Jaundiced Jaunt

Last night i quit group therapy.

Last year, exiting the Campbell fest, Denisse and i breezed into a whimsical gift shop just down the street in a quaint neighborhood. They sold cute signs and stickers. I remember one that said:

I am not a quitter. Pass the booze!*

It was an eight-week group, the first four of which was with Dexter for cognitive, and the rest with this Asian female social worker for behavioral.

Dexter i love. He's insightful. And speaks like an intelligent muthafucka.

I had my doubts from early on when i'd hear her round up her herd. That heavy accent!

Heavy accents don't sit well with me to start with (the degree of vexation dependent on region and the individual's demeanor). Therefore the fact she's Asian... Hello, internalized racism!

And, of course, by "demeanor" i mean attractiveness. Uh, yes, i'll own up to being judgmental and shallow and predisposed.

Needless to say, i don't fancy said individual.

As told to Denisse, i was not gonna let any of that stop me from giving her the benefit of the doubt. I acknowledge that an accent is no indication of one's intellect.

Yesterday afternoon i thought to myself i'd rather be shopping at Nijiya instead of going into group...

I mean it took me almost two years before i pretended i had faith in therapy again!

Just as i'd feared, the therapist's accent REALLY bothered me. And how sloooowly she spoke... I'd cringe every time. I tried to get past it. At the end it was not so much the accent but the fact she was grammatically incorrect 90% of the time and she mispronounced "th" and r's. I'm sorry but i have my thresholds. Beyond that there was her inability to articulate or be concise. She simply failed to communicate simple concepts and quite a few fellow groupies expressed quandary. And all she had to say was, "Let me continue..."

I was not so much confused as annoyed, thinking, "Uh... heard this all before... And... Will you learn some English?!!"

Plus she'd use adjectives like "good" and "bad" and "right" and "wrong" whilst qualifying behavior and thought.

It's like how'd you get your license?!?!

I canNOT listen to someone i do NOT respect.

And the mutha of it all... Her solution to tackling anxiety: do the opposite. As in, when you feel the urge to avoid, don't. For instance, if you're invited to a social gathering and you're inclined to decline, go anyway.

Oh... oh... Is that all? It's that simple? Why didn't i think of that?

So i bailed during the mid-session break. And rightfully so, i think.

Tonight i was invited to Derek II's Halloween bash. I misled everyone into believing i intended to attend. Okay, maybe there was a smidgen of inclination. But at the end i decided it was cold outside. And being at a soirée ain't never gonna fill the void that perpetually lingers.

Was it avoidance? Or wisdom? You decide.

But i wrote about the yellow peril of a therapist which sprang on pain more than i can paint a picture of... And i wrote anyway...

Afterthought: and don't get me started on her outfit...

We hate most in others what we have a distaste of in ourselves (i have never been able to capture this theory quite succinctly nor with desired impact...)

I'll chew on that... Until my jaws hurt...


*I'm paraphrasing