Jaundiced Jaunt

Last night i quit group therapy.

Last year, exiting the Campbell fest, Denisse and i breezed into a whimsical gift shop just down the street in a quaint neighborhood. They sold cute signs and stickers. I remember one that said:

I am not a quitter. Pass the booze!*

It was an eight-week group, the first four of which was with Dexter for cognitive, and the rest with this Asian female social worker for behavioral.

Dexter i love. He's insightful. And speaks like an intelligent muthafucka.

I had my doubts from early on when i'd hear her round up her herd. That heavy accent!

Heavy accents don't sit well with me to start with (the degree of vexation dependent on region and the individual's demeanor). Therefore the fact she's Asian... Hello, internalized racism!

And, of course, by "demeanor" i mean attractiveness. Uh, yes, i'll own up to being judgmental and shallow and predisposed.

Needless to say, i don't fancy said individual.

As told to Denisse, i was not gonna let any of that stop me from giving her the benefit of the doubt. I acknowledge that an accent is no indication of one's intellect.

Yesterday afternoon i thought to myself i'd rather be shopping at Nijiya instead of going into group...

I mean it took me almost two years before i pretended i had faith in therapy again!

Just as i'd feared, the therapist's accent REALLY bothered me. And how sloooowly she spoke... I'd cringe every time. I tried to get past it. At the end it was not so much the accent but the fact she was grammatically incorrect 90% of the time and she mispronounced "th" and r's. I'm sorry but i have my thresholds. Beyond that there was her inability to articulate or be concise. She simply failed to communicate simple concepts and quite a few fellow groupies expressed quandary. And all she had to say was, "Let me continue..."

I was not so much confused as annoyed, thinking, "Uh... heard this all before... And... Will you learn some English?!!"

Plus she'd use adjectives like "good" and "bad" and "right" and "wrong" whilst qualifying behavior and thought.

It's like how'd you get your license?!?!

I canNOT listen to someone i do NOT respect.

And the mutha of it all... Her solution to tackling anxiety: do the opposite. As in, when you feel the urge to avoid, don't. For instance, if you're invited to a social gathering and you're inclined to decline, go anyway.

Oh... oh... Is that all? It's that simple? Why didn't i think of that?

So i bailed during the mid-session break. And rightfully so, i think.

Tonight i was invited to Derek II's Halloween bash. I misled everyone into believing i intended to attend. Okay, maybe there was a smidgen of inclination. But at the end i decided it was cold outside. And being at a soirée ain't never gonna fill the void that perpetually lingers.

Was it avoidance? Or wisdom? You decide.

But i wrote about the yellow peril of a therapist which sprang on pain more than i can paint a picture of... And i wrote anyway...

Afterthought: and don't get me started on her outfit...

We hate most in others what we have a distaste of in ourselves (i have never been able to capture this theory quite succinctly nor with desired impact...)

I'll chew on that... Until my jaws hurt...


*I'm paraphrasing

All... a... Board 3

I saw WRIST but failed to spot WART.

Just as i was gonna cry, "There's hope for me yet!", I realized i'd also failed to spot WRITE.

Misnomer

I dunno... The squid looks pretty off-guard to me! LOL...

Oysters Impromptu 2

The aftermath reminds me of vodka sauce. It is so-o-o-o-o beautiful...

Oysters Impromptu

Nothing Rockefella about this...

All... a... Board 2

Last at Scramble, i spotted EON and missed NEON.

Again, may i suggest: symbolic...

Snippet 71

Yesterday while we were leisurely strolling on Stanford campus, my Dad expressed wishes i'd come on webcam sometimes.

Thinking he was referring to the weekly net conference at W's, i responded, "Sundays are hard for me to drive all that way late in the day..."

"You don't have to go there!" Said my Dad. "At your own place!"

Unworthiness kicked in. "What's to see?" I asked.

"You're my daughter," my Dad smiled and replied. "Good or bad, i want to see you."

Quote 135

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
inside

- "Far Far", Yael Naïm

Consummation

Tonight i had some Divine Bovine wild honey teriyaki gourmet beef jerky from Andronico's. Brisket cut.

OMG if you think you've had good jerky before! Meant to be consumed in one sitting!!! All 2 ounces of the heavenly stuff! Well worth every penny of the $4.99 pack... Yes, yes, yes!!! They deserve a halo...

Infusion

When you are surrounded, surrender.

All... a... Board

Of all words i saw, i didn't see LIFE.

Again, symbolic...

My last word? PEED.

Word Play

Ooh my Scramble Word IQ is finally triple-digit!

Fuck that took a while!

Quote 134

i may have failed
but i have loved you
from the start

- "Fall for You", A Twist in My Story, Secondhand Serenade

Snippet 70

V (@ age 11, restless @ bedtime):
What is the meaning of life?

Mother:
Go to sleep!

Moo-Wooed

I've been obsessed with cheese lately.

This all started after Taylor introduced to me wild mushroom empanadas (with Manchego and truffle oil) at Cascal. Prior to that day i didn't even know what tapas were.

The puff pastry was fine, but it was the filling that got me hooked. The combo was simply a mouthful of perfection!

I am talking the thought invades my mind at times. And unapologetically occupies. That is the definition of obsession, i do believe.

Of course, it is not about the food at all. It never is. I miss the company.

At any rate, on any given day, devoidness can hit me like a tidal wave.

According to Dictionary.com, "devoidness" is not a word. How appropriate.

Well, if you ask me, it should be! : )

A couple of weeks ago, i discovered dried wild mushrooms at Trader Joe's - a variety pack of porcini, boletus, oyster, shiitake, and black. Allegedly from Italy.

Now, i've always loved the fungi. But after a week of rumination i was ready to take on the challenge of replicating the combo of mushrooms and melted cheese. Mmm mmm.

By the time i shopped, i had forgotten that Manchego, arguably Spain's most popular dairy export, is made of sheep's milk. (TJ's had one made of goat's milk. Drawn to it, i examined it. Now i wonder how it may differ...) I fumbled and went for Danish Havarti cuz the shade of cream looked lovely in fluorescent. And soft seemed less intimidating. [Insert Freudian interpretation here.]

I know practically nothing about cheese. Which is why i bought books on cheese on Amazon. They're on their way. That's right. Plural.

Have i mentioned devoidness that desperately needs to be filled? And never gets to be filled?...

Tonight i tried the Havarti. First encounter ever. Suffice to say: not what i'm used to. But i sliced some more, and i sliced some more...

And it was as if i never made a dent! The chunk didn't look so huge while sealed in the clear plastic. I learned during my recent research that cheese needs to breathe. But how? Since i didn't have my books yet, i went to trusty Dogpile, my favorite search engine. (How can you not be affectionately biased with a name like Dogpile??)

My search words were gonna be "how to save cheese".

As soon as i was done typing "how to", auto fill displayed a drop-down list of:

how to cook artichoke
how to deshell crab
how to eat crab

and, last but not least:

how to kill yourself

It caught me by surprise. But inside i was laughing. Come on, you've got to find the humor in that!

Concession

My longest word on Scramble has gone from LESSENS to SNEERING.

That's one letter greater. (Woohoo i can count!)

Again, considering the word choice, may i suggest: symbolic!

I have not done well at Scramble in a while. No breakthroughs, to say the least. In fact i have been at low points where i wonder why i bother. (Again, may i suggest: symbolic!)

Apparently listening to a spiritual teacher does the consciousness good. I'm nowhere near cured overnight. As a matter of fact i'm trying to kill it right now. But dare i say i can taste happiness tonight.

Rivers

Derek I has a brother (i didn't ask older or younger; i may've asked before - at any rate i don't remember) whose first and middle name are Ray Charles*.

(I don't know why chronology is important to me. I don't know why i'm rigid on time.)

Ray the movie touched me. My mind plays scenes from it at times. I relate on various levels.

Derek's Ray's first recollection of music is Ray Charles', to which his parents danced. In the kitchen.

If i was more attuned to myself (my "real" self, whatever that means) i'd feel a lump in my throat right now.


*Real. Fuck! How rare is that?!!

Signs Are Everywhere If You Look 5

I was on weather.com minding my own business when an ad that resembled a crossword puzzle or sudoku (what do i know?) kept having the word "yourself" circled in red. My curiosity piqued, i stared at it until the following appeared:
I don't see the correlation. But i went, "Wow!" anyway.

Vintage 11

A case of buying the bottle for a quality i wish i possessed.

Snippet 69

Stewart*, my manager:
[Enthusiastically waving at me the "this-just-in" company memo on Halloween costume guidelines this year]
What are you gonnna be?

V:
I'm just gonna be me. That's scary enough.


*Not his real name

Universal

You leave me
over and over.

Thank you for leaving me.

Excess

As expected (and feared), with family in town, my diet goes out of control.

Today i consumed probably five times i would on a "normal" day. (As if me and normal would ever equate! Ha!)

Five is a rough figure. I have not actually sat down and done the math. I am sick but not that sick.

Tonight, just when i was ready to chat with Taylor, he had to get coffee AND WENT MISSING.

After an eternity after he returned and we had a few exchanges, i had to go potty.

And by potty i mean lean, mean, sweet diarrhea. Which took a good half an hour. Every time i'd pull up my pants and wash my hands, i'd have to sit down again.

It was as though my body was saying, "Too... much... food... Too... complex... Can...not compute... Salads and wheat bread only please..."

"Malfunction! Malfunction!"

As told to Taylor:

Apparently i have anal bulimia.

Secretly i was pleased with the colonic expulsion. The power of Christ compels you!!!

By the time i'd had my last round Taylor had signed off. I'D GONE MISSING.

It was as if the cosmos were saying, "Today you shalt not connect!"

Taffy

Today the fam cruised down to Capitola. Both W and i took the day off. The party barely fit in the Odyssey.

I'd been planning to take the 'rents there. They had a blast. Mostly with the vegetation and the architecture. And the weather was just perfect... Gorgeous day.

Possibly the last warm day this year... Even if it was the first time i saw a sign put up that suggested the ocean was possibly contaminated. An "Enter at your own risk" type deal.

No surfers for the first time ever. Seemed Wrong. And sad.

While on the pier i showed Trent my new Nikon Coolpix S550. In black. Cuz blue and maroon are just too happy. I explained that the 'rents' visit served as an excuse to finally update my equipment.

This afternoon, back at W's, my Mom viewed the photos i'd taken today. She was shocked to come across a shot of me.

"You took your own picture?!" She exclaimed.

And all i heard was "How dare you include a pic of you!"

It occurred to me Trent took it. Unexpectedly.

Tonight, finally home, when i viewed the shot of me shyly looking down but grinning, hair all disheveled in the warm coastal breeze, beach houses blurry in the background, i practically got choked up.

It's been SO long since someone thought i was worthy of having my picture taken. Too long...

Accord

Photo courtesy Campbell's Soup

Quote 133

Life is like morning dew

Separation is omnipresent

- Cantonese opera "鳳閣恩仇未了情"

Carnal

This evening i had hip flesh caught in a skirt zipper.

WTF?!! I hardly have any meat on me! LOL...

Scraped, the spot turned raw and pink instantly. Witnessing physical damage is always viscerally stimulating to me. It's the only time emotional pain makes sense. Or comes remotely close to.

Admittedly i thought only penises get caught in zippers...

One of the few times i'm mindfully glad i don't have a penis.

Snippet 68

Denisse:
[inquiring on AC's new school]
Itz everyday?

V:
Yeah... 9 to 3:30.

Denisse:
Wow... Preschool is long!!!

V:
School is long... Life is long... Suffering is long : )

Reunion

This evening i met up with my bro W @ SFO, 30 miles away from my domicile, to fetch the 'rents flying in from Asia.

I expected the kidz to be there. But, no, it was just my bro.

At first i was disappointed. I wanted to see their reaction to my parents' arrival.

But then he and i got to talkin', and laughin' our asses off, just like old times, when it was just me and him up at Chico State.

Lord knows it's been ages since it's just me and him.

My bro and i may not agree on a lot of things, but we sure get along... and connect. I don't know how that is, but i sure wish it was this (relatively) easy with others.

Thanks to modern stalker technology, you get to see who's gonna exit the terminal 30 seconds before they push their carts through.

I'll admit i had some major anxiety building up to this moment and beyond... I've been ravenous... And this evening i had heartburn and an upset stomach. Just incredible. I keep seeing older peeps with a lot of grey and thinking, "What if that's them? What if they look so much older i don't even recognize them?"

And wondered how i'd look to them...

It was surreal to see my folks on American airport cam.

My Mom was outtie first. We both waved. I literally grinned from ear to ear.

I don't think about my parents often. I think i shove them out of my head so i won't miss 'em so i won't be miserable. (I'm sure i have blogged about this before.)

Naturally and habitually, my Mom and my bro paired up, as did my Dad and i.

The cosmos are fair... somewhat.

It was good to see them. And, no, they weren't old and grey as i'd feared. They looked good to me.

10 minutes after my Mom lamented about the very difficult officer she'd encountered, we were now at the elevator, waiting.

She turned to me and said, "You look good. You have color in your cheeks!"

"I eat healthy now," i replied, feeling self-conscious.

Of all my recent dishes, for some reason the geoduck clams really got stuck in their heads...

"Did you share?" My Mom asked. OMG...

Self-conscious: the same feeling as she commented earlier, "I thought you were too busy to show!"

Well, my knee-jerk reaction was not to show. I get up at six in the morning! But then i started to think... How many times have i picked them up at an airport? And how many more times, if any, will i get to do this? For two people who gave me life?

Now, most religions, i realize, will argue mere mortals cannot bestow life. We're just vehicles... instruments...

But, had these two not fucked (ahem, pardon me, made love), i wouldn't be here! Even though i know my joie de vivre has been consistently on the decline... the gratitude is there, latent.

It is surreal they are now in town, only 16.27 miles away! Tonight i found myself thinking: i wish they were around all the time!

Dexter was right about me having left the nest too young. I would've never considered that notion. I was 16. I wanted out.

You can't escape from loving your parents. You can't escape from love. Period.

Incidental

My blog has had 49 hits today.

That NEVER happens. Oh, there goes the saying "Never say never", i guess.

Very curious. If i cared enough i'd actually check out the search words. No time like the present!

Tomorrow, maybe.

Champs

My night guard. Just picked up on Monday. Apparently i grind my teeth during sleep.

My dentist stated simply that some people do it. No explanation given. "You have no control over it," she said.

I'm wearing down my enamel. It will be problematic in my old age.

Well, if i live that long, i'm gonna want to eat! I gladly forked over the $500. Well, in two convenient installments.

The first night i wore it i felt like i was in a boxing ring.

Only recently have i realized teeth-grinding is common with GAD. As if the nightmares haven't been blatant enough. Makes sense.

And the deluxe case is unambiguously labeled. As told to Trent: as if i could mistake it for something else!!

Listener

I'm a morning pooper. Well, when i'm able.

This morning i tried to catch up on my reading while on the john. I could feel my bowels ceasing to move. I put down the magazine, and the wonderful sensation of poop-hits-sphincter returned. But it took present-mindedness. My eyes would wander to the magazine, and it just would not work.

I know for a fact people these days take their laptops in the bathroom. I shall not name names. I'm sure plenty out there do it.

Really? You couldn't take five minutes out of your day to spend some quality, unproductive time with your bodily functions? The five minutes would've been wasted without surfing the net?

In my group Dexter has said that we so don't want quiet time to hear our thoughts that we keep busy up till the very moment we absolutely hafta go to bed.

Apparently, nature protests. Give your poop some exclusivity, people.

Perhaps i'm just jealous cuz i don't have a laptop. Or wi-fi, for that matter. : )

Stark

The man is more gorgeous than Beckham, if that's humanly possible!

I find it remarkable that tonight NSNM has written on modern day slavery whilst i have... well, on eggplant.


Photo courtesy NSNM

Thai-ish Basil Chicken

After i was done taking pix it occurred to me the yellow chili peppers tend to elude me...

The most attractive ingredient to me is the eggplant... I'd totally do it again, vegetarian.

I so loved how this dish turned out I wanted to eat it all! Atypical...

And You May Quote Me 34

I feel disjunct.

Jubilation 3

My word IQ on Scramble recently went from 95 to 96.

Woo, hoo. : I


(For real? Blogger can't handle the vertical bar aka Shift-backlash? I had to place a capital i instead on my stoic smiley... Lame!)

Jane Black

Today i cheated Death twice.

On my way to work in the morning, at a major intersection, half a second after the light turned green, i gave it to the gas pedal, dissing everyone else on their pathetic response time.

I heard screeching brakes.

In my peripheral vision was a looming presence. I looked to my left and there was this yellow bulldozer towering over me at what seemed two feet away. And there was a sedan tailgating it.

I could feel the disdain on my face as i looked away and kept accelerating, fleeing the scene.

Come on, people.

1. If you are going to run a red light, at least speed.
2. Know your stuff: can't pull of the speeding? Don't run a red light!

And if i was behind the wheel in the sedan? I would've swerved around the yellow monstrosity to make the light. Hello?

Have i mentioned i have a (mild - ha!) case of road rage?

Only after i'd left the intersection did i feel my heart racing. I must've left dozens of witnesses behind afraid for me.

I kinda shrugged it off. If i'd gotten rammed into by a bulldozer it would've been a perfect excuse to miss work. You can't make that stuff up!

And if death would've befallen me, all the better. I would've asked, "What took you so long?"

Then on my way home for lunch, i don't know where my mind was, but i wasn't all there.

I was driving over a freeway overpass behind a Prius or something, when i noticed cars (plural) coming at me on my right as they exited 85, having to slam on their brakes in their path so i could pass.

I realized, blindly following the Prius, i hadn't paid attention to the traffic lights.

A Toyota driver, of all people? Dead wrong! (Ha!)

"Shit!" I said out loud. "Did i run a red light?!"

It occurred to me maybe i did have a death wish. And now it'd surfaced from the subconscious.

I can't promise to love myself. But i don't wanna hurt someone. Cuz Lord knows they might actually want to live! And it'd be bad karma! I vow to be mindfully vigilant...

Chase 7

Both Monday and today i was given a timed-release anti-inflammatory transdermal patch to wear.

"In two to three hours, when the green light goes off, you can take it off," Don* my new physical therapist instructed as he pulled out a clear tab to activate the unit like you would a toner cartridge.

I almost expected to hear ticking.

"Cool!" I said as i marveled at it in delight. "It's so sci-fi!"

As told to Derek II: i feel like a cyborg!

"Did you make any robotic moves?" Asked Derek.

"I pretended to malfunction," i said. Then reenacted that Bobbie scene from The Stepford Wives. The first one. That scene crept me out for years.

Someone must be making a fortune on the patent.

When i told Riley about the green light that goes off signifying the contents have been exhausted, he snickered, "What, you couldn't just look at the clock?!"


*Not his real name

Play It Again, Sam

A few months ago i sent James Morrison's "If the Rain Must Fall" to Taylor.

Taylor's response:

You like the Blues? I didn't know.*

"I didn't know either," i replied.

He cyber-laughed.

Well, i didn't.

The way Taylor puts it, his taste in music is "orthogonal to genre".

I guess i'm the same way. Except i had to look up "orthogonal". LOL.

Tonight i find solace in John Mayer. After "St. Patrick's Day" (my fave so far) and "Gravity", i declare:

I like the Blues!

As if that should be surprising giving my mental/emotional makeup...


*i'm paraphrasing

Snippet 67

V:
(in reference to Yahoo Messenger)
I'll look for ya!

Taylor:
I won't be hard to find.

: ) : ) : )

Keep smiling.

Malleable

Taylor II my physical therapist has me squeezing putty, 3 sets of ten, nightly.

Taylor II happens to like men.

I like men. I can relate.

On Friday i heard him converse with a 24-year-old patient (he's my age) and i could feel the zest as he worked his soft tissues.

My putty farts at times. I love when it does.

Culinary 3

Taylor asks if i've been cooking.

I am appalled i am that predictable.

"You are a creature of habit," says Taylor. "This is no mystery."

If there's one thing i abhor it is to be known inside and out...

Yet i am rigid in my ways, i have just recently come to realize. Is that ironic by definition? And how is it i never realized until recently?

I am my mother's product alright.

My world is small... It's been confirmed.

Denisse asks if i've been drinking all day.

I affirm, adding, "What else is new?"

And all she has to say is "Aaw..."

Denisse... she's a darlin'... I have done nothing to deserve her.

So... Now... even cooking will lead to no redemption. I have no haven, no salvation, whatsoever.

By Yours Truly 23

Sautéed geoduck clams.

I was gonna have it as sashami, but it smelled so friggin' fishy (i know, it's shellfish, but really, cunt came to mind!) that i had to cook it. With loads of ground ginger and white pepper.

You can't tell in this pic, but there was an "A" in it. I thought i was staring at alphabet soup.

Mussels in black bean sauce. I used my pestle and mortar for the first time ever - to mash the black beans. Elsie my gourmet chef of a sister-in-law would be proud. And oh so Asian! Denisse would revel!

(Can i ever do something just for me?)

The pestle was stained instantaneously. I thought there was something symbolic about that.

Sweet and sour orange roughy. Slightly burned. Because i was impatient. I thought there was something symbolic about that. (But yummy just the same!)

It was triumphant because today for a change i said fuck the recipes and just winged it... Given i had done my homework. But abolishing measuring spoons and cups was liberation.

Quote 132

You need to be reinjured.

- Dexter

And You May Quote Me 33

It is SO exhausting to need validation.

Artificially Sweetened

I love those Korean yellow pickled daikons.

Finally found them today ALREADY SLICED.

As told to Denisse: it's like finding slices of heaven ready to go!

Everywhere else has them intact. The mighty shafts that they are. This brand happens to be Wang? Couldn't be more appropriate!!

I simply cannot handle phallic any more.

Quote 131

I can't save you. Love won't save you.

- Taylor

Oh, Behave!

Dexter says i have to embrace pain and grow up. Can't keep running...

I've been called immature before.

"You are going to suffer," guarantees Dexter. "But you will get better."

Pain in small doses, suggests Dexter.

I'm not sure i'm getting the dosage right.

Misery i have had plenty of. I am escargot live on salt these days.

Growth i have yet to see. Growth may never come. Suffering i can always count on, it seems. Buddha was right. That muthafucka!

Love Remains The Same

I had the following input in my latest Scramble match:

Hated
Held
Able
Pal

I'm sure that tells Freud something.

Last we chatted, Taylor was psyched about having included "Anuses".

Yeah... He's always been more intelligent.

Quote 130

Emptiness reigns.

- Taylor