Deprived

I've dropped 32 lb. from my peak last year. Yes, i had to use a virtual calculator for that. And no, i couldn't believe the figure. I had to do it twice. I haven't been this light since prepubescence.

I haven't starved myself since i was 13. Passion for alimentary pleasure is in my blood. I didn't think i could do it again. But boy, that sense of mind over body can be exhilarating and empowering. You will yourself into not needing it. Same with sex.

I have blogged about my food issues before. Lately they have multiplied in severity exponentially. I can't even begin to analyze, there are so many factors.

A few meetings ago, Taylor finally asked, "Are you anorexic? You never eat."

I burst out laughing. It seemed absurd. Or perhaps it was nervous laughter. I can't be sure now in retrospect.

"I've never been," i said.

I told Denisse a few days later, "I can't be anorexic. I eat!"

Denisse frowned. "There are various degrees," she said. "It's about self-deprivation."

In the past couple of days i've considered that, if i haven't been, i'm well on my way if i don't watch my ways. I went 30 hours without food at one point. I simply wasn't hungry. And, quite frankly, kinda disgusted by the notion of ingestion. I recognize the classic symptom of gazing into the mirror and seeing flaws. And it doesn't help that i get compliments for "looking great".

A pen-pal who has experienced the disease comes to mind. We have just discussed the matter in recent past. I wonder if i subconsciously wanted to be a copycat.

I have read up on, and relate to, a lot of disorders. I am not unfamiliar with the psychological condition behind anorexia. Right now, one fact comes to mind: I want to disappear.

Tonight, again, i didn't want to be home alone. I met up with my brother's family for dinner even though i don't do dinner. I was so depressed, i couldn't enjoy their company as much as i normally do. (Ha! "Normal"!) I felt nauseous afterwards. I wasn't imagining it. I had gastric contractions. My stomach wanted to expel its contents.

Maybe i'm bulimic too. Great. Add that to the list.