weeks) of having been a homebody, today is the day i will actually leave the house and be out and about. Somewhat reluctantly, i'll admit.

(Last night i made my lazy deviled egg, and didn't even bother to slice the egg. OMG. That's when you know you have gone too far with isolation. What's next? Picking lice off the hair and popping 'em in my mouth? [I don't have lice. Yet.])

As you may have noticed, my entries are growing short. There was a time when i couldn't go under 1,000 words. And i fear my verbiage has become bland. Without life experiences, a writer is reduced to a shell. A cracked one at that.

Since my blog has to be interesting, i guess i'll go out. Seems backwards.

Stumped Strum

I have decided to donate my guitar. A year ago i played it for, like, a month. And it has since then been sitting by my full-length mirror. Untouched, sad, and lonely.

I've been putting off the decision. I could sell it on eBay, but that is just too much work. And i'm afraid i'll regret getting rid of it. Actually, i'm almost certain i will have regrets. Which is why i should give it away anyway. That way, someone will use this instrument and enjoy it.

Donation would by my good deed of the day. 'Sides, this will give room to my new shoes.

Snippet 31

V:
There are things i miss about dating, you know.

JD:
Dating me or dating in general?

V:
In general. Like dining out. When i used to eat.

Quote 67

The swiftness of your leaving caught me by surprise...

Simple things
But they affect the way the world swings

- "No Good in this Goodbye", Season of the Hurricane, Juliet Turner

Winter Benediction 2

Snippet 30

JD:
This girl says she's 5'6" and 127 lb. I don't think she is. I think she's fat.

V:
Why do you think she's fat?

JD:
I just think... her body is... like, fat!

Stripped

I find myself
Bare. Wrapped
in a cocoon of imperfect silk, all around and
over and
Over
Impermeable to the world

Snippet 29

Derek II:
I think your charcoal grey pants make you look really thin. I saw you walk by and i was like, "She's really thin!"

V:
I think it's in my sashay.

Wet

It's been raining all day.

I love the sound of tires across soaked pavement at night.

I think it's the knowledge of someone out heading somewhere that's comforting.

Why We Eat By the Kitchen Sink

One burns more calories standing than sitting.

Freakishly Huge Pacific Oyster

Eaten-from spoon placed awkwardly to show scale. The fat sucker looks like it's been shot, execution-style, thrice. This is a sloppy picture in every sense. But i was hungry. Oh, and did i mention... Yum!!!!!

Winter Benediction

Bounce

When I feel like a good person,
the world seems a better place.

Because only when you believe
in the good in yourself
Then you can believe in
the good in the world.

Snippet 28

Taylor:
One is never "outside" the illusion. One can only see it for what it is.

V:
...

Taylor:
Don't listen to me. Listen to your heart.

V:
My heart is a liar.

Soliloquy 2

This evening i read the profile of someone who contacted me, and came across this line:

I'm not overly pretentious or obsequious...

Here's my reaction:

1. So... does this mean you're a little pretentious?
2. If you use "obsequious" in your profile, you're probably pretentious. : )

Lucent

In the past couple of days depression has struck hard. We're talking a freaking abyss. (In case you couldn't tell from my Friday posts. LOL.)

This evening, as nothing brought me joy, i suddenly decided it was time to bring my snowflake tealight holder out of storage. After all, it's been freezing. Every morning as i put my hands on the steering wheel i think to myself, "I need gloves!"

There is just something about flickering light. It is simply mesmerizing. I can scarcely bring myself to watch TV or a movie on DVD any more, but flickering light? Hell, bring it on! This is how the Neanderthal passed time, right?

The tealight not only gets filtered through the translucent holder, it is reflected on the mirrored inner wall, and my vase and the irisdescent pebbles in it.

So pretty. Never a dull moment. I can't rationalize the correlation, but now i feel permitted to recall summer nights and deem them prettier. And yet feel where i am is where i truly belong. And I'm not so sad any more.

Funny what changes our mood. One just never knows.

Alter-scape

This morning, in my dream, before a journey of obligation, my Dad hands me a pair of fuschia fuzzy slippers that are totally oversized (talk about Freudian! Cinderella's glass slippers were really made of fur - lost in translation).

I look inside and find numerous pieces of a broken automobile headlight (of my vehicle, i suspect). After painstakingly removing the shards, i slip my feet in the inviting softness. The slippers are so huge that my feet practically swim in them.

With them on, i travel down the dim and seemingly endless hallway at the hotel i'm staying at, in search of my new girlfriend whom i met 3 days ago. Once again i am relieved i turned out to be a lesbian.

I have to find her fast, before i lose her.

But i can't remember her name...

No Caption Necessary... Almost 7

Pepperjack Melt and Egg with Oregano