This Is How a Suicide Note Begins

I can't do it anymore

I can't do it anymore

I can't do it anymore

And you actually type it out, instead of copy and paste. Hoping that the repetition helps.

It doesn't.

When you know how it ends, you don't have to do it anymore.

Set

I'm watching Twilight. The notion of the undead has always intrigued me.

I've decided that my ideal eternal age would be 25. I could fuck people of all ages. It would be flex. All the vices would have been condoned.

Plus i could rent a car!

Balling

Washed 40 and didn't lose 1. As Twittered, feel like high-fiving.

It's the ultimate manifestation of love.

Did i photograph socks today? I may have crossed the line.

As Told To Denisse 8

Nobody does kimchi like the Koreans.

Some time ago i bought a jar at Nijiya*, thinking it's gotta be better than what i used to get @ Lucky**. Just opened it. It's not bad but...

Man! Nobody does kimchi like the Koreans : )


*Japanese
**American

Projection 2

This is the stuff i'm gonna miss when i leave this place.

And You May Quote Me 44

Dusting i don't mind. It's moving things that i hate. That's when i wish i had eight tentacles instead of two mere hands.

Ask Freud

Every time Jason Mraz gets to

I'll put a flower in your hair

in "Lucky", i get a little choked up.

Snippet 101

T:
What have you been up to lately?

P:
Meeting new people... Spreading diseases.

Official

I can't date guys who don't like beef : (

Brilliance 2

Finds at Daiso:
This is a Nose Up Roller.

And you use it like so. So your Asian nose can miraculously become Caucasian.

This is a Face Slimmer.

And you use it like so. So your Asian face can miraculously become Caucasian.

Oh, mechanism similar to the Nose Up Roller, i see. Makes sense!

Only in Berkeley

I have seen many ho's in my time...

Artistry in glass and ceramics

Sleeve

This evening, months after talks on getting together outside of work, Sherry and i went to happy hour at my favorite bar.

I just didn't wanna head home right after work. It's fucking Friday!

Turned out Sherry and i had quite a few things in common. It was almost uncanny. And we laughed. It was comfortable.

I can honestly say the level of connection was better than any date i've been on in a long time. Only this was not a date. (As it turned out, Sherry was NOT a lesbian.)

Later we'd make a list of ALL we need in life to make us happy:

1. Washer and dryer right in our apartment
2. Barbeque in an enclosed area (secure patio or balcony)

Short list. Really, we're simple gals. You hafta concede.

Wow. To make a girlfriend. I guess it can be done. I just didn't know where to look.

It's March and way warmer than it should be. It is still weird to stroll around downtown Sunny. Impossible not to invoke memories of Taylor.

But... all good. Hit me. I'll take it all in.

There are parallels to dating though. We project activities in the future. Important to have fun to look forward to. Sherry is going on Atkins tomorrow! We're going to have steak! What kinda steak? Loved that discussion!

Later in the night she'd call me cuz her cousin would've killed herself for losing a custody battle. And her grandma would've gone on "Do not resuscitate".

It was as if i was clairvoyant. The shit is gonna hit the fan. Let's take Sherry out!

Not like we have other friends, either.

We parked in different lots. As i walked Sherry, she said, "Oh, you don't have to walk me to my car..."

I'd sensed that about her. She's underentitled. Just like me.

Truth was, the sun was still out. People (attractive people) were just starting their night out. And i, for one, was sorry i was heading home. And i wanted to prolong the process.

"Oh," i responded. "I'm not doing this for you."

Sherry flat out laughed. "You're funny, V," she said.

Someone thinks i'm funny. Priceless.

The best gift in life? You're being honest and NOT even trying to please. And they love you anyway.

All In a Day's Work 27

Over a year ago, Derek II took his company car to the wrong Goodyear for maintenance - a location with which we didn't have an account. Turned into a payables nightmare. This month Goodyear sent us to a collection agency.

This is Merry Lore we're talkin' about here! A multi-state corporation! For 200 bucks! Fucking embarrassing.

Derek had to involve Mr. Brickman*, his boss.

"You'd better fix this or you're never using a P.O. again!" Brickman reportedly yelled at Derek. P.O., of course, standing for "purchase order". As opposed to having to expense and wait weeks for reimbursement.

Suffice to say Derek has never taken his van to the wrong Goodyear again.

The other week, the van had an intricate issue that Goodyear refused to work on. Derek took it to Gloss** and had to notify Brickman.

"How are you paying at Gloss?!" Yelled Brickman again.

"Well, P.O.!" Replied Derek matter-of-fact-ly, as he told me this story this afternoon.

I laughed out loud, "You told your boss to piss off?"


*Not his real name
**Not a chain and not its real name

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie 8

I didn't even know what this was that was featured on the cover of Volume 9, Issue 5 of The Wave. I just knew it looked really good.

Oh, caviar and ahi tuna tartare. Cool.

Now i'm really gonna have to visit Plumed Horse. It's only been since Matt.

All In a Day's Work 26

I was in a conference call with 9 women yesterday when Derek II walked in my office. I waved hi and rolled my eyes, gesturing yapping with my right hand - very inefficient use of my time.

Derek slipped me this note:
cuz he'd rather have me chat with him. The feeling was mutual.

Derek can be so cute : )

Revelation 28

I'm gonna wash that man right out of my black lace-trimmed thong

As Told To Kelvin*

If you believe in the Law of Attraction, we attract a certain type for a reason. Repeatedly. The pattern won't change unless we change.

Some attract cheaters. Some attract stalkers.

I attract those who return to their exes.


*Not his real name

And You May Quote Me 43

There are other fish in the sea. I think i want a red snapper.

As Told To Denisse 7

I'm still on a beef kick. Must still be iron-deficient!

D. It Is Written

I noticed today that only the horizontal strokes poke through the verticals, but not vice versa.

I wonder what that says about my personality. Probably speaks volumes.

And You May Quote Me 42

If your life is not as you imagined, maybe you imagined wrong.

Snippet 100

NSNM:
Can "juxtapose" mean "switch?"

V:
To me it's always meant side by side. Spooning comes to mind lol
Comparison implicated but not necessary?

My Lunch Yesterday

Thai Spicy Beef Salad

According to Phoebe

Every time i have sex i cleanse myself off the one who fucked me last.

Haute

Totally forgot to remove my bracelet all through my Mediterranean lunch with Elsie! : P

Maiden 2

Used my purse hook for the first time today!

Beside My Hospital Bed

Dang! And i left mine at home.

Snippet 99

Henry:
Why are you here?

Mary:
She's my sister; she's a part of me.

Henry:
I wouldn't hurt a part of you.

- The Other Boleyn Girl

There's a First For Everything 2

Drank chicken broth out of a can. Couldn't decide if it was gross or delicious. Both?

Wish i had bought more chichen broth.

As Told To Mason* the Activist

I was real big on saving the world in 12th grade. I haven't saved myself.


*Not his real name

Way

Diana Ross has an amazing voice. But i've never appreciated "Missing You".

I'm especially bothered by "tell me why the road turns".

Why? Cuz if it didn't, you'd run smack into a building or something.

The One-Gallon Jug

As Told To Denisse 6

I didn't get hash browns after all. Didn't feel like heartburn with ketchup. That can wait till lunch.

Arithmetic

Online dating + Apprehension of the one-gallon jug = Insomnia

Buff

This evening Russell informs me he is looking for stain.

"Wood stain?" I ask to clarify.

Before he even confirms, i picture him retorting with disdain, "Is there another kind?" à la Colonel Jessep*.

LOL


*An A Few Good Men reference

Hots For Heat

Fresh salsa looks and tastes so different than the jar type! It... tastes... fresh! (Duh) I love chunky!

I made an error in choosing "medium". Should've known i can well handle hot! Still tasty...

I may never go back to the jars! OK, that may be going too far. The jar type keeps longer. Oh, i guess that's what preservatives do.

Does this explain the colors on the Mexican flag? : D

I just looked it up. Guess not : )

P.S. i didn't have an ethnically appropriate bowl

Twit

This cookbook, a $29.95 value, can be obtained for FREE at Sara Lee's The Joy of Eating website. You just need to pay $3.95 S&H.

That and you will need to have purchased 6 heart-health-promoting products. With the UPC labels to prove it, of course.

Yesterday i bought a loaf of Hearty & Delicious® wheat bread. It cost me $4.29.

Let's do the math: 6 x $4.29 + $3.95 = $29.69

So i will have saved a whopping 26¢ there. Provided i would've bought the bread anyway by July 23.

Seriously, what do they take consumers for? Does it really take an accountant?

Italian Chopped Salad

My favorite ingredient was the artichoke hearts.

But it was the sweet basil that closed the deal!

That said, it was just a medley in perfect equilibrium...

OC's Appetizer

Avocado eggroll with ketchup? BUT OF COURSE!!!

Hindsight

We all know that we can get a star named after us or someone we know as a gift on sites like Star Registry and Name a Star.

It blows my mind that some stars are so far away that, by the time the light they emitted hits our retina, they are no longer in existence, as it took those rays light-years to travel that distance.

So really you could be naming a dead star. Posthumous recognition is so sad.

Not seeing something until it's long gone. Yeah, i relate.

And You May Quote Me 41

The world is my canvas.

And i'm out of paint.

All In a Day's Work 25

Kato, who just turned 23 on Monday, lives in a shady part of Camden*.

Today around lunchtime he spotted two white girls strolling in his 'hood. He was floored.

"What are you guys doing here?" Confronted Kato. "I'm the only whitie on this street, and i don't even take a walk around here."

Apparently the girls decided to wander off their hotel to get a taste of the local scene, and had no idea they had gone quite a few blocks off the "good" side.

"You're practically asking to be raped!" Warned Kato.

Before Kato even finished his story, i laughed so hard i almost choked on my spit. Derek II and Marcos** were present, too.

"Were they at least attractive?" Asked Marcos.


*Not its real name
**Not his real name

Verdant 3

Every week i patronize TJ's. Every week i'm offered a chance to enter a raffle to win $25 for bringing my own bag.

I politely turn down. Some employees are cool. Others can be a little persistent. I always feel the need to explain why i'm passing it up to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

Today the clerk hard-sold with the phrase, "If you don't enter, you won't win!"

Well that's kind of the point. I don't want to win!

Again i responded with "I come here every week; that's a lot of filling out", smiling to hide annoyance. It is exhausting.

Next time i'll try this approach:

That's okay. I'm loaded!

Maiden

Sometimes when i scream in my head i'm afraid someone is gonna hear it.

Deformed

This is the toothpaste tube of a tormented soul.

Mine didn't always look like this. It used to be neatly squeezed. From the bottom up.

Now it's fucking mangled!

Quote 159

She's not like you and me.

- "Leave Virginia Alone"

Colbie

I'll start with "Oxygen", and switch to "Realize". Every single time.

I involuntarily medley.

Snippet 98

Nan:
[horrified when her hand is smooched (and sniffed)]
I know! Like herrings!

Kitty:
[suggestively looks up]
No, like a mermaid.

- Tipping the Velvet

Quote 158

You say best
when you say nothin' at all

- Alison Krauss

Wasabi No Tane

These baked rice crackers are LOADED with flavor. The makers of this product are not stingy on the wasabi at all! In fact they are ridiculously generous. On the ingredient list soy sauce and fish can be found also. And you can taste it all! These are like sushi-in-a-cracker!

I savor until i tear up and have the sniffles. It hurts so good!

If I May

Is the groundhog afraid of his own shadow?

(Possibly) My Favorite Male Part

The deltoids

Sublime

This evening i played catch with TC a.k.a. Dogu with AC on my lap. I was SO sore from my hike, and AC wouldn't sit still. Mostly because my bony thighs didn't make a very comfy seat, i conjectured.

I went "ow ow ow" in my head. But i loved him and it meant so much to me he actually liked me that i wouldn't have it any other way.

Misaiming, i threw the ball askew and it landed on the dining table. Color-blind TC searched high and low behind the table, all worked up, sniffing diligently, never suspecting he was nowhere near warm.

I felt so bad. Had AC not been on my lap, i would've totally gotten up to fetch the ball for TC, and let the game resume.

"I have created misery," i sadly thought as what felt like 5 minutes had gone by, and TC was still on his quest. I felt guilty.

Then it occurred to me that maybe TC was not suffering. Maybe this was what TC was meant to do. Maybe, not finding is not necessarily an occasion to be avoided, for searching is not necessarily a journey to get over with.

Maybe misery is an energy that can neither be created nor destroyed, but just gets recycled.

Snippet 97

W:
[referring to V's (rather unusual) school night visit]
To what do we owe this honor?

V:
Well we didn't meet up this past weekend...

Elsie:
She misses your sons!

V:
You don't think i miss you guys, too?

W:
Doesn't hurt my feelings.

Snippet 96

Mother:
Why do you have all your hair pulled back? [Suggesting it's not very flattering]

V:
Cuz i wanna be comfortable. Not pretty.

No Caption Necessary... Almost 17

Will do.

May do it very, very well.

Peregrination 8

Went on the Saratoga Gap Trail @ Castle Rock today in search of the waterfall. Totally missed it and wound up trekking 3.4 miles instead of the planned 1.6 miles. Didn't think i had it in me.

A lot of bees. Glad i had the good sense (and memory) not to have worn perfume!

Lots of hikers and most yapped too much for my taste. How about listening to the water, the wind, the birds... your breathing? (In my case, gasping for air.) I don't understand why people associate silence with awkwardness. Silence can be rhodium!

These two guys who were consistently a few yards behind me just would not shut up. The topic? Of all things, work! Are you serious? Don't you come to nature to escape that shit?

There was, however, one delightful anecdote:

Adam asked Bill, "How would you build a growing relationship with clients in their 40's and 50's?" (I rolled my eyes.)

"I'd take them drinking," replied Bill.

The corner of my mouth twitched in lieu of a smile.

After i turned around upon realizing i had passed the waterfall in oblivion, i encountered an attractive young man who asked me where i was going. I must've looked puzzled. He was well-equipped like a serious hiker, donning bright blue and a yellow cap.

I explained the scenario. He assured me i would arrive at my destination in 5 to 10 minutes.

That must've been the equivalence of helping an old lady cross the street, huh?

I noticed he wasn't wearing shoes. Pointing at his feet, i asked, "Doesn't it hurt to travel barefoot?"

He stood on one foot and examined the bottom of the other. He shook his head. "You should try it sometime," he said with a grin. Then he offered me water.

It was Biblical. It was as if the clouds had parted, and God himself reached down and tapped me on the shoulder. Or flicked me on the foreheard.

It was as if i had met Jesus in person.

As long as strangers practice random acts of kindness, the world ain't so bad.

Course, if Jesus himself told me "destination in 5 to 10", i'd be dead by now.

As Told To Denisse 5

Hope you're having a fabulous time in Vegas!

My purse hook came in.

LOL!

Oral Fixation

What a brilliant marketing campaign, from appellation to packaging! *Applause*

Bogey

The sign reads:

Golfers only. No pedestrian access.

What, golfers don't walk?

Not a Bad Lunch

Fritto Misto with Aioli

and Mandarin Glow

at the Conservatory

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie 7

There is a classic French recipe called poulet demi deuil, "chicken in half mourning".

Never heard of it. Delighted.

Why the mourning? And why half? Curious minds want to know.

Oh, just as suspected, there's alcohol in it. Cognac. But only a teaspoon. And a tablespoon of Rainwater Madeira. Incidentally, madeira is, of course, Portuguese for "wood".

Douse the shit brethren!

Wood, and chicken no longer in mourning, could be a lethal combo.

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie 6

I was really, really captivated by this picture.

Must be the bondage thing.

Why the concealment? Why the browning? Sweet torture! I must know.

It's kitchen twine! I couldn't resist a page named Fit to Be Tied!

Yeah... the cover was way more titillating than the actual revelation of the recipe.

On My Shopping List

bone & blood

Hail 2

This morning i checked out how i became a pet.

The statement "Nick* owns you" fueled me.

The button "Set me free!" was practically yelling my name.

Turned out i could buy my freedom with my cash. I had $6,000 at the time, and it was gonna cost me $550 to purchase myself. Hell, yeah.

Click. Done.

Nobody owns my ass but me. I am nobody's bitch.

Now that i've said that out loud, though, it seems kinda sad.


*Not his real name

Hail

Got bought on Tagged tonight.

Apparently i am worth $550. I had no idea.

Since the guy's based in New Zealand, i wonder if he loses in conversion.

My reaction?

What the fuck?

My second reaction?

What the fuck?

And why the 9% discount?! LOL

Snippet 95

Russell:
Did you call?

V:
Did i call you? No.

R:
You said, "My god!" That's me.

V:
I already know quite a few gods. It is so Greek!

Snippet 94

Russell:
Do these shows about the universe forming and changing and ending freak your mind out? I'm going to have nightmares now. Some scary shit!

V:
Why is it scary? We won't be around to witness it.

Peregrination 7

After work, i needed to see a body of water. So i headed for Shoreline Park.

Last time i came to Shoreline alone was August 14, 2007.

How cool is this thing we call a blog? At age 13, when i kept a diary, i could only wonder, "When was the last time i wrote about...?" Now, i have a diary with a search engine! Back in the day there were no words for a search engine!

As trusted, seeing water did me good. The place was dead. It had stopped raining. The sun was behind clouds and the moon was already out, in a blur. Caught sight of it next to a fiercely waving American flag. It was perfect.

Heard a hummingbird for the first time. Saw a stationary one for the first time, for that matter. I had no idea what a hummingbird sounded like. It surely was not a hum. It was more like a human sucking in his/her slightly moist lower lip. I was like, "What is that sound above me?!" I looked up and there the bird was, perching atop a barren tree. At first i thought, "No way the bird is making that sound!" Sure enough, it went at it again. I watched the bird in awe and respect. I wished i had my camera to capture that silhouette.

I was grateful to have had a few moments, for in one swift motion the bird flitted away. I was amazed by the speed indeed! Boy, when they say the creature can travel at 60 mph, they're not kidding!

On the drive home i saw Billie, my first pet, in the clouds, again. Monochromic, just like i remember her. In fact, if Billie was an image file, she'd be grayscale. : )

To this day i don't know what breed Billie was. I'd say Shih Tzu but the Portuguese lady who gave her to us insisted she was not Chinese. She may have been right since Billie never cared for Chinese food much.

Not even sure if she was purebred. Not that it mattered. She was the best. And... mutts rock!

And so i watched this gigantic Billie running across the easterly sky. Again, grateful for the moment. Before i finished passing the few blocks, she slowly disintegrated.

At first i was sad. But then i saw there was no other way. My turn was coming up.

It's chaotic order. Indeed.

No Caption Necessary... Almost 16

Descending Blavod

Flow

I love the duality of refrigerated food that packs heat.

Case in point: the Mezzetta California Hot Mix
They stop distributing this product to the stores for reasons i cannot comprehend but it is still available online.

I'm reminded of Elsie who calls tasting both butter and cheese in a cookie "schizophrenia".